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Original poster

Husband just doesn’t look after DD as well as I do!

47 replies

SassyPants87 · 23/12/2022 23:49

DD is 26 months and I have an 8 week old. I had to have a c section and baby had colic so as you can imagine first couple of months have been horrific!

we agreed that I would focus on baby and DH would have responsibility of toddler so we could split the workload. Of course I’ve still tried to help with DD as much as I can.

baby is also EBF and bottle refuser!!! So it’s all on me for the feeds. I feel like I’ve only just started to feel more human!

I’ve been upset all evening as I genuinely feel like DD had lost weight! Looks like her clothes are hanging off her! Her face looks gaunt and on top of that she’s got eczema flare ups on her body! (I would moisturise her every day). Asked DH if he’s been moisturising her to which he said no!!

I prepped loads of her meals and them so DH just had to warm them and give them to her. DD is a bit fussy with her food but DH knows this and knows what to do. He’s told me all this time she’s hardly been eating any food. If it was me I’d be encouraging her, trying different things, getting her to engage etc

im just so pissed off at him! I feel like he’s done a half arsed job of looking after our toddler and I feel awful and so guilty! I don’t know what the point of this post is, just to get it off my chest really! I really want to get back involved now and take over but I know DH will probably be happy about that!! I just feel so disappointed with him, am I over reacting?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/12/2022 23:55

wow. He is really shit isnt he!

so if he wont help his child’s eczema and doesn't even feed her, what is he doing?

Onnabugeisha · 23/12/2022 23:58

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UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 00:05

I'm not sure why you have just removed yourself from your toddler.
Why isn't she eating with you both ? Even if you are feeding the baby whilst there, together in the same room?
Your posts read almost like you have been living in a different place. How have you not noticed that none of this (eating....putting her cream on her ...) has happened for 8 weeks ?

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FlamingoSocks · 24/12/2022 00:07

It almost sounds like you’ve not really been living together. We have a reasonably large house but I was always aware of what DH had done with the kids and vice versa. There’s no way I’d miss DS1 not eating or not being moisturised etc. It sounds an odd set up and also honestly, a bit sad. Work as a team, as a foursome. It’s you guys in it together forever now so pull together, all work to your strengths. This all sounds really controlled and regimented without any of the joy?

Pinkflipflop85 · 24/12/2022 00:08

She probably isn't wanting to eat because it sounds like you've had a new baby and washed your hands with her.

Having a sibling can be a massive upheaval for the first child. They can feel neglected/second best/unimportant and you not having much to do with her will just compound those feelings.

ladydimitrescu · 24/12/2022 00:09

UsingChangeofName · 24/12/2022 00:05

I'm not sure why you have just removed yourself from your toddler.
Why isn't she eating with you both ? Even if you are feeding the baby whilst there, together in the same room?
Your posts read almost like you have been living in a different place. How have you not noticed that none of this (eating....putting her cream on her ...) has happened for 8 weeks ?

Exactly this - You need to both be splitting the workload between you with everything. Being less involved to the point you didn't realise she's not eating properly in 8 weeks isn't fair on her at all. She needs you as much as the baby does.

RoseslnTheHospital · 24/12/2022 00:09

I think that splitting the children between you like this is a bit odd. Surely you just both muck in with both of them?

It is shit that he hasn't been looking after her skin, that's really bad speaking as an eczema sufferer myself. And potentially not getting her to eat enough. Having batch cooked meals (presumably frozen) is fine, and easy for your DH. But, is he not able to prepare food himself for her?

Itsthewhitehat · 24/12/2022 00:09

The moisturising is crap. Assuming this has been recommended by a doctor, he absolutely should be doing this.

The eating however, I think is a bit unfair. She is a fussy eater. Not every parent find it’s helpful to deal with this by cajoling, ‘trying to get her to engage etc’. Does she really look ‘gaunt’?

My ds was a child that ate very little and all the engaging by his dad never helped. He would eat a bit more for me. His dad wasn’t doing anything wrong. Toddlers just act differently for each parent sometimes.

Theres a lot going on and that can often prompt small eaters and fussy children to eat less.

Is she saying she is hungry and he is refusing to give her food? Are you not eating any meals together at all? It does sound like you have largely disengaged with dd. What happens when dh is at work, or is he still off?

BananaSpanner · 24/12/2022 00:10

Another person confused as to how you’ve missed all this if you all live under the same roof.

Is your toddler missing you if you’ve suddenly abstracted yourself from all her meal times?
Yes he’s crap for not putting her eczema cream on.

MyBooksAndMyCats · 24/12/2022 00:11

How have you missed all this under the same roof? Very weird to focus on one child, thats also not a good idea as your DD will feel pushed out and then the behaviour that comes with that is horrible.

Original poster
SassyPants87 · 24/12/2022 00:12

Definitely agree I need to get more involved first few weeks were tough with the section, my wound opened up again, baby has colic, had tongue tie that needed to get snipped. Plus baby was feeding every 45 mins to an hour because of the tongue tie which we recently got sorted. I was just really overwhelmed with it and in hindsight splitting the childcare wasn’t the best call.

I had been reminding him to moisturise so I don’t know why he didn’t! I meal prepped all her meals and froze them but I know I need to emotionally be there for my toddler and absolutely will be now. I’ve been so shit for her

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 24/12/2022 00:12

He sounds like he’s not doing a great job, but this might be partly to do with not generally taking care of her much?

Take this as a reason for him to look after her more not less. He needs to learn to be good enough rather than you take everything on. Otherwise you’ll be starting threads in 5 years about the fact you are a slave, your DP does nothing and you hate him and your life.

You do sound very divided, which probably isn’t great for your toddler. Redistribute things a bit, so you both get time with both.

Don’t use this as an excuse to turn yourself into a domestic martyr though. You will live to regret it.

NannyR · 24/12/2022 00:13

Both the eczema flare ups and being off her food could be down to the stress of having a new baby sibling and a change of main carer, not necessarily that her dad isn't looking after her properly. I agree with the previous poster - let her eat fresh food as a family - modelling good eating habits and enjoyment of food is far more effective than encouraging and cajoling them to eat, which can be quite stressful for children.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 24/12/2022 00:14

Can you try to all eat together? And eat the same food.

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 00:17

I had been reminding him to moisturise so I don’t know why he didn’t!
Ask him? Perhaps she wouldn’t let him, and he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by insisting?

There’s stuff your DH can do with the new baby, like winding, nappy changes, holding/walking to sleep, bathing. The only thing you have to do right now is the nursing.

You’ve not been ‘shit’ you both made a decision that ended up not working out. Parenting is like that! We are all winging it and the best thing we can do is be flexible, try something, if it doesn’t work, then don’t best yourself up, just come up with different solutions to try until things have a good dynamic. Which all then has to adjust constantly as the DC grow up….

AdventFridgeOfShame · 24/12/2022 00:17

Post 1: my DH is shit
Post2 : I am shit

STOP

Start working together as a team and it will work out.

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 00:19

Take this as a reason for him to look after her more not less. He needs to learn to be good enough rather than you take everything on.

This is so important! And you need to understand that his parenting will be different from yours, so don’t try and turn your DH into a clone of you.

holidayys · 24/12/2022 00:21

Some weird responses. It is perfectly easy to miss mealtimes if you are exclusively and responsively breastfeeding a newborn. Let alone recovering from complications. It is hard enough to find time to feed yourself. Of course you have tried to help with DD as much as you can. As someone with a toddler and newborn, I bet you miss being able to spend extra time with her, and these comments are upsetting. Mumsnet can be a weird place.

Original poster
SassyPants87 · 24/12/2022 00:21

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 00:17

I had been reminding him to moisturise so I don’t know why he didn’t!
Ask him? Perhaps she wouldn’t let him, and he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable by insisting?

There’s stuff your DH can do with the new baby, like winding, nappy changes, holding/walking to sleep, bathing. The only thing you have to do right now is the nursing.

You’ve not been ‘shit’ you both made a decision that ended up not working out. Parenting is like that! We are all winging it and the best thing we can do is be flexible, try something, if it doesn’t work, then don’t best yourself up, just come up with different solutions to try until things have a good dynamic. Which all then has to adjust constantly as the DC grow up….

Thank you, you’re right we are winging it and hoping for the best and this is a decision that just didn’t work out. I have struggled with having another baby but things feel a bit easier now especially since having the tongue tie sorted and my recovery eventually getting there.

OP posts:
Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 00:44

I remember it all too well. Having the second was much harder than the first imho because there’s still only you & DH but now two babies depending on you both. Everything changes. There’s also not much written about having the second baby…all the motherhood advice focuses on your first baby.

Third, fourth added to that, but by then we were more relaxed and capable. The first two are the parenting Guinea pigs really imho.

Just remember don’t do everything because you’re almost recovered, you and DH need to pull together and work as a team caring for both DC. Try and do things as a foursome. No reason why DH can’t make meals for DD, you and him so he’s taking care of you and DD at once. Or he take care of baby and DD while you cook. Or any mixture of these. Or go for a walk and you hold DDs hand while he carries the baby…

It does get easier and the hard work now pays off because when they are older they play with each other & entertain each other. A two year age gap is perfect btw. Best thing you can do is not be too critical of yourselves. Back each other up. Don’t be afraid to say, er this isn’t working and here’s why and so what else can we try?

DuchessDandelion · 24/12/2022 00:55

8 weeks is too early to introduce a bottle anyway

You can bottle feed from day 1, let's not pile on the mum guilt for women who aren't breast feeding for whatever reason.

Onnabugeisha · 24/12/2022 00:59

DuchessDandelion · 24/12/2022 00:55

8 weeks is too early to introduce a bottle anyway

You can bottle feed from day 1, let's not pile on the mum guilt for women who aren't breast feeding for whatever reason.

It is not advised when exclusively breast feeding to introduce the bottle “from day 1”. I’m not piling on mum guilt, I’m explaining why the baby refused the bottle and giving OP hope that her DH can in the near future do feeds by doing the bottle training around 12 wks old.

This is completely different from exclusively formula feeding and has nothing to do with women who cannot or choose not to breastfeed at all.

PinkButtercups · 24/12/2022 01:15

I recently had my twins and was in a hospital far from home for over a week. My 3yo DS was a bit out of place. It was a mixture of my mum looking after him and his dad. Even though my DS sees my mum most days and his dad (we're still together) he was barely eating and just wasn't himself. It broke my heart but it was because I wasn't there. He didn't quite understand it all. Now I'm home and he's back to himself and eating properly again which is lovely to see.

It's a big change for them and it's bigger than we realise. I just try to make sure DS has my time as much as the babies and don't use phrases like 'I can't do xyz because I'm feeding the babies' I rephrase it to 'I'm feeding the babies at the moment is it okay if you just wait a little while until they've finished feeding and we can play?' Or I'll ask if he wants to help feed them etc. Of course slightly different for you because you're breastfeeding. You haven't been shit at all.

NGCO · 24/12/2022 01:26

Sounds like you've just stop doing everything for ur toddler. Yous should be sharing responsibility with both kids. I feel for ur toddler your husband can take care of baby too only thing he can't do is feed

fUNNYfACE36 · 24/12/2022 01:36

This is a ridiculous situation , your toddler must feel you've totally ditched her and your dh needs to be bonding with t he new baby too.

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