DD's stepdad has stopped and child support

[mummymcphee]

Dd is 11 and her brother is 7 years old. My ExP and I decided to bring them up together with them both spending 50% of the week in each home after we spit 3 years ago. DD is not Exp's biological daughter but she calls him daddy and he has been her father figure since she was 2 years old.

Out of the blue at New Year EXP announced that he was no longer willing to look after Dd for 50% of the week with DS when he has him. He also announced he was stopping the child support payment of £46 per week.

DD is heartbroken and I am not sure of the best way to support her going forward. I think his decision was financially motivated as he has bought a house which needs repairs. How do I help her cope with this rejection at such a young age ?

Your daughter spent 50% of her time with a someone who was not her dad? That seems like an unusual parenting choice.
I'm not sure how you help her through this now other than lots of love, reassurance and spending lots of time with her. Does she see her own dad?

Did he have legal rights over her does he have a legal obligation to support her?

He is morally reprehensible btw

If it's just about the money would he see her if you paid him "child support" ?

I am very sorry for your dd and that the risky gamble you made didn't pay off. Most stepparents cut ties with their stepkids when the relationship breaks down which is difficult but "better" than this situation as this seems to have come out of the blue 😔

Anyway to know why he is stopping her visiting him? The money part, he never had to provide that, but suddenly stopping seeing her is shit behaviour. Anyway ti ask what's changed?

Presumably he doesn’t actually have to pay as she is not his. Would he see her if he didn’t have to pay? So at least your poor DD would still have him in her life? Can you chase her bio dad for maintenance? It’s his responsibility surely?

Sorry but you are to blame for this unfortunate situation, you should not have allowed the contact to continue, it was never going to be forever, he is not her dad and has no connection to her. You should never have pit your daughter in that position How traumatic for her, all you can do is be there to try and pick up the pieces.

Pretty shitty for him to agree to have her 50/50 and then back track on it. Especially after doing it for 3 years. (Though it sounds like an unusual set up).

I can’t believe it can be based solely on money. Surely if he was properly attached to her and felt like her “dad” he wouldn’t make money an issue.

I think you just have to provide as much reassurance to your daughter as you can that it’s not her fault that she can’t go there anymore and that she is loved by many people.

I wonder if this will affect tour ex’s relationship with his son? Surely your son must be wondering about the change or have some feelings about suddenly being away from his sister 50% of his time.

I think it's unusual for a step Dad to pay maintenance tbh and also to have her 50/50. Unless he adopted her I guess.

The person in the wrong is her biological father.

Are there any grandparents on the scene?

Maybe he feels uncomfortable now she is a pre teen - it's not the same as a child. Has he maybe met a new partner?

I feel sorry for DD but I don't think it was sustainable long term.

Yes I think OP should ask if he’d still see her but without paying her child support? He has no financial obligation to her.

Morally despicable to take responsibility for a child then dump them. He has been her father figure since she was a toddler, she doesn’t know anything else. And I don’t know how anyone could take on a parent role to a toddler then 9 years later cut them out of their life.

Legally, however, you can’t do anything. He isn’t required to pay anything or to see her. Horrible situation, and one that will cause terrible grief for your poor daughter.

I disagree with asking if he would still see her without paying. Surely the fact he hasn’t suggest that option and has chosen to end contact over a fairly minimal amount of money suggests he doesn’t really think of her as his “own”.

I don’t think op should get in to trying to persuade or facilitate contact that will probably be doomed to fail anyway. Why prolong the inevitable.

What part does the bio dad play in this? Your ex should never have had to pay for your daughter once you split up. She's not his kid, why on earth did you expect him to? Admittedly it is shitty about him stopping visitation.

Why isn’t it sustainable? He has been her father since she was 2 years old. And dumping a little girl who has called you daddy since she could talk because she’s now a preteen is repulsive.

Yeah because the woman he got into a relationship happened to have a kid. For most men that is something they put up with for the sake of a relationship, not something they want. He probably felt pressured to act like her Dad, that’s my guess.

Presumably he was a grown up man? And when they broke up could say ‘I don’t love your child, I don’t want to see her anymore’ rather than stringing her along for all these years?

But @Kanaloa he is not her father. The OP should never ever have allowed the child to see him as such. There was nothing wrong with him being her step father. It’s a horrible situation @mummymcphee and it’s not your daughter’s fault. Was she aware before this that your ex partner is not her father? You’ll need to give her a lot of love and reassurance and I would think twice about bringing another man in to her life in loco parentis again.

Can you ask if hel have her without paying? If it’s 50/50 care he shouldn’t be paying you anything for either child.

@Kanaloa

Why isn’t it sustainable? He has been her father since she was 2 years old. And dumping a little girl who has called you daddy since she could talk because she’s now a preteen is repulsive.

I agree it's not a kind thing to do. There must be something that has triggered this though. No money or new partner or maybe other people asking him why he's still paying? I do feel sorry for DD.

Why was he paying child support for any of them if he had them 50/50? Is he still laying money for his son?

Does she know he isn't her bio dad? He doesn't want contact and you can't force him, so I'd get her into counselling.

He has taken her on as his daughter from the age of 2, even continuing contact after the relationship with her mother has ended. He positioned himself as her father figure - just because someone isn’t biologically related doesn’t mean they have no responsibility and can pick up and discard children as they choose.

Bloody hell the replies here are horrible! 😳 Would you be saying this to a couple that had adopted their child from 2?!! Same thing. This girl has seen this man as her dad since she was 2. Whether he’s her biological Dad or not, he’s Dad. It’s utterly fucking horrible of him to suddenly dump her and stop seeing her - especially when she has a sibling that is still going to go! Absolutely disgusting.

op I don’t think there is anything you can do to make this better for your dd but I had a very similar situation- ex dh upped and disappeared completely and said he didn’t want anything to do with dd at 7 after he’d been in her life since she was about a year and a half. It was really horrible but she is now 19 and seems to have eventually coped. She did / does have a relationship with her biological Dad as well, but she definitely came to view my now ex as her dad as they spent so much time together even though she knew he was her step dad.

@Kanaloa all we know is that he was in a relationship with the child’s mother. The mother allowed the child to call him daddy. She has encouraged him to rely on this man as her father. He is not her father. The OP should have nipped this in the bud when the child was young.
The mother’s ex partner has gone along with the arrangement for three years. Yes it would have been far preferable to not have continued to take the daughter for half the week (although you are completely incorrect and unfair to say he doesn’t love her any more - his connection to the child was through her mother). The OP hasn’t explained why this arrangement has come about.
I have seen it in real life where mothers allow their young children to call a new partner daddy. To my mind that is equally as morally reprehensible and as seen here can lead to terrible heartbreak for the child down the line. The mother is the person supposed to protect her daughter and this includes being honest, not contriving a fantasy happy family situation.

Well, I wouldn’t say I’m ‘completely in the wrong’ to say he doesn’t love her anymore. He’s cutting her out of his life entirely after being her father for 9 years. Would you consider adoptive parents who dumped their adopted child after having them from age 2 to 11 good and loving parents?

@Xrays if your daughter had an ongoing relationship with her real father did she call your ex husband daddy? Because that’s totally different. The child here doesn’t seem to have had that ongoing relationship with her father. That’s the crucial difference. Your ex husband was your daughter’s step father, she wasn’t encouraged to see him as her actual father.
The adoption example is completely different - an adoptive father is recognised legally as the child’s father for all purposes and has responsibilities to the child which flow from that. It is diametrically different to the OP’s situation, which is one where her ex partner has made no binding commitment to the OP or her children.