Is it normal to grieve life before my baby?

[Cpajlc]

My son is 8 weeks old now and I’m starting to really struggle emotionally. During pregnancy it was quite hard because I had a lot of health issues and couldn’t stand without fainting. During birth I was in labor for 20 hours and it ended with a episiotomy and ventouse delivery. In which my stitches then ripped a day later, the healing is taking a very long time and it’s quite upsetting because in no way did I prepare myself for that.

but despite that I am sooo in love with my son and couldn’t imagine my life without him. However I am feeling so down about having given up my entire life for him. I am 21, I was at uni, I worked full time too, I went out a lot. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now so it was definitely something we both wanted but it definitely was a shock. But I’ve given up all of these things to raise our son. I even moved in with my boyfriends mum. I appreciate it so much considering we are here rent free. But I feel so alone despite having people around me. I miss spending my days doing uni work and going to work and going out occasionally.

my boyfriend works full time so is at work 5 days a week 9:30-5:30 so I’m alone with our son quite a lot. I’m up from 7am to normally 2am because I’ve been struggling sleeping because I’ve been overthinking everything. Is this normal?

I feel like people don’t realise that I have really given up my whole life and that no one really gives me credit and that everyone has an opinion despite not ever being in my situation.

will this feeling pass? Sorry if this was too long, I thought a bit of backstory might help explain things? Idk

Hello @Cpajlc,

You are allowed to feel like this and although you love your son your life is the ones who's has changed considerably and your allowed to feel sad and even resentful about this.

Speaking out is good and I'm glad you have done it.

Have you spoken to the health visitor about mother and baby groups in your area? Could you look into an online course through the open University?

Are you able to see friends when your OH is home from work?

You are still you and not just a mum and it's important you get some of that back x

Id say its normal. Mine are 9 and 3 and i still miss the freedom. Even just going to ASDA with DP for ben and jerrys 11pm at night just because we can. Itll pass, its easier as they get older x

Having a baby is an overwhelming change of life and it’s absolutely normal
to feel as you do. I don’t think it’s talked about enough so comes as a huge shock, it did for me. It’s a huge change of lifestyle. I remember my husband going to work and me feeling like my life was turned upside down, I felt lonely and out of my depth, and his life hadn’t changed much at all in comparison. You’ll adjust in time. Get your partner to have the baby for an hour or two regularly so you have some time something to do something you used to enjoy. 💐

I thought it would help speaking out even if it was just on here. Sometimes strangers have much better advice lol. The health visitor told me about some classes today but they are 21 and under, I feel a little awkward going as I get treated like a child there. I went to prenatal classes with a normal group before hand and felt so left out because everyone was in their 30s and all spoke and met outside of the group. So the older ones are out of the question too. I have a baby massage class booked soon so hopefully that will help.

I have considered doing the open university as my best friend is in his second year and really enjoys it. My only issue is finding time to do the assignments. I think I could do it but I don’t want to put that immense amount of pressure on myself because it is quite an expensive thing to do.

I do see my friends but at the moment it’s so difficult because the amount of sickness around and by the time that’s gone they are all back at uni. I see my best friend quite often but my son is always there too. I just feel bad going out in the evenings because my boyfriend has been at work all day and deserves a break but It’s so hard dealing with it all the time. I feel like people don’t understand until their a mum.

100%, I really want to find myself again but I feel like it’s going to take a long time :(. Thank you so much for responding

I can imagine it gets a little easier. With him being 8 weeks old there’s not much he does apart from eats and sleeps but he hardly naps during the day which makes it hard for me to get anything done x@Guessitswednesday

Thank you so much for this. I feel a lot better knowing people go through this too. I just feel so guilty because this is meant to be an amazing experience but it’s being ruined by my negative thoughts 🥲 @DoubleYolker

I was in your position, but I’d graduated just before having my son at 21. I felt the same way as you, it’s completely normal. It will pass too. I’m 25 now and these feelings have gone completely, they started subsiding when I was around 23. I know it seems like a long time, but gradually over time I accepted my choices and my life, and I came to realise that I was in a much more comfortable and happy position than my friends of the same age. Now I’m 25, I’m very grateful that I had my son so young, I missed out on some things, but I’m happier than my peers at 25.

Also, I decided that I will wait before having another until I found a career that fulfils me and a home that I’m happy with. I haven’t quite got there yet, I’m happy I’ve waited as I think the pressure of another child too soon would have dragged me back a few steps.

Chin up, keep loving your baby boy, things will feel better. It can be hard, but try to time for yourself and if you still feel like a night out once in a while then go for it- when you get home to your baby the next day, you’ll feel refreshed and grateful that you get to be home with your little one.

Can I add, I did feel a bit odd at first at the baby groups because I was at least 8 years younger than the rest. However, I met some lovely mums who were all aged 29-40 and we started meeting for coffees, etc. and it made me feel much better. They didn’t judge me for my age and sometimes having ‘baby related’ conversation was what I needed, we all had the babies in common and so it was like being in the same life phase. I did baby massage and baby rhyme and sign in the local library. My baby loved it too and it’s great for them.

@Ruffpuff its so nice hearing that other people have been in my position. I definitely want to do the same, I want to figure out a career I really want before having other children. I think I owe my son my full love before bringing more.

thank you so much. I hope you get there soon.

@Ruffpuff maybe I’ll give it another shot then. I do have a cousin and a friend who had babies within a few weeks of me but it’s so hard to meet up at the moment. I’m glad to hear that the classes were good! I’ve been recommended the rhyme classes too so I’ll definitely look into that!

You have had an enormous change in your life and your body has worked so hard for so long. You can still do these things .
I had young parents, and one parent went to uni after I did.

Congratulations on your baby, and very best wishes for your futures.
you're amazing.

It’s normal to feel this way. It is a real shock. Especially I think with your first, and the first in your friend group.

I remember about a week in looking in the mirror when I was rushing to the loo and thinking I will never get a single moment to myself again. It was quite shellshocking.

Then at 2 weeks I nearly lost my son. Holding him in my arms whilst he was fighting for his life and questioning whether he was even going to make it; I realised that my old life was already gone the moment I got pregnant with him and I just hadn’t realised. That even if I lost him in that moment my life would never be the same again. It could never return to pre babe. He had already changed everything.

Now coming up to a year a lot of my life is similar to pre babe (work, time to myself, activities, going out etc.). But it’s not the same, because it’s not so much my life that’s changed it’s me that’s changed. He’s become a part of me in a way - permanently occupying some part of my mental load. And I am at peace with that and wouldn’t change it for the world.

@Cpajlc 8 week old baby girl here and felt the exact same as you! I'm 35 and my baby was planned and it was still the biggest shock to the system that nothing can prepare you for. I have felt like I'm not cut out for this, wondered did we make a mistake, massively missed my independence and freedom - all normal things that no one tells you about! Something has clicked for me in the last few days and I am feeling much more myself and like I'm getting into the swing of things. What helps me is trying to shower, eat well, drink some water and get out in the fresh air. Really makes a massive difference, especially on the days when you really don't feel like doing any of those things! Your baby is still so tiny, things will settle down x

@LemonSwan that sounds so frightening. I hope he is okay now and I hope you are okay too, I can imagine that is the worst feeling in the world.

I feel exactly the same. I know I’ll never be the same person again and I love being a mother but i feel so lost

@Laneymoo congratulations! I’m so thankful to hear that. I don’t think it helps that I haven’t been eating properly. I never have had the best eating habits but I really think that needs to change. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. It’s nice to hear that even with your daughter being planned that you feel the same way. In no way would I imagined my life to be like this last year but I wouldn’t change it. I am so in love with my son, I hope these feelings fade so I can focus on being the best mum for him. Hope you are doing okay! X

There are some free non degree classes that you could consider until little one is older

www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses/full-catalogue

There is no set time to complete them either it's at your own pace so you could do as much or as little as your able too.

Hope baby massage goes well :)

Totally normal to feel like this please dont worry! I was 24 when i had my son and I remember in the middle of the night when he was 4-6 weeks old i was exhausted and getting no sleep and all my friends were out partying and i wondered what I had done and why I had ruined my life! I didnt really feel that way, it was the tiredness and shock of the change.

The best thing for me was to eat healthier and focus on getting out the house every day for a walk with the pram - could be short or long but i had to go out. Even if the weather was bad we wrapped up and went out and i can honestly say it was a game changer- i would visit people, talk to others in shops or cafes, or sometimes wander about half asleep, but the fresh air did us wonders and helped us both sleep.

Open uni sounds good but give yourself a few months before you decide - thats alot of pressure on a new mum, just focus on you and the baby and being healthy and happy for a few months then you can decide.
My local gym had a creche where they would watch the baby for an hour while I exercised / i found this really useful too? Gave me a big of a break and me time for a shower afterwards!

@Cpajlc definitely try eat well if you can, I find it makes a massive difference to any anxiety I might feel that day. You are being the best Mum to him already! These feelings will fade but don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, it's such a huge change x

Hey! Baby massage sounds fun! I should try something like this with my LO. I just want to say you are not alone, been there! Baby was planned but my goodness the shock of it really hit to the point where I thought what am I doing and that I miss my old life. I still miss sleep so much that I can't wait for my LO to sleep through longer and be that little bit more independent. But ofcourse love him to bits so much, and I found as time went by (9mo atm) it got easier. This is a nice stage as his routine is much better.

Try to allocate yourself some time to eat, have breakfast, lunch etc and at night maybe try white sound. I am rubbish with sleep and won't sleep until 2 am sometimes due to overthinking, but I find white noise quite calming as I have it on for LO. Also, my partner doesnt get in until 6 sometimes and is always tired, so I tend to go out friday evening more or weekends to make to easier for him.

I think it's normal to feel this way - I had my babies in my forties, and I felt totally shellshocked by the change. Plus I was always a decade older than everyone else at baby groups! At 8 weeks you're right in the thick of it, the newness and excitement and visitors are trickling away and it begins to sink in that's this is life now. And it's so hard on very little sleep. What I would say is lean into this year - it's a wonderful, hard, strange, magical time, and there's nothing else in life like it. This tiny beautiful baby has to be demanding as you are what is keeping him alive - he can't survive without you. Let yourself embrace being a mum. Pre-baby you is still there! As time goes on, she'll resurface. Don't put pressure on yourself to do anything more than get out of the house each day, even just for a walk round the block. Baby groups are good - churches often run free groups, and if you can afford it, Baby Sensory is brilliant. Don't worry about being younger- you're there because you're all mums of whatever age, and that's what you all have in common. The OU can wait - I think you have five years to use the credits you've acquired? In a few months your baby will start sleeping more through the night, and you'll feel 100% better with more sleep. So hang in there OP - before you know it, your baby will be one and you'll be so proud that you've done the hardest bit. What you're saying sounds completely normal.

This is very very normal. I still grieve my life before kids and my youngest is in their late 20's 🤣🤣

You can absolutely love them to bits and wish you had your old life back sometimes too.

You have given up everything but it can be temporary.

Make plans for how and when you’re going to:

Finish uni
Resume work
Get an independent home for the 3 of you

These are important - don’t lose sight of them.

Totally normal... on my second now and so much I miss- those long evenings with all that free time to myself! Being able to kick back and listen to music or read on long journeys. Sleeping late on the weekends!

After a while it becomes a new normal. I still miss it though. But it won't be forever.

I totally felt like this in my late 20s. You’re really not alone. A lot of people feel the same but don’t admit it. Keep persevering with baby classes and try and carve in something fot yourself too. Keep talking and asking for support if you need it. Motherhood is a huge shock to the system. It really does get easier and so much more fun when their little personalities emerge 💗xxx

We are all good now thankfully - thank you 😊

You will settle in I promise but I do think you need to make an effort to carve time. I now do more activities and classes than I ever did pre babe. I also go out more probably. Not to the clubs obviously. But to lunch, friends, dinners, days out etc.

You will make it work but it does take a bit of researching to find stuff you want to do and some effort on the friend front and before you know it your too busy!