Not happy for PIL to do childcare - how do I deal with it?

[Merryclaire]

When I go back to work my PIL want to take on a day a week of childcare (with the rest split between me and nursery).

I get on fairly well with them but I have some concerns about this:

• FIL has had a series of illnesses and has just ‘beaten’ cancer but still undergoing regular preventative treatments that take it out of him.
• I feel FIL is showing some early signs of dementia. DH swears it’s just he’s always had a bad memory but I suspect there’s more to it.
• While FIL is a fun person I feel he’s not the most responsible of people, especially when you throw in the health issues. Eg BIL had to tell him off the other week for playing too rough with our niece.
• MIL is sensible and I trust her but I fear she’d have to watch FIL too. She seems to be in denial there is any issue with him.
• They are 70 and I feel they may struggle with the physical aspects (though they are not in bad shape - FIL always has something wrong with him).
• I do have other issues about some of their values etc but I could get past that if not for the other stuff.

At the moment it feels like there is an assumption it’s a done deal but I don’t feel easy about it. I know DH would be unhappy about telling them no (again I think he’s in denial about FIL’s capabilities).

While it would be nice to save some money on childcare I just don’t feel that comfortable with the idea.

What would you do?

My PIL would rather eat their own eyeballs than do childcare but DH and I talked about it before that was apparent, and agreed we’d politely decline any offers. I’ve never known grandparents providing childcare to work out… they want to be fun, not parent, and once or twice a week is too much to break the routines. It also seems to cause a lot of stress about parenting styles and changes; and most children seem more settled having one main childcare place, so we went for more nursery days.

It sounds like that would be wise in your case too; although how you get DH on board… your need to a start with him.

id Feel it was far to much

nyrsery days are not easy to come by, I’d put D.C. into nursery instead and suggest they pick him up about 4pm on the day and bring home etc

so they get nice time with grandchild but not get tired out by grandchild

ir do a practice day so they can see it’s a lit to take on

Can you phrase it in a way that says you’d rather they get to enjoy being fun grandparents rather than official childcare and it’ll be nicer for everyone if they’re not restricted by the regular commitment of a long day? Maybe not, but might be an idea.

Depending on where you live you could struggle to get an extra day if you decide you need it. And it’s better to suck up short term awkwardness than regret following your instincts and something bad happening.

Does DH have any concerns?

For various reasons partly related to covid we swerved a similar situation. My dad and SM declared they’d be having the baby a day or two a week when we told them I was pregnant. It nearly brought me out in hives and I panicked for ages about how to decline nicely but firmly without stating WW3. As it was my side it was easier and DH was completely onside.

Your only priority is your child being safe and secure and happy in the care of people who are up to the job.

They did childcare for older grandchildren so they think they will be fine, but it’s been a few years so I feel things have changed in that time.

I think a nursery pick up is a good idea as gives them a couple of hours without being so reliant on them for childcare. Though will depend on whether FIL’s driving abilities have declined!

DH doesn’t share my concerns and is happy for them to do it, but I feel that’s because he’s in denial about his dad’s capabilities. Whenever I try to discuss my concerns of early dementia symptoms he shuts it down and gets annoyed at me.

Yes FIL is a forgetful person but it seems to have gotten worse lately - forgetting names, facts etc. Repeating the same questions all the time.

PIL adore DD so I want them in her life but I just don’t feel at ease about FIL taking on a childcare role - even under the watchful eye of MIL as it only takes a few seconds to miss something.

I think if I phrase it as not wanting to burden them they won’t go for it. I might have to suggest nursery insisting on a minimum number of days.

Tell them nursery will charge you for the day so you're going to send DD there but they can pick up once a week? Or give DD a half day at nursery so they either drop DD off at lunchtime or pick her up for the afternoon. They're likely to be tired by the afternoon so them dropping her off for the afternoon session would make more sense, unless your DD naps during the afternoon in which case the opposite arrangement might work better so she naps at theirs after a morning at nursery.

Littlies at nursery are often sick. Hey PIL, it would be so helpful to us if you could collect from nursery on Thursdays and give me a bit of space to catch up on work that day.

I'd like to suggest they are available more informally for emergencies but if fil has been ill, it's may be not such a good idea if your little one is sick.

DH doesn’t share my concerns and is happy for them to do it, but I feel that’s because he’s in denial about his dad’s capabilities. Whenever I try to discuss my concerns of early dementia symptoms he shuts it down and gets annoyed at me.

An additional worry then is that if there’s an accident and something happens to your baby he’ll react the same. Minimise it, get defensive, shut you down.

He’s happy to prioritise his parents wishes over your baby’s need to be with safe reliable carers and your need to know he’s safe and the care he’s in can be relied upon.

Looking after a baby isn't rocket science. What do you honestly think is going to happen?

It would be much more helpful to us if you could serve as our emergency backup.

If indeed you would be ok with them helping out with the random nursery closure day. If it’s not regular care, the standards can be lower. It’s ok if it’s a day of poor naps, too many treats, or too much screen time, because it’s just one of those rare special days with the grandparents.

Did FIL have chemo? Could he have ‘chemo fog’?

It’s not rocket science but you do need to be on the ball to look after a baby/toddler.

My concern is that FIL will do something unsafe due to mixing a generally irresponsible personality with illness and possible early dementia. What if he forgets to fasten her seatbelt for example?

I’ve heard my BILs/SILs with older children complain about his lack of safety care. And that’s without throwing in the recent illness.

It has occurred to me it’s a side effect of the treatment - hopefully that’s the case.

I think occasional babysitting days and the odd couple of hours if she finishes nursery early would be much better as they don’t have to make such a commitment.

Perhaps I’m being over cautious but I don’t want to take the risk. And actually I do think it’s a lot to take on in their circumstances.

You could check with the nursery about how easy it would be to add an extra day on later on. I'd be more comfortable with PIL having DD one day a week in your situation knowing that if it did get too much for them, there's another option, and would be more inclined to go for full time nursery if it's a now or never offer of a full time place.

Go with your instincts OP.
Dh and I are mid 60's. 9 years ago we looked after dgc1 quite a lot.
We have a new dgc and there is no way I could be responsible for them apart from occasional babysitting.
We're too old and tired. There's a reason older people can't have dc.
We're both physically fit too.

I actually think one day a week would be fine for them. It's one day they are being reasonably realistic in what they are offering.

It will save you money in the long term and give them time to enjoy being grandparents.

Picking up early isn't going to save you money. And that will be part of their motivation.

I would take a different approach. Small children in nursery pick up every bug that's going and pass it on in spades to their parents. Is it remotely sensible to have your DD bring it to them a day a week.

Even emergency childcare is therefore a godsend but you will all need to factor in the exposure to your FIL of that level of germs on a day to day basis. The endless streaming noses, the hand, foot and mouth, the tummy bugs.

Why not start with the full commitment for the winter months and drop her days/take the odd half day as the weather warms up and they can do nice things with her?

Depending on the cancer treatment, chemotherapy can leave you immunocompromised for at least a year after treatment, looking after a nursery aged child may mean he's more likely to catch an illness he's less able to fight.

Sticking to the fun bits of grandparenting sounds sensible, it's irritating you can't have an honest conversation with them, but if something were to happen and you already doubted their ability would be horrid.

How many days of nursery is it? I'd say they had a minimum of eg 3 days and then if you find inlaws are able to handle it and you want to then drop a day.

First baby OP?...I was so concerned first time too..second child less so..children are quite resilient...now strapping 20 year olds, but I remember that worry! As others have said, ask them to help out on " sick" days and unpredictable events...they will be worth their weight in gold then! Go with committing to a certain number of days, and possibly add a pick up.
Gives them and opportunity to help and not be to committed.

I’d say you’ve already made your mind up that they are not capable of looking after your child. The difficulty is that your DH doesn’t agree with you, and it’s his child too.
I suggest you arrange nursery for the days you’re both working, then on the other days, arrange for PILs to have baby for a couple of hours in your home to enable you to do things like go to the hairdresser / Supermarket / dentist etc etc. even to allow you to get on with some housework or cooking! Time it so baby is napping some of that time. Once you see that they are more than capable of looking after baby you might feel more reassured that they can do emergency care on nursery days.

I think you're right to have concerns. You don't want to be left in the lurch if PIL are unwell and unable to look after LO. They probably have underestimated how hard it is looking after a baby / toddler all day too!
If I were you, I'd compromise and offer for them to have your LO one morning / afternoon on one of 'your' days. This way, if they suddenly can't do it, it's not the end of the world.
It would give you a few hours to go shopping / catch up on personal admin / housework / batch cook in peace whilst giving them time with their grandchild. You'd get freedom to enjoy the other times with your baby without juggling other chores at the same time. Maybe not every week but start once a month / fortnight and see how it goes.

I hate all the ‘first baby op?’ Comments they’re so patronising!

just say no, OP. You don’t have to justify any decision you make.

I think a lot of issues arise when family look after children. My PIL have always looked after their grandchildren when they were babies and it was always ‘no, he’s not having a dummy when he’s at ours’ or they end up doing things that you don’t agree with but uou feel you have to keep quiet because they’re ‘helping you out’

in lucky that I’m at home with my little one. Let’s say I went back to work, there’s no chance any family would watch him especially PIL

OP I'd say you're concerned they can't reliably commit to set days if FIL is often ill and you need guaranteed childcare.

You can't keep chopping and changing your days when they have medical appointments or feel under the weather or whatever.