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Original poster

Any advice for moving children from countryside to city

31 replies

BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 06:46

Hello, i posted in the chat section some days ago but hoping I might get replies here.

I wondered if anyone had any tips for moving with children?I have rented for 8 years and LL is selling this year, I have not managed to save enough for a deposit. My Grandmother cannot move back into her Edinburgh flat due to illness so is having to access sheltered housing and pay rent. My Grandmother's preference is that we move into the flat, which is in a good area with good school catchment, and pay her rent.

My children will hate me. I am on my own with 2 sons, 8&12 and a dog, I WFH majority of the time full time. I have just been seconded to a more senior role. We currently live in a semi-detatched 3 bedroom in a rural location outside the city. The schools are very very close (1 in secondary and 1 in Primary).If eldest was to stay at his current school, he would have to get two buses and leave home at 7am. he has never been on a bus by himself and rarely with me, but I know he would prefer to stay at his school.

Youngest is expected to receive ASD diagnosis, I have worked very closely with his school, but he has been expelled and a parent raised a police report against him in 2022. He is doing much better just now though and is excited about school. I would prefer to move him and allow him to build relationships close by so they can meet outside school, but current school has allocated funding for art and play therapy which is school funded so wont follow him. it will take around 25 minutes there and back from the flat walking.I am frozen with fear about the move, the expense and time and upheaval for us.

I know we are very lucky to have a home, but we are used to country living and being able to open the door to let the dog out when I'm grabbing a drink! All the boys school clubs are here, I don't know how I'm going to fit it all in, I don't feel I can cut My hours I've my secondment only started last week. I feel the boys should stay in current schools.

I can't sleep!

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whichwayiwonder · 07/01/2023 07:28

Have you tried explaining the situation to the children? It sounds as though you're really lucky to have the option of moving to your grandmother's flat. Could you make the move, take the children to visit the schools, do the long journeys back to their old schools for a term while getting used to the new area and then once they are settled they might come round to the idea of the local, new schools? (And be sick of the early mornings and travel).

In time they would almost certainly be happy in the city, especially as teens, if they are at a local school with their friends nearby. Imagine if it was the other way round and you had to move them from the city to the countryside at this age. I think you just need to do it.

whichwayiwonder · 07/01/2023 07:36

Or, if you decide to make the move but keep them in their current school I think your older DC will get used to the bus in no time, meanwhile you will just have to walk with your younger one (and the dog!) 25 mins isn't that far. Its not that big a deal. I can see your concerns about moving from a house to a flat, but there's a lot to be said for the peace of mind that comes from having a secure landlord who won't put the rent up or evict you. Does the flat have thee bedrooms?

Eilan50 · 07/01/2023 08:04

It's a tricky age because they're still young and see all the attractions of the countryside, but as teenagers they'll get so much more from city living.
I did this move from country to large town as a 13 year old and hugely benefitted from being able to walk to friends in evenings/weekends rather than only being able to go places when parents could take me (only 4 buses a day!)

I'd definitely move the eldest school. He'll settle into new school quickly and will have local friends. He'll be disadvantaged through teenage years if he's 2 buses away from friends.

As PP said you can do the 25 mins to get youngest to school to keep his continuity at moment and then move him locally for secondary.

It wil all work out fine. Good luck Flowers

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Marmaladegin · 07/01/2023 08:05

I work in school with art and play therapists. Their work is great. It's not worth staying at a school for. A fresh start sounds great OP

ChickpeaPie · 07/01/2023 08:08

I may have misunderstood but you can’t be moving far if the primary school will be a 12.5 minute walk from the flat? That distance is nothing and not a long walk

strawberrysummer23 · 07/01/2023 08:45

I would say renting a flat with a dog could be tricky?

I don't own dogs but an ex boyfriend had one when I lived in a flat and it was a nightmare for him and the dog ( so he used to say ) he used to have lots accidents and I couldn't see how having a dog in a flat would work ( may be wrong if others do this ??) at his house he would just open the back door and would come and go as he pleased.

He used to say it was very stressful

( it isn't why we aren't together mind !) x

strawberrysummer23 · 07/01/2023 08:47

For me on paper it sounds very stressful
I know its a great offer but reality with the clubs etc not so Much the bus as he will get used to that but I'd be trying to make it work another way

Also wouldn't that be classed as sub renting ? Be careful you / gran aren't breaking any agreements

When you say pay her rent I don't know if you mean pay her or actually pay her rent x

strawberrysummer23 · 07/01/2023 08:48

Also I take it it's 3 bedrooms ? I wouldn't have then sharing if they haven't before x

Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 09:05

I can't reply on my phone as words are jumping around so Will reply at home ASAP.

Current schoamns am

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Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 10:36

Sorry, back at laptop. I think my first post was a bit muddled.

If we move into the city and boys stay at their current schools, it will take around 45 minute round trip to get there and back via car. If 12 yo stays at current high school and gets there by himself, it'll be two bus trips and about 5 minute walk to get there. If i enroll 8 yo at city catchment school it'll be around 25 minute walk.

Realistically, I can't squeeze in driving them to current schools as well as working. So, maybe eldest could bus and enroll youngest in new school and see what we can do about funding for play and art therapy?

The flat has two large bedrooms and a box room. I would happily take the box room, but I need space for my desk for work and it woulnd't fit my bed and desk in there, so youngest might have to go in there. the flat is a good size and very high ceilings and have quite a bit of green space around.

I feel so guilt ridden and although I have been single for around 6 years, I have never felt so alone, the burden of uprooting them when I already have so much guilt for not being a 'white picket fence' is overwhelming me.

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Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 10:39

oh and the dog...yes it will be much more stressful having her in a flat. I have googled a few dog walkers, I will have to get up even earlier to take her into the park opposite in the morning instead of opening the back door. It's not fair on her really, but she really is part of the family and I will take her out of the city as much as possible. I have always loved walking and love being able to walk out the front door with her and be in open fields is amazing, I will miss it so much.

I feel like an utter failure because if i'd saved and remarried, I might have much more control and choice.

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BungleandGeorge · 07/01/2023 10:44

You don’t have to move just because your grandparent wants you to. Can you afford a suitable house in your current area? Is there anything for rent? Do you want to live in the city? It doesn’t sound ideal but if you don’t have another option then unfortunately the boys will have to cope. I think it’s fairly unusual to get play and art therapy in school but perhaps he can do it out of school more easily in the city?

nopeasplease · 07/01/2023 10:47

Whereabouts in Edinburgh?we moved from a house with garden to a flat in Edinburgh and due to all the green space around it's actually far better here for our dog! Edinburgh has some amazing walking spots as well (the braids, Holyrood park / Arthur's seat) that you can walk to easily from the city centre and feel like you are in the middle of nowhere!

Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 10:51

I have searched for rented houses nearby and everything is double what we are paying now for similar size, even a flat is a an extra £300 or so.

The flat belongs to my Grandmother outright, the mortgage is paid off.

Its Southside of Edinburgh, James Gillespies catchment.

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DisforDarkChocolate · 07/01/2023 10:52

I think you have to approach this practically because you can't stay where you are.

So, lots of dogs live in flats with no issues at all. If you don't mind the box room as a bedroom set up a work place in the living room and use a lap desk on your bed when the children are home or spend a bit more time in the office. Children move schools all of the time, most cope very well. You need to be positive and think of solutions before the put them to you as problems.

BungleandGeorge · 07/01/2023 10:54

Tbh I think 45 min round trip twice a day is pretty do-able for 3 years until they finish current schools? If that would make the kids happier (there are downsides but certainly the 12 year old should be given a choice if possible). You wfh but if you were office based that would be a normal commute time?

Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 10:58

The problem is I won't be back in time to start work in time, and then to collect them may potentially take longer than 45 mins due to traffic. I would forgo my lunch break thats fine, but I need to be around for core hours as my role has a lot of meetings

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Howmanysleepsnow · 07/01/2023 10:58

Are you sure it’s 25 minutes walk to the primary school? I’m in a similar size city and can walk to 4 different primary schools in under 10 minutes, 25 minutes would get me to any one of 20!

Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 11:00

It would take that long for my 8 yo I think, maybe 20 mins. There is another school closer but where we are isn't a catchment for that one.

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Howmanysleepsnow · 07/01/2023 11:01

I’d definitely move your 12yo too. It’s easier to move before they pick GCSEs and he may get tired of buses by then. Plus he’ll probably love the freedom of being to go out to shops/ cafes/ cinema/ parks/ swimming/ bowling with friends after school. My eldest 2 have loved living in a city during secondary.

Original poster
BMHlatte · 07/01/2023 11:03

I agree completely that I need to be more positive and solutions based, it's the guilt that's stopping me.

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SusiePevensie · 07/01/2023 11:08

Tbh that is a perfect age to move out of the sticks and into a glorious city. Forgive me if this is an autism cliché, but do either of your kids have special intetests/passions that they could explore in Edinborough? E.g. (and I know this is really leaning into the cliché) if he loves space there's a planetarium. There'll be something for most things.

One way of looking at it could be this: if you don't move I'd bet a lot of money your kids will be sad that you didn't once they hit teenagedom.

SusiePevensie · 07/01/2023 11:17

Would something like this work for box room and desk?

Eilan50 · 07/01/2023 11:28

Children move schools all of the time, most cope very well. You need to be positive and think of solutions before the put them to you as problems.

This^
You are the parent and you need to reframe this and present it to your children in positive light. Just the same as when they first start school you discuss how great school will be and how much fun they'll have etc etc. We don't let our DC see any worries we may have.

Gillespies is a great school and plenty people would give their right arm to get into its catchment. You will be doing your DC a huge favour moving them into stable housing where they won't have to move again, in a lovely city full of facilities for kids and teenagers, and one of the best schools in Edinburgh.

Time to frame the move with all these positives and not let DC see this move as a "failure"