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Original poster

Blended family help

37 replies

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 02:00

Bit of background I have been separated from my husband for 2 years,my new partner has been separated from his wife for 18 months. I have 3 children and he has 2.
The kids get along so well and have a fantastic relationship as do each of us with each others children. We don't live together i have mine 24/7 he has his 4 days out of 7, we don't have plans to move in together yet but he is my absolute soul mate.

The one issue that I have is that he doesn't consider us to be a "blended family". He makes plans and often doesn't include us, I get that he wants to spend time with his kids alone but it leaves us with no time for us. I also feel that he competes with his ex for his kids affection when there is no need, the kids adore him. I don't think that he considers my kids part of us. If I plan anything it involves everyone, all of us.
I know I sound petty but I want to approach it in a way that doesn't make me sound or feel bratty! In order for this to work we both need to be on the same page.

OP posts:
Xrays · 03/01/2023 09:04

Wallywobbles · 03/01/2023 08:56

You don't seem to be absorbing what I mean. I'm not talking about alone time or anything like that. I am talking about the fact that you both have to get through the actual divorce process. Separation is NOT divorce. You both potentially have years of legal shit in front of you. And that needs to be behind you before you build something new.

I think this completely depends on the circumstances. I was separated when I met my
now dh (been married 15 years now). My divorce was really straightforward, we had a clean break agreement as I owned the house and my now ex dh just signed the papers and sent them back. We’d already agreed maintenance separately etc. The whole thing only took about 6 months ish from when I lodged the papers.

But yes op; don’t rush things. It’s good to keep things a bit separate for a while.

CatJumperTwat · 03/01/2023 09:10

mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 04:26

Maybe I am wishful thinking that this will all work out. I haven't been in this situation before ( other than when I was a child and I had a stepfather).
We all get along so well, we all love each other and I suppose I feel disheartened at times.

It does sound very much like wishful thinking and rose-tinted glasses. Perhaps you are the Brady Bunch and everybody is delightfully happy but the vast majority of children would rather not be "blended" with others. Many do see how much their mum WANTS them to play happy families and so pretend. You do need to tread really carefully, especially since you've moved so fast.

Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 11:31

aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2023 09:00

I think you're being quite stifling. It's good and normal for him for him to do things with his kids without including you and yours, you should really be doing the same.

We don't spend every minute of every day together. We aren't always together when he's got the kids and we do do things separately. I'm not daft

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Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 11:36

CatJumperTwat · 03/01/2023 09:10

It does sound very much like wishful thinking and rose-tinted glasses. Perhaps you are the Brady Bunch and everybody is delightfully happy but the vast majority of children would rather not be "blended" with others. Many do see how much their mum WANTS them to play happy families and so pretend. You do need to tread really carefully, especially since you've moved so fast.

Show quote history

We certainly aren't the Brady Bunch. This isn't about forcing the kids to be together all the time, we have separate time we do things separately with our own children and that's the way it should be. Hes a fantastic father to his children and I am in no way looking for a replacement dad for my own. My boys definitely don't hide their feelings and are quite vocal if they don't like anything or don't want to do something.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 11:47

Wallywobbles · 03/01/2023 08:56

You don't seem to be absorbing what I mean. I'm not talking about alone time or anything like that. I am talking about the fact that you both have to get through the actual divorce process. Separation is NOT divorce. You both potentially have years of legal shit in front of you. And that needs to be behind you before you build something new.

I do understand that the divorce process can be long and painful, my own mothers divorce was which I was present throughout.
I was

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2023 11:49

We don't spend every minute of every day together. We aren't always together when he's got the kids and we do do things separately. I'm not daft

And yet you said you always organise things for all of you and it bothers you when he does things without you?

Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 12:00

I feel like I've been shot down in flames by a lot of these responses, some telling me that my relationship is doomed because we have so many children between us or because God forbid we've told each other we love them 12 months in.
I'm aware that divorce process can be long and difficult. I'm also aware that things can change even more during this process.
I have no rose-tinted glasses and definitely don't consider us to be the Brady Bunch. We have been extremely happy together and the kids weren't forced together after the first date. We dated for a few months before we met each others children and a little longer before we introduced the children to each other.
I understand that people are thinking that we have moved too fast and that I'm not taking their feelings into consideration. Which isn't the case. I was asking originally how to approach the fact that sometimes I feel like I'm in the background and just going along with everyone else's plans. We do things separately with our own families and do things together,however I have felt that his kids are far more superior than mine. I don't think that it's too much to ask that we can spend time together as 1 sometimes and that everyone's feelings are taken into consideration.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 03/01/2023 12:03

aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2023 11:49

We don't spend every minute of every day together. We aren't always together when he's got the kids and we do do things separately. I'm not daft

And yet you said you always organise things for all of you and it bothers you when he does things without you?

It bothers me when we aren't taken into consideration.
I consider everyone in everything,we might not do them together but I have either asked or brought the conversation/idea to the table.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 03/01/2023 12:13

It bothers me when we aren't taken into consideration.
I consider everyone in everything,we might not do them together but I have either asked or brought the conversation/idea to the table

But that comes down to the same thing - it not being ok for him to just do things with his kids or you with yours. The kids on either side might not like to always have to give the option of doing things together. They might actively want to do it alone.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 16/01/2023 12:38

Wait; you're both still married to other people. How can you be a blended family when neither of you seem bothered about ending your respective marriages first? You're both in relationship with a married man/woman. How can you be separated for all this time and not make any effort to divorce your first partner? I don't understand. I know if I split from my husband I'd be filing for divorce that week. Not still married 18 months later and made no attempt end my actual marriage. You don't have a 'family' with your married partner. You still have a family with your husband. End that first.

Original poster
mumofboysnot1but2 · 16/01/2023 16:22

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 16/01/2023 12:38

Wait; you're both still married to other people. How can you be a blended family when neither of you seem bothered about ending your respective marriages first? You're both in relationship with a married man/woman. How can you be separated for all this time and not make any effort to divorce your first partner? I don't understand. I know if I split from my husband I'd be filing for divorce that week. Not still married 18 months later and made no attempt end my actual marriage. You don't have a 'family' with your married partner. You still have a family with your husband. End that first.

Both divorces are going through. There is nowhere above that states that no attempt has been made to end the marriages.

OP posts:
LJane88 · 31/03/2025 20:57

Evening! Im looking for some advice. Im two years out of a marriage, my partner is still going through divorce. I have a 3 year old, he has a 4/5 year old. All the kids get on so well. We currently live separately and i work full time and have my son 5 nights, he works away and has them every other weekend. Whilst we spend time together, i also want to spend time with my son on a one to one basis, which I dont get very often with work. My boyf says he is only back on a weekend and I should maximise my time with him and his children. We are only a different page with this completely and I also like some time to myself. My question is, how do you navigate. Whilst i love seeing his kids, its too much for me every other weekend.

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