Leaving baby to cry? Please help

[Cruinglo]

Not intentionally. I’m on my own.

I will usually wait for them to drop off before I cook or clean or shower etc. But sometimes they will be lying in their cot awake looking about the place and I will go off and hoover or put a wash on and they will suddenly cry. Sometimes I literally can’t get there for 2 mins or 5 depending what I’m doing and he will either have fallen asleep by the time I get there or I will get there and soothe him.

I try to limit this obviously but it’s impossible for it to never happen. I am feeling horrendously guilty about it but I actually couldn’t even run him a bath for example without leaving him for 5 mins and at which point it’s possible he may cry. Other times if hoovering for instance I will switch it off again and he’s crying and I don’t know if that’s been 1 minute or 10.

is this ok? Am I damaging him? Worried.

How old is he?

@Batbatbatty 5.5 weeks but been like this since day one as I’ve always been on my own

First baby I take it? It’s inevitable with subsequent ones sometimes because you can’t be in 2 places at once. But I still wouldn’t actively try to do it. Get a baby monitor and take it with you when you go do tasks out of earshot. Audio only ones are dirt cheap and the monitors are small enough to fit in a pocket.

It’s fine OP. You can’t be perfect all the time and a short period of crying doesn’t harm them.

@FlounderingFruitcake where would I get one? Money is so tight at the moment and the ones I could see are over 100? Thanks for the advice

Many years ago we all left babies to cry and I don’t think they were damaged. DS cried so much that my mother’s neighbours used to go and see if she was alright. I put my first baby in a little rocker chair and carried her round the house with me but when it came to bed time we let her cry. The first night was 15 minutes, then 5, then no crying. It is impossible to hold a baby the whole time. Imagine if you had a toddler as well. You have to be able to go to the loo, answer the door or hoover. Your baby will not be damaged and will soon learn that you are always there even if they can’t actually see you.

Mine cost £25 from amazon.

He shouldn’t be being left on his own in a cot at all at this age. Can you get a sling and do what you need to whilst he’s with you?

I was on my own with mine for 95% of the time and didn’t routinely hoover or do housework at when they were that age.

@mdh2020 thanks. How old were they when you did the first 15 mins crying?

Please don't purposefully leave a newborn to cry as per PP.

It sounds fine, OP. Second babies in particular have to be left to cry sometimes as you have to triage needs. A sling might help you get stuff done though without having to put baby down. DD2 was a very clingy newborn and basically lived in the sling so I could do stuff with DD1 and get house stuff done.

@OverTheHillAndDownTotherSide why use a sling if he’s happy asleep in the cot? If I am cooking I will check every ten mins is that bad?

Audio monitors are very cheap. If you already have a phone and tablet or laptop you can probably set something up using those without having to buy any new tech.

I don’t think anyone can guarantee that leaving tiny babies to cry doesn’t cause any harm. Too
many variables. I’m not convinced it doesn’t have impact on mental health later in life myself.

In any case, nobody recommends leaving babies who are a few weeks old, surely?!

Babies should sleep in the same room as someone for the first six months and that includes naps for SIDs reasons. Now most people loosen the nap thing up before 6 months IME but at 5 weeks I wouldn't be leaving in another room to sleep routinely, no. My babies have both come in sling with me or I've moved Moses basket around downstairs to the room I'm in, etc.

Do you have any help from a health visitor?

It’s completely against SIDS guidance.

A monitor doesn’t replace being in a room with a human. Theory is that your breathing reminds them to breathe and there’s a link to CO2 levels in the room too, which a monitor can’t recreate either.

I wouldn’t have risked leaving mine alone to cook, personally. She was on me pretty much 24/7 for first 3 months. (Fourth trimester.)

@Cruinglo they're portable little things 🤗i just take mine with me into whichever room I'm doing whatever in. So if I'm cooking they're in the bouncer watching me, if I'm tidying a room then they're on the playmat.

For hoovering I'd just pop him in a sling and go slowly. Whilst I'm running his bath he is enjoying a bit of naked time on the bathmat!!

Sometimes he'll start whining or crying and I'll try to soothe him as soon as possible, but sometimes that's not immediately possible....so he cries for a minute or so.

It must be really hard OP. I will say, and I hope this doesn’t upset you - you shouldn’t leave small babies to cry for any length of time really. I have read that under 6 months it can interfere with the way their brains wire themselves (they are forming millions of neural pathways at this age) and they can have trouble with self regulating their emotions later on. I do know someone who I think that’s happened to. Have you tried a sling? Or is there any family or friends who could help you even for a few hours a week to hoover etc or hold him while you hoover? I used to get my mum found for a few hours once a week to hold him while he slept and then I ran around and cleaned the bathroom and hoovered. You can’t do much about a shower but I used to put mine in the bouncer (he wanted to be held ALL the time) and put it at the bathroom door so he could see me and that used to buy me about 20 mins to quickly get ready. Don’t worry too much about cleaning - you have to accept relaxing your housekeeping standards by a loooong way when they become a toddler!! Prioritise the rings you have to do - eating sleeping showering and just do 5 mins here or there of other stuff xx

Sorry at 5.5 weeks you really shouldn't leave them to cry especially in another room as pp said this is against safe sleeping guidance, a minute or so for go into to toilet etc is fine but things you want to do go bottom of the pile when you have a newborn. Ensuring your baby isn't crying alone in a room for 10 mins trumps the need to hoover your house!

The health visitor isn't going to come round so OP can take a shower are they?!

OP you sound like a very caring and loving mum, and parenting alone is very hard. Of course sometimes we can't time things perfectly, and you'll be in the shower when baby wakes from their nap, or be putting a wash on etc, and so they have to cry for a bit before you get there. You're not neglecting your baby or causing any damage.

Thanks for the responses. I guess because he’s not cried much at all (tempting fate here!) that it’s not come up that often and when it does it alarms me.

I haven’t always picked him up when crying either, when I know he’s sleepy I will stroke his head or face in the cot to soothe him, should I be picking him up?

he has never cried for longer then ten mins in one go. Maybe that’s concerning in itself? Or maybe I’ve caused that by being so rubbish not being there 100% immediately when he’s upset.

for what it’s worth when I’m not doing any of the above (ie 90% of the day) he’s right next to me in his cot or playmat.

At 5.5 weeks I wouldn't be leaving them to cry. Perhaps plan to do the jobs you need to do while they are awake and either set them up in a bouncer or carry them in a sling while you do them? Then you can put your feet up for a bit while they're sleeping?!

This is exactly what I do. I view his naptime as my chilling time and just lie next to him. When he's awake I can entertain him with the washing up or hanging washing out 🤣

@wibblewobbleball I didn't mean physical help, I meant advice about SIDs and sleeping to make sure OP knows about it ... 🙄

I think that poster was suggesting that OP talk to her HV about safe sleep guidelines, not that the HV comes round daily to babysit so she can shower!!

Still though, I personally wouldn’t be carting a baby around in a sling when they were happy to sleep in their cot, and would often pop to another room briefly and yes take a shower sometimes! You have to weigh up risk and do what works for you and your family (see also cosleeping) and it’s fine for them to wait a minute because all second babies have to and somehow seem to survive. But equally I wouldn’t purposefully ever leave them to cry or take myself out of earshot.

Also HVs can signpost OP to help for single parents. There are organisations who will have volunteers who can actually offer physical help and assistance. There's one near us.