Extravagant 1st Birthday?

[AuntieWL]

Hello mums, Im
an auntie not a mum but need some advice!

My sister in law is planning a 1st birthday party for my nephew in 5 months and asked me to help plan along with her brother and sister. I was initially thrilled as I’ve felt upset since he was born that I don’t get to be involved as much as her family despite living on the same road so jumped at the chance.

However assumed she meant just family but has turned it into a huge event with a venue and marquee, 80 guests, hiring a jungle gym, lots of jungle decor etc. it’s more like a wedding! Shes got every little detail planned in her head and is very particular.

Im starting to feel really stressed and when I keep asking myself why I just feel it’s to extravagant and an questioning who the party is for as my nephew is unlikely to enjoy such a big party and certainly won’t remember it. Our family isn’t huge so I don’t think our family will particularly enjoy it either as we won’t get much time with the birthday boy with there being so many guests.

Ive never been to a first birthday party so is this normal? When she asked me I was thinking small family party with a lovely cake and some balloons.

I’m having sleepless nights over it and it’s not the helping as I’d do anything to help my nephew and family have a great time but I can’t help but think this is too extravagant and a bit tone deaf with the cost of living crisis.

Has anyone got any advice or had similar experiences?

If your brother doesn't want it he can say so surely? But perhaps he sees it as important to his wife and harmless. Sympathies on the family dynamics but there'll likely be similar issues in future now there's a grandchild on the scene so perhaps as well to bite the bullet and start as they mean to continue - inviting both sides and expecting them to deal with it

For my son’s 1st birthday I hired a room in a local social club, buffet and bouncy castle (for older kids). I did it because he wasn’t baptised and I felt it was a good way of celebrating his birth with a wider group

It doesn’t matter what’s normal. It’s her son and this is what she wants to do. If you aren’t happy about it then back away.

It is extravagant for a 1st birthday. He won't remember it, he'll probably be overwhelmed, he'll be cranky because he will need his nap but won't be able to settle and mum will probably get stressed out.
I just had a few family members pop to the house on DS first bday, we played music and I got his ball pit out for him, and sang happy birthday which he cried at. The whole thing didn't even last 2 hours.
Good luck!

But agree with other pp, it's up to them if they want to throw a big party then they can. I wouldn't have sleepless nights over it either.
Just go with it

It's normal for some people, not for others.

Its a stupid thing for your SIL to waste her money on! Its more about her than her dc but that said its her dc, her money, her choice! I personally think this sort of thing is extremely tacky but I would never say that to my SIL if she decided to do it because its not my place to decide!

What isn’t normal is the aunt losing sleep over it

Yes it sounds awful but it’s ridiculously OTT to be having sleepless nights about it. Their baby their choice and if your brother has any objections then it’s up to him to put on his big boy pants and talk to his own wife.

If you don’t want to be involved in planning, which is totally fair enough, tell them you’re too busy with work/your MLM juice cleanse side hustle/goat yoga hobby to help with the advance planning but you can get there early on the day to help blow up balloons or lend a hand as needed and that you’re really looking forward to it.

My daughter turned one last year and I went to a lot of first birthday parties- there were all sorts but what you described op doesn't sound unusual. I hired a community centre hall and blew up a few balloons and hired their soft play.... her party was probably the cheapest and most paired down out of all of them... I don't judge them though. It made them happy and the babies/kids who attended all had fun. 🤷‍♀️

Not being rude OP but I think your attitude here might be why you aren’t as involved as her family’s! My MIL and SIL are very much like this, whilst they’ve never said anything straight up rude to me, it is so blatantly obvious what they’re thinking and how judgemental they can be. We aren’t stupid, we pick up on it. And I’m sorry to say but it doesn’t matter how close you and your brother are, when it comes to parenting you don’t know him well enough to decide whether he’s happy with this decision or not. Having a baby changes you, perhaps he now finds absolute joy in watching his son doing the smallest of things. My LO is 15 months and we’ve been to a few 1st birthday parties - hiring soft play in a hall, bouncy castles, jungle gyms etc has happened at every single one we’ve been to! It seems to be the norm

it doesn’t matter whether you get it or not, your SIL and brother have decided this is the type of party they want. Who are you to decide it’s ‘too extravagent’? You moan that you aren’t as involved as her family yet when she’s asked you to help you still moan. She will pick up on your lack of enthusiasm and will probably think why did I bother? She could’ve asked her family to help but she chose and asked you, rather than judge her for something you wouldn’t do why not be happy she’s involving you and help plan it?

ultimately, you could just say no?

either way it sounds like she can’t win.

I think for non religious families (those who don’t do a Christening or equivalent), a big first birthday can be a chance to celebrate the baby and get together with family and friends on a larger scale. There are no rules, different families take different approaches. You can either help and build some bridges or make some sort of excuse about work/life/etc to get out of supporting her but either way stop judging her - the first year is wonderful but exhausting and I can see how a nice party would be a lovely way to mark it.

I do think she should rein in the bridezilla message bombardment, that would piss me right off. But I think you should separate in your mind what's reasonable to expect from you from whether it's reasonable to have a party at all. That's her business and there's no reason for you to piss on her chips about it

Sounds extravagant but so what? I love a chance to get people together, have a celebration and enjoy the day. If I had money I'd throw parties all the time.

Who is it harming? Yes I think it can be within the realms of "normal" for people to throw big parties for important occasions and I think a first birthday is important! It's not just baby, your SIL has completed a year of motherhood and that's worth a big celebration too.

If you don't want to help I suggest you politely tell your SIL that she seems to have everything under control so doesn't need your help, and you are looking forward to the day.

Then buy a nice gift, go to the party and enjoy the extravagance at someone else's expense!!