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Original poster

Extravagant 1st Birthday?

39 replies

AuntieWL · 03/01/2023 23:28

Hello mums, Im
an auntie not a mum but need some advice!

My sister in law is planning a 1st birthday party for my nephew in 5 months and asked me to help plan along with her brother and sister. I was initially thrilled as I’ve felt upset since he was born that I don’t get to be involved as much as her family despite living on the same road so jumped at the chance.

However assumed she meant just family but has turned it into a huge event with a venue and marquee, 80 guests, hiring a jungle gym, lots of jungle decor etc. it’s more like a wedding! Shes got every little detail planned in her head and is very particular.

Im starting to feel really stressed and when I keep asking myself why I just feel it’s to extravagant and an questioning who the party is for as my nephew is unlikely to enjoy such a big party and certainly won’t remember it. Our family isn’t huge so I don’t think our family will particularly enjoy it either as we won’t get much time with the birthday boy with there being so many guests.

Ive never been to a first birthday party so is this normal? When she asked me I was thinking small family party with a lovely cake and some balloons.

I’m having sleepless nights over it and it’s not the helping as I’d do anything to help my nephew and family have a great time but I can’t help but think this is too extravagant and a bit tone deaf with the cost of living crisis.

Has anyone got any advice or had similar experiences?

OP posts:

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IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 03/01/2023 23:35

That is wildly extravagant for a first birthday in my experience, but I'm sure that the suppliers of all these services will be grateful for the work.

Boringcookingquestion · 03/01/2023 23:41

Some people have extravagant 1st birthday parties for their DC. It wouldn’t be my choice but it’s no one else’s business what they decide to do. Even a tiny family party is more for the parents than the children at that age anyway.

If you don’t want to help then back out, but being judgmental about their choices or concentrating on what you and your family would prefer is unlikely to get you closer to your nephew. Being kind and respectful of your SIL’s parenting decisions is much more likely to lead to a close relationship.

Abcdefgh1234 · 03/01/2023 23:45

I’ve got extravagant first birthday for my son. I did it in a hotel with jungle gum, clowns, etc. its true the child doesn’t know anything yet. But first birthday its really important step for mum. Its the first birthday she become a mum aswell. In my opinion as long as she got the money why not. Its celebration for her too.

i always do extravagant birthday for every ‘big’ number. 1 , 5 , 10 , 17 and a
i guess after 17 they want to celebrate themselves

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UWhatNow · 03/01/2023 23:46

This is not your nephew’s birthday party at all - it’s your SIL’s event to brag about on FB. It’s all about her. I don’t know what you can do as an aunty other than make sure he’s happy and get some cute photos. And I wouldn’t be contributing beyond what you can personally afford.

momonpurpose · 04/01/2023 00:09

I had an extravagant 1st birthday for my daughter. Not this extravagant though. Not for Facebook because I didn't even have it at the time. She was a late in life miracle baby and I did it for me! Every party since she has chosen. If this party planning is causing you so much upset tell her you can't help. But I wonder if maybe something else in life is bothering you?

musicalgymball · 04/01/2023 01:10

Boringcookingquestion · 03/01/2023 23:41

^ this.

Stop judging her. Either way it's too stressful and back out or suck it up and help her plan the party.

Some people like big extravagant parties. Let her enjoy her life the way she wants and be a close part of it if you want, and a more distant part of it if it's not for you.

Leafer · 04/01/2023 03:08

It wouldn’t be something I’d do but I honestly don’t understand why you’re having sleepless nights over this? It’s not your party. It seems like there might be something else going on here?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 04/01/2023 03:12

Each to their own; it wouldn’t be for me, but why on earth would it cause you sleepless nights? Stand back if it bothers you that much.

What an odd thing to need help over.

WandaWonder · 04/01/2023 03:13

I couldn't think of anything worse but I don't get the issue help if you want or not, attend if you want or don't

Why on earth would you be losing sleep over it?

Original poster

AuntieWL · 04/01/2023 07:15

I think it’s that it feels like this party is for her and nobody else. My brother has no say in all this but I know him well enough to know this isn’t what he’d want.

The sleepless nights is because of how full on she’s being. I’m getting pages of messages and she’s very bossy / won’t listen to our opinion so I don’t know why she’s asked for help planning. There’s some added stress in that because it’s a bigger party both my parents will be there who are divorced and don’t speak which will be stressful for my brother and them.

The advice I’m after which maybe I should have explained better is firstly is this normal for a 1st bday as I’ve never been to one and how on earth can I get out of helping without upsetting anyone.

OP posts:

StarsSand · 04/01/2023 07:21

Stop judging her.

If you want to be more involved learn how to keep your opinions to yourself. You're complaining she won't take your opinions on board- why is she even hearing your opinion? It's not your baby!

My mother always said my grandmother was the best mother in law in the world because she never imposed her views. To everything my mum said about her plans for us, her response was an enthusiastic 'how lovely!'. She was very involved and positive relationships all around.

I suggest you practice your 'how lovely!' response and save your sleepless nights for a real problem.

I also used to think 1st birthdays were silly, but I've been through a pandemic since then and now I think every chance to celebrate is a good one.

If you don't want to help with the party just say you're busier with work than you anticipated and ask to be in charge of sourcing the drinks or something easy and specific that won't get out of control.

FusionChefGeoff · 04/01/2023 07:28

We had a big 1st birthday instead of a Christening - we had relatives travelling 3+ hours so wanted to make it worth while so a bit of cake in our living room didn't seem enough!

It was more about the bigger picture eg family and friends getting together rather than specifically DS's birthday

MotherOfCrocodiles · 04/01/2023 07:31

You could think of big first birthdays are a kind of replacement for christening parties- to welcome the baby to the community and celebrate their arrival.

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:33

Extravagant? Yes
Will the nephew enjoy or remember? No
Dp you need to let her get on with it and just get through the day with a smile on your face, helping where you can? Yes
Should you be having sleepless nights? No, and perhaps that indicates there’s much more to this

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:34

Post covid

I love a big, entirely unnecessary party!!

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:35

I’ll take a punt OP

You and your SIL aren’t exactly… besties?!

GuinnessLover · 04/01/2023 07:36

Who cares, it's a party, parties are fun, 1yo will probanly be asleep by 6. That's when all the fun started at my son's first birthday (though we did just have a few people, stuck a disco ball in the lounge and played drum and bass remixes of all his fav songs 😁). I say live and let live.

TeamHerbivore · 04/01/2023 07:36

What ‘normal’? Some people do an extravagant party, others don’t. We didn’t, we took our kids for a day out and had a cake at home on their 1st birthdays but we know others that had big parties. Who cares if it’s about the parents at that age as long as the kids are loved and looked after. Once they’re a bit older, the child can choose what they want to do. You’re being judgemental.

As for the helping, just explain that it’s a bigger task than you thought it would be and you might not have that much time, but you will help where you can. Tell her the things you are willing to do.

No need for drama.

Polkadotpolkadot · 04/01/2023 07:37

Im not sure why you're losing sleep over this? So what, it's no the type of party you'd do for a 1 year old, it's not your 1 year old.

TeamHerbivore · 04/01/2023 07:38

And if your brother isn’t happy, he can speak for himself. I’m sure he’ll have a lovely day celebrating his child’s birthday.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 04/01/2023 07:40

She’s being ridiculous, but it’s literally not your circus. Offer what you can, do it well, then step back.

ridiculoso82 · 04/01/2023 07:42

both my parents will be there who are divorced and don’t speak which will be stressful for my brother and them.

well that’s for them to be adults about it and bugger all to do with what your SIL decides to arrange for a 1st party

LemonDrizzles · 04/01/2023 07:42

I had a small- ish 1st for dc1 however with Prosecco to celebrate that we'd made it that first year. That's what I felt like, anyway. There were lots of nappies, teething, going back to work, lots of things, but here we are, 1 year and we have made it!!!

So yes if she can afford it. Re cost of living, tell her it's trending to support local small businesses where possible.

You may see her spending as wasteful, but if she has the money and spends it, it could help someone make up cost increases...

longestlurkerever · 04/01/2023 07:50

I didn't hire a venue or anything (it was summer so we had a barbecue) but I did have a more grown up party for my daughter's 1st birthday than any of her subsequent ones. We aren't religious so she didn't have a christening and I didn't really think about a naming ceremony but by the time she was a year old it seemed right to mark her arrival in this way. Obviously she had cake and balloons and a visit to the farm, but we also had friends round for a barbecue and beers. What's the problem exactly?

backinthebox · 04/01/2023 07:52

Looking at the replies here, it would seem I’m in the minority in thinking ‘that sounds unbelievably tacky!’ I would not be involved in the organising of it at all, let her enjoy that pleasure on her own. I would only attend a huge child’s 1st party if it was the child of a very close friend or a close family member I would spend time with anyway. I’m not sure where she would rustle up 80 people who think an afternoon spent sitting in a jungle gym looking at a bemused baby is a great way to spend time together! In fact, thinking this through, I am not sure how this is taking so much organising? Surely she just books the venue, books a cake, sends out invites, job done? That’s not so much effort she needs to even spend more than an hour or so on it herself, let alone drag an unwilling participant in!

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