I can’t stand my MIL now baby is here - rant!

[GeorginaE89]

Hi everyone, I think I need a bit of outsider advice!

i had my beautiful baby boy on November 8th so he’s already almost 8 weeks old. I thought by now the shine/ novelty what ever you’d call it, would have worn off for his grandma on his dads side by now but it hasn’t and it’s making me resent her (and my partner) massively! Now I know I sound Stupid, he has a loving grandma who loves him beyond reason and wants to spend time with him, but the problem is she is over bearing in my eyes.

it started before he was born, she said She was going to book a week off the week of his birth, I asked her not too as we’re first time parents and want to get to know each other and learn the ropes together as a family of 3. She took offence and booked it anyway. She was waiting at my house for him to come home after my c section too.

since then she has been round multiple times every week sometimes for upto 9 hours each visit! The average is 4 hours. During these visits she will not let me or my partner tend to our own baby, she holds him the entire time, insists on feeding and changing his bum and we don’t get a look in until she’s gone.

now to today, two days after Christmas I get sick, still sick now. Think I have that stinkig cold everyone has,said grandma also got sick the same day which leads me to believe we have the same thing as we spent hours together on Christmas. She calls my partner yesterday and asks to mind the baby on NYE for a few hours. I say to him say no she isn’t well. He says no, she says why? I’m not sick anymore I’m back at work. How you recover from not being able to leave your house to not sick in less than 48h is beyond me, ANYWAY. My partner then says you’re welcome to come round nye day, I got very pissed off because in my eyes she’s still stuck but he’s taking her at his word. From what I’ve gathered he’s too scared to hurt her feelings again.

now I’ve been in a foul mood, absolutely dreading this visit tomorrow even if it is just an hour because I’ve made myself really dislike the woman and I can NOT for the life of me shake it off! Im taking it out on my partner by being snappy and I genuinely can’t stop! I can’t talk to him anymore about it because he gets defensive which I understand, it’s his mum. But I feel like what she wants is more important than what I want so I’m having to just put up and shut up and get on with it. Has anyone got any advice on how I can get over this MIL hatred? She really isn’t a bad person, I’m just antisocial, I’m sick and I’m fed up of hosting her all the time. She never saw us before baby was born and now she’s here all the time!

help! Sorry for the long story I’ve kept it as short as possible

You know, this is a lot more common that people probably realise. There is a massive change in dynamics after the birth of a baby. You aren't being unreasonable by the way.
She does sound pushy and overbearing. It's almost as though she feels she has rights to this baby. She clearly is besotted but you are the mother and that is that.
You are within your rights to spend the first few months getting the hang of things and she should be there to support you but not take over and muscle in.
I think if you were not allowing her to see the baby at all, it would be different but 9 hours at a time and average 4 hour visits is too much!
My mum can be like this with my kids. But she's my mum so I have the confidence to put her straight and she does have to listen.
Don't be afraid to set your boundaries. You can be calm and kind and if she gets irate then let her.
Try to have a proper chat with your DH. He's probably not sure how to deal with the situation but he needs reminding he is living with you, not mummy and this baby is the both of yours.

9 hour visit is insane. Your DH needs to learn how to tell his mum it is time for her to go home.

The day she comes over go out with the baby. Leave your husband in a position where he has to explain to her. If he doesn't then on your return tell her you wanted to leave her and HER son with some time together whilst you bonded with your son.

It sounds like you need to start taking control a bit more (when you’re feeling better.)
When she turns up just make it clear that you have other plans etc. Even if it’s just “Nice to see you, MIL, let’s have a cuppa as I’m going out in an hours time, so…” Don’t give her a reason to stay for 9 hours!
When she dominates holding/changing the baby, just a simple “I think I’ll change them thank you” will suffice.
This is your child - she’s had hers! Whilst you’re not trying to deny her anything if you let this continue it will be awful in future!
Good luck op

Thank you so much for replying, and not thinking I’m being fully unreasonable. My partner is a great dad to our son. He never had a dad himself so it’s lovely to see them bond. His mum is single and has been for 20 years so my son is now her reason for being. She’s spoken about getting a new bigger car to accommodate him, she’s got a new job to see him more, she has bouncers and walkers and baby clothes at her house for him and he’s never stayed! My parents have took a bit of a step back through the entire thing so she doesn’t feel like she’s competing with my family, but it hasn’t made a jot of difference. I’m just at my wits end. I think in the new year, I’m going to talk to her about boundaries & visiting lengths because it truely is getting to me. I’m a 33 year old woman who’s had her first baby after a miscarriage last year, I want to enjoy my little miracle. Not be constantly stressed about her coming over :)

I do need to take more control but I explained to DH before baby was born I have really bad issues with telling people to leave my house once they’re here thats why I prefer to go to them so I can leave when I’m ready. He said at the time he will say it’s time for you to to now, but it’s never materialised. I think because she gets so easily offended (and is quite mouthy… she’s never ever wrong about anything) he’s finding it hard too. NY resolution, grow some balls perhaps (me I mean ha)

Please stop blaming yourself op. If anything you've been too tolerant. She is massively overstepping all boundaries. Your dh needs to say no

Those are crazy visits, both in frequency and length. I think you're going to have to take charge. This is your baby. You don't want MIL to change his nappy? "Thanks MIL but I've got this." "No, I'd like to do it myself." Don't accept arguments or negotiations. Just tell it how it is. Sounds like some tough messaging is needed here.

Yanbu at all op, that is ridiculously over the top. Your DH needs to nip this in the bud asap. She is acting like the baby is hers and it is totally unacceptable. It's great she loves him so much but she is not his parent.
If I was you I would be going to see my parents tomorrow and telling your DH to deal with it.
Also you need to reign in expectations around her having the baby on her own as it may be months ( or even years) before you want that.

I can’t help it I feel like I’m the problem! Or that I’m causing problems where there aren’t any. At this point because I’m such a sh*t bag and scared of causing rifts in the new family dynamic I’m just hoping the shine wears off of the new baby and she just takes a step back a bit. We almost had her staying here Christmas Eve becuse she was on her own! I again, can’t say no! She came to change her mind herself EVENTUALLY but that was a stressful few weeks ha

Oh bless you, I understand your feelings in all this. I had a feeling that she may have a sense of purpose through your son now. This is what my mum says about my kids- they are her life, her second chance etc. It can be overbearing but that's why it's best to establish things from the start.
I think she's obviously emotionally so invested in this baby, she's not thinking rationally or from your point of view. It doesn't seem to have occurred to her that she is overstepping or being intrusive.
Your DH sounds like a lovely person and the dynamics between him and his mum are probably (if I'm assuming correctly) closer than most. Is your DH her only son?
I woukd think DH has assumed several roles to her and he's probably worried to upet her and this is the first time you are all in this position.

I would like to just say- it's always very stressful as a first time mum. Its takes time to feel like you've relaxed into mum role and anyone who is there in your way or taking over can easily make you feel vulnerable and pushed out. It's likely MIL doesn't realise she is doing this and it's all from her unconscious need to love her grandson and feel his love in return.

But no one can ever take your role as mum away. Just remind yourself that. And you can have an honest chat with DH and hopefully MIL.

There are also times where it might be quite nice to have some rest so you can sleep. I did and still do find my mum helpful and now that my kids are older, I love dropping them off to her so I can have a bit of me time.

I think you are just really struggling to adjust. Be kind to yourself and validate your feelings. If you put boundaries in place and do them with respect and kindness, you can rest assured you are doing the right thing.

OP, you are not in the wrong here. You are going to have to learn to say no and accept that people won't like all your decisions. Find your mama bear. Your son is going to need you to be strong and advocate for him in his life. Sometimes that's going to be tough and you'll have to stand firm. This is a good time to start. Your MIL is way over the top.

I’ve tried! Honestly she’s relentless with it. She mentioned weeks ago she’d like to mind baby on NYE for a few hours so me and DH could go out together and ‘relax’. I said no thank you were set on spending this NY together with baby at home. Every couple visits she mentions it, each time I’ve told her no. Then yesterday the same thing again only saying I know you’re both tired so I can mind him if you like. Again it was a no. I’ve said to her and explained as recent as Christmas Day I’m just not ready to leave him with someone yet; and when I do it’ll be my mum and dad first since she saw him first when he was born, saw him Christmas Eve, first thing Christmas morning until 5pm, my family is always coming second to spare her feelings. But not anymore I’ve had enough

OP I genuinely don’t know how you have not snapped under the pressure of this with a newborn!

You desperately need to put firm boundaries in place and have your DH on board with this. Ideally you can both sit down and talk to her.

I would be firm in just not putting up with this. If she shows up out with your new arrangement (what ever that is) I wouldn’t let her in. If your DH gives in and let’s her in I’d go out with the baby.

for the sake of your relationship with your baby and your sanity you need to implement big changes asap.

This will be my New Years resolution I think, learn to stand up for myself and my son! I’m too much of a pushover in day to day life. I’m work I’m the boss, I tell people what to do, I teach them, I tell them off, I lead by example but in normal life?! Such a chicken! Too scared to rock the boat and don’t want to upset DH by upsetting his mum! So I’d rather be upset myself. It’s a stupid mindset but I can’t get out of it!

@GeorginaE89 i totally get you!
It's a difficult one because you don't want to upset your partner.
If my partner didn't listen to my request to have some space from the MIL i would tell the MIL myself but with my partner present as i don't want my MIL telling my partner i said it in a horrible way.

Hope you get the space you need x

After reading this, she does sound like she's besotted and obsessed with her grandson to an unhealthy level. You almost feel like reminding her where her place is.
Talk to DH and get him to understand how much its affecting you. When he sees there could potentially be a lot of friction, he will probably have a quiet word with his mum to calm down a bit.
She does sound a bit lonely and like she needs more in her life to keep her busy as well. But that's not your responsibility.
You are definitely not in the wrong though ❤

Thank you! I need all the luck I can get. I just need to get through tomorrow and then I’ll make a plan of action haha

Good luck! 👍 xx

Good on you OP. You can do this. I had a similar MIL and a DH who was incapable of saying a word to her (still annoyed about that one, only because I'm not sure it's changed). I tried so hard to keep everyone happy and really wish someone had said to me that it was okay to just say no and, if they're upset or react badly, that's their problem, not because I'm doing something wrong. It's fine to have boundaries and tell MIL that you don't know when you will want a babysitter but you'll let her know when. You're the Mum, she's not.

I really feel for you OP! I would just add to the great advice here to remind your DH that by sparing his mother's feelings, he is hurting yours, stressing you out, and that isn't good for you or the baby. The baby needs to be around you, not your MIL. Your DH needs to stick up for you both.

This sounds incredibly frustrating and I'd be really angry in a situation like this.
It sounds like you feel really resentful which means you need to put in some form BOUNDARIES.

I know that isn't easy, especially if you don't want to 'rock the boat' but it is absolutely necessary. Believe me - she will only get worse!!!

You and your DP could do with being on the same page. Even if you're not, the boundaries are still important.

You could have a conversation with your DP that doesn't have any criticism about his mum, so things like:

"I really want to enjoy this time being a mum, and for us to be together as parents, but with your mum here as often as she is, I feel like I can't enjoy or relax in to it".

With his mum, it's ok to say no to her coming round. Your DP might not be happy but honestly, you'll be completely miserable otherwise.
Maybe at some point you to to her so you can leave when you want.

When she is at yours DO NOT let her hold the baby all the time. After a few minutes say "I'll have him back now MIL, thank you". As you're going to pick him up.

If she says "oh no he's fine here" or whatever. Just repeat "I'd like to hold him MIL so I'll take him from you now".

People taking over like this really winds me up. He isn't her child. He's YOURS.
I know it isn't easy but you need to learn to do this. It takes practice.

I know you probably don't have time. I have a new baby myself, but it's worth reading or listening to podcasts about boundaries. I've had to do it and it's been worth it.

You are this child's mother. She is taking over and this needs to stop.

The boundary examples I just gave are quite gentle I realise after reading them back. They can be more firm. They need to be more firm with someone who doesn't have any, which she clearly doesn't.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. She has had her child this is your precious time with yours.

Set boundaries for yourself you don’t want to regret not having this time with your DC.

You really need to get your DH on board

An out can be ok new year let’s try a sleeping routine then after MIL has been there for an hour say ok time for DC’s nap so we will see you next time grandma, DC say goodbye to grandma… rinse and repeat.

Dont get caught up if she gets sad or offended say no I appreciate so much your love and support but as a mother you can understand how I am placing my DC and my time with DC as my number one priority

I doubt he's sparing MIL's feelings. He's sparing his own feelings. It's uncomfortable to stand up to her so he's keeping out of it. So much easier for him. Let OP be the bad guy if someone has to be. At least then he stays comfortable