2 (ish) year age gap - mad?

[NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet]

Hi all,

So I have a lovely 15 month old boy. Originally partner and I were thinking we would just like one, but have since (I think) changed our minds. We got talking to some mums at a toddler group the other day who said although difficult at first, a smaller gap works great for them a couple of years down the line as their children play together and are into similar things.

My sister and I have a 5.5 year gap and we didn't get on until we were adults. However my partner has 2 brothers, all close in age and they don't really get on now as they are all different people. I suppose ultimately its impossible to know how things will turn out.

Our boy is so confident and sociable, but of course this could change! If I got pregnant in a couple of months or so, providing this is possible of course, he would be 2 and some months when the new baby is born. My biggest concern is him and how he would feel about a new baby at age 2 - are we best waiting until he can perhaps understand a bit more/there might be less jealousy? Having said that I was 5 when my sister was born and I still remember how jealous I was!

There will always be sibling rivalry, no matter what the age gap. Whether or not they play and get on will be more to do with personality and interests than age, I think.

Every age gap has its advantages and disadvantages. But if you are keen to have a smaller gap than you and your sister, for example, then I'd just get cracking as soon as you feel you could handle another one.

I was a bit like you ( perhaps?) . Conceived DC1 easily and quickly. Wanted to avoid a 5 + year gap. Started TTC when we felt ready, when DC 1 was about 2.5. Assumed it would be quick and easy again. It wasn't. Two miscarriages later, and we have ended up with a 4.5 year gap.

You can't possibly know. Some with a tiny age gap don't get on. Some with a large age gap will.

You'd be best not worrying.

There's pros and cons. But regarding jealousy - it's probably easier with a small age gap as your eldest won't remember life before the baby.

You can manage jealousy as well. Talk to your eldest about the baby all the way through pregnancy. Help involve them in nappy changes, picking the babies clothes out etc. Could even tandem nurse but that's a personal choice!

I think there are pros and cons to all age gaps so make the choice based on works best for you and your partner. What do you want? How old are you? Can you afford 2x childcare?

I had a 22m gap as I was in my late 30s and have no regrets. (Though there have been some hard times), But don’t think I’d regret any gap tbh, the main thing is having two sweet children!

I have an exact 2 year age gap, its mental but I think after the youngest hits 6 months it gets a little easier.

I am yet to see the upside as mine are 2.5 and 6 months but I am told it only gets easier and easier.

My advice is to make sure you have your partner onside to take on as much of the elder child as possible. And also, just do what you have to do to survive. I repeat to myself daily: everyone fed and not dead.

I think relationships are based on personality rather than age so it's not something you can really plan for. Children at 2 are so adaptable that in terms of feeling displaced by a new baby this is more likely to be an issue with an older child who has more understanding of what's going on and more experience and memories of life as an only.

We have 3 year gap and so far it feels pretty perfect. DD1 is self sufficient in a lot of ways, in nursery 3 days, good understanding, can actually help out with baby, sleeps through. I think 2 under 2 or around that would have been insanely bad for my mental health.

But I don't think there is a right answer. Every age gap has its pros and cons so it just depends which pros and cons you most want!

Agree

Thanks - I'm 32, partner is 36. We've managed to work our shifts so we only need a days childcare, which my wonderful mum does for us!

Definitely right about pros and cons. We actually made a pros and cons list last night, even split between the two!

I've got three years between mine and agree with PP that's it's great. DD1 was potty trained, in a bed, walking full time by the time DD2 arrived. Gap meant we started on the 30 "free" hours at nursery at the same time so that helped with finances too.

You're ready for another when YOU feel ready for another.

I had to consider that I had no family help (on either side, due to distance) and that the nursery fees for our eldest were more than our mortgage, so I waited and had a four year gap.

Everyone's situation varies.

I would chose a smaller age gap any day of the week. I have 5 kids, now aged 18,17,15,10,7. So my biggest age gap between two next to each other is 5 years. It’s my least favourite age gap. You can’t guarantee your kids will get on. But I feel like I have two separate families a lot of the time. They like to do different things, the older 3 and then younger two. And it’s always been like that since my 10yr old was born. As the older ones were already that much older.

Just to add, my fav age gap was 2.5 years (between numbers 2 and 3) although 3 years between 4 and 5 was basically the same.
because I only had one in nappies in the day. We could use a single pushchair with buggyboard rather than double. Older one was at nursery so still got some alone time with baby. But still close ish in age

There is no such thing as the 'ideal' age gap. If you want another baby, have another baby.

16 months between me and my sister; we don't get on at all.

7 years between me and my brother; never had an argument in 50 years.

It depends on the personalities, not the ages.

There are 15 months between mine. It’s so lovely. Of course they bicker sometimes but they mostly get on well and it’s nice because they have similar interests as they are so close in age. They share a room by choice as they don’t like being away from each other!

21 month gap here. Not planned that way but no regrets at all.
eldest does not remember being an only - his brother has always been around. I don’t think a 2 yo can get “jealous”.

now at 7 and nearly 9 they are two peas in a pod. Into broadly the same things too which is really helpful.

it was hard going in the beginning though. No doubt about that

I’ll be honest, I would focus more on what feels right for you and your DP, rather than your DS - if it feels right for both of you, it will be easier to manage his feelings. If you feel ready, go for it. If not, wait. If you had a difficult pregnancy or might be planning a c section, it may be preferable to wait until DC1 is a little more independent but not necessarily if you have family support.

We have a 4.5 year age gap. I thought it was going to be great - DC1 nicely settled in school so lots of time with DC2 at home and doing baby groups, no double whammy of childcare, etc. Covid hit wen DC2 was 8 weeks old. Short version: I wouldn’t plan if I were you.😂

Advantages for us are that DC1 was more independent and I had more time with DC2, Covid notwithstanding, in a way that wouldn’t have been possible with a smaller gap. We didn’t have to rush DC1 out of a cot or car seat to accommodate DC2, or buy two of everything. No double childcare costs.

Disadvantages are that the age gap can mean they have very different interests and won’t necessarily play together. In our case they are the same sex and DC2 is very interested in DC1’s toys, which isn’t ideal either! We also had just got to the stage of life being easier, not needing a buggy and a tonne of stuff to leave the house, etc, and then were suddenly back to square one. By the time DC2 starts school, I’ll have spent 9 years parenting preschoolers!

A number of friends of mine have much smaller age gaps, including as tight as 18 months, and they are generally very positive about them. It looks crazy for me but what I did notice was that suddenly, life seemed to get a lot easier, a lot faster, for those friends - a couple of years of crazy chaos and then bam, DC2 is starting school, careers getting back on track, and all looks good.

Everything has its advantages. Go with what you feel is right for you.

Agree that you can't plan the sibling relationship, so prioritise what works for you.

We have a 2y 3m gap, it's very full on (they're 4 and 2 now) but we're starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't enjoy the baby bit so I'm happy to have that out of the way.

We use nursery for childcare and left DC1 in when DC2 was born. If I'd had them both at home with me there would've been a much bigger age gap!

The smaller the gap, the quicker they get to the point where they're eating the same foods and on the same routine. But then the smaller the gap the more full on the early years will be as they will both be so dependant on you.

One word of caution - remember that adorable 15 month old will soon be a 2yo with all the terrible twos (and threes...) entails. So factor that into your considerations about how much you can handle!

My two DS and DD have a two year age gap, now 10 and 12. It's lovely. However, it was really hard work in the beginning and I gave up work and kept them together as much as possible, neither started school til reception age because of various needs but I didn't mind, I wanted their bond to be strong as possible. They have always got on and are more like twins now

Not mad, I know loads of people who have done that.

I have a friend who had a baby every other June 😄

Theres pros and cons to every age gap. I have a 2.5 year gap and then a 4.5 year gap so 7 years between oldest and youngest. It’s all good.

DS and DD same age gap, and massive jealousy from the first born. Absolutely hated each other until adults. I really think it's pretty irrelevant

It’s the most common age gap!

Absolutely fine here.

Same age here. Close but certainly not like twins. Don’t you find different interests? Right down to what they want to watch on tv?!

And different genders

My 2 are 2 years and 10 days apart. Planned that way.

Boy and girl. Now almost 6 and 4. They get on great. Best friends. This way round the development gap is about 6 months less than the age gap so they seem much closer in age.

My eldest says he doesn't remember his sister being born. He had never displayed any jealousy of her. He's always loved 'baby' as he called her for ages.

He's a very sweet kind boy though. I don't think he's ever been jealous of anyone