Am I being sensitive or would this annoy you?

[MollyPocket]

Why doesn’t anyone ever comment on my baby taking after me in any way or my relationship with her?

Everyone falls over themselves to say how much she looks like DH, how she’ll definitely be a daddy’s girl etc. She did look more like DH when born but has similarities with me that are coming out more all the time.

DH’s family seem to think she is pure their clan and forget my genes have had any part in her making, while my own DM seems to overcompensate thinking daddy needs the comparisons and ignores my part in things. The other week she told me DD is bound to be daddy’s little girl “because daddies are more fun than mummies’.

No one takes photos of me with her unless I specifically request - yet apparently daddy pics are the most heartwarming thing they’ve ever seen.

Forget the fact that it’s me that is the primary caregiver.

Not that I resent DH about it, he is a good dad, but it would be nice if it occurred to someone to make some connection about her being my baby too given that she’s glued to my hip and my whole life revolves around her.

Am I being over sensitive or would this annoy you too?

I've read about this before and I think I read that people do it to subconsciously point out the genetic link with the father to the baby and encourage them to stay and care for them.

I had this too, it really upset me at the time, as I was generally really struggling with DD1, and people knew that. People can be very insensitive.

Am I being over sensitive or would this annoy you too?

yes you are.
but yes it would.

I had this from my parents in law and I said a bit spikily once was there anything of me or my family in my DD and they got the point after that

My DC looks a lot like their dad I can’t even disagree. At the end of the day they will look like themselves as they get older, I think people stop commenting on it until primary age. Everyone seems to do it but I have never been annoyed by it, I would accept they are going to say it and just let it wash over you.

My DC is not a daddy’s girl at all and most definitely a mummy’s girl. At time they are almost rude to their dad. Not all girls are keen on their daddies so you never know….hopefully they will be a mummies girl and you can sit their all snug in front of the PIL 😂

I have this too op. In laws are generally lovely but they will go through some real leaps to compare my children to their own family rather than admit to any slight similarity with myself. They will even say my children take after bil rather than admit they share any traits with me. Ds1 walked at 9 months, so did I. Apparently so did bil. They have never stopped going on about how ds1 takes after bil in this respect. I actually find it a bit creepy. Bil is their uncle, sure they share some DNA but he didn't directly contribute any genetic material to my kids and it weirds me out a bit that they're so desperate to compare traits to a man that isn't their father rather than with me, their mother

I just figure it is something people say, like weather at abus stop
Not the same thing as such but just an automatic statement

I don't think there is any hidden meaning behind it

I don't remember this standing out for me but it wouldn't have changed the fact it was my child anyway

You are being a little bit sensitive but it's totally valid.

My daughter was her dads spitting image when born and I got it from every angle.

It was ridiculous tbh.

Now she's 7 and is my mini me.
I love it but funny enough it's usually only Facebook friends or my own family/friends who comment now

Separately you don't say how old your baby is, is it possible you have a touch of pnd?

My MIL takes the biscuit on this one - apparently as a newborn DD inherited her (current adult) bowel habits. I mean, how desperate for comparison can you get? Just bizarre!

Yes perhaps! I don’t necessarily want her to prefer me, but would like to be on an equal footing. The way everyone seems to paint it, it will be a magical daddy, daughter relationship and I’ll be on the sidelines.

I think its just the way of it, its not a huge deal and i’d just let it go. If you want a picture of you two just ask for one.

There have been studies down on this - it is genetic . Babies, particularly girls, show more likenesses to their father, and those likenesses are more apparent to the father's family. I suppose in prehistoric times, being recognised as belonging to the fathers family gave them a survival advantage. The mother knows she is the mother, and will do anything to protect her baby, but the father might have need some way of "recognising" that a child was his to trigger the same instinct.

My in laws drove me so crazy with this.

Used to annoy me so much! I remember feeling just as pained as you do. Talked about it a lot in therapy actually.
In laws still do it and my DC are older now. However, really noticeable that any perceived ‘negative’ trait is attributed to me!
I laugh about it with DD and DSIL and it doesn’t bother me now.

Yeaj this is where it gets weird

Yes but while i sort of expect DH’s family to only see her from their side, it would be nice if my family balanced it out a bit!

To be fair to DH he knows I am sensitive about it and so has started to make an effort to tell me when he thinks there are similarities between us and makes a fuss over our bond.

Yes, it a weird thing peopledo to say it's obvious who the father is.

Also any parenting a father does is somehow worthy of a medal mention, where as it's just expected from women and I find women are worse for this than men are.

One of these studies was done with many photos of babies, photos of Mums and photos of Dads. It was shown very clearly that complete strangers were around 4 times more likely to be able to match the baby with the Dad picture, than with the Mum picture.

There have been other studies when relatives who have not met or seen the baby are far more likely to be able to pick out a photo of a baby that is related to them by through the Dad, than through the mum, many times more likley, something like 5x more likely, I think.

These differences shrink and disappear as the child grow to adulthood

You should be happy about it, they are reinforcing the bond between the father's side and your baby. The mother's side bond rarely needs reinforcing.

Unless you are insecure in yourself I don't see why you'd have a problem with it. It's obvious that your bond with her is going to be strong, you're her mother ffs. It would be lovely if her bond with others was strong too.

My DS2 had very dark hair when he was born. MIL commented that all the babies on her/DHs side had blond hair at birth. Not sure if she was suggesting that DS2 wasn't the father, but the fact that he was the spitting image of his dad, and still is, completely passed her by. DH was absolutley the father btw!

Surely that's a joke!

like when baby farts and people says just like her dad. Or baby has hardly any hair and gets just like grandad!

Been there. I also felt like the ILs didn't think I contributed anything to the baby. They also took lots of photos that didn't involve me even once. It was part of a bigger picture of being excluded or an outsider, so it rankled.

When asked who my baby looked like I always replied thar it depended on whose mother you asked.

I completely understand where you are coming from DS1 is the absolute spit of DH everyone comments on it! DS1 does have some of my traits but it's things like memory, poor sleep and being a bit of a perfectionist.
I don't react anymore to any comments about DS it did used to bug me early days though

Nope - absolutely dead serious. And proceeded to share way TMI about her bowel habits.

Of course that was more funny than annoying for me but it is weird