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Original poster

Coparenting

33 replies

Marymaaartinez · 07/01/2023 14:11

As long as I’ve been divorced, I’ve shared 50/50 custody with my childrens dad. He’s always been active in their well being, taking him to dentist, doct’s appointments, on his time and likewise I also do on my time. He’s been to all parent teacher conferences. Overall, he’s a good father to my kids. Except, if something doesn’t go his way, he will use the kids. For example, there was a modification increasing his child support, so he chopped off my daughters luscious curls and pierced my sons ears(left and right).
My daughter has expressed to both of us that she doesn’t want to live with her dad nor does she want to visit on the weekends. Her dad is now remarried, as am I, and he has a son with his new wife. My son, on the other hand, is in love with his baby brother and looks forward to visiting his dad.
Since it was brought to our attention that our daughter doesn’t want to go there, at all. My ex and I agreed to a trial period of letting her stay with me full time. However, he also wanted our son to have a say. (He’s 8) although he wasn’t of concern at this point, I agreed to letting him choose since dad budged to letting our daughter stay with me.
Now, my son wants to stay with his dad. He told me he doesn’t want to come even on the weekends. Which breaks my heart, he’s always been a mammas boy. Am I selfish for wanting to keep custody the way it was with him 50/50 and only allowing our daughter to stay with me full time? I love them both equally. I am torn because I wish nothing more than keeping the siblings together always. I feel like my son is only in it for the playtime, which is legitimate. It’s just hurting me to think that he’s so happy there, so much so, that he’s ok being away from me.

OP posts:
Reugny · 07/01/2023 17:17

How old is your daughter?

PritiPatelsMaker · 07/01/2023 19:25

Is there a child arrangements order in place?

mamasnetmum · 07/01/2023 19:44

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 00:18

My daughter is 9. She wants to stay full time with me. My son is 8.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 00:19

It’s currently set at 50/50, but we wanted to give the kids a say. I feel like I’m going from bad to worse. It is a trial period…

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Stichintime · 08/01/2023 00:24

The problem is once you give your children a say, they may say something you don't like. As dad is involved do you think he feels the same way you feel regards your son as he does regards your daughter?

Reugny · 08/01/2023 01:40

@Stichintime is right.

Anyway both your children are too young to have a say.

They should be around 11.

You and your ex need to talk to each other.

You both need to agree that with each child you need to stick to your current arrangement until they have their 11th birthday, and you will each do your best using coercion and bribery to get the child to go to the other parent if the child won't give clear reasons why they don't want to go which both of you can sort out.

Otherwise your ex could go to Court and force through the arrangement you agreed simply because you refuse to let your son do what he wants while you let your daughter do so.

taxpayer1 · 08/01/2023 01:46

So it breaks your heart that your son wants to live with your ex full time but you are happy to allow your daughter to live with you 100% of the time. It breaks your ex's heart too. I don't understand your reasoning.

Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:29

Stichintime · 08/01/2023 00:24

The problem is once you give your children a say, they may say something you don't like. As dad is involved do you think he feels the same way you feel regards your son as he does regards your daughter?

I agree. I would say that my ex and I have the best intentions at heart as to letting them have a say. He had a rough upbringing, so I try to be understanding. Neither of us want any less time with the kids.

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Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:32

Reugny · 08/01/2023 01:40

@Stichintime is right.

Anyway both your children are too young to have a say.

They should be around 11.

You and your ex need to talk to each other.

You both need to agree that with each child you need to stick to your current arrangement until they have their 11th birthday, and you will each do your best using coercion and bribery to get the child to go to the other parent if the child won't give clear reasons why they don't want to go which both of you can sort out.

Otherwise your ex could go to Court and force through the arrangement you agreed simply because you refuse to let your son do what he wants while you let your daughter do so.

Thank you for your input. It’s helpful to take a step back and look at the big picture. My ex and I have the best intentions by allowing the kids to have a say, but they are too young. We are the parents. Luckily, we live in the same neighborhood, and I work at the school which our children attend.

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Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:36

Stichintime · 08/01/2023 00:24

The problem is once you give your children a say, they may say something you don't like. As dad is involved do you think he feels the same way you feel regards your son as he does regards your daughter?

Absolutely! Neither of us want any less time than the other. I believe it comes down to my daughter wants privacy, which is why she wants to stay with me. She has her own room with me, whereas she shares a room with her brother and step sister with her dad. My son is a social butterfly, and enjoys the interaction there. The good thing is that we will meet up and discuss and rearrange if it’s not working out.

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Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:40

taxpayer1 · 08/01/2023 01:46

So it breaks your heart that your son wants to live with your ex full time but you are happy to allow your daughter to live with you 100% of the time. It breaks your ex's heart too. I don't understand your reasoning.

It’s heartbreaking for the both of us to loose time with any of our children. I think we took it too far in allowing them to decide. They are children, and we are the parents. I just hate to force my daughter to go there, if she’s been expressing that she doesn’t want to.

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Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:41

Thank you all for your input!!

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Reugny · 08/01/2023 12:01

Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 05:36

Absolutely! Neither of us want any less time than the other. I believe it comes down to my daughter wants privacy, which is why she wants to stay with me. She has her own room with me, whereas she shares a room with her brother and step sister with her dad. My son is a social butterfly, and enjoys the interaction there. The good thing is that we will meet up and discuss and rearrange if it’s not working out.

Show quote history

You need to talk to her father about not having her brother sleeping in the same room as the girls as it isn't (or soon won't) be nice for the step-sister either.

Unfortunately due to housing issues in this country it isn't possible for every child to have their own bedroom but it is usually possible in most households for boys and girls to sleep in rooms segregated by sex once the eldest is over 8.

So it will be your daughter and her step-sister in one room, then your son and the baby brother in the other. They all will have to suck up the age differences.

Martialisthebestpup · 08/01/2023 12:07

What about an every other weekend set up?
So your daughter lives with you, goes to Dad’s every other weekend.
Your son lives with him, comes to you every other weekend.
The weekends should match, so from the kids’ point of view, they spend every weekend together - one with you, the next with Dad and step/half siblings.
At their ages and with no concerns about abuse I wouldn’t agree to no contact time with the other parent for either of them, whatever they are saying. They both need a relationship wIth you both and with each other.

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:09

For example, there was a modification increasing his child support, so he chopped off my daughters luscious curls and pierced my sons ears(left and right)

Are you sure the two was linked? He's a parent so has as much right as you to take his kid for a haircut.

He does sound difficult though.

CornishGem1975 · 08/01/2023 12:09

I just hate to force my daughter to go there, if she’s been expressing that she doesn’t want to.

Your son has now expressed that he doesn't want to come to you - but because that doesn't work in your favour you're not happy with that arrangement and happy to go against his wishes so you don't lose out. Pretty selfish.

napody · 08/01/2023 12:09

Reugny · 08/01/2023 12:01

You need to talk to her father about not having her brother sleeping in the same room as the girls as it isn't (or soon won't) be nice for the step-sister either.

Unfortunately due to housing issues in this country it isn't possible for every child to have their own bedroom but it is usually possible in most households for boys and girls to sleep in rooms segregated by sex once the eldest is over 8.

So it will be your daughter and her step-sister in one room, then your son and the baby brother in the other. They all will have to suck up the age differences.

Show quote history

This.
Also, is the step sister there full time? How old is she? Not really fair to have to share with a stepbrother full time...

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:10

Reugny · 08/01/2023 12:01

You need to talk to her father about not having her brother sleeping in the same room as the girls as it isn't (or soon won't) be nice for the step-sister either.

Unfortunately due to housing issues in this country it isn't possible for every child to have their own bedroom but it is usually possible in most households for boys and girls to sleep in rooms segregated by sex once the eldest is over 8.

So it will be your daughter and her step-sister in one room, then your son and the baby brother in the other. They all will have to suck up the age differences.

Show quote history

I agree with this. The girls need privacy from the boy

napody · 08/01/2023 12:12

Martialisthebestpup · 08/01/2023 12:07

What about an every other weekend set up?
So your daughter lives with you, goes to Dad’s every other weekend.
Your son lives with him, comes to you every other weekend.
The weekends should match, so from the kids’ point of view, they spend every weekend together - one with you, the next with Dad and step/half siblings.
At their ages and with no concerns about abuse I wouldn’t agree to no contact time with the other parent for either of them, whatever they are saying. They both need a relationship wIth you both and with each other.

This sounds a possibility worth exploring. I feel for you but I don't think a 9 year old should have so much say that she never visits her dad who sounds like he is a good parent. And vice versa for son and you! Do you think your son would have chosen 100% with dad (even if he likes it there) or are you concerned dad has persuaded him to make it 'even'?

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:12

I don't see why it can't be an every other weekend arrangement - so daughter lives with you most the time and son lives with dad most the time. It's just choosing what weekends so they see each other l.

2boysDad · 08/01/2023 12:24

"For example, there was a modification increasing his child support, so he chopped off my daughters luscious curls and pierced my sons ears(left and right)"

Why is he paying child support at all if you share care 50/50?

Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 17:38

2boysDad · 08/01/2023 12:24

"For example, there was a modification increasing his child support, so he chopped off my daughters luscious curls and pierced my sons ears(left and right)"

Why is he paying child support at all if you share care 50/50?

I know he has the right to take them for a haircut as much as I do. But I had asked him before not to cut our daughters haircut because culturally, long hair is precious. & it wasn’t a simple trim. Her hair was chopped off like a boys cut when she was 8.
Although we shared 50/50 custody he was ordered to pay child support, however, he was only paying $40/week for the last 5 years. It was recently modified and increased because it was outdated, per the court. We each get one dependent for taxes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 17:48

napody · 08/01/2023 12:09

This.
Also, is the step sister there full time? How old is she? Not really fair to have to share with a stepbrother full time...

Show quote history

l believe it comes down to this. With dad, my son, daughter, and their step sister (she’s on 50/50 custody with her parents; she is there on the same weeks as my 2) all share one room. They do have seperated beds. And the baby brother has his own room. It used to be the two girls shared a room and my son had his own room until the baby arrived. It doesn’t make sense to me, the baby could have his crib in parents room so that way the girls and boy could be separated. That’s not my business, I know.
My daughter is in 4th grade and needs privacy as she’s going through changes with her body and friends, and she doesn’t get that there.
I never ever want to keep her from having a relationship with her dad. I will talk to him and suggest she goes every other weekend with him and vise versa with my son. & that they’re together on the same weekends with him and I. I do have the benefit of seeing my son at school even if he’s with dad all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marymaaartinez · 08/01/2023 17:49

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 12:12

I don't see why it can't be an every other weekend arrangement - so daughter lives with you most the time and son lives with dad most the time. It's just choosing what weekends so they see each other l.

This would be the best case scenario. Thank you for your input!!

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