Husband just doesn’t look after DD as well as I do!

[SassyPants87]

DD is 26 months and I have an 8 week old. I had to have a c section and baby had colic so as you can imagine first couple of months have been horrific!

we agreed that I would focus on baby and DH would have responsibility of toddler so we could split the workload. Of course I’ve still tried to help with DD as much as I can.

baby is also EBF and bottle refuser!!! So it’s all on me for the feeds. I feel like I’ve only just started to feel more human!

I’ve been upset all evening as I genuinely feel like DD had lost weight! Looks like her clothes are hanging off her! Her face looks gaunt and on top of that she’s got eczema flare ups on her body! (I would moisturise her every day). Asked DH if he’s been moisturising her to which he said no!!

I prepped loads of her meals and them so DH just had to warm them and give them to her. DD is a bit fussy with her food but DH knows this and knows what to do. He’s told me all this time she’s hardly been eating any food. If it was me I’d be encouraging her, trying different things, getting her to engage etc

im just so pissed off at him! I feel like he’s done a half arsed job of looking after our toddler and I feel awful and so guilty! I don’t know what the point of this post is, just to get it off my chest really! I really want to get back involved now and take over but I know DH will probably be happy about that!! I just feel so disappointed with him, am I over reacting?

This. Don't you eat together as a family? Bathe together? Spend time in the same room. Why can't you moisturise your toddler and eat with her while baby naps or your dh holds the baby?

I introduced a bottle at 2 weeks to help me cope with the exhaustion caused by cluster feeding. Only used it every so often and successfully breastfed until I chose to stop at 11 months.

Many of my friend who waited to introduce the bottle ended up dealing with bottle refusal.

Nothing like dumping your toddler when the new baby arrives to set him/ her up with psychological issues for life.
WTAF?

He should have done better.
Don’t panic, she won’t be permanently harmed.
Give her loads of those Rolo mousse type puddings, they have as many calories as a lot of supplements the dietitians give.
Add cream and butter to her food.

The excema I would be annoyed with, again you can get it under control again.
My 2nd child was barely heard reading his school book when difficult baby 3 made an appearance. It’s normal to drop some balls.

Im guessing after Christmas he will be at work, so maybe use the time to work out a new routine. Maybe you have special time with toddler as soon as he gets in and before witching hour commences. Then maybe at the weekend he can take baby for a walk one morning so you and toddler have time. Then ideally he could take both out another morning so you can rest (8 weeks with a colicky baby is relentless and you must be knackered. My DH never managed 2 together as he was in a weird moody state- he bloody would now though!)

I mean the moisturising thing is crap

But she’s a fussy 2 year old who’s just had her whole world turned upside down and her mum has suddenly become unavailable. Do you not think that might be affecting her eating more? I’m not saying that to guilt you, a toddler and a newborn is hard. I think DH needs to take more responsibility for the baby between feeds so DD can have more of you. See if that helps before jumping straight to blaming DH.

No advice but just want to say hang in there and well done - I struggle with one toddler, never mind a baby as well.

Not sure what’s wrong with the posters who seem to want to make you feel like you’re doing a shit job. I never understand why people would take time out of their day to make someone feel worse.

This is definitely a sign he needs to look after her more, not less. Also you can introduce a bottle now if you want to.

When you have a baby it is the time your first born needs extra attention from you not less.

If you can't bottle feed then your husband can still look after baby and just being her to you when hungry.

@Onnabugeisha I actually think the first 10 days is the best time to introduce a bottle with babies. You risk bottle refusal leaving any later. All of mine were mix fed successfully from the first week.

Oh and I wouldn’t rush for a bottle. You’ve done the hard bit of breastfeeding now. The next bit should be easier and you don’t have to faff around sterilising so your efforts should start to pay off. As they get bigger you’ll manage to play with toddler and feed at the same time, the extra spare hand is so useful.

Id make your husband do nearly all nappy changes and winding though.

Oh no that all sounds so hard to balance, around that age my toddler started being fussy and actually lost a little but she soon made up for it, when she had a growth spurt. Hope your okay after c section I know how much it hurts and really looking after yourself is priority, without you the kids can't be looked after so don't feel
Too guilty for having your time also. Dh sounds like a rabbit in the headlights, too much to do at once, maybe all cut yourselves some slack and things will get easier Xx

I've never heard of anyone splitting the childcare responsibilities like that. You both need time with both children. Eight weeks is one hell of a long time to withdraw from life.

Shit I hate this part of a new baby. It’s like a bomb has gone off and your in the wreckage for weeks/months. I was always envious of people who seem to find this stage easy as it was hard for me.

I agree with others about finding a way to split childcare differently so you all have time with each other. Your partner may find looking after the baby easier. Between feeds he can do a long walk, he can cuddle change nappies. In a way they’re more straight forward than a toddler who tantrums and refuses things.

it does sound like he needs to be a bit more responsible. If she has cream that stops her Skin getting bad he shouldn’t need to be told to use it. Is it because he hasn’t ever cared for her for a significant period without you doing everything. Possibly he is only just having his first experience of being the main carer?

Omg 😳 colic baby also 🙈 💆‍♀️🥴 your all probably sleep deprived also 🥱 I had one of those also, no fun Xx

I don't think it's fair to stop looking after your toddler so suddenly.

Is breast feeding worth it if your eldest isn't thriving? In your mind it's fine because the current thinking is that it's so much better to breast feed. It probably is. But your eldest isn't eating enough and is struggling a bit.

I think you need to split the care differently & allow DH to bond with the baby while you spend time with toddler.

Aren't you ever alone while DH works? I remember juggling both on days out when he was back at work. We carried on going to toddler groups, zoo, city farm etc when DS was just a few weeks old. I don't think you can sit breastfeeding all day with a toddler to look after.

Your toddler needs you now, more than ever.

My husband would be exactly the same, they do try, but not always get things right. I found my DH giving our newborn a bath in the middle of the night as he was so messy, when I told him to just do a quick nappy change, feed and back to sleep. Work together now you and baby are better and let DH have some bonding time with baby, whilst you get DD back on track. Don’t be hard on yourselves, you sound a lovely caring family.

Sounds like you've all been having a rough and intense couple of months. Just remember that you've had two years of practice at being Mummy, but your husband doesn't have the same experience. He has to learn how to be a better parent just like you had to.

Your husband is being shit, but so are you to your poor toddler. It's so difficult for them when a new baby comes and they've been used to being the centre of your world for their whole lives.

Now, it looks like you don't want her anymore, and all you want is the new baby.

Whether that's true or not doesn't matter - it's what your DD will feel, and this is such a crucial time in her development.. you need to think of another plan, for sure.

Op step away from this post and the perfect mum shamers
it sounds like a really hard time for you all. Accept everyone has done their best in difficult circumstances and move forwards.
8 weeks is no time especially when you are recovering from major surgery and feeding a newborn every hour. Of course you haven’t seen your dd. Your dh is probably pulled all directions too.
make sure you pull together and keep plodding on. Ass pp said this is the opportunity to make sure dh does continue to step up. It’s all trial and error at this stage. Dd has 2 loving parents. She will be fine.

Don't be daft @Flossiemoss . No-one is trying to claim they are perfect. When things aren't going well for me, getting advice from others who have been there, done that, and got the t-shirt is always helpful.

@Onnabugeisha - have to disagree with your theory. I mixed fed from Day 1 and dc never had any issues switching. I hadn't heard of "bottle refusers" until I started reading MN.

This is great advice:

You’ve not been ‘shit’ you both made a decision that ended up not working out. Parenting is like that! We are all winging it and the best thing we can do is be flexible, try something, if it doesn’t work, then don’t best yourself up, just come up with different solutions to try until things have a good dynamic. Which all then has to adjust constantly as the DC grow up….

Why diesnt dh prepare foid? Surely he has been involved with toddler since she was born and knows how to make food for all of you?
Start sitting round table sltogetger
Dh prepares food for all
You sit and feed baby but you all sit together fir meals
Once baby is fed and you all eaten dh takes baby and you play with toddler or read to her

When they say divide and conquer, they don't mean for 8 weeks. You need to learn to balance both. Parenting multiple kids is a juggling act but you've got to learn to do it. You need to work together, you've been very lucky to have dh at home for 8 weeks supporting you but you really have gone about it in an odd way.

Routine is key, one cooks while one minds the kids, you all eat together (even with baby on knee if not napping), baths are done together. Dh can cuddle the baby while you get time with toddler. Lots of options that don't mean literally living separate lives with a kid each.