Page 2 | Is it normal to grieve life before my baby?

Cpajlc · 2023-01-05T23:43:27+00:00

My son is 8 weeks old now and I’m starting to really struggle emotionally. During pregnancy it was quite hard because I had a lot of health issues and couldn’t stand without fainting. During birth I was in labor for 20 hours and it ended with a episiotomy and ventouse delivery. In which my stitches then ripped a day later, the healing is taking a very long time and it’s quite upsetting because in no way did I prepare myself for that. but despite that I am sooo in love with my son and couldn’t imagine my life without him. However I am feeling so down about having given up my entire life for him. I am 21, I was at uni, I worked full time too, I went out a lot. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now so it was definitely something we both wanted but it definitely was a shock. But I’ve given up all of these things to raise our son. I even moved in with my boyfriends mum. I appreciate it so much considering we are here rent free. But I feel so alone despite having people around me. I miss spending my days doing uni work and going to work and going out occasionally. my boyfriend works full time so is at work 5 days a week 9:30-5:30 so I’m alone with our son quite a lot. I’m up from 7am to normally 2am because I’ve been struggling sleeping because I’ve been overthinking everything. Is this normal? I feel like people don’t realise that I have really given up my whole life and that no one really gives me credit and that everyone has an opinion despite not ever being in my situation. will this feeling pass? Sorry if this was too long, I thought a bit of backstory might help explain things? Idk

Laneymoo · 06/01/2023 01:27

Also take any and all offers of help! My sister is obsessed with my LO and has had her overnight twice now. I didn't ask, she practically begged to take her. I felt terrible guilt and cried both times but I know I would offer the same support if the situation was reversed.

Grant45 · 06/01/2023 01:30

Hello!

im sorry you feel like this but it’s totally normal. This is how I felt at about 6-8 weeks. It does get so much better! My baby is now 6 months but I’m not sure when it started to improve.

I think watching baby develop helps. When they laugh and sit and play you get so much out of it but also a bit more independence. Right now your baby is so dependent on you. It’s the most intense relationship there is. I felt that my baby was so fragile and vulnerable but they grow muscle strength and a personality and you start to see them as more robust and this slowly brings independence.

still I have to take her to the toilet with me and although I’m never alone I do feel lonely but baby is still very young.

could you do something that maybe will make you appreciate the small things? This time goes so quickly. What about a journal of just something small you’ve noticed, something you love, something baby has taught you. Or There’s an app where you upload one second of footage from baby’s life a day (you can back date it) or just take photos and videos and look back on how far you’ve come!

do you have any mum friends? Having friends whose babies are the same age is very helpful.

I hope this feeling passes quickly for you

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2023 01:43

Normal, but unfair. I feel for you and all women who did not consider what becoming a mother would mean giving up. I genuinely do not mean that on a patronising way. I'm just sick to the of hearing stories about women who have had children and you just know they basically just went along with it because they thought it was supposed to do or because its 'the norm'.

No one told them the truth of what it would do to their bodies, their mental health and their life and liberty. As women I wish we would stop encouring other women to do it. Kids are an unnecessary tie in life that if we were honest with ourselves - we do not need. And, a major risk to our wellbeing.

That isn't to say they can't be a joy and a gift. But they are probably not one that the majority of people who have them, should have chosen.

I would encourage you to enjoy the good times. But next time you're thinking about having more, remember how much you have to sacrifice. And perhaps consider a diferent choice.

And, to not gloss over the bad parts with other women. Instead, be honest and ask them if instead, they could not find meaning in their current lives. Instead of risking it all for a, currently, non existent being.

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2023 01:46

I mean unfair for you btw.

Like I wish someone else had tried to protect you from this. I get that you love the wee fella. But I'm guessing that if you went back it's not the life you would have chosen for yourself, knowing then what you know now.

Original poster

Cpajlc · 06/01/2023 01:57

PenguinLove1 · 06/01/2023 00:59

Totally normal to feel like this please dont worry! I was 24 when i had my son and I remember in the middle of the night when he was 4-6 weeks old i was exhausted and getting no sleep and all my friends were out partying and i wondered what I had done and why I had ruined my life! I didnt really feel that way, it was the tiredness and shock of the change.

The best thing for me was to eat healthier and focus on getting out the house every day for a walk with the pram - could be short or long but i had to go out. Even if the weather was bad we wrapped up and went out and i can honestly say it was a game changer- i would visit people, talk to others in shops or cafes, or sometimes wander about half asleep, but the fresh air did us wonders and helped us both sleep.

Open uni sounds good but give yourself a few months before you decide - thats alot of pressure on a new mum, just focus on you and the baby and being healthy and happy for a few months then you can decide.
My local gym had a creche where they would watch the baby for an hour while I exercised / i found this really useful too? Gave me a big of a break and me time for a shower afterwards!

I’ll definitely try some of these! I think being stuck in with no proper routine is probably causing me to overthink. I’m glad these feelings are normal. Thank you xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Cpajlc · 06/01/2023 01:59

User11122 · 06/01/2023 01:00

Hey! Baby massage sounds fun! I should try something like this with my LO. I just want to say you are not alone, been there! Baby was planned but my goodness the shock of it really hit to the point where I thought what am I doing and that I miss my old life. I still miss sleep so much that I can't wait for my LO to sleep through longer and be that little bit more independent. But ofcourse love him to bits so much, and I found as time went by (9mo atm) it got easier. This is a nice stage as his routine is much better.

Try to allocate yourself some time to eat, have breakfast, lunch etc and at night maybe try white sound. I am rubbish with sleep and won't sleep until 2 am sometimes due to overthinking, but I find white noise quite calming as I have it on for LO. Also, my partner doesnt get in until 6 sometimes and is always tired, so I tend to go out friday evening more or weekends to make to easier for him.

It’s hard because my son sleeps amazingly, he is going 8/9 hours through the night now but I am still up overthinking which probably isn’t helping during the day. I’ll definitely speak to my partner tomorrow about planning a day for me to go out with some friends. I think a bit of normality might help x

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Original poster

Cpajlc · 06/01/2023 02:01

Speedweed · 06/01/2023 01:02

I think it's normal to feel this way - I had my babies in my forties, and I felt totally shellshocked by the change. Plus I was always a decade older than everyone else at baby groups! At 8 weeks you're right in the thick of it, the newness and excitement and visitors are trickling away and it begins to sink in that's this is life now. And it's so hard on very little sleep. What I would say is lean into this year - it's a wonderful, hard, strange, magical time, and there's nothing else in life like it. This tiny beautiful baby has to be demanding as you are what is keeping him alive - he can't survive without you. Let yourself embrace being a mum. Pre-baby you is still there! As time goes on, she'll resurface. Don't put pressure on yourself to do anything more than get out of the house each day, even just for a walk round the block. Baby groups are good - churches often run free groups, and if you can afford it, Baby Sensory is brilliant. Don't worry about being younger- you're there because you're all mums of whatever age, and that's what you all have in common. The OU can wait - I think you have five years to use the credits you've acquired? In a few months your baby will start sleeping more through the night, and you'll feel 100% better with more sleep. So hang in there OP - before you know it, your baby will be one and you'll be so proud that you've done the hardest bit. What you're saying sounds completely normal.

Thank you so much for this. Your comment about the newness fading away and it becoming reality is so true and has really helped me think more into it. It makes a lot of sense to why im feeling like this. I’ll definitely try getting out more, it seems to have helped a lot of people!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cpajlc · 06/01/2023 02:14

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2023 01:43

Normal, but unfair. I feel for you and all women who did not consider what becoming a mother would mean giving up. I genuinely do not mean that on a patronising way. I'm just sick to the of hearing stories about women who have had children and you just know they basically just went along with it because they thought it was supposed to do or because its 'the norm'.

No one told them the truth of what it would do to their bodies, their mental health and their life and liberty. As women I wish we would stop encouring other women to do it. Kids are an unnecessary tie in life that if we were honest with ourselves - we do not need. And, a major risk to our wellbeing.

That isn't to say they can't be a joy and a gift. But they are probably not one that the majority of people who have them, should have chosen.

I would encourage you to enjoy the good times. But next time you're thinking about having more, remember how much you have to sacrifice. And perhaps consider a diferent choice.

And, to not gloss over the bad parts with other women. Instead, be honest and ask them if instead, they could not find meaning in their current lives. Instead of risking it all for a, currently, non existent being.

Honestly I appreciate this comment but I don’t think this applies to me in this case. I didn’t go along with it because it is the “norm” or what I was supposed to do. A lot of these commenters planned their pregnancies and still feel like this so I don’t think it’s the case at all. Obviously I didn’t plan this but I always knew I wanted to be a mother at a young age due to my parents being older and my father passing away young. I did it because I knew this baby would benefit our lives and he really has brung so much joy to mine and my partners lives.

I think the issue is that a lot of peoples experiences are different. Everyone is in different situations whether it’s how they gave birth, if they suffered mentally afterwards or even how they feed their child. Because of this it’s so hard to really get a straight forward answer. If anything having my son was a lot easier than I could have imagined. I spent nights worrying about the labor and whether I’d be able to cope as a mother and It was a lot better than expected. Obviously if anyone in the future asks me about my pregnancy/ having a child I will be honest and tell them my experience but I wouldn’t not encourage them. I would just give them my story.

In no way is this post about giving up my life all together. I have given it up in the meanwhile but that doesn’t mean I won’t resume. Just like a few people in this forum, they went back to uni, they found their careers. It doesn’t necessarily mean my life is over. It just means my son is there with me now.

Obviously when I was younger I would have never imagined being a mother at 21. But I don’t think I imagined anything else that has happened in my life. I don’t think that is a negative though. From what everyone has been saying this should be a temporary thing and I will take their advice on getting out and finding ways to get into a routine. I do not regret having my son because I know he is such a blessing to our lives and brings me such joy. I think I can grieve while also enjoying my son. It doesn’t take away my love for him. It’s just a slightly different route.

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frenchie4002 · 06/01/2023 02:28

Yes 100%! Tbh I felt very regretful up until she was 8 weeks old. I’m 25 and after an accidental miscarriage I became obsessed with having a baby. Then she arrived and I was a bit like wtf have I done lol. But honestly it does get easier. They will smile/laugh etc soon, sleep better, engage with you more and it will all start to feel worth it. Yes, your old life has gone but that doesn’t mean you still can’t do things for you! It sounds as though you have a good support network so when you’re ready nights out/meet ups with friends/date nights etc will all be back on the cards. Not in the volume you used to have them maybe but that will make them more special.
i did the OU and I worked full time whilst studying straight from a levels so I’d say you will be fine finishing your degree that way as long as you have a routine and get your partner to watch baby in the evenings while you study. But you have loads of time to decide and enrol for September so I’d put that on the back burner for another few months and get out to classes, get some fresh air, take vitamins, eat properly and maybe get some good box sets lined up to watch! Take care of yourself x

Original poster

Cpajlc · 06/01/2023 02:34

frenchie4002 · 06/01/2023 02:28

Yes 100%! Tbh I felt very regretful up until she was 8 weeks old. I’m 25 and after an accidental miscarriage I became obsessed with having a baby. Then she arrived and I was a bit like wtf have I done lol. But honestly it does get easier. They will smile/laugh etc soon, sleep better, engage with you more and it will all start to feel worth it. Yes, your old life has gone but that doesn’t mean you still can’t do things for you! It sounds as though you have a good support network so when you’re ready nights out/meet ups with friends/date nights etc will all be back on the cards. Not in the volume you used to have them maybe but that will make them more special.
i did the OU and I worked full time whilst studying straight from a levels so I’d say you will be fine finishing your degree that way as long as you have a routine and get your partner to watch baby in the evenings while you study. But you have loads of time to decide and enrol for September so I’d put that on the back burner for another few months and get out to classes, get some fresh air, take vitamins, eat properly and maybe get some good box sets lined up to watch! Take care of yourself x

This is some great advice thank you! He has started smiling the last couple weeks and it really makes my day. I can already tell the little milestones will be so positive for me.
Eventually I definitely wanna start going out with friends a bit more and doing a lot more stuff. I think because my days are so empty I feel odd.

I will definitely look into doing open university! Even if I do it part time, eventually I’ll get to where I want to be even if it wasn’t the route I imagined.

thank you! X

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wishuponastar1988 · 06/01/2023 02:41

Didn't want to read and run... yes i think it's common to feel the way you do. I feel the same way and am abit resentful of my partner whose life doesn't seem to have changed much. I have found getting out with my baby helps, even on the days I don't feel like it! I go to a few baby groups a week, mainly for my own benefit and have been able to meet some local mums who I will talk to or meet up with for lunch etc. I was surprised by how much there was local to me (and free or £1 donation etc). The local children's centre is a good place to start - we do messy play, baby sensory etc and then we do story time at the library too.

I would speak to your health visitor about how you are feeling aswell and see what other support they can recommend. They were great when I was feeling low and made referrals to the right places for me.

Remember that this is bloody hard, you are not just mummy, you are your own person and deserve a break and to spend time doing things you enjoy! Can your partner have baby whilst you go out to see friends? Try to schedule in a block of time each week where it's time for you! x