Blended family help

mumofboysnot1but2 · 2023-01-03T02:00:42+00:00

Bit of background I have been separated from my husband for 2 years,my new partner has been separated from his wife for 18 months. I have 3 children and he has 2. The kids get along so well and have a fantastic relationship as do each of us with each others children. We don't live together i have mine 24/7 he has his 4 days out of 7, we don't have plans to move in together yet but he is my absolute soul mate. The one issue that I have is that he doesn't consider us to be a "blended family". He makes plans and often doesn't include us, I get that he wants to spend time with his kids alone but it leaves us with no time for us. I also feel that he competes with his ex for his kids affection when there is no need, the kids adore him. I don't think that he considers my kids part of us. If I plan anything it involves everyone, all of us. I know I sound petty but I want to approach it in a way that doesn't make me sound or feel bratty! In order for this to work we both need to be on the same page.

Bard6817 · 03/01/2023 02:13

Well as you don’t live together yet, are arent a family unit yet, therefore cannot be blended.

As for the time issue…. That’s an issue we all face, when we have to work, manage the kids affairs, work around the remnants of the relationships of ex partners, eat, sometimes it feels we don’t even have time to breathe.

He sounds like a good guy who wants to be in his own kids life. So i guess the question is how much mixing do the two groups of kids have? Do they mix well, same ages, like the same things? You can’t really force kids to get along i’ve found, and age differences can work amazing or really badly.

As for his competative edge with the ex…. If he’s comparative you won’t change a trait like that, unless he does it because he feels threatened or on edge. We know kids sometimes get used by partners on either side in some stupid power struggle. Hopefully he isn’t doing that, and neither is she.

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 02:15

You said this is your new partner. How new his he? It might just take time and until you move in together.

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 02:38

The kids are similar ages and get on really well. They enjoy each others company and have the same likes/ dislikes.
He is a fantastic man and I love him the kids love him and thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and his kids. When we aren't with them my youngest is always asking when we are going to see them.

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Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 02:40

We've been together almost 12 months. As yet there are no plans to move in together we were both really badly hurt by our ex partners and I for one am very cautious that I am making the right decisions for both my children and myself

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SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 02:41

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 02:38

The kids are similar ages and get on really well. They enjoy each others company and have the same likes/ dislikes.
He is a fantastic man and I love him the kids love him and thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and his kids. When we aren't with them my youngest is always asking when we are going to see them.

Sounds like a really good relationship. So good that I would suggest voicing your thoughts about this all to him. He will be able to give you some reassurance and answers 😊

SugarplumFairyyy · 03/01/2023 02:43

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 02:40

We've been together almost 12 months. As yet there are no plans to move in together we were both really badly hurt by our ex partners and I for one am very cautious that I am making the right decisions for both my children and myself

This makes a lot of sense now.

He is cautious in a different way to you- as you are more open to include him.

Maybe he's feeling like it's all going so well and it's almost too good to be true. That if he rushes into it all, it will somehow implode.

My advice it let it take its natural course. Speak openly about your fears but let it organically happen. If you feel he is unnaturally stuck in moving close to you with kids, talk through your fears together.

I think he's just being a bit cautiously optimistic due to past hurt.

LBFseBrom · 03/01/2023 02:45

I think it is a bit early for the 'blended family' to happen in this relationship. Neither of you have been separated from your previous partners, father/mother to your children, for very long. In a year or two things might be different.

It's good that he wants to do things with his children, that doesn't mean he rejects yours, only that he is not ready for a further commitment. That is sensible, it pays to be cautious, so please don't push it. Enjoy your life as it is, this is a precious time for you and your children.

MayThe4th · 03/01/2023 03:21

This is far far too soon to consider yourselves or even want to consider yourselves a blended family.

this is a very new relationship, many people won’t even have introduced the kids at this stage, although not judging that, but the point is that a year in you should be thinking of occasional contact between the kids and the parents spending more time with their own kids than as a unit. Maybe a couple of years in you can start to think of a blended family but TBH, I wouldn’t.

Spending time together when you all (especially the kids) have your own houses to go back to is much different to living together where the kids are expected to be a family. And tbh blending five kids sounds like a potential recipe for disaster.

I would bring up the possibility of spending more time together going forward, but I A, wouldn’t push it, and B, would think very carefully about moving in together while the kids are still school age. Go and look at the step parenting boards to see posts about the pitfalls of blending families.

In essence, be careful what you wish for. if this relationship is the one then you can make it work without having to throw all your kids into a forced family together.

CatJumperTwat · 03/01/2023 03:49

It's absolutely right and healthy that you each spend plenty of alone time with your own children. You're two families, not one.

WandaWonder · 03/01/2023 03:53

It's great the kids get along but I think you are pushing it a bit

Even if you all lived together there may be always a need for him to do this of he wants

Your kids may not want to be with him or his kids all the time either no matter what they say

I would jusy be happy with the time you do spend with him

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 04:26

Maybe I am wishful thinking that this will all work out. I haven't been in this situation before ( other than when I was a child and I had a stepfather).
We all get along so well, we all love each other and I suppose I feel disheartened at times.

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Devilledmeg · 03/01/2023 04:38

Stop lovebombing him. He was only six months from his breakup before you got together, you only a year. You've been together just 12 months and he's your soul mate?! Your kids 'love' him? This has disaster written all over it.

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 05:46

Thank you for your helpful advice

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Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 05:56

Absolutely I think I worded the title wrong. I know that we are 2 families and completely appreciate the time and enjoyment we have when we're together.

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Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 05:59

Thank you, we are very happy when we spend time together. I'm not some over possessive woman that wants him all to myself. I totally appreciate the time we have together and apart.
My kids enjoy spending time with him and his kids,I think because their own dad has been such a let down the past few years and they appreciate the male figure in their lives.

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ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 06:06

You have only been together 12 months. Slow down. Of course he should be continuing to do things with his kids alone. He’s not a new dad for your kids.

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 06:14

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 06:06

You have only been together 12 months. Slow down. Of course he should be continuing to do things with his kids alone. He’s not a new dad for your kids.

I don't want him to be a new dad for my kids. I made that very clear at the start. They have a dad, he may be useless but he is their dad. I wouldn't want to replace their dad.

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Outtasteamandluck · 03/01/2023 06:16

12 months is no time at all in the scheme of things. There are a lot children affected by your decisions so it needs to be right.

There are countless posts on here where people have moved too quick and it's not gone the way that people thought it would.

Maybe he doesn't want to share his time with his kids ?

It's still early days, navigating a split and then creating a new relationship.

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 06:31

Outtasteamandluck · 03/01/2023 06:16

12 months is no time at all in the scheme of things. There are a lot children affected by your decisions so it needs to be right.

There are countless posts on here where people have moved too quick and it's not gone the way that people thought it would.

Maybe he doesn't want to share his time with his kids ?

It's still early days, navigating a split and then creating a new relationship.

The children are so important and are a massive factor as to what the decisions are. I said above that I have worded the title wrong and I'm aware that we are 2 families and not 1.
I don't want to move things too fast I am trying to be sure that this is the right thing for me and my kids as well as making sure that him and his kids.
We are both very cautious as I've said we have both been hurt in the past. I am keen to ensure that the children are number 1 priority.
I felt that I was possibly being put on the back burner at times. I realise that perhaps I seem a little petty and that's not how I wanted to come across

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Wallywobbles · 03/01/2023 06:54

Neither of you seem to be divorced yet. Until that happens you cannot build anything permanent.

I adore my DH but his divorce was hideous and long. If I'd known how long I wouldn't have dated him until it was over. I was 6 years divorced when I met him. Divorce can be incredibly damaging to all involved. Including the kids. And it's never really done with.

All our kids are the same age. Get on pretty good. Mine were 24/7 his 50/50. But that difference matters. His kids would still say home is with their Mum. Despite us living in the house they started life in. They have 2 sets of rules, mine have 1. Who disciplines whose kids is a minefield that grows over the years.

Ragwort · 03/01/2023 06:58

You seem to be moving far too fast ... what 'blending' do you actually mean? Do you expect to all hang out together at weekends? Surely that's not healthy? Keep your own boundaries, value time with your DC alone. Enjoy dating this man without the need for the DC to be together.

Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 07:21

Ragwort · 03/01/2023 06:58

You seem to be moving far too fast ... what 'blending' do you actually mean? Do you expect to all hang out together at weekends? Surely that's not healthy? Keep your own boundaries, value time with your DC alone. Enjoy dating this man without the need for the DC to be together.

Yeah I did say above that I've titled my post wrong.

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Original poster

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 07:25

Wallywobbles · 03/01/2023 06:54

Neither of you seem to be divorced yet. Until that happens you cannot build anything permanent.

I adore my DH but his divorce was hideous and long. If I'd known how long I wouldn't have dated him until it was over. I was 6 years divorced when I met him. Divorce can be incredibly damaging to all involved. Including the kids. And it's never really done with.

All our kids are the same age. Get on pretty good. Mine were 24/7 his 50/50. But that difference matters. His kids would still say home is with their Mum. Despite us living in the house they started life in. They have 2 sets of rules, mine have 1. Who disciplines whose kids is a minefield that grows over the years.

Thanks, I understand its difficult especially when children are involved.
I am not trying to rush things the kids views and feelings are my top priority.
I'm.also not saying that I want use to spend every moment together. We do have time alone with our respective children and that time is treasured.
I haven't been very good with words on my post.

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Wallywobbles · 03/01/2023 08:56

You don't seem to be absorbing what I mean. I'm not talking about alone time or anything like that. I am talking about the fact that you both have to get through the actual divorce process. Separation is NOT divorce. You both potentially have years of legal shit in front of you. And that needs to be behind you before you build something new.

aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2023 09:00

I think you're being quite stifling. It's good and normal for him for him to do things with his kids without including you and yours, you should really be doing the same.

Blended family help

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