Leaving 5 month year old.

[Kenyadad]

Could do with some perspectives here.

My son is 4.5 months old now. Me and my wife live in the u.k normally but are currently away on holiday in Kenya with her Kenyan family.

My wife is currently training to be a nurse and I work full time. In January she is due to start placement in the u.k.

We have a care plan in place for our son when we get back but we have been made another offer for my son to stay in Kenya.

Her Kenyan family are well off and more than capable of looking after our son with 2 househelps (maids/ servants). My family are also capable of providing decent support in the u.k.

Before we left my wife and I were quite certain we wanted our son to be with us. Since we arrived my wife has asked the question whether I would like to leave my son in Kenya as she feels it will make her studies easier and give us more freedom.

I can't bear to think of us leaving with him left behind.

Am I in the wrong here should I be seriously considering this offer.

Thanks.

If your wife would happily leave her tiny baby halfway across the world (albeit with family) she’s not bonded properly with him yet. This can grow over time, but not if you’re on the other side of the globe.

How long would he be in Kenya for? You don’t mention. Indefinitely?

Even if they’re family, would you trust them to look after your baby the way a parent would? Could you expect house help to provide the fundamental love and care only a parent could provide?

I’ve given you a sensible answer but really, your question is madness. I think you need to have a serious think about why your wife is so willing to give up her baby, and possibly consider that she might need to seek some form of outside support.

I think it's highly unusual for any parent but particularly a mother to be not only amenable to but actually enthusiastic about leaving their 5mo baby in another country to 'have more freedom'. She does understand that having a baby means you have to make sacrifices, yes?

I think it's a bonkers idea personally.

Why would you even consider this? Not in a million years would I do this. Please read up on attachment theory. A nanny/maid can’t replace his parents. Get additional help in the Uk if your wife is overwhelmed eg an occasional babysitter.

Your baby needs his parents. I am concerned for your wife. How is she even contemplating this. Poor baby.

How heart-breaking, it makes me so sad to read this. I was apart from my 9 month old for 2 hours the other week and missed her so much when I was gone! She was only 20 mins away with her dad while I got my hair done. The relief when I got back home to her was immense.

I'd genuinely rather be dead than be in a different country to my children even for a minute.

(Disclaimer- obviously when they're grown up they can spread their wings and move abroad / travel / do as they please. I was only talking about when they're little children who need mummy).

I can’t contemplate leaving my baby longer than a couple of hours with a very selective few people at 3 months but am still yet to do this. Definitely wouldn’t feel able to leave her in a different continent at 5 months. I personally don’t plan on leaving her for long periods of time until she can fully articulate a series of events back to me…
I wonder if your wife could be struggling to bond/have PND? Or is it a cultural thing?

Absolutely bizarre! I can't even begin to imagine a world where ANY parent would happily leave their 5 month old baby in ANOTHER FUCKING COUNTRY for months on end to be looked after by servants in order to pursue their own goals!!!!!!

This is beyond sad! 😢

I'm confused as to why your wife decided to have a baby if she would happily leave them in Kenya for months to study. Poor, poor baby.

Is there a cultural element in that is it more common in her culture for extended family to do this while parents work abroad??

personally though no I couldn’t leave a baby that young. The baby will have no concept of what has happened. They’ll just know the only 2 familiar sage adults have disappeared for months on end ( assuming it would be months between visits). Doesn’t sound healthy to me.

can she do her studies in Kenya? Can her family member live with you for a bit?

Bloody nuts idea.

I think it’s one thing to leave a child with a childcare provider for a number of hours so you can gain the skills needed to progress in your career/provide a better life for your children. But to leave a 5 month old baby in another country is wrong, and traumatic. That baby needs his parents and his mother especially.

Please do not leave him in Kenya!!

Im pretty callous in that i had overnight babysitters for toddlers but this is madness

Please don't.

You can search out articles like this to see even if it goes well you emotionally screw up your child
www.itv.com/news/2021-03-13/the-west-african-children-farmed-out-to-white-families

Before we left my wife and I were quite certain we wanted our son to be with us. Since we arrived my wife has asked the question whether I would like to leave my son in Kenya as she feels it will make her studies easier and give us more freedom.

leave him for how long?

Not that it really matters. He is tiny and will forget you both within a very short time.

But does she mean permanently? or is she saying temporarily, hoping you agree, and then you never seen your son again?

I cannot fathom it. Do you think she is struggling mentally.

If you think this what she genuinely wants, I'd take the baby and leave her. Doesn't sound like she'll stop you.

I understand that it is less unusual in other countries to have extended family raise a child while parents have to concentrate on work or supporting the family, and have worked with several people in this position.

It wasn't a choice and they missed their children dreadfully. They would have done anything to be together.

I can't conceive of choosing to leave your very nearly newborn on the other side of the world where you have any kind of alternative, let alone a good one, in place.

I think PPs are right. You should be asking some serious questions here.

Never in a million years

not in a million years. Take your child home

You would rather be DEAD (permanent situation) than be in a different country from your children for 1 minute (would last 1 minute, not unlike popping to the loo or making a cuppa)??? Yes, makes much more sense to pick your own death and your children’s permanent separation from their mother to being away from them for ONE MINUTE!!!!! OP and their wife clearly aren’t the only ones who are not quite right.

I'd genuinely rather be dead than be in a different country to my children even for a minute.

While the opening post is bonkers, this is just as bonkers if not more so! And makes no sense.

I was apart from my 9 month old for 2 hours the other week and missed her so much when I was gone!

This is not remotely normal. 2 hours? Many mothers are back at work by this point & away from their DC for 10 hours a day.

OP, I think this is very much a cultural situation where leaving babies / children to be raised in a parents' home country while the parents work elsewhere is considered normal. However, at such a young age, the baby will lose their attachment to their parents & there are long-term implications to consider.

I think the fact you are both seriously questioning this makes me wonder if he will be better off staying there. I don't know a single person in their right mind who would even consider this. Not in a million years. How awful for your poor son.

I agree this is really odd behavior aswell. 2 hours without a baby of that age is nothing when majority of parents are back to work then. A newborn/few months old that's understandable but 9 months?

That's a really surprising plan and highly unusual. I think that's a terrible idea personally.

What is your care plan in the UK? And how does your wife think the Kenyan option is better?