My MIL’s presence around my baby is really annoying me!!

[Mayflower193]

I have a 1 month old and since being pregnant I’ve felt anxious about how my MIL would behave once the baby arrived. She’s quite controlling in a non-malicious way, it’s just more that she always has a different ‘suggestion’ on how to do things in general and I always feel like I have to back down because she doesn’t let it go otherwise.

Even when I went into labour she was constantly texting asking for updates and then when she came to visit in hospital with my Mum she insisted on having the first cuddle which I now feel immensely guilty about because I wanted my own mum to have the first hold.

She always insists on holding my son whenever she visits like it’s a god given right and this really annoys me! I know she is his grandma but he’s mine, not hers!

My husband keeps mentioning about her babysitting when we have plans in the next few months and even suggested she have him overnight on a couple of occasions but I really don’t want this. I’m 100% fine with my mum having him anytime whether that be a few hours or overnight so how do I tell my husband I don’t want his Mum to have him overnight??

I feel awful saying this but I just have this constant feeling of wanting to make sure my baby has a better relationship with mum than my MIL ☹️ is this normal??

Yes OP, absolutely the right thing to do it to teach your SON that maternal grandparents always take priority over paternal grandparents.

I have a wonderful relationship with my son's wife and children. I taught my son to value all his grandparents and he is teaching his children the same.

Congrats OP on the birth of your child. I think YANBU, yes you read that correctly YANBU.

I feIt like this when my child was born. I had several red flags occur with my MIL that led me to feel this way.

My own mum listens to what I say and doesn't provide unsolicited advice or other suggestions and I know her parenting style therefore I wanted to forge more of a relationship for my son with my mum as opposed to MIL (who in my mind would want to raise DS her way as she is so opinionated and would dismiss what I say). Is this why you want your mum to be more involved?

Fortunately for me lockdown kicked in 2 days after DS was born so I was able to figure things out for myself.

Ignore suggestions of baby sleeping over etc. I would get that also and it was very upsetting. Nobody can force you to do this until if and when you are ready.

Do make sure you continue to see MIL and do things your way and don't back down if you think you are right.

Now my PIL have a fixed day once a week where DS goes over for the whole day (has breakfast lunch and dinner there) and maybe another odd visit during the week and my mum sees him once a week.

So she can accept being irrelevant when he grows up and has his own family? How awful.

Op I hope you realise how ironic this is given that you’re looking at your own future. How will you react when your son’s future partner finds you a nuisance to be around and prioritises their own family?

I disagree with a lot of posters on here OP. I'm a new mum too. Whilst I wouldn't feel comfortable with my mum taking care of my baby (shit relationship), the truth is you need to feel 100% secure and comfortable with whenever you leave your baby with. It's a massive thing to trust anyone with your baby.
Naturally, youd trust your own mum a bit more if you're close.

I'm not mega comfortable with my MIL holding onto my baby for ages even when I'm in the room. It's not something I expected to happen when I was pregnant if I'm honest - she's lovely and I was looking forward to having some help. But I'm nowhere NEAR that stage yet. (My baby is 3 months)

Your teaching your son how to treat you in the future. Be an example for good & enjoy your son. He a baby you can never have enough people to love him. You attitude is immature & v unhealthy (hope this is not learned behaviour from your own mother) !

This with bells on

So much this.

Do what makes you comfortable and what you are happy with. You can sense this woman is trouble for you, so you are pulling away. I would and I don’t see any issue in you choosing who your baby stays and spends time with. Perhaps if his mother wasn’t so intrusive and insistent you’d feel differently. It’s early days and she can learn yet, if you kindly ask her to back off as this is all new to you and you need to get your bearings.

Your MIL is as much of a grandmother to the baby as your mum. There is absolutely no difference genetically or in the attachment that both grandmas will feel towards the child.

Yes, you're being very unreasonable of you want your child to like/love his paternal grandmother less than his maternal one.

My MIL was a fantastic grandmother. My kids and their cousins all adored her, and watching their relationship was a total joy to me, from their babyhood until we lost her when they were in their 30s.

Exactly this. I think if the MILS proved they could be trusted and respect your boundaries, the mothers would find it easier to let go. Just my opinion.

Yes 👏

Do the young mothers of today really think that DMs/MILs have only just started to give advice out to new mums? It's been happening since the beginning of time, and mostly it gets dealt with.

There is a saying about it taking a village to raise a child, but these days it seems to be all about "my little family" and outsiders are not allowed to have any influence, apart from some DMs, and MILs are, apparently, to be shut out as much as possible. I really hope it is only your hormones talking OP, as if you seriously want to make sure "your" baby has a better relationship with your mum than your MIL then I fear for your marriage.

I feel very very very sorry for your MIL. What a great way to make her feel like shit!! Are you sure you’re even mature enough to be a mother?!