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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I a crap mummy?

49 replies

sushistar · 02/02/2008 23:00

I feel like one sometimes. He's 8 weeks old and sometimes I'm tired and I don't feel like I interact with him enough. Sometimes if he's crying for attention I just feel tired and put him on the breast even though he's not hungry, hoping he'll sleep. He sleeps wonderfully at night, which seems to mean NO daytime naps . And I get sooo weary. And we don't have a bedtime or anything for him - he comes to bed when DH and I do. And sometimes I point his bouncy chair at the TV because I need a break. And sometimes I don't bath him for 10 days. And sometimes I don't change his nappies for longer than I should. And although he's exclusively breastfed sometimes I don't eat right and then worry he's not getting all the vitamins and stuff he needs. And sometimes I drink (although I know that's ok when you're breastfeeding) every day for 3 days but only one small glass per day, but I probably shouldn't cos his liver's only little. And even tho DH really wants to feed him I don't express cos the few times I have I've got nothing or 1 oz and it's too mmuch effort and I'm lazy.

Phew. Cathartic.

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Original poster

sushistar · 02/02/2008 23:05

Oh, and right now I'm online instead of catching up on housework. And I'm in living rm w/ ds and dh and dh is watching Pearl harbour so little one's ears are full of gunfire and dying screams which is probably screwing him up? Maybe. And I have too much caffiene - I've cut out tea but eat lots of chocolate.

OP posts:

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:07

you are not a crap mummy. you are a very tired one, at probably the hardest stage of looking after a tiny one. He is likely to get everything he needs from your milk, but you may want to grab the odd bit of fruit so you have the feeling of being virtuous and hey maybe a few vits for yourself. I would say you sound absolutely normal to me

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:08

chocolate is good. Am eating it ATM too crappy galaxy. bet you got somethin better...

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madamez · 02/02/2008 23:08

He's alive. You're doing fine.

BarbaraWoodlouse · 02/02/2008 23:09

Sorry, have to go to bed so no time to address all of your points as I'd like but just to say that every mum feels like you at some point (? most points). I think guilt comes with the territory.

Pearl Harbour is an awful film IRC but I don't think it will harm DS long term

princessosyth · 02/02/2008 23:09

It is hard. I don't even remember those days really as I was in such a daze. Maybe you would feel better if he was in more of a routine, I don't know. Ds didn't have a bedtime until he was 5 months old because he cried if he was not next to us. Don't beat yourself up about it, try and have a break if you can even if it is just going our for a drink with your dh.

talktothebees · 02/02/2008 23:09

look at what you're doing right. You're still bfing at 8 weeks when most women have stopped, when he needs you you comfort him, he's healthy and growing so you can;t be doing that much wrong. At 8 weeks old he doesn't need a routine, he's only just realised there's a day and a night. It's easy to think there's a magic formula for looking after babies but there really isn't. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll all be fine. These early weeks are so short. in another 8 weeks he'll be learning to sit up and starting to interact with the world around him so much more and you'll wonder where your little baby has gone. Enjoy this snuggly time.

As for the nappies - does he have nappy rash? If not , you're doing fine. And the baths, actually most babies are bathed too often rather than not often enough. Wait till he's weaning, you'll be hosing him down in the garden twice a day then.

You really are doing OK

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:11

pearl harbour? well if he can remember all he has heard tonight and recite it word perfectly next week, then he has issshhhooos
if he can't then no probs

colditz · 02/02/2008 23:12

You have done NOTHING wrong. They only need you in these early days - they don't need stimulating etc ... and as for expressing, screw that, what a hassle.

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 23:13

he will get EVERYTHING he needs from your milk
eat well when you can manage it though as it will keep YOU healthy and help you cope

"Sometimes if he's crying for attention I just feel tired and put him on the breast even though he's not hungry, hoping he'll sleep."
yes don't worry that is a perfectly sensible thing to do! it will relax you both and it is fine for babies to have milk frequently

please sod the housework for now, it will not matter a bit whether you hoovered up tonight. you being able to relax and rest a bit does matter though

I never expressed, so much faff! Breasts are designed to make life easy for tired and stressed mothers. Bottles just makse your job harder, don't worry about it

in general do you think you are coping and just feeling a bit tired, or are you feeling very low and down? it is hard to tell from your post,

yama · 02/02/2008 23:13

Don't worry - the little one is with you and daddy - not away in another room all on his own.

You bf - big pat on back.
You bath at least every 10 days - ditto (not as if he works up a sweat).
You worry - tick.

Try to be a bit easier on yourself. Tea is fine by the way. I mean no pressure by this but I like to think that a happy Mummy makes a happy baby (well that's the way I justify my indulgences).

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:13

lol @ routine
my ds1 was almost two before we got one of those

Original poster

sushistar · 02/02/2008 23:14

No nappy rash. And yes, he's alive and still breastfed. I don't think these three make me a good mum tho. I look at his lovely smile and feel like i'm letting him down.

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PeachesMcLean · 02/02/2008 23:14

Wooooaaahhhh, sushi! He's 8 weeks. It's supposed to be chaos. He's not going to be screwed up by noise at this stage. He doesn't need a huge amount of interaction - he eats, poos and sleeps. No bathing for 10 days? there are other ways of keeping a child clean. Does he have nappy rash? No, he's fine. He's exclusively breastfed! What a benefit, you should be proud.

Are you really feeling bad? Do mention it to the HV or the GP about it, but don't let it get you down like this. Catharsis good though - wish I'd known about MN when my DS was 8 weeks.

As for "catching up on housework" It's Saturday night! Are you normally of quite high standards? You don't sound crap to me.

princessosyth · 02/02/2008 23:15

Don't worry about Pearl Harbour. When ds was 4 months old he spent new years eve in front of the tv wathching the wicker man . He seems relatively unscathed...

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:17

seriously, I think a few of us are starting to wonder if you are really down, sushi? c'mon who can you talk to - as well as us?

malfoy · 02/02/2008 23:18

sounds like you are doing fine.

it is not necessary to bath babies daily, probably not even weekly.

you don't have to interact with them constantly either. I would feel really guilty when I need 3 cups of coffee to get going in the morning & wasn't constantly speaking/ singing to DS.

Original poster

sushistar · 02/02/2008 23:22

Franny and Peaches, don't worry, I don't think I have PND or anything. I just do get down sometimes, always have, especially in Jan/feb. Plus my HV is pants. I'm not going to see her anymore.
I guess I just feel like i'm letting ds down all the time. If i was less pants I'd be a better mummy to him - he deserves the most perfect mum in the world and all he's got is me.

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 23:23

if you feel like this all the time, sushi, I think you ought to talk to someone in RL about it
your hv or whoever
because there is NO need for you to feel guilty or letting your son down - at 8 weeks I would never have DREAMT of doing any housework! and seriously, no nappy rash, alive and breastfed is a BIG achievement - yes it is - it bloody is

I am hoping you are just a bit tired and low tonight and that tomorrow you will feel more yourself

if you carry on feeling crap please ask for help

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 23:25

sorry cross posts
see another hv if you can - it is useful to have one if you can be bothered

your ds has the perfect mother - you are the perfect mother for him - you are HIS mother

Original poster

sushistar · 02/02/2008 23:25

DH is wonderful, as is my mum, I'm not on my own. But I feel like it's a sort of secret how I feel - to them i look like i'm coping, and i am. I just wish i was better at being a mum - they should do degrees in it!

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 02/02/2008 23:30

well really, what should you be doing that you are not doing?

housework - bollocks. your ds neither knows or cares what the house looks like
feeding him - sounds like this is going well
changing nappies - if he hasn't got nappy rash then you are changing often enough
putting him in front of tv - if you feel this is not ideal then use a mobile or view out of the window if any trees or something instead. But he can't understand what he is seeing on the tv so it can't harm him in that way
having a drink - as you have said, a small glass once or twice a week is not going to do damage
not having a bedtime - very sensible, he is only tiny

what else?

I am not trying to dismiss all your concerns but you are really doing FINE

talktothebees · 02/02/2008 23:34

sushi, your imperfection is important. Your DS is learning that a normal, fragile, imperfect human being can make his world a safe and happy place. He will grow up to be imperfect and he will know, through your example, that to be imperfect but loving is good enough.

Dalrymps · 02/02/2008 23:34

I have felt the same as you but am at 3 months now and is gradually getting better, ds gets a bath once/twice a week and most of the time i change his nappies as often as i should with the occasional slip up, still don't feel like i top and tail him enough though... i don't think you are unusual at all, you are completely normal, it DOES get easier

gigglewitch · 02/02/2008 23:52

sushi, that 'pretending' thing is ringing a huge bell with me. you may / may not have pnd / something and who needs a 'label' anyway, but please will you talk to your gp or somebody.
And join the club, most HV's are pants form what i can gather from own experience and comments on here. They shouldn't be, but they are. crap innit?

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