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Original poster

My MIL’s presence around my baby is really annoying me!!

63 replies

Mayflower193 · 01/01/2023 12:12

I have a 1 month old and since being pregnant I’ve felt anxious about how my MIL would behave once the baby arrived. She’s quite controlling in a non-malicious way, it’s just more that she always has a different ‘suggestion’ on how to do things in general and I always feel like I have to back down because she doesn’t let it go otherwise.

Even when I went into labour she was constantly texting asking for updates and then when she came to visit in hospital with my Mum she insisted on having the first cuddle which I now feel immensely guilty about because I wanted my own mum to have the first hold.

She always insists on holding my son whenever she visits like it’s a god given right and this really annoys me! I know she is his grandma but he’s mine, not hers!

My husband keeps mentioning about her babysitting when we have plans in the next few months and even suggested she have him overnight on a couple of occasions but I really don’t want this. I’m 100% fine with my mum having him anytime whether that be a few hours or overnight so how do I tell my husband I don’t want his Mum to have him overnight??

I feel awful saying this but I just have this constant feeling of wanting to make sure my baby has a better relationship with mum than my MIL ☹️ is this normal??

OP posts:
WinnieFosterReads · 01/01/2023 12:19

Congratulations!
But it's not just 'your' baby. Presumably it's your partner's baby too.
You're caught in some odd competition instead of enjoying your child. You need to come to peace with the fact your baby has two grans. That doesn't mean you need to let your baby stay with anyone but you do need to think about how your attitude to MIL is going to impact your relationship with your DH.
Neither of our DMs watched our DC or had them overnight. You need to decide what works for your family ... but that also includes your DP.

Raindancer411 · 01/01/2023 12:19

Sadly making a child like one grand parent over another doesn't work that way. A child will like one more than another through their own choice.

That aside, I would just make sure you find a first for your mum, to make it feel more even in your mind. Maybe she is the one to have the baby day/over night than your other halves? Or maybe a little trip somewhere for their first?

I think best thing for you would be to ask for time to yourself if she gets too meddling, so you need time as just the family unit?

Calphurnia88 · 01/01/2023 12:20

It's totally normal to feel protective of your baby and want to keep them close to you, especially when they are this young, but it's grossly unfair to say that you want your mum to have a better relationship with her GC than your MIL.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Behaviour & development Families
RedHelenB · 01/01/2023 12:21

Naturally you want to favour your mum but your MIL wants to live and cherish her grandson too. Yabu not to let her, the more love a child receives the better.

Sirzy · 01/01/2023 12:22

It’s not a competition. Your mum isn’t a superior grandparent just because she is your Mum.

when your son is grown up and has children would you be happy being pushed out because his partners mum is more important?

congratulations on the baby and enjoy the fact he is surrounded by so much love

Inkpotlover · 01/01/2023 12:23

I felt a bit like this too, until I realised it wasn't about wanting DC to have a better relationship with my mum, it was just that I trusted her more because I'd known her my whole life and, unlike my MIL, she respected my boundaries. If your MIL's comments are annoying, shut them down with a 'thanks for the advice, but we're going to do it this way'.

KylieKangaroo · 01/01/2023 12:24

It's probably just hormones. My MIL is definitely my kids favourite as my Mum has been ill since I've had my first, I think it's just nice to have lots of people that love them so much so I try and think of it that way rather than a competition type thing.

I think you're little one is so young you're probably just feeling things more intensely than you normally would.. I'm sure your baby will love both your mum and mother in law, as it's natural to do so.

Ivyonafence · 01/01/2023 12:24

I think if you start setting some fair boundaries you'll feel more I control and less anxious.

She shouldnt feel entitled to the baby whenever she visits. If the baby is sleeping or you want him back or whatever, just say firmly 'back to mum now' or 'it's Nap time, I'll take it from here, thank you Hilda'.

You're the mum, she doesn't get to insist or demand.

I think leaving a tiny baby for sleepovers is a bizarre Mumsnet phenomenon that I've never come across in real life. If you're not comfortable just say so, your baby isn't a toy to be shared.

ouch321 · 01/01/2023 12:26

"He's mine"
You make your child sound like a possession.
Stop using said child as some kind of weapon of dominance in your DIL vs MIL battle.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/01/2023 12:29

You're being very unfair to your MIL. There is nothing wrong with making suggestions or comments, you're a new Mum and she probably thinks she is helping.

As for your attitude towards her looking after your son, compared to your Mum.....well....unless she is a raging alcoholic or dangerous in some other way, you are frankly being nasty and rather spiteful. She's 100% his Nan just as much as your Mum is 100% his Nan. Stop trying to make her second best.

tiredpuppymum · 01/01/2023 12:29

Maybe speak to someone about this. It isn't very healthy.

The baby is your partners baby just as much as yours, your wants don't trump his.

WhineWhineWINE · 01/01/2023 12:30

How does your DH feel about it? Because it's his baby just as much as yours and she is his mum. You might be glad of having two doting grandmas on side in the future.

katenutzs · 01/01/2023 12:31

Just a thought but in 18-20 years your babies partner will be writing this about you :)

Gwdihooooo · 01/01/2023 12:34

My dc are 13 and 9 and are much closer and prefer my dm to my mil despite my mil taking more of an active role in their lives. It’s personalities and interests that make the difference, not how much time they allege with them.

ancientgran · 01/01/2023 12:35

Bit late for advice but might help someone else, when my mum and MIL were after the first hold when I was in hospital I said the hospital didn't allow it because of infection control. They could have a hold when we were home and they accepted that and fortunately visited separately so there wasn't a stand off at home.

With my first GC the other gran was very competitive and I definitely felt like being the mother of the baby's father made me 2nd in line. He lives with me now, much closer to me so in the long run it didn't damage our relationship however much his mum and her mum tried to distance me.

Beachbabe1 · 01/01/2023 12:37

This is really sad!! Your MIL is excited too! Some people dont have the Joys of one doting grandparent let alone two!! YABVU

Justcallmebebes · 01/01/2023 12:38

If you have a son, be very careful karma doesn't bite you cos she's a bitch like that!

TheMagicSword · 01/01/2023 12:39

I get that when you’re in the fog of protective hormones you trust those closest to you. But you don’t sound reasonable here. Apart from being a little pushy, you’ve not actually said you have any concerns about your MIL. Your MIL is equally your baby’s grandparent, just as your husband is equally his parent. It’s not fair to say that you want your mum to have a better relationship - that’ll depend on how both grandmothers treat you and the child, and your child’s personality.

It may sound a bit bonkers to say when your baby is so young, but think about the example you want to set. Do you want your son to grow up thinking that only the mum’s mum is allowed a close relationship with grandparents? Because what about when it’s your son’s baby?

brusselspout · 01/01/2023 12:40

This is very sad.
You can't force your baby to have a better relationship with one grandparent, it doesn't work like that?!
Do you feel perhaps your MOL is making more of an effort than your own mum? Is that what this is about?
YABU
And remember, you're going to be the MIL grandma one day if your son has a baby.

beachcitygirl · 01/01/2023 12:43

@Mayflower193 Op do you love & admire your partner?
Do you think he's a good and decent man?

amylou8 · 01/01/2023 12:45

If you're happy to leave baby with your mum, then unless she's not safe to care for him for some reason then it would be unfair not to treat your MIL the same. I'd encourage a good relationship with both grandparents if they want to be hands on, you'll appreciate it in years to come!

Mammamia23 · 01/01/2023 12:50

@Mayflower193 this is not normal. What has your GP and HV advised about your post natal anxiety? Not sure if you are aware, but this isn’t just your baby. It’s your partner’s baby too, and they have every right to share their baby with their mother too.

Unless of course you have already agreed with your partner that when your son grows up and has his own family you have nothing to do with him, and therefore believe this should be how mothers of sons/grandson’s are with you, then perhaps explain this to your MIL.

you’re being extremely unreasonable to want your son to favour one grandparent over another. I am assuming this is your first baby and you don’t realise that isn’t how children work.

hopefully you aren’t far away from getting the help you need

Sparklfairy · 01/01/2023 12:50

I feel awful saying this but I just have this constant feeling of wanting to make sure my baby has a better relationship with mum than my MIL ☹️ is this normal??

This is so mean. Your poor MIL.

Coyoacan · 01/01/2023 12:50

I do fear this will come back bite you when you become a grandmother. Personally I was just delighted that my baby had so many who loved her

serenghetti2011 · 01/01/2023 12:51

He’s your baby yes but he’s not yours alone he is your partners son too and that’s his mother. Post giving birth I was a bit irrational and didn’t like anyone holding my baby - ended up I had pnd and needed some extra support to manage my feelings and recover which I did and I can look back and think how ridiculous I was.

I’m not saying this is you just step back and allow your child to have a family who love and care for him and not a possession for you to withhold from whom you see fit. I can imagine your partner would be upset knowing you feel this way about his mum. Unless she’s a really awful person I’m sure she’s just an excited grandmother who wants to cuddle her grandchild.