It not really about the juice

[Thingsonmymind]

I can’t sleep as I’m overthinking, probably more annoyance at myself for caring about this which is keeping me up.

Had a lovely day with DH, DS and in laws today however, just had a disagreement with DH because he could tell something was up with me and nicely asked if I was okay. I said I wasn’t going to say because I felt I was being silly but he persisted and said he thought he knew what it was and he correctly guessed that I wasn’t entirely happy and it was because PIL had given DS fruit juice with dinner.

I know, what a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about, but it’s not really about the juice, it’s the fact that both DH and PIL know I just want DS to stick to water, breast milk or milk with food. Despite this, the other day MIL bought juice and asked DH if DS could have some and DH said yes.

Im actually laid back when it comes to DS (doesn’t sound that way I know), as long he comes home from seeing PIL in one piece, the jobs a goodun. The only thing I feel strongly about is sugary food/drinks. I am happy for DS to have the odd bit of cake/chocolate/biscuit now and again but in small amounts rather than a daily thing.

I’m also not daft, I know once DS gets older and starts going to parties etc he’ll be eating all sorts and drinking juice/pop with the other kids as it’s just what kids do. As long as it’s in moderation and he brushes his teeth properly I’m fine with it.

Each to their own, but I’m following start right/nhs best practice because DS doesn’t know any different at the moment and he doesn’t actually need juice and sugary food. He’s only 20 months old.

The background is that I noticed at dinner but didn’t say anything and carried on as normal but later MIL brought up in conversation with me that she gave DS juice with dinner but that it was only a little bit and was low sugar. Because it was mentioned to me I said really DS should just be having water as it’s not great for teeth. MIL said she wouldn’t give him something that would harm him and that he needed something else to have and DH chipped in that it was just a little bit so I said its not ideal and should just be now and again as a treat and MIL agreed. I thought I’d carried on as normal, joining in conversations and laughing but DH obviously knows me well and could tell something was up and asked about it when heading home. He said I might have come across as rude to his parents.

I realise I might be over the top with this and I know it’s not really going to harm DS but it is the principle of it. I just wish DH had said no when asked the other day. I know he isn’t as fussed as me but he knows it is something I care about so I just wish he had gone along with what he knows is my preference. It’s just one example of PIL gradually pushing for DS to try more treat foods and I don’t know why they can’t just wait a bit longer! Ffs!

It sounds like your DH made a decision, you weren't happy with it so you went round with a face on. And your DH called you out on it and now you're complaining?

I think you are being controlling and OTT. A tiny bit of low sugar juice when he normally only drinks breastmilk or water is really not going to harm him.

I bet you had nice drinks the whole day as well didn't you OP? It always amuses me to watch PFB parents condemn their poor kids to tap water and raw broccoli whilst they themselves are scarfing kitkats and white wine.

You are just trying to be a good mum, making the right choices. They are being arses for not respecting that.

I remember saying no to cheesecake for DS and MIL feeding it to him when I left the room. Extremely annoying but we (Me and DH) laughed about it and let it go. I think the difference is that we were on the same page and he agrees entirely that his mum is annoying. However, she is also a fabulous Nan and my DCs are very lucky to have her in thier lives.

So I am 100% with you. Don't be afraid to say "DS only has water and milk" and you were right (not rude) to say that's what you are doing and why. DH is the issue here, not the PILs. He should have your back on this.

I would be furious. I'm the same with DC, only water or milk. My mum pushes boundaries and always wants to do something new with DC, especially food related, and even she is strict on the water or milk rule. They can't miss what they don't know.

My FIL constantly says "can DC have this or that" (think high sugar treats which aren't necessary as DC gets suitable treats) and if told no, he goes in a strop.

Yes, your DH is also a parent who can make decisions, shock! But I think with parenting, most things should be a 2 yes, 1 no situation. I would ask my DH before giving DC their first chocolate/juice etc and he would ask me. If we don't both agree, it's a no until we're both happy. Your DH knew you were a no, so should have respected that.

If we don't both agree, it's a no until we're both happy. Your DH knew you were a no, so should have respected that.

I do think it’s more complex than that. You need to talk about things and agree about stuff. It can’t just be the most restrictive person always getting their way. It’s important to talk about what matters to you both and why and reach some sort of compromise (then both stick to that).

Not least because you can frame the question in different ways and it looks totally different. It doesn’t have to be ‘should my child have juice?’ It might be reframed as ‘should my child experience as many different flavours and textures as possible in drinks?’.

There isn’t a right answer to this stuff. Which is why it’s important to discuss it and listen to each other.

However, what very often happens in families is that men simply opt out of thinking about this stuff. They ‘go along’ with things because the child’s mother is doing all the work, including the thinking. And then they undermine things that she thought were important because they’ve been to lazy to participate in any of this stuff.

That’s why the ‘he’s an equal parent; he gets to decide too’ argument is often so problematic. It’s often made to tell the woman she’s in the wrong, rather than as an expectation that fathers should actually think about things like approaches to weaning/introducing foods and drinks and actively participate in the parenting process. It’s not OK to leave it all up to his partner and then paint her as controlling because you can’t just undermine her when it suits him.

No, I definitely agree with this, it opens the discussion. But I don't think one parent can just unilaterally go "I'm going to give my child ice cream today" without the discussion and agreement of both parents.

It's about being ignored tho, not about the juice.

I can’t get my head around all the responses as I can’t remember who has said what. Some of you have been great and really hit the nail on the head. It isn’t about juice. This is just an example. And I can’t possibly get over every single detail of yesterday so that you can see and understand fully what was said by who and how.

Some of you are turning it into a bigger drama than it was and some are just looking for an argument! @THisbackwithavengeance I’m looking at you with that one!

But hey it is mumsnet. It’s anonymous and some people will say things they definitely wouldn’t say to someone face to face in real life. At least you get brutal honesty!

So, DH and I didn’t argue about it, we had a disagreement and discussed it like adults.

Some pp’s hit the nail on the head and explained it better than I could, thank you for getting where I’m coming from. We do have an issue with PIL pushing boundaries, it’s gone on since DC was born and it’s well meant but I think I’m tired from it and yesterday was just the latest one.

Definitely DH will sometimes go along with PIL for an easier life. It definitely isn’t about only me getting to decide things. And it isn’t a case that DH is a useless parent and I have done all the thinking.

One pp asked why I am not consistent and allow DS to have cake but not juice. If I had my way I’d not give DS anything sugary other than fruit after food, but guess who has continually pushed and pushed for DS to have stuff? PIL but also other people out and about and so you end up relenting a little. But at least then it’s me and DH deciding. It’s about balance but the point is that it should be the parents who decide.

Without adding my whole life story but some context, PIL can and have been vocally defensive when we’ve responded to things.

But, guess who has tackled them when it has gone a bit batshit? DH

But within that context, guess who will sometimes go along with things with PIL (that aren’t major life decisions) for an easier life? Yep, DH! Usually we are on the same page.

It would have been easier if PIL had just given it if their own accord. I would have left them to it for a one off and mentioned it when they next had DS. But, it became a focus point because MIL brought it up with me. And then the DH told me that his mum had asked him prior when visiting and this is what has made it into a bigger issue for me. That DH has just gone along with it.

It’s that PIL have gone out their way to buy some juice to see if they can get me or DH to agree to DS having some and then DH has just agreed even though he know I feel strongly about it.

But this is the crux of everything, the ongoing problem I’m sick of. Instead of leaving it to me and DH to lead the way, they push it and we have to say yes or no.

I’ve come to realise that I need to stop giving a shit what my PIL think and just say things as they happen. But I didn’t want to make a big deal when we were doing something nice. And that’s what has bugged me most of all, me! That I didn’t say anything at the time and I should have as pp’s pointed out. It is only really a ‘drama’ because I’m building it up in my head.

PIL are loving grandparents, but they brought DH up 30 years ago and things have changed. I hand on heart know they would never intentionally harm DS or put him in danger. That said, I would definitely agree with some pp’s. PIL do push boundaries. They’re well meaning and loving and want to treat DS. But I’m just tired of it all and so yesterday I really felt pissed off.

It really isn’t about the juice. It is about me and DH trying to parent together and respecting each others wishes. We mostly do but definitely PIL interfere with things, it’s well intentioned but I think there is resentment there that has gradually built up and yeah maybe it’s making me a bit nuts

So DH = fine with juice and you = not fine.

The logical compromise here is juice sometimes e.g here and there with PILs.

It seems unfair on your dh to just impose a no juice rule and that be that, I'm sorry.

I have a 4 year old and to tell you the truth I don't really like him having juice either so I kind of get where you're coming from but I let him have it every so often out of respect for dh (my kids' dad). And out of respect for me he ensures it's not a daily thing and tries really hard to dial down stuff like that.

What are you going to do when your child is going on play dates and drinking juice / eating crap?

I think you should seriously consider leaving your husband. He is practically advocating feeding your precious child Wotsits and blue Smarties at every meal. The next thing you know, he'll be letting them watch ITV and looking at Ofsted reports for potential state schools.

I’ve said in my posts I know and accept he’s going to be eating and drinking sugary crap at some point, it’s about the fact that PIL know I didn’t want DS drinking juice and have disregarded it and done their own thing anyways and then on top DH for an easier life has just said yes.

I don’t understand the push from them for DS to have it and why they can’t just let me and DH lead it ourselves.

Anyways I’ve got it off my chest, glad to have amused some of you along the way!

This. You are saying you and DH are 'on the same page' but to be honest it doesn't sound like it, and he has the right to make decisions about his own child if the other 99.9% of the time you are specifying what DC does and doesn't do. Unilateral parenting might make things easier for you in the early days in terms of control but it is likely to have ramifications in your relationship. Nobody likes feeling as if they have no agency in parenting decisions and that their opinion doesn't matter.

Regarding the last part of this post, do you not think plenty of men opt out of parenting decisions because they are fed up of being railroaded and not having their opinions respected?

Your three year old drinks tea??

He does! You know, decaf, weak, milky tea as opposed to my builders. But yes tea nonetheless.

OP regardless of what anybody else thinks the only thing that matters here is the fact that somebody else tried giving your child something despite knowing you don’t want them to have it. That is so incredibly disrespectful. You are NOT being over the top or ridiculous so ignore the posters who are saying this

topics like this get peoples backs up and get them defensive because they feel personally attacked by your decision not to give juice

fwiw I 100% agree with you - my child only drinks water. Babies, toddlers and children (heck, even adults!!) do not need any of this crap at all let alone on a regular bases. How dare they give your child something without asking you first? whilst the bit of sugar ‘might not harm’ it certainly isn’t doing any good

and no you aren’t being silly for letting it get to you. It’s a violation of your parenting choices. I’d feel the same

I know this post is old now but I don’t think YABU at all. No need for a toddler to be drinking fruit juice its full of sugar and will rot their teeth! I drink squash as an adult and I believe this is because my mum never made me drink water and juices were always readily available in our house. Water is so much better for them!