Sleep training experience

[Helena1993]

And I'm saying in advance. I don't want someone's opinion who hasn't sleep trained their child.

Does your baby/toddler/child have any behavioral or attachment issues since you've sleep trained?

Sleep trained both of mine at just over a year old. They both started waking up at around 1am and not wanting or remembering how to go back to sleep. I tried cosleeping, gradual retreat etc. Nothing worked! So as a last resort I did sleep training. It took one night with my daughter and 3 nights with my son. They were both much, much happier after sleep training. Their behaviour improved. They just seemed more relaxed and content (as anyone does after a refreshing night's sleep).
I genuinely believe 100% that it had no lasting impact on them emotionally - except for the very positive impact that they were no longer sleep deprived. They've always been very happy children. Even in the midst of sleep training they were absolutely fine in the days, very happy and normal. I've always had a close bond to both children and that remains. They never felt abandoned - they always understood that I'd come to them in the night if they were scared, ill, had a nightmare etc. It's just that if they woke up at 1am they knew it was still bedtime and time to sleep.
They're now 12 and nearly 10. Very happy children who are thriving and emotionally secure.

My eldest is 22, we did sleep training when he was 9/ 10 months.
I am extremely biased but he's happy, extremely clever, fit, strong etc. Emotionally very well adjusted. So if sleep trying did any damage I haven't seen it.

Hi, we just started sleep training using controlled crying (we go in and check and then wait a set time before going back in) and I’ve been worrying about the same thing. Our little boy used to race to the bottom of the stairs (he’s 18 months) for bath and bed and now he seems tense in the bath and cries all throughout. It took two nights but he slept through/put himself back with no intervention from us, but I’ve been worrying that his behaviour has changed and he seems anxious. We give him lots of cuddles, playtime, reading books, especially before bedtime routine starts. We all seem to be doing better for sleeping better (it would take one of us going on, cuddling to sleep and then trying a million times to put him back down in cot without waking him and he’s getting too big for me to manage that).

Also, we’ve found that after a week of sleep training he is waking any time from 4am to 5am and we can’t get him back to sleep using the same method and I’m worried we’re not doing something right.

Thanks for your honest experiences

No adverse effects at all, DS is 21, sleep training worked very well - took two nights and he learned to self settle and I never had a broken night. He's happy, confident and independent.

No. We did is at six months. He’s now 18 mo. Still in bed chatting to himself at the mo.

None. Baby was a great sleeper until 8 month regression. He suddenly wouldnt sleep in his cot so I had to co sleep which I was really scared about so I got a sleep consultant who gave me a routine and helped with sleep training. I didn't realise that day sleep affects night sleeps, so baby needs enough sleep during the day because if they're over or under tired they won't sleep well at night. Started sleep training using a gradual withdrawal method where you stay in the room then slowly start moving away, that seemed to just make my baby more hyper so then tried a lesser version of Ferber (Spaced soothing). Baby went straight to sleep and one wake up within a couple of days, then I think started sleeping for 12 hours in a few weeks (7-7). He is now almost 18 months and absolutely thriving. Hitting his milestones earlier than his peers and a very happy toddler now.
I was very reluctant to sleep train, because I thought it wasnt 'natural' and I was worried it would affect him negatively, but I actually think it was the best thing for him as he started sleeping about 2-3 hours more a day, it actually made me feel quite bad that he hadn't been getting as much sleep as he should've been as it is so important for development.
Anyway, no looking back for me and I'm now a huge advocate.
The key is consistency.
Good luck!

We did it with both of our children. I had witnessed my brother and SIL with my niece nurse/hold her until she fell asleep and then as soon as she was put in her cot she would wake and it would start again and they would spend hours stressing at bedtime. My friend was a qualified nanny and I remembered her telling me that babies learn to sleep (not sure if that was her exact phrasing) at 9 months so we did sleep training/controlled crying. I found it really tough, I would be outside their room with a timer, peering through the gap by the hinges on the door. That said, I knew they were safe and they didn’t become really distressed at any point. I don’t remember it taking very long, I felt at the time it was hard but they were both brilliant sleepers afterwards. No behavioural or attachment issues, they’re 23 & 21 now, independent and extremely loving, will always give me a hug and tell each other that we love you when we end a call or they’re going out. We enjoy each other’s company and they have great friends.

I had a lot of attachment issues after being sleep trained apparently

Sleep trained at 6 months. He's now 17 months and he's the happiest boy!! He is also the biggest Mummy's boy you've ever met - I could be crouching down to do something and he just comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. He has to hold Mummy's hand when we go outside. He loves running up to Mummy for a surprise hug. He does a lot of playing independently, but he loves his Mummy ❤️

Honestly, being able to put him in bed and leave without sitting there half an hour is the best thing ever. He has only benefitted from sleeping better and not having a fit every time I leave him in his bed

Interesting. Are you sure it was the sleep training or other stuff going on during daytime?

Should have quoted. Message above it for you

Long time ago now, DD is nearly 10 and I sleep trained early, around 6 months. Much happier, excellent sleeper and sleep training involved far less crying and stress than what I read on here about babies who can’t self-settle.

Yes did it with three babies and no issue, only a rested happy family.
Read Emily Oster on it, she's reviewed all scientific literature and says it is safe.

I can second @MrNook's experience of having been sleep trained myself and being adversely impacted. Not claiming this as gospel but from my 15+ years of studying/working in areas related to psychology, attachment issues very rarely present themselves either A) immediately, or B) in the textbook way you would expect, particularly the younger the person.

Your child, your prerogative by all means, but the complexity of the topic is grossly underestimated in the 'sleep training' sphere and thus the anecdotal evidence you'll receive on any parenting forum isn't likely to accurately reflect any impact that has been had.

If it's something you're considering but want to learn more about first, I'd suggest consulting a "sleep trainer" who has experience/background in psychology/neuroscience/anthropology, rather than one that's taken an online course during lockdown to start up a side business. You deserve to be able to make a decision being fully informed.

Sleep trained at around 10 months as a very large resort after having 7-8 wake ups per night, recently had to implement it again at 18 months due to refusing to go to bed and lots of wake ups in the night, not napping. I was more worried about her development from the lack of sleep! It took 2 nights and I can honestly say she enjoys going to bed now! She will climb up the stairs and shows absolutely no adverse effects (as far as I can see) from 'controlled crying'. It's not for everyone, but if you've exhausted other options then it is worth a shot IMO

What matters is how you look after your DC day in day out. One sleep intervention for the sake of the whole family is beneficial and nor harmful. I am a psychotherapist and didn't take a cheap course during lockdown.
No parenting is perfect and while sleep training can be upsetting for the child on the moment, they recover. This is life.

We did it with all three of our children. Our eldest woke every hour for 6 months and I was broken. I though we might not need to with our second but his sleep went off the rails at 4 months and with his brother we felt it was a good thing to do. I would not have coped without it, with my eldest in particular I felt it really helped her as well. We had someone help us and it was the best money we ever spent. Sleep is vital, maybe I need it more than the average person, but there is no way I could be a good mum without it and we definitely wouldn’t have a much wanted third child without it. Often these threads suggest you are a truly evil person for having done it though. All three responded very well and we didn’t have hours and hours of crying etc. In case relevant to your decision they were also ebf.

I’m no expert, just a parent but I wonder how any issues regarding attachment or behaviour can be solely blamed on sleep training or controlled crying. Surely how parents interact with their children, whether there are siblings or not and the relationship between them, how discipline is handled, whether they’re read stories, did the child go to nursery and what was their key worker like, your child’s relationship with food and how it’s dealt with, at school-was it a positive experience or was it awful? I accept that someone may shoot me down with a comprehensive study into childrens attachment issues linked to sleep training but we’re all mostly just trying our best to raise confident, well adjusted children and chose sleep training because we want a stress free bedtime for our children.

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How do you sleep train when ebf?

Sleep trained DD at 10 months out of desperation - nothing else had worked, she would try to stay awake to interact/play while anyone else was around, no matter what time of the night she awoke! My exhaustion was getting dangerous … crossing the road in front of a bus I hadn’t seen was a terrifying low point. And despite my having been very very anti sleep training, one night when it was just the two of us, I was so, so desperate that put earplugs in and just passed out. Left her in the other room on her own in her cot. Checked the baby camera recordings/alerts in the morning - whilst giving her a big guilty cuddle - and she had cried for a few minutes, then she had just gone to sleep! When she woke in the night, she did the same - a tiny grizzle, and then straight back to sleep.

I couldn’t bloomin’ believe it - months of trying to persuade/reassure/help her to sleep, and once I gave up trying to persuade or reassure or help, she finally slept 😂

I had previously thought sleep training - especially just leaving them alone to cry - was completely cruel, and couldn’t see how it could ever be a positive thing. Before my DD, I didn’t realise that some babies simply need to be left to it, to learn for themselves, and to have nobody around for them to use as an excuse to stay awake. The whole “put them down awake but drowsy” simply wasn't a possibility for DD. Since she was about 8 weeks old, if she was awake, she was alert and she was looking for reasons to stay alert! She was seeking stimulation and entertainment all the time, and it really truly didn’t matter how tired she was or how much fun she’d had during the day, she always wanted more fun and entertainment. Not cool at 1am. (Or 3am, or 4am, etc etc etc!) I’ve since met a few other mums who have had babies like she was, and we’ve had a wry laugh at how well-meaning but totally clueless we were.

DD is now two, and we’re very well bonded. She’s sweet and affectionate both to family members and friends, and she happily trots off through the door at her lovely childminder’s house knowing I’ll come back at the end of the day for her. Bedtimes are dreamy, we have a lovely snuggly relaxing routine, and when she’s ready for her cot, she asks to be put in it. She’s a little champion at getting herself off to sleep now.

Sleep training is about being able to settle themselves to sleep, whether that’s at bedtime, naptime or after a feed. So you can still feed them. But we found that once they could settle themselves they dropped their feeds quickly anyway. Lots of the feeds were only happening as they were waking up, didn’t know how to get back to sleep, and feeding them was the thing that worked so I did it. But once they could settle themselves they slept for longer stretches, or when they naturally woke for a little bit they could themselves back to sleep so the feeds got dropped. I only mentioned it as I sometimes see breast feeding mentioned as a reason that sleep training won’t work.

@BumblebeeWest my middle one also cried for only 4 minutes before he went to sleep the night we first tried leaving him to it. In his case it was an utter non event and we felt so stupid for the increasingly elaborate performance we’d been going through to ‘help’ him get to sleep. You just never know.