My MIL’s presence around my baby is really annoying me!!

[Mayflower193]

I have a 1 month old and since being pregnant I’ve felt anxious about how my MIL would behave once the baby arrived. She’s quite controlling in a non-malicious way, it’s just more that she always has a different ‘suggestion’ on how to do things in general and I always feel like I have to back down because she doesn’t let it go otherwise.

Even when I went into labour she was constantly texting asking for updates and then when she came to visit in hospital with my Mum she insisted on having the first cuddle which I now feel immensely guilty about because I wanted my own mum to have the first hold.

She always insists on holding my son whenever she visits like it’s a god given right and this really annoys me! I know she is his grandma but he’s mine, not hers!

My husband keeps mentioning about her babysitting when we have plans in the next few months and even suggested she have him overnight on a couple of occasions but I really don’t want this. I’m 100% fine with my mum having him anytime whether that be a few hours or overnight so how do I tell my husband I don’t want his Mum to have him overnight??

I feel awful saying this but I just have this constant feeling of wanting to make sure my baby has a better relationship with mum than my MIL ☹️ is this normal??

I agree with first part of this.

a lot of how you feel, Op, is probably driven by a bit of fear. Of course you are going to be fearful of leaving your baby with someone you don’t trust implicitly- that is what all those hormones and bonding are doing to you and is deep routed to ensure babies survival. It is, at this stage, more deep routed than your partners- he doesn’t have all those hormones flooding his brain.

But, you need to be careful..you trust your mum more , as this poster said, simply cos she was your mum. You know her parenting style intuitively and yours will probably mirror that naturally.

you do not have that same deep bond with MIL. that’s entirely natural and it’s therefore entirely natural to feel that fear. Your husband is the opposite - he survived his mums parenting and probably trust his mum more than yours.

Imho, you need to find a way of gradually reducing your instinctive fears. Gradually allow MIL to have time on her own. At same time you need to talk to her honestly about things she says that piss you off. You both want the same thing for your son. Her controlling is almost certainly driven by some of the same fears you have towards her- she doesn’t know you as well as her son, she’ll be wanting to ensure you do it “ right” instinctively ( right by her way) and you need to build her confidence in you too. When she tries to control, stop her but explain your thinking clearly to her. Say if you need help, you will certainly ask for her views and experience. But also talk to her about her experience- just asking her about that says you do respect that she’s been through this and maybe has some useful things to pass on. You can deselect the off the cuff unwanted comments, by a good natter over her parenting style and a cuppa when you are both relaxed. Recognise she did raise a baby apparently successfully and resit that possessive tendency in yourself

most importantly discuss with your partner. Explain its natural to be more fearful of his mums care of baby than your mum, and vice versa. That it’ll be a gradual process to get to point where you all are comfortable and uncritical of each other. Get both of you accepting that and working on it together.

Yabvu. I am a paternal granny and very close to both my granddaughters. I do some childcare when required ( I'm retired) I never knew my paternal grandparents as they died long before I was born, so I missed out on half a family. I used to envy my schoolfriends who had 2 nans and 2 grandads.
Don't do it to your child

I understand the bit where you would be annoyed about her making alternative suggestions or insisting on holding the baby before your mum.

However, the other part sounds rather spiteful. Unless she has done something awful to you in the past or is unsafe in some way to be around children for longer periods of time, I think it’s awful to encourage your baby to be with your mum and exclude your mil!

I am lucky enough to have a DS and a DD. It makes me so sad to think that if DS had a child with someone who has the same thoughts as you, I’d be relegated to being the “other” grandma for the big crime of being the paternal grandma rather than the maternal one.

Also, I find it odd that you are so willing to totally cut out an option for babysitting. I don’t have any options for my mum or mil to have our DS overnight so me and husband have never had a night away or anything since we became parents and are unlikely to until they are old enough for sleepovers etc. If I had people willing to do this, even if I thought my child was too young in the immediate term, I wouldn’t put down the suggestion as decent babysitting/ childcare can be very hard to come by and you don’t know what your circumstances will be in the future.

Your mil sounds a bit over excited or overbearing and that's hard.

Imagine when your son grows up and wants a child of his own. How would you feel then if you did not have a close relationship with your own grandchildren? Or if his partner's mother was given preference? I know it's a long way off but as others have said the child has two parents.

A few poster saying this isn’t normal and seek medical help. Don’t agree. It is a fairly natural protective urge. She knows her mum implicitly and trusts her. Doesn’t yet have that knowledge of MIL. She will be naturally more fearful of baby with MIL than mum. But that trust in MIL will come over time if she allows it.

The very fact she’s posted, and asks for help here, says she is very aware that her instincts are not helpful and potentially damaging to her relationship with partner and ILs. That’s half the battle - recognising she needs to let go of her instincts and fear.

This !

I think maybe it's your hormones? When I first got pregnant I felt weird about it but then realised my partner feels the same way about his mum as I do about mine. No one will be having the baby over night whilst he's small and I wouldn't allow my mum to and not my partners mum, that's unfair on MIL. It's both of their grandchild, no one deserves to not have a relationship with their grandparents.

I want my little boy to be loved by everyone and remember their childhood and grandparents xx

Your baby is only a month old, you will still be very hormonal. I remember this feeling really well – it's normal to be very protective of your baby.

I let family members hold my baby when they visited but really just for quick cuddles. I just wanted him on me all the time and I think that's normal for those early days. If your baby is sleeping or you're trying to feed them or they're just very settled on you, it's okay to say no, but otherwise I don't think your MIL is out of line for wanting a cuddle when she visits.

I think you're making the stuff about your mum vs MIL, first cuddle etc. into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Your baby doesn't know who gave them the first cuddle, so why does it matter? Think about how lovely it will be for your child to have an amazing relationship with both grandmothers. No one needs to keep score.

My son is now 16 months and I haven't been apart from him for a single night yet. You don't need to leave your baby with anyone until you're ready. And grandparents (on either side) are not entitled to alone time or overnights with baby. It's about what you feel comfortable with and when.

New mum: 'I have this postnatal instinct that feels a bit unfair, and want to be reasonable. What should I do?'

MN: YABVVVVU

Special props to the pp who managed an incredibly patronising 'I don't know if you are aware this is also your partner's baby?'

Where do they think the OP would say she got it? Homebase?

You will be the Mil one day OP, do as you would be done by.

Oh and your Dh will be very unhappy if you tell him your plans to try and make baby closer to your mum than his. It won’t do your marriage much good I suspect.

And just to add, I felt much more comfortable leaving my baby with my own mum for a few hours here and there rather than MIL. I have a great relationship with my MIL, but it's just different with your own mum. Again, I think that's pretty normal. As long as your MIL doesn't put pressure on you, this shouldn't be an issue. I just didn't take MIL up on her offers to babysit until baby was older and I felt more comfortable.

That said, if you're avoiding having your MIL babysit because you want your mum to have a better relationship with your baby, that's not a great attitude to have and it could cause problems and tensions of your own making.

You don't own your baby. He is a whole new person in his own right.

He has a father, grandparents; lifelong blood and emotional ties to a whole load of people as well as you. Family who adore and cherish him. That's his great start in life; his rich inheritance. Foster it; allow it, encourage it. Do you want him to grow into a man who is generous, kind, loving, patient, tolerant?

Then show him how; you're his role model on how to love.

Your job is to help him find his place in the world and society, starting with the family who feel bonded to him by blood; who adore him and offer unconditional love, support, care, fun.

More MIL hating on MN.
You do know, OP, that YOU will be the MIL one day, don't you?

I felt this way and I'm sure I had PND. I didn't get help and I wish I had.
Saying that though, my mil did the same with messaging constantly asking for photos (we had sent some - the same amount to everyone else we were sending them to) and she kept asking like every hour or so and finally I just replied "no". Then came the messages to my husband asking if she had done something wrong. Like fuck sake the last thing we need right now is you making a fuss mil. Our son was very jaundiced, wasn't feeding, I was struggling and she was doing this. It really made me hate her for a while.
But my son is 3 now and he loves her and she is very good with him.
Don't burn bridges because at the moment you have lots of hormones going all over the place, a huge life adjustment and learning etc. You will need her at some point and it is good for your children to have strong bonds with both sets of grandparents.

I definitely wouldn't be allowing an overnight with such a young baby though I didn't even do that with my own parents.

Yes I agree with this.
It is different because your mum is your blood and who raised you. You and MIL are strangers really and only thrown together because of your DH.
However that doesn't mean she shouldn't get just as much of a relationship with your son as your mum. But initially I think you'll need your mum more for YOU.

Congratulations on your little bundle, op. X

I felt exactly the same. My MIL is similar: she doesn’t have bad intentions, but she just likes to be in control and I had SUCH a drive to protect my firstborn from that. It was definitely partly driven by hormones, but even now, I have a younger baby and the eldest is 3.5, and I do keep an eye when we’re all together, to make sure she’s not being too controlling. With my husband, she’d nitpick him until he had no self confidence left at all, so I don’t want the same to happen to my kids. So, I just wanted to say that I understand, and think you’re getting a little bit of a hard time here.

There is nothing wrong with making suggestions or comments, you're a new Mum and she probably thinks she is helping.

This is a tricky one. As a fairly new mum, with friends who are also fairly new mums, we've had a lot of discussions about unsolicited advice - whilst none of us profess to be experts in child-rearing, having a friend or family member constantly telling you how you should be doing things can feel suffocating and/or patronising. Especially if the advice is out of date, which has been my own experience e.g. recommending to lay the baby on their front to sleep.

There's some horrible people on here. New mum, feeling protective of her baby when her controlling MIL is around. Shouldn't matter if she excited, this time isn't about her, it's about a mum and her new baby. The OP obviously has a lovely relationship with her mum so obviously she'd favour her, she's HER mum. Maybe she sees her mum as an extension of her? Ignore the delights on here OP, you do what you feel comfortable with, at your pace. Don't ever be pushed into something you aren't comfortable with. Ever.

Congratulations OP it's early days so it may cloud your judgement but YABU.
The baby is as much yours and it is your husbands.
My MIl held my baby before my mam as she got to the hospital first! Doesn't make one bit of difference. My daughter has a lovely relationship with my parents and my parents in law and I love it! She just waltzes into their house like it's her 2nd home.

My grandma on my dads side treats me and my sibling differently to my cousins and I really don't like and it upsets me a lot and I never wanted that for my child

OP disappeared then.

Yor poor MIL ....you are already treating her like a second class citizen....shame on you

When your PFB is keeping you up for nights on end and running round as a toddler causing carnage you'll be grateful for people wanting to take him for a break. You're in the newborn lovey dovey stage. Don't push people away coz trust me this stage it doesn't last and you'll want all the help you can get in a few years

It’s totally normal not wanting to be away from your baby, but it’s a bit nasty only letting one grandparent have access and not the other, she sounds a very loving woman who can be a bit overwhelming at times, In years to come she will be a blessing willing to babysit and look after her grandchildren, don’t burn any bridges this early on.