Parenting almost 4 year old - relentless ?

[Noshowlomo]

Feel awful writing this, and it feels so un-Christmassy but I am shattered!
DS is 4 in March and I love him so much, but I hate parenting. I hate the 6.30 starts with the “let’s play now” straight away. The tantrums, the play, the never leaving me alone.
He is so wanted, we tried for him for years and he’s perfect in so many ways, but I’m finding this stage hard and keep googling “when does parenting get easier”.
I feel like I can’t relax at all this Christmas, and keep thinking back to the days of just clocking off work, pouring a wine and watching crap tv for days with lovely lie ins. Now it’s constant play, or tidying and early starts.
Again, feel like a massive knob writing this but I would love time to myself and to go to bed knowing I can have 8 hours sleep.
Clearly not a natural mother at all! I can’t even say I’m in the house 24/7 as I have meals out with friends once a month, work etc
So my question is, does it get easier ? I know I’ll worry for life, I’m super anxious when he has so much as a cold and I just want to scoop him up and keep him safe from the world but at the same time, it’s so …. hard !!

My twins turn 4 in April. From the age of 18 months - 3.5 it was excruciatingly hard. They started their 30 hours in September just gone and things are so much easier. They’ve not been at school today and have played so well together (they do fight as well though and the refereeing is hard) but I finally feel like having twins is paying off 😂

My two year old is lovely but I am exhausted as well.

He is off nursery for two weeks and I am slightly dreading it, and feeling awful for dreading it!

Don’t you think it would be good to ask him to play by himself sometimes too? An hour on an hour off etc. I would not be playing first thing either!

Where I live there's holiday childcare from age 3. Day camps, no academics just sports, movies, crafts and games. Start with half-days then build up to some full days? DD1 loved it and bounced off to her first sleepaway camp at aged 7! You can have a day shopping, napping, reading in a café.

But just to add you sound like a lovely mum, you shouldn’t beat yourself up but give yourself a break!

I definitely think the sheer drudgery, relentlessness and exhaustion gets much better from 4.5/ 5.
Yes there can be other challenges/worries as they become teenagers but it is not the same thing as the feeling of having no time/space to ever just relax at home and being utterly exhausted from have your sleep constantly disturbed.

I've never looked back and wished we could be back at an earlier stage!

We had a groclock which helped - set for 7.15 on weekdays and 7.45 at weekends. DD wasn't allowed out of room before the sun was up, although she was allowed to play quietly in her room on her own or look at a book. That helped a lot as I'm so not a morning person. We made it very clear that grumpy tired parents don't play but we could have fun later on.

We also invented 'quiet time' in the afternoon where she got two hours to play in her room - this had previously been naptime. This meant everyone got a break from everyone else.

We do almost exactly this too - 1 or 2 hours of downtime in the afternoon works for everyone. I feel like no one has mentioned this yet - but don’t feel obliged to entertain them constantly from 6.30am! It is really good for kids to be given some downtime to just chill and be bored/make up games in their own space. Sometimes they just need some (strong) encouragement.

It does get better. Mine turns 5 in March, now he can play a lot more independently and is at school!
Don't feel bad for taking 10/20 minutes to yourself while he watches tv, plays on a tablet etc. It's good for both of you.

Depends on the child! My first can sleep in until 9, my youngest wakes at 7 every morning. Not stupidly early but I'd love a lie in on a Sunday!

I dunno man my 5 year old is really difficult just now. It’s a different kind of difficult I suppose. But she is cheeky as fuck and relentless in a whole different way.

I really hope she’ll mellow over the holidays because I have really struggled with her since she started school. I feel awful saying that because she is an adored child but she’s like a defiant Tasmanian devil right now.

@AnneTwackie he won’t. I’ve said I need to sit down for a minute (if we have just got up) and he says I don’t want to play on my own so I feel guilty then. He’s so sociable and just loves being with people, whether it’s me and my husband or just others. He’s has an amazing imagination and has so many questions I just feel guilty leaving him on his own, although I have said “i need to make your dinner” etc and I listen to him having a play with his toys.
to the poster who asked about my husband /his dad- he’s amazing. Couldn’t ask for a better father. He’s probably more hands on than me.

Audiobooks (audible) was a life saver for us too - to help with “quiet time”. The audio ones that they can work and choose for themselves what to listen to sound good too (can’t remember the name!)

Mine are 9 and 6, they've been off school and I've been off work since last Friday and I was just thinking this afternoon that I've actually had a pretty chilled week - they either sleep in or get up and watch telly so I get to lie in when I want to, we've done some nice family trips out where they have been reasonably well-behaved, and they've bumbled round the house quite happily whilst I've got in with housework/ Christmas prep/ read my book/ watched TV. The last couple of Christmases have been thrown off course by COVID and lockdowns so maybe it would have been the same last year otherwise. But my youngest was pretty hard work until she was 5 at least (eldest much easier).

I have a 4 year old. It's hard! He knows I don't play until I've had my first coffee of the day and if it's not a school day I just whack the tv on straight away. Hang in there op.

@Noshowlomo urgh the playing! I will happily do playdoh, build with duplo, paint, explore the garden etc all day but my soul dies a little when I hear 'mummy, pretend you're the owner and I'm the pet' or whatever.

I have DD5 and DS almost 3. DD became so much easier once she started school. Not too long...?!

My 2 are 8 and nearly 5. This Christmas so far has been a lot easier than last. My youngest plays independently a lot more and can be reasoned with a lot more.
Hang in there OP, it does get better.

Oh OP the playing is soul destroying isn't it!? My son was really really bad at independent play until he reached 3, one of my go-to activities for him was to bung him in the bath as it was the only place he would play nicely on his own. Everything changed when I got pregnant and literally did not have the energy to play with him all day everyday anymore and flat out had to tell him "no mummy needs a rest" it was kind of tough love but it worked and ever since he has played independently beautifully. He's now almost 5 with a 1 year old brother and he is the easiest kid, honestly. Sometimes you have to be tough to be kind (to yourself and him!)

Sounds like he'd benefit from preschool tbh.

I think the child does go to childcare- this is about the Xmas holidays but I could be wrong?
On reflection OP I think it's worth thinking if you could be a bit depressed? You mention a supportive hands on dad, 'breaks' through work and time with friends. Those are the usual corrective measures to get some 'mum balance' so if you have those maybe this runs a bit deeper. (Maybe the deep longing for this child has meant there's too much weight of expectation that real mundane life can't deliver, though again you can tell me that's not the case)

It definitely got easier. I can’t remember when but I think when they can put their own seatbelt on was about the time, or when they can get a snack themselves.

I now have (admittedly easy) teens and life is about a million times more relaxing. For a start I sleep as much as I want - or at least as much as general
daily life allows, and I get plenty of time on my own. Which I used to physically crave when they were younger.

I have an 8 year old and 4 year old. The 4 year old actually plays better independently, probably because she wasn’t the sole focus when she was little, but is very strong willed and impossible to reason with. The 8 year old isn’t much better and was up at 5.20 this morning 😩. They argue constantly. I’m with you OP it’s hard! I’m hoping things get better in the next year too. Keep going!

It's fine - it's about creating boundaries and helping him learn that other people have needs too. You're just looking at 30 mins or so, not leaving him on his own for hours. We explained it using the little book that comes with the groclock.

We also found audio books useful - encouraged her to play one quietly in her room buys a bit more time.

Mine now comes up with plans for what she's going to do in 'quiet time' and gets cross if she has to miss it for some reason!

You need to stop feeling guilty about not being with him all of the time. Its hard, i know, but he does actually need to learn to spend time entertaining himself. It's perfectly.ok to say, "I'm going to have a cup of tea bow and you can play with your puzzles for a bit." Mine are a bit older now but that 2-5 age IS relentless.

The only way we survived the early starts was to take turns. One parent up at 6 and the other gets to sleep until 9. Otherwise I don't know how dh and I woukd have coped.

@toffeeapple77 i did have PND a few months after he was born. That wasn’t expected at all. I have lots of anxiety relating to his sister being stillborn 18 months before he was, so I also have the guilt of thinking it would be a breeze after losing her. Any time he’s ill, even a tiny bit, I get super anxious and imagine the worse. At the moment it feels like I’m constantly anxious, but also trapped in this.
Ive had lots of counselling relating to my anxiety issues, maybe I need more…
He had a really good sleep last night, and we’re up and he’s watching YouTube for a bit 😊