DD's stepdad has stopped and child support

[mummymcphee]

Dd is 11 and her brother is 7 years old. My ExP and I decided to bring them up together with them both spending 50% of the week in each home after we spit 3 years ago. DD is not Exp's biological daughter but she calls him daddy and he has been her father figure since she was 2 years old.

Out of the blue at New Year EXP announced that he was no longer willing to look after Dd for 50% of the week with DS when he has him. He also announced he was stopping the child support payment of £46 per week.

DD is heartbroken and I am not sure of the best way to support her going forward. I think his decision was financially motivated as he has bought a house which needs repairs. How do I help her cope with this rejection at such a young age ?

This!

Also OP do you think he may be cutting ties because it's painful for him?

“Bloody hell the replies here are horrible! 😳 Would you be saying this to a couple that had adopted their child from 2?!! Same thing.”

^I agree with you that this man has behaved appallingly and has been terrible to drop this little girl after so long acting as her father. however I disagree that it is like adoption. With adoption people specifically choose to become parents. People are questioned and assessed before they are approved to become parents. This man just happened to meet this little girls mum. That not similar in anyway really. Also l, legally very different. Of course the parents could have looked into adoption and formalised his relationship as her father.

I'm not getting the shock. Biological dads walk out on their children. A stepdad who has had 50/50 car plus paid child support for another mans child for 3 years. I'm amazed he kept it up this long. I'd lay money it's a new partner who has pointed out the rather strange setup.
It would be nice for your DD if you could organise some kind of meetups with him and your joint DS - the movies or something.

I think the OP is probably smart enough to now regret this and doesn’t need you enjoying yourself telling her she fucked up, without actually offering her any helpful advice. And unless the OP’s daughter’s father is dead, he is ultimately the one to blame.

OP - you did this is good faith to give your daughter a father figure. Even though you probably want to throttle him right now, you have to go round and talk to him, about whether there’s a way to continue the relationship with him still acting as a father figure.

I think you have to proceed with caution rather than hope, as if he was prepared to drop her once, he might again. But if he was a biological father who did something like this (and as we all know some of them do it too) then you’d give it a shot to try and find a way to maintain the relationship. Once you know what the options are, you can help your daughter through it, calling in outside help if necessary.

@Kanaloa the man is unlikely to continue to take care of a young child that is not his child for half the week, every week if he was devoid of any affection for her. That seems a reasonable assumption to make.
There is no parallel with the adoption example you referred to - adoptive parents have made a commitment to look after the child as their parents. The OP’s former partner has done no such thing. It’s horrible for the little girl involved but the adults in her life have let her down. The OP should never have allowed this to come about and her former partner should not have agreed to it either. It’s not fair on the children. The ex partner could have been a perfectly loving presence in the girl’s life until the relationship ended.

He’s looked after this child as if she were his own and paid child support even though he has the children 50/50. To my mind thats the opposite of morally reprehensible.

What an awful thing to say ... in her eyes this man was her dad from 2yrs to 8yrs .. OP he's not a nice man and he needs to explain he's change of heart to you for some understanding.. I would just be honest with your DD ..

What a cunt.

OP, I'm sorry you're getting some horrible replies. Really hope someone has some helpful suggestions soon 💐

Ur poor daughter. What an absolute bastard doing that. He's all she's ever known, he is her dad to her. How cld he do that, beyond sad.

Is this just about the money. I don't imagine it is or he wld have said he cldnt afford to pay for her but would still like to have her if u wld allow.

How heartbreaking for your dd. Regardless of him being just a 'step' dad if he is all she has known and calls him dad then it's a shitty thing to do. I'm not so sure if he should have been paying for her, especially if she sees her bio dad. But to cut her out is just cruel. Would he see her if you are OK about the money for her stopping? Even if its not as often as he sees your ds? Still awful but if she loves him and wants contact then maybe it's an option? I don't know, I don't get how someone could do that tbh.

He sounds unpleasant. To drop a child like that is awful. If he doesn’t want to pay that is one thing, but to just drop a little girl who has called you daddy her whole life - that is nasty.

Sad

I would ask him why he has changed his mind.... is its financial, would you be OK if he stops paying child support and continues with the 50/50 child care?

If he says no to both, I don't think there is anything you can do ... but be kind, supportive and reassuring to your Dd. Very sad for her if this is the case.

It is an awful situation for the OP’s daughter but how long was this man to continue playing daddy? Everyone on calling this man an arsehole (which he may well be, but he’s done more than most fathers do when a relationship ends up to now) don’t know anything about why all this came about. Nothing in life is set in stone, fathers walk away from their own children every day as do some mothers. This man with no actual ties to this little girl, aside from a relationship with her mother that in the scheme of her lifetime will be a short though formative period of time, has gone beyond what many with biological and legal ties do.
OP you and your ex-partner have been short sighted. However now you need to focus on building your little girl back up again and making her feel cherished and loved. Do not ask your ex partner to see her on any terms going forward, your daughter at 11 is old enough to know she is being offered a consolation sop which will do nothing for her self esteem. She will get over this with your support.

That’s so sad. What a dick he is doing that to your DD!! You need to make it clear to her that whatever happens it’s not her fault.

I would talk to him and find out the reasons and explain how damaging this would be to your DD.

I’m sure whatever you did was in good faith at the time and probably just wanted her to feel equal to her brother and have a father figure in her life.

I don't see why people are encouraging OP to discuss this with him, or give him the option of seeing the DD and not paying the maintenance.

Even if it's about the money this time, it will will be something else next time. A new partner for example. Another new baby.

Cut the tie, OP. For your daughters sake. Tell her the truth and get her professional help.

He doesn't love her like his own and that's that, as hurtful as it is.

Don't prolong the inevitable for her.

Your poor dd. I think the dad from Clueless had the right idea

Why are stepdads meant to be like dads but stepmums aren’t meant to be mums? How many threads do we have on here from stepmums complaining about having to parent their DSC and wishing they didn’t have to spend time with them. Bet they wouldn’t be expected to take on 50:50 and pay maintenance for DSC after a relationship had broken down.

Does seem wrong that he has changed arrangements so suddenly though. Wonder if there is a new partner or a friend has commented that it is weird he his having a non-related pre teen girl staying at his house.

I presume he will still see her at events like school concerts for your son or whatever

But no normally step parents don't see the children after they seperate, that is not news

He is male so will be blamed by whatever he does but sure it would be nice if he wanted to see her but not always going to happen so it shouldn't really be a shock

I don't expect to him have paid either

With shared care he never owed you child support for either child so I’d consider what you got for DD as a gift and if he’s still paying for his son then it’s an ongoing favour.

Hopefully DD knows your ex isn’t her actual dad though his rejection will obviously be very painful for her. It’s very sad that the decisions you both made will have such an impact on her.

Tell her school so they can be aware and support her. I hope it doesn’t cause her to resent her brother.

Your poor DD.
Your ex has behaved despicabley.
Ime it's not that uncommon for step parents to take on a full parenting role particularly if DC are very young when they move in and biological parent isn't in the picture. I've also known step parents continue close links after divorce including maintenance
He's bought her up as his own since she was 2, she calls him dad and now 9 years later has abruptly rejected her. Its immoral. He's all she knows.
I think you need to talk to him and explain the terrible impact this has on DD, it will also impact DS as no child likes to see their sibling rejected. He will be thinking am I next.
Did he adopt DD? If not he has no legal responsibility so I think removing the need for him to pay child support may make him reconsider, possibly he felt he can't afford it and if he doesn't pay he can't see her? Or he thinks at 11 she's grown up and is uncomfortable with a almost teen girl? Or a new partner doesn't approve? Clutching at straws!
I would reassure DD and give her lots of love and positive reinforcement about how amazing she is. Do something special/ giver her lots of time and attention when DS is at dad's.
I would also let DDs school know as this will be very impactful on her, and possibly consider counselling, school may be able to help with this.