I can’t stand my MIL now baby is here - rant!

[GeorginaE89]

Hi everyone, I think I need a bit of outsider advice!

i had my beautiful baby boy on November 8th so he’s already almost 8 weeks old. I thought by now the shine/ novelty what ever you’d call it, would have worn off for his grandma on his dads side by now but it hasn’t and it’s making me resent her (and my partner) massively! Now I know I sound Stupid, he has a loving grandma who loves him beyond reason and wants to spend time with him, but the problem is she is over bearing in my eyes.

it started before he was born, she said She was going to book a week off the week of his birth, I asked her not too as we’re first time parents and want to get to know each other and learn the ropes together as a family of 3. She took offence and booked it anyway. She was waiting at my house for him to come home after my c section too.

since then she has been round multiple times every week sometimes for upto 9 hours each visit! The average is 4 hours. During these visits she will not let me or my partner tend to our own baby, she holds him the entire time, insists on feeding and changing his bum and we don’t get a look in until she’s gone.

now to today, two days after Christmas I get sick, still sick now. Think I have that stinkig cold everyone has,said grandma also got sick the same day which leads me to believe we have the same thing as we spent hours together on Christmas. She calls my partner yesterday and asks to mind the baby on NYE for a few hours. I say to him say no she isn’t well. He says no, she says why? I’m not sick anymore I’m back at work. How you recover from not being able to leave your house to not sick in less than 48h is beyond me, ANYWAY. My partner then says you’re welcome to come round nye day, I got very pissed off because in my eyes she’s still stuck but he’s taking her at his word. From what I’ve gathered he’s too scared to hurt her feelings again.

now I’ve been in a foul mood, absolutely dreading this visit tomorrow even if it is just an hour because I’ve made myself really dislike the woman and I can NOT for the life of me shake it off! Im taking it out on my partner by being snappy and I genuinely can’t stop! I can’t talk to him anymore about it because he gets defensive which I understand, it’s his mum. But I feel like what she wants is more important than what I want so I’m having to just put up and shut up and get on with it. Has anyone got any advice on how I can get over this MIL hatred? She really isn’t a bad person, I’m just antisocial, I’m sick and I’m fed up of hosting her all the time. She never saw us before baby was born and now she’s here all the time!

help! Sorry for the long story I’ve kept it as short as possible

Sorry I know I've already posted twice but I've read your post again and honestly, she's winding me up.

Unless you really want her to help by looking after your baby all day (which is doesn't sound like you do), please make sure you are tending to him when she's there.
If he needs feeding say "I will feed him now MIL". If she says she will, let her know "no MIL, I will feed him so I'll take him now " and then pick him up.

It is important that a newborn is being fed by only one or 2 people as they create a safe and secure bond. That's why babies stare into your eyes sometimes when they're being fed by you - they're creating a connection.

Do the same with nappy changes. Start these changes immediately. Honestly, once you put these boundaries in place, she won't come round as often. And you will feel stronger.

Once you start to see the benefits you will find it easier to put boundaries in.

Ah op I can't believe she was with you on Christmas Eve and all of Christmas Day. It's really sad that you and DH weren't able to just have a nice Christmas together with your little one.
Your husband need to step up. I'm actually quite annoyed on your behalf and think this is ruining what should be a lovely (if tiring) time for you. If you have said no politely re NYE multiple times then he should be saying 'Mum, we said no, we want to stay in on our own' and that should be the end of it. Instead he invites her over!!
You (and especially your DH) cannot let her come into your home and take over the care of your baby for hours on end. I would take him off her after a short period and go to the bedroom and sleep with him and feed him.
It's really shitty for you and you need to stick up for yourself.

You have a DH problem and the sooner you address it the better because this isn’t just going to go away; give her an inch and she will take a mile (as is clearly already the case). It’s his mother, HE needs to address this with her and advocate for you and your child. I would have hit the roof within the first week quite honestly. Good luck.

She sounds like my MIL with her 9 hour visits. My baby is one now and I manage to avoid her 99% of the time. I feel rude sometimes but I genuinely cannot cope with her.

Honestly OP it’s not you , it’s MIL.
The way to sort the hatred is for her not to behave this way. DH needs to have a word.

Don't 'get through tomorrow'.

START with tomorrow. Put some boundaries in place and do not allow her to overstep them.

She doesn't let you hold your baby the entire time she's there?! Fuck that.

Your child, your choice. Make it happen and don't give it to her.

OP I feel so annoyed for you! My MIL was a bit like this but maybe not quite to this extent. She actually took a lot of the enjoyment out of having a newborn baby sadly and caused me nothing but anxiety. Please don’t let her push your own mum out of the picture as it’s your own mum you really need with a young baby. My MIL thought she had precedence over everyone else because our first DC was a girl and she’d only had boys. Your husband needs to step up here and set her straight. It’s nice she wants to be hands on and helpful but this is just too much.

I think it is DHs place to manage his mother.. it is in his best interests to speak to her instead of you as she is more likely to listen to him, and if you speak up he will end up forever stuck the middle and will have to deal with her resentment towards you.

I’d have lost it at DH if I were you - this is something he needs to address with his mum.

How dare she wait for your to get home from hospital when you specifically told her you just wanted that time to bond as a trio.

How dare she not give your baby back when you ask, and hang around for 9 hours (I just walk over and physically take baby back when people do this). Did she even do anything helpful like clean up or prepare a meal?

How dare she think it’s ok for her to be sick around a newborn and pretend she isn’t.

How dare she try to get in on firsts and special occasions without invitation.

I’m sure she’ll be a loving grandmother and helpful babysitter (you will want this at some point) but it is not her place to try to take over and to butt in to everything when you’re trying to establish your new little family unit.

I’d be telling DH he needs to have a word otherwise we have problems. And if he doesn’t support you on this then you do have problems!

You have my sympathies OP - and I thought my in-laws were a bit much!

Totally agree with some of the previous posts this I think is really common .
There is a a change in dynamics after the birth of a baby and You aren't being unreasonable by wanting to spend time alone with your baby and bonding and getting used to the new changes.
She is being unreasonable by being so pushy and staying so long but I think you dh is too it’s his mother and he needs to place some boundaries the sooner the better.
say what you think is reasonable such as visiting twice a week for a set amount of time and be strict about it. I think your dh is afraid of upsetting his mother but he’s upsetting you instead! I think you need to be firm with him and then he needs to step up and tell his mother to back off a bit otherwise your resentment will grow and not just towards her but him too x

Congratulations! How lovely to have a new baby.

You're only a few months post one of the biggest physical and emotional experiences a woman can have. It's not surprising you're feeling like this.

It's a time for you and your partner to evolve together in this new version of your relationship as parents, for you to bond with your baby and for the baby to develop at an amazing rate.

All this takes time and privacy and quiet.

Unfortunately GMs especially those who aren't in a relationship can find it difficult to remember that! All the focus she has on her son has expanded to include yours. She may not see a difference between them.

This is about boundaries. And her bulldozing yours, your DH lacking the resilience to set and protect them, and you having to cope with everything as a result.

She sees you all as her children, and her as the responsible assertive adult.

Unfortunately your DH appears to be going along with that.

From your ages, she's likely to be younger than me, so this could go on for decades.

This is going to be hard, but if it isn't nipped, it's going to get worse.

I'm a big fan of writing it all out, getting it clear and straight in my own head, choosing the right words.

Start by sorting out what you need to say to him. He's a husband and father first. You and baby are vulnerable. Your needs, wishes and requirements come first. Her demands don't.

Time for him to do what's necessary. Unfortunately you're going to have to persuade and push or it's going to get worse.

All the very best, and congratulations again!

She sounds like a nightmare and just like my MIL. You have to learn to say no - you’re a mum now and your baby needs you, and at this age won’t be happy to be separated from you for hours while she holds him etc. And get your DH to talk to her about how much she just turns up.

Omg no. This is my literal nightmare. You’re hubby or you has to tell her absolutely no more long visits and if she drops by the door won’t be opened. From now on she only sees baby when you invite her for how long you invite her (eg 1-2 hours). And stick to it. If she doesn’t, then she gets a time out (no baby for 1month for example) This is definitely not normal. Good luck.

How did it all go @GeorginaE89 ?

I’m sorry to say it was another 4 hour visit (ish) she came at around 16:20 and left at around 20:40. It annoyed my DH too not just me, but we didn’t let her hold him for the first 30 mins or so before she asked too. Then I got him back after around 2 hours so small improvements have been made!

i have suggested to DH that to help solve our long visits issue we suggest going to her house so we can leave when we like, instead of having her come to us since neither of us want to be the bad guy ha!

me and DH had a long talk after before we saw the new year in as a family of three, which the ring doorbell captured perfectly

thank you for all your help to all of you! It’s gonna be a bit of a long road I think but we will get there (I hope!!)