When your child is really half arsing it but expecting praise, what do you do?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

My DS likes to have his work admired, and when he has actually completed a project or picture or Lego model or game to the best of his ability, I am full of admiration.

However he frequently half arses stuff - draws the beginning of a great picture, partly assembles a Lego model, designs 25% of a game, and brings it for praise. I know he is not going to finish these things, and if he wants to quit that is his choice, but I hate being expected to like stuff he really hasn't put any effort into.

I've done the old "Wow, what do you think of it?" shite, but truthfully even at 3 he would just sigh and roll his eyes at that.

Basically how honest should I be when I can see he isn't putting any effort in but still expecting praise?

This is quite sad:

if he wanted my validation all he has to do is read something, which he never does.

I have 3 DC. One reads regularly, the other 2 sporadically (screens & sport!). I'd like them to read more Ave encourage it - but not for my validation!

Your DS must have other traits & skills you can recognise that will allow him receive validation?

He shouldn't have to try to do things he doesn't really want to, to be validated by you.

When I was that age I wanted to produce something good, and I found the completed product (a beautifully painted Miss Piggy plaster cast) or skill (walking on my hands) the most rewarding part. If I never got to that result I wouldn't have bothered.

That's you. Not him. He doesn't have to be the same as you (and I get this is hard, I have challenges with my DC & working hard in school, or not)

I'm still not praising a half arsed effort though.

No one is suggesting you should?

There is no need to be sad EarringsandLipstick . I was clarifying that he is not desperately seeking my approval by drawing or building Lego.

No one is suggesting you should?

The entire point of this thread is that DS is frequently suggesting that I should praise his half arsed efforts, so I was wondering how other parents respond to that. Which they have told me, and it has been useful.

@TheYearOfSmallThing

If he wanted my validation all he has to do is read something, which he never does...

............

He's feeling some sort of disadvantage when it comes to reading. This is why he's trying to compensate with other stuff.

Either he feels he's not living up to your expectations or he's genuinely having difficulties reading with fluency.

He's trying to tell you something here and you're not hearing him.

What's up with his reading?
Why would reading elicit a positive comment from you?

Do you ever do stuff together? Just for fun or because you need a hand - something like baking or changing bedding or a project like cleaning out the car, followed by a high five or a hug or a mug of cocoa.

Do you ever sit down and watch something together, something he's interested in? Do you ever sit down and chat about what he's reading, what a particular book or character made him feel, how he felt about a movie, etc? Do you share your thoughts and feelings about music or movies, etc with him?

In other words, what does your usual interaction consist of? He's trying to connect with you here.

The entire point of this thread is that DS is frequently suggesting that I should praise his half arsed efforts

Why is a half-finished creation half-arsed?Genuinely, it would never occur to me to think that when my kids bring a work
in progress with a ‘Look what I’ve done’ that it was really just a half-arsed effort.

I was clarifying that he is not desperately seeking my approval by drawing or building Lego

Sorry, you misunderstood. The part I thought was sad was the line I quoted - that you are happy to give him validation if he reads (but he doesn't do so). Our DC should not have to get validation from us in prescribed ways decided by us (and before I sound preachy, I find this a challenge too)

The entire point of this thread is that DS is frequently suggesting that I should praise his half arsed efforts, so I was wondering how other parents respond to that. Which they have told me, and it has been useful.

Well, yes we did. But your line followed all our posts saying there was no need to praise him unnecessarily, just to be honest, and therefore sounded like you were disagreeing with advice we gave to praise him anyway (which nobody had said, hence my line 'no one is suggesting you should?')

🤷🏻‍♀️

Who cares if he finishes something that is essentially pointless anyway? He is 8, his free time is there to be spent as he wishes.

You are creating this need for validation, by being obsessed with finishing things, then being critical when he doesn't meet your standards.

I would be simply asking 'did you enjoy doing that?' as what else matters with leisure activities?

I always focussed on process not output, half an hour spent happily engaged is not a waste of time.

Identify things he genuinely likes doing therefore will be motivated to engage in, 'help' pick a really manageable task. As he's doing it pop in phrases like, 'I like how you coloured the wing, what's next..... I'm looking forward to seeing it finished, you must be excited to do the next bit, I'm impressed...'. In saying that its individuals too, 1 of mine is a bit lazy, bit of a chancer, another is total perfectionist, other control freak levels of completing things!!

Does he actually enjoy the things he’s creating? Or is he solely doing it for your approval? I would think if he was having fun doing it he would proceed with it, and if he isn’t seeing it through to the end then maybe he only enjoys it up until a point and that’s absolutely fine. He is a 7 year old child after all.. unless he lacks focus in every aspect of his life I’m not sure why this is a concern.

I agree with others that said if you don’t want to heap on the praise then maybe say something like “this is a great start, I’d love to see it when it’s finished” or work together on something, but I personally can’t understand your disappointment in your child for growing bored with leisure activities.

I used to be obsessed with drawing as a child - I would draw constantly, lost in my own little world, and I enjoyed it - but as I grew, the more and more praise I received for my finished pieces the more pressure I felt to keep up to a certain standard, and I stopped enjoying drawing and drew less and less frequently. Drawing, building and creating should be fun for a child and they shouldn’t have a quality standard to live up to.

It seems fairly clear that OP isn't one for self reflection so I think we're all wasting our time at this point.

Praise the effort not the result?

“wow, I can see you’ve had a great time making that”

”well done for having such a great idea!”

”I love how much you’ve focused on drawing that wall/face/tree”

some people are “ideas” people!

Sorry to crash the thread but thanks to the OP for starting it and thanks for all the replies, they are really helpful!