It not really about the juice

[Thingsonmymind]

I can’t sleep as I’m overthinking, probably more annoyance at myself for caring about this which is keeping me up.

Had a lovely day with DH, DS and in laws today however, just had a disagreement with DH because he could tell something was up with me and nicely asked if I was okay. I said I wasn’t going to say because I felt I was being silly but he persisted and said he thought he knew what it was and he correctly guessed that I wasn’t entirely happy and it was because PIL had given DS fruit juice with dinner.

I know, what a ridiculous thing to be annoyed about, but it’s not really about the juice, it’s the fact that both DH and PIL know I just want DS to stick to water, breast milk or milk with food. Despite this, the other day MIL bought juice and asked DH if DS could have some and DH said yes.

Im actually laid back when it comes to DS (doesn’t sound that way I know), as long he comes home from seeing PIL in one piece, the jobs a goodun. The only thing I feel strongly about is sugary food/drinks. I am happy for DS to have the odd bit of cake/chocolate/biscuit now and again but in small amounts rather than a daily thing.

I’m also not daft, I know once DS gets older and starts going to parties etc he’ll be eating all sorts and drinking juice/pop with the other kids as it’s just what kids do. As long as it’s in moderation and he brushes his teeth properly I’m fine with it.

Each to their own, but I’m following start right/nhs best practice because DS doesn’t know any different at the moment and he doesn’t actually need juice and sugary food. He’s only 20 months old.

The background is that I noticed at dinner but didn’t say anything and carried on as normal but later MIL brought up in conversation with me that she gave DS juice with dinner but that it was only a little bit and was low sugar. Because it was mentioned to me I said really DS should just be having water as it’s not great for teeth. MIL said she wouldn’t give him something that would harm him and that he needed something else to have and DH chipped in that it was just a little bit so I said its not ideal and should just be now and again as a treat and MIL agreed. I thought I’d carried on as normal, joining in conversations and laughing but DH obviously knows me well and could tell something was up and asked about it when heading home. He said I might have come across as rude to his parents.

I realise I might be over the top with this and I know it’s not really going to harm DS but it is the principle of it. I just wish DH had said no when asked the other day. I know he isn’t as fussed as me but he knows it is something I care about so I just wish he had gone along with what he knows is my preference. It’s just one example of PIL gradually pushing for DS to try more treat foods and I don’t know why they can’t just wait a bit longer! Ffs!

I’m with you on this. I know I also sound ridiculous, I’m happy for my 18m old to have the occasional chip, ice cream, etc. but my mum offered lemonade as a drink at Christmas! I only give water with food (not even milk). I was ready to step in, but luckily it wasn’t mentioned again, but she did give them a sip of her tonic water and felt like I couldn’t say anything. After all it was only a sip and didn’t want to sound ridiculous! Just don’t want it to be a pattern.

Thank you! This is exactly how I feel. I don’t want it to be a pattern, but with DH saying yes I feel PIL have taken that as a green light.

I wanted to say I don’t want DS having any, please don’t give him any more till he’s older but I didn’t want to make it into a thing with enjoying the day. But because it got brought up I said something. But I hated when MIL said oh but he needs something else to drink. I’ve said to PIL and DH separately that DS is fine with water. It’s a load of shite that he ‘needs’ something else.

As I said I wasn’t going to say anything yesterday when I noticed. I was thinking about it after it was mentioned. I hope I wasn’t rude as they invited us over and it was a nice day but I probably seemed quieter to DH.

I wasn’t snappy when it was discussed. But I had been mulling it over and had decided I’d chat about it another day with DH with a view to bringing it up with PIL next time they have DS.

But when DH said he knew I what I was upset he mentioned that he’d been asked about the juice the other day when at theirs and said yes so then I realised he knew about it. He said it was only the second time DS had been given it. But I think this makes it harder because he has agreed to it.

DH as much as I love him doesn’t really know anything about recommendations. He didn’t go to any of the weaning classes, he doesn’t have a dentist (I’ve got ds in a wait list at mine and he gave lots of practical advice while we wait for a space) he doesn’t know what is best practice at all. I think I’ll have another chat with DH and then probably PIL. I feel I’m going to come across as ‘the fun spoiler’ but I do feel strongly about it

20 months? So nearly two?

Doesn't your DH, presumably the child's father, have the right to decide what he drinks? Or are you the sole parent?

Sorry, but I think you need to get a grip. Is this your first? Unsure if I have missed that.

It's only juice, sweetheart, there's no reason to be in such a strop about it. He had it with food, which is the best way for teeth health too.
Let it go.

Weaning classes? Classes?

For what it’s worth I do see where you’re coming from but you seem really fixated on it and mired down in it, in a way that’s coming across as though you have some sort of anxiety around it.

If I wasn’t trying to be kind, I would tell you to find a grip. Sorry OP.

You are not reasonable to prefer your child to only drink water, however you are unreasonable to have thrown a strip about it and carried the annoyance on all afternoon.

it’s a small bit of juice, it really doesn’t matter. If it did matter then you should have taken it off him, said no thanks, he only drinks water, and then moved on with your day.

YANBU. There's no need to give sugary drinks.

Why doesn't your husband go to the dentist though? His teeth probably need attention.

Totally this!

I am with you. My two children are teen and tween now. We managed to keep all other drinks from them up to school age and it has led them to very rarely choosing anything other than water. And no dental intervention needed.

I also did this on dentist advice and had a wonderful creche who supported healthy choices.

We also had the comments about pfb etc, by the same people who couldn't understand how their children needed fillings or extractions in primary school.

I think you were daft to let this affect you all afternoon. However, I’ve been the parent that everyone thought was uptight about stuff like this because I was assertive enough to say ‘please don’t give DD juice’. But it’s better to do that than sulk about it afterwards.

FWIW I completely agree with you. DD didn’t have anything to drink but milk or water until she was 3. By that age she had friends who ‘refused to drink water’ and I was glad I’d stuck to my guns on it even though people openly rolled their eyes at me.

Only time will tell and as she gets older things might change, but at the moment she’s 6 yo and self regulates on sweet stuff really well. She has a bag of chocolates/sweets in her reach in the kitchen and she’s allowed something whenever she fancies it and only goes to it a couple of times a week.

I had an incredibly sweet tooth as a child which had ramifications for my teeth and my weight and people can roll their eyes as much as they like but I’m pleased that I stuck to my guns on sweet stuff for DD while she was a toddler.

It does quite irritate me when this happens, people think oh let’s give them juice or chocolate etc, they’re missing out blah blah and the children just honestly don’t know any different. They don’t need it and they aren’t missing out.

Anyway I’m an everything in moderation sort of person with DS who is now 3. He has diluted squash with meals if he wants it but still drinks water and milk (and tea)

if it’s not about the juice, what exactly is it about?

My guess, from what you’ve said, is that you are feeling that you and your husband agree on parenting approaches but your PILs dong agree and push for things their way. However, the big issue is likely to be that, rather than sticking to what you both have agreed, your DH decides it’s easier to just go along with what his parents decide (and he’d rather, knowingly, upset you than his mother).

Is that about right?

Because that one is not about the juice really. The solution to that problem lies in speaking to your husband and making it clear that a fair weather husband who would rather upset you than other people is not one of the ingredients in a long term, successful marriage.

There is a great deal about juice in your posts though. So be open to hearing from your husband that he actually doesn’t care about the juice at all and was just going along with you (until that no longer seemed to be the path of least resistance).

I don't have exactly the same attitude as you in that I do occasionally buy DS2 a juice if we are out and about, but just water and milk at home. He has birthday cake, occasional biscuit, party food when hanging out with older kids etc. Meals and everything always homemade/low salt, sugar etc.

However, I get your frustration on two counts, which is how I would have explained it in this situation. 1) always annoys me with parenting (especially when DS was younger and like safe sleeping advice/weaning etc) that DH got to have an opinion when he had read nothing and knew nothing
2)Both my mum and MIL would always be really cautious about stuff like this and would ask. They would never question what we were feeding DS even if they thought it was PFB, they are too polite/considerate.

In the future, I would just be really clear at the time. As I understand it, you were there at dinner? You could have said he wasn't having it. And if you weren't there and it was MIL and DH, address it with your husband and get on the same page - and tell him to go to the dentist! I actually hadn't been to the dentist for years pre DS (I've never had a filling and literally no NHS dentist to be had round here so it feels like money for nothing), but I've forced myself to go now so I can take DS with me, and because it's the adult thing to do.

The thing is, it's not just about the juice is it. It's the knowingly pushing against your boundaries. If they are giving him fruit juice knowing it's against your wishes, what's next? My DM was also of the opinion that my eldest needed some juice to drink and not just water - I think it goes back to what was considered the norm when we were children. I think given how you feel about it you should speak to your husband and explain your feelings and then present a United front to PIL when you ask them not to give him juice again until you say it's ok.

Also, ignore what your husband said about being rude to his parents. As women we are conditioned to put up and shut up and anything else is rude. Its not rude to point out when people are ignoring your wishes.

It’s the fact that someone else made the decision that’s annoying you as really you know having a little bit of juice on this occasion isn’t going to do any harm.

I would have spoken up at the time, but since it’s happened I would wait until before the next time grandparents are there at a meal and say beforehand what they will/won’t be having.

If your DH said ok to the juice then as a (hopefully!) a trusted and loving parent, he is entitled to do so. Yes of course water or milk should be the default and you are correct that they don’t need it, but the odd drink of juice isn’t dangerous, isn’t harmful and really doesn’t matter. Let it go. It won’t be the last time you don’t necessarily see eye to eye.
Also, you say the occasional biscuit is ok. Now imagine if your mum gave DS one after asking you first, and then your DH was upset and off with you all afternoon as a result, and then saying he couldn’t sleep over it. I don’t expect you’d be very impressed.

I have a nearly 4 year old who has only ever had water and milk to drink (there are other issues at play) and I still think you’re being a bit OTT. If you don’t mind him having the occasional biscuit or bit of chocolate, why is the one off bit of juice any different? Just go back to water and milk now you’re home.

I’m with you too.

God knows my boundaries/ standards have dropped with food over the last few days, there’s been A LOT of chocolate, but one thing I’m holding firm on is only water and milk to drink. She’s nearly 2.5.

My in laws are determined to give her something else to drink (and I’m fairly convinced probably have done when they thought I wouldn’t know).

Its totally fine in my opinion to just say ‘no thank you, he only drinks water and milk’ and when they say he needs something else ‘no he really doesn’t, it’s nice of you to want to spoil him but he only drinks water and milk’. And repeat.

Bigger issue if your DH either doesn’t agree, or doesn’t care but finds it easier to give in to his parents and sod what you think. I suspect my DH is very much on the doesn’t care side, but is happy to go along with me and say ‘no thanks mum, we only give her water’.

Loads of people saying it’s not a big deal and it’s only a bit of juice and that’s true, it would be fine IF you were happy with it, but you’re not and I think that should be respected.

So just to clear up a couple of bits from pp’s. I didn’t throw a strop. It was mentioned to me very late on and I responded as I did and we were there about another hour, I might have seemed quieter if anything was noticed by PIL. But DH knowing me well could tell I had something on my mind.

When I say classes, I literally meant I went to an online thing about weaning, for 20 mins, once, because the HV mentioned it. But it had a lot of good info. I only mentioned to highlight that DH hasn’t a clue. And to the op who asked, he is terrible with his teeth. Doesn’t necessarily have a sweet tooth but hasn’t visited a dentist for years.

I didn’t put this in AIBU, it is fine if you disagree with me, but to the pp who referred to me as sweetheart, that does come over patronising. Not sure if it was meant that way or if you were being nice as it is harder to gauge when things are written down.

I realise it is not the end of the world hence why I didn’t go on about it to PIL or DH when it was brought up. But what I will say is I feel undermined. I feel like my views on this aren’t seen as important. That PIL’s need to give DS biscuits and juice trumps my preference for DS not to have it right now. It is a minor thing, but really it could have been about anything and I would feel the same.

The way it was brought up very much felt like MIL was wanting to justify and explain it, and that’s obviously come about because she knows I don’t like it.

And yes, DH is DS’s parent. He has a right to parent the way he wants. But I do think you should work as a team and if there is something one of you feels strongly about and it’s not something too outrageous then why not just support them?

Aware it sounds dramatic, there is a good reason why I’m posting to strangers anonymously. Means you can gauge from others how ridiculous you are without making it into a huge issue in real life. So thanks everyone for your input. It’s all useful, whether you agree with me or not.

If your DH said ok to the juice then as a (hopefully!) a trusted and loving parent, he is entitled to do so.

Even where both parents have agreed on a no juice policy? When he knows that his wife would say no because this matters to her?

Surely that’s the point where a trusted a loving partner would discuss it with his co-parent if he thought differently.

what about when it’s not juice, but something else where he cannot be trusted to stick to things they’ve agreed together. Something with wider implications where he just decides that his wife’s opinion (which he knows she feels strongly about) can simply be disregarded (rather than discussed if he feels differently)?

The feeling that you can’t trust your husband to parent in the way he’s told you he will, and the knowledge that he will undermine and overrule things even where he knows they matter to you (rather than discussing them with you like an actual partner) is likely to have a very detrimental effect on the relationship as a whole. The message that behaviour sends is ‘I don’t care about you. I’ll do what I like, even knowing it will upset you and after I’ve explicitly told you I’ll do the opposite.’

It might just be juice now, but this stuff often becomes a pattern of behaviour that erodes the foundations of a relationship.

As it’s just juice now, the thing is to talk to her husband and explain why it’s upsetting. You don’t have to agree on everything as parents, but you can talk about them and know that the other will stick within the general agreement and discuss it with you as their thinking or circumstances change.

The DH here could easily have said, ‘sorry mum. We don’t let him have juice yet. Just water or milk.’ and then talked to his wife if he felt they needed to be more relaxed about this. Not because juice or no juice is important in itself, but because he knew it was something his wife had thought a lot about and cared about.

This isn’t an issue about the PIL, it’s about you and your DH not being on the same page. It doesn’t seem unreasonable to me though that if he goes along with your wishes on a day to day basis that he also gets to allow an exception once in a while without it causing a big fuss.

Well it doesn’t sound like the DH has actually agreed. Just that OP has decided no juice and therefore thinks that’s that and that DH shouldn’t be allowed to disagree, even when he follows her wishes the vast majority of the time. Especially as she says that certain treats like occasional cake and biscuits are ok. So only she gets to decide where to draw the line, and it isn’t even particularly logical- why is cake on the occasion ok but juice is a big problem? Really, they don’t need any of it.

Each to their own and we all have own way of dealing with relationships and parenting conflicts but personally I don’t think something as basic as choice of drink should even be up for discussion. I can’t help but think if the gender roles were reversed and the DH was telling his DW that she couldn’t give her own child an occasional drink then he’d be labelled controlling as a result.

Goes along with her wishes and he allows an exception?

So he’s in charge. He’s just humouring her most of the time (god forbid he would participate fully in thinking through arranging approaches) but he gets to decide when it’s not worth humouring her?

Or, they could be partners and actually discuss stuff and then stick to the compromises they’ve agreed to. And discuss them again if things change (as they often do).

Well it doesn’t sound like the DH has actually agreed. Just that OP has decided no juice and therefore thinks that’s that and that DH shouldn’t be allowed to disagree, even when he follows her wishes the vast majority of the time

Perhaps he could… oh, I don’t know… participate in parenting rather than acting like a passenger (who suddenly gets to decide he’s in charge when he fancies it).

If men actually put some effort into thinking about their parenting values and discussing/agreeing things with their co-parents, we wouldn’t find so many women pissed off that they do absolutely fuck all but then undermine their efforts whenever it bloody suits them.