When your child is really half arsing it but expecting praise, what do you do?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

My DS likes to have his work admired, and when he has actually completed a project or picture or Lego model or game to the best of his ability, I am full of admiration.

However he frequently half arses stuff - draws the beginning of a great picture, partly assembles a Lego model, designs 25% of a game, and brings it for praise. I know he is not going to finish these things, and if he wants to quit that is his choice, but I hate being expected to like stuff he really hasn't put any effort into.

I've done the old "Wow, what do you think of it?" shite, but truthfully even at 3 he would just sigh and roll his eyes at that.

Basically how honest should I be when I can see he isn't putting any effort in but still expecting praise?

Btw he is almost 8

I say "oh look, you've made a really good start. Do you want to carry on or leave it for now and come back to it?" At 8, I don't think it's unreasonable to say "I can see where you started to get bored/lose interest, maybe come back to it later so you can give it your best attention".

And then really praise a finished article - any finished article!

I'd be reluctant to be over the moon with praise about something that's half arsed and/or not finished, it's like you're rewarding 30% effort.

My DC are adults now but I would say ... "that's a great start - I would like to see it when it is finished!". If something wasn't that good (for their own personal aptitude), I used to say "I don't really understand it?" or even "I'm not really loving it at this stage - where are you going with it?". I was never one for false praise - but gave loads when I could in my defence!

Yes, something like ‘wow- that’s a great start. I like how you’ve done xyz. Are you going to finish it today or tomorrow?’

That's pretty much what I do, but since he doesn't go back to them or finish them I feel I am getting it wrong.

I would love to see him stay interested in something long enough to complete it and find that rewarding in itself. I don't even care if the completed item is any good!

I honestly can’t be arsed with stuff like this - it reminds me of my sil’s kids who are totally lovely but when they were little used to put on ‘shows.’ At first they’d actually think it through and work really hard doing little dressing up and practicing songs for the whole day before doing the ‘show.’ By the end it would literally be all the adults being forced to sit and watch something they’d cobbled together in 10 mins with them arguing in the middle of it etc, and sil would get annoyed if you said ‘come on DNs, this is daft.’ Like they wanted all the attention but no work. They were also ‘watch this’ kids. Just constant watch this watch this watch this… then they’d do some stupid little jump or a half cramped cartwheel which was like nothing.

If it was my kids showing me a half finished picture I’d just say ‘cool, looks like it will be interesting, show me when you’ve finished it too.’ Or more plainly ‘oh right, do you need my help with it? No, okay then.’

He has an external locus of control. Looking outside himself for praise/power/control. Your job is to internalise it for him. At his age it's really important. And that's why is half doing things. Because it's not for the project or for his internal sense of a job well done, it's to get the medal.

That's why "it's a good start" is a good response. Pointing out the good part is a great idea too. You can actually be honest. "You've put a lot of work into this bit, why is the rest not the same?" Or "show me when it's done". You can actually start at 8 to say why as well, "I feel like you like me to tell you it's good, what do you think is good?" You can also ask to have the project explained rather than offer praise, "let's have a look, OK talk me through it".

My favourite child psychologist tells a story about a boy who was older than yours and once said, "look at me". All he was doing, literally, was raising his arm from his side. His parents gave gushing praise. No one will enjoy employing that boy!

You're not doing anything wrong OP. I agree with not over-praising - I would equally be honest (but hopefully kind!) in my feedback to DC.

Something I'm learning though that what is important to you may not be important to him - in this case completing drawings / projects. That might be irritating to you, but more than likely, when something matters to him, he will complete it to the required standard.

I'm not having success getting him to actually progress stuff though. If I say "Good start" he will put it aside or drift off and leave it, then start something else next time, which will get to the same stage... He basically isn't willing to put real effort into things to the point where I can legitimately praise him.

It might be time to level with him a bit.

Well if it's stuff he does off his own back and using his own artistic stores then learning when he isn't enjoying something or getting anything out of it is a good life lesson. But if there was something my DC wanted that needed to be
purchased for a particular outcome I would say (before the purchase) that I was expecting them to see it through and give it a good shot. And I wouldn't purchase another one further down the line if they never tried. Obviously this was harder to do at Christmas when they believed in Santa!

Lego was a big thing in our house and was always adapted to personal choice (I stopped buying specific sets because they were a waste!)

I had so many conversations about Lego....

And my DC always wanted pictures taken of their creations. Maybe offer to take a picture when it's done? (It's easier for the breaking up afterwards too!)

I'm always supportive but in your situation I'm would be looking into why he isn't able to focus long enough to complete the activity.

Kanaloa
I'm stealing your phrase 'watch this' kids

But if it is just a drawing, Lego or game, what does it matter? It would be different if it was a school based project, exam etc.

In terms of praise, you can just be honest with him as you suggest, but you don't need to push him.

The other option is doing it with him.

Stuff like drawing is supposed to be fun. Why does he need to finish the drawings? He started, he was having fun, then he stopped having fun so he stopped drawing. I don't think there's any particular merit in completing a drawing just because you've started it. As for him fishing for praise, is it possible he's actually looking for plain old attention? How much of your undivided, completely focused attention does he get during the day when you aren't doing anything else? This isn't a criticism btw. My kids don't get enough from me. I know there's a massive difference in mine in terms of attention seeking behaviour when I've carved out special time - even 10 mins or so - to do something with them 1:1 like colouring or building Lego or even washing up together and having a chat.

😂 but they were! It wasn’t so much that they’d show you stuff, because all kids do that, but it’s like they weren’t saying ‘watch this’ because they had something they desperately wanted you to see. They would constantly call watch watch watch and then it’s like once you looked they just did anything they could think of because they didn’t actually have anything to show. They just wanted to be constantly in the attention.

I tell mine if they've not put their best effort in. I'm honest with them about what i can see.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to encourage him to finish the things though? He will either finish them because he enjoys the process or wishes to see the end result, or he won't. By trying to artificially manipulate this, you are factoring in your pride as a parent, and that shouldn't come into it. He obviously won't get the satisfaction, or your praise if it's only half done, just as in real life.
A neutral "that's coming on well" should be enough to show that you are encouraging. Don't make his achievements about your or anyone else's praise.

I agree with PP who have said what does it matter if he finishes it or not? That's important to you but not to him, clearly. You don't have to unduly praise it, he doesn't have to finish it. I think this might be a case of both of you letting it go a bit. He, at 8 is big enough to understand you can gush over every half arsed picture or bits of Lego stuck together, and you can also understand he doesn't have to turn every picture or Lego build into a masterpiece.

I think your son isn’t really interested in the drawing/ Lego building / whatever (hence half-arsing them). He’s doing them because he knows a good one will get him what he really wants - your validation.

My DD went through a similar phase around a similar age. I would consistently reply with “what do you think?”. When that wore thin I went straight to “why do you need my opinion? At your age you should know if something is good or not”, or words to the effect. There followed a year or so of thrashing around trying to find stuff she actually enjoyed, which I saw as totally age appropriate and a good process to go through. Now, she’s well settled and I have to sneak into her room while she’s at school to see her works of art!!

I think your son isn’t really interested in the drawing/ Lego building / whatever (hence half-arsing them). He’s doing them because he knows a good one will get him what he really wants - your validation.

This is an excellent point - could you also look for ways to give him praise for other things - behaviour/personality traits, or encourage him to find good things about himself or say what he likes about himself. I don't mean to make him over confident/arrogant, but to help him understand that you love and value him regardless of pictures/Lego etc.

I'm not having success getting him to actually progress stuff though.

I don’t think this is an issue at 8! Childhood (all of life, even?!) is a time to explore and experiment. Maybe he’s just not found his ‘thing’ yet, and maybe when he does he’ll find he has endless patience for whatever it is.

Maybe you could give him other/different activities to try out and see how he gets on with those. Tbh I think it’s our job as parents to present as many opportunities/experiences as we can reasonably provide, but it’s up to kids to find their own way.

Go by your feelings too - if you’re feeling reluctant to praise or can’t find much good to say about an end product, don’t put pressure on yourself manufacture responses/praise. You can help him recognise his own process e.g. ‘it seems like you enjoyed doing that!’ Or ‘did you find that a bit tedious to finish?’ Etc. That will help him connect to his internal process like PPs have suggested.

I would just say I can’t decide as not finished 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not really important he should finish any one of these projects, not am I asking him to do them, any more than a previous poster was begging her nephews and nieces to put on a show. He is choosing to start these things, not competing them, but wanting the "reward" of admiration as if he had actually completed it. I've picked up a few useful phrases, so thank you all.

He gets plenty of attention, and if he wanted my validation all he has to do is read something, which he never does. The drawing and Lego are things he enjoys, and maybe I need to just not bother if he never finishes anything. When I was that age I wanted to produce something good, and I found the completed product (a beautifully painted Miss Piggy plaster cast) or skill (walking on my hands) the most rewarding part. If I never got to that result I wouldn't have bothered.

I'm still not praising a half arsed effort though.

The drawing and Lego are things he enjoys, and maybe I need to just not bother if he never finishes anything.

I think this is the crux of it - you need to understand why you are worried that he is ‘half-arsing’ something when at 8 he prefers to start again on something different rather than keep going. My DC start drawings or projects all the time, and I don’t think it’s a huge reflection on them if they don’t finish. Artists do studies all the time, or refine only one sort of skill - for ages all my DC1 would draw would be eyes, for instance, not the rest of the face. Or DC2 drew exclusively in black and white because when colouring it went ‘wrong’ and they hated that. Then they progressed and got over it.

You can have a discussion along the lines of ‘Hmm, I notice you never really seem to want to keep going with the Lego/drawing/project you started - is there a reason you prefer to start again?’ And see what he says.

But at 8 it’s not really indicative of being a quitter or not being able to stick at things, imo. It’s not an intrinsic failing.

He gets plenty of attention, and if he wanted my validation all he has to do is read something, which he never does

So he can't get validation from his mother unless he shows interest in a specific pastime that you deem worthwhile? How much positive attention does he actually get OP that isn't linked to him doing something that you think is a worthy, as opposed to just time spent together or even positive attention during time spent doing something that he thinks is worthwhile (whether you agree or not)?

When I was that age I wanted to produce something good, and I found the completed product (a beautifully painted Miss Piggy plaster cast) or skill (walking on my hands) the most rewarding part. If I never got to that result I wouldn't have bothered.

He isn't you. There isn't one singular way to be a child and he deserves your validation and approval regardless.