Am I a crap mummy?

[sushistar]

I feel like one sometimes. He's 8 weeks old and sometimes I'm tired and I don't feel like I interact with him enough. Sometimes if he's crying for attention I just feel tired and put him on the breast even though he's not hungry, hoping he'll sleep. He sleeps wonderfully at night, which seems to mean NO daytime naps . And I get sooo weary. And we don't have a bedtime or anything for him - he comes to bed when DH and I do. And sometimes I point his bouncy chair at the TV because I need a break. And sometimes I don't bath him for 10 days. And sometimes I don't change his nappies for longer than I should. And although he's exclusively breastfed sometimes I don't eat right and then worry he's not getting all the vitamins and stuff he needs. And sometimes I drink (although I know that's ok when you're breastfeeding) every day for 3 days but only one small glass per day, but I probably shouldn't cos his liver's only little. And even tho DH really wants to feed him I don't express cos the few times I have I've got nothing or 1 oz and it's too mmuch effort and I'm lazy.

Phew. Cathartic.

Even if i did have pnd, which i don't, they'd just want to put me on pills. And I'd have to see the crapola HV again I guess. And dh is here for me if i need him.

cool. A good DH is better than anything

housework - how rude of you to say that word on a saturday night

OK well here's what I have learnt...

...very few people feel they are a 'good mum' - really most people never live up to the expectations they have of themselves for their perfect little person.

All you actually need to do is be a good enough mum - and you are! You are meeting all your LOs needs, he sounds very happy and content.

Whats more, you are actually a rather good mummy for caring so much to come on here and 'bear all' despite how you feel. I felt exactly the same with both my DCs, I don't think you are depressed, I wasn't for certain, I think how you feel is perfectly normal and gets it better and easier with time

you don't have to see the HV. If you suspect you have PND, your HV would just refer you to the the GP anyway. So if you think you need that kind of help, you can just see your GP without telling the HV. I'm a bit wary of admitting to anyone I've had a crap few days, just in case they start diagnosing PND. A few nights of sleep deprivation can make everything seems impossible and hopeless. Other people's comments, even kindly meant ones, can be another knife to your heart.

You sound like you're just having a crisis of confidence but in fact you are doing all the right things. You're spending your time cuddling and feeding your baby, which is all he wants from you right now. However, there are an army of parenting so-called gurus out there who make you feel a failure if you can't predict how much or when your baby will eat/sleep/poo each day, If you were 8 wo what would you need? A rigid routine or a mum who kept you warm, fed and safe

If you're worried you might be depressed this is the test your HV would give you If you are tired, rest rest rest. I am currently joining my 7mo in every nap. I;ve never done that before this week but lord I need it know

i think you need some me time in the evenings so i would start trying to put him upstairs earlier. i assume he has a feed just before you go to bed and then goes to sleep with you? when is his last feed before that? if i were i would put him upstairs after that feed so you get some time in the evenings for just you and dh.

have you thought about playing music in the daytime to occupy him rather than pointing his chair at the tv? do you have a baby gym? at this age they are just starting to become interested in colours, shapes, music etc.

don't worry about not eating right. as long as you are getting protein from meat and fish (or other stuff if your a vegetarian), and eat some fruit and veg then you're fine. and drinking 1 small glass of wine is fine aswell.

have you tried an electric pump? you might get more out with one of those. someone on here is selling one actually. if you still can't get anything out let dh do things like bath time and getting him ready for bed so he gets to one to one time with him. use this time to put your feet up.

Sushi - Take it from me I am a crap mum as well. I have had 4 sons - my eldest boy is now 26 and in June guess what - HE AND HIS WONDERFUL PARTNER ARE GOING TO MAKE ME A GRAN!!!! I have tried to breastfeed twins, virtually impossible - I have thought I am doing great when I am failing in every task. I have thought I am failing in every task when I actually am doing damn fine! You are knackered. Everybody in your vicinity is knackered! Soon Spring will be here and then hopefully a warm Summer. About July you will look back and think 'I really cant remember what happened at the beginning of the year.' Be kind to your baby, and to you and smile and do the best you can do. Thinking about you always

i second nappyadict about the music and babygym. even just pointing him at a window with trees waving outside will please him.

apart from that you sound like you are doing a great job. don't try for perfection just love him and yourself!

all this non-stop stimulation and interaction is just modern nonsense, do you think your own mother worried if she wasnt stimulating you during your every waking moment?

If no-one else has mentioned it you could get a sling and carry him about the house with you while you get on with stuff. sing to him too.

oh, and by the way, i have the monopoly on crap-mummy-ness

At 8 weeks, put baby on boob, drink wine with your free hand, have DH feed you crisps with the other. Then cake and chocolate for afters. YOu need so many calories from BF you can't IME get them all from healthy food - it's about 1000 calories extra.

Watch whatever you like on TV. DS had reality TV non stop at 4 am and he's turned out to be a two year old genius

And the housework? That is not your job right now (or ever IMO). When he is two you won't be able to hoover for all the lego on the floor. It'll be grrrrreat (actually that last bit is a lie, you may have a hoover addict like my DS and have to hoover 3 times a day just because he insists -frustrated smiley-)

And I found expressing deeply unproductive and completely depressing. If DH really wants to feed baby tell him if he used the breastpump for 60mins a day he'd eventually produce milk himself (it's really true, that!!)

Please detail, precisely, the reasons why you are letting him down.... and please don't be scared of getting help for PND, because this was a red flag for me - that constant feeling of guilt and anxiety and "Letting everyone down" - and it's only now I can see that i was doing everything right, nothing wrong, and I was feeling like that because I was ill ...

And post natal depression is an illness you know. It's not contagious, but it is just as much an illness as glandular fever, measles or flu. It can be treated with medication, or with just support and time (although sometimes you will NEED medication) but one thing it is NOT is weakness. There is NOTHING more draining and miserable than post natal depression.

Sushistar - your post brought tears to my eyes, it was as if you'd written my feelings for me! My DD is 3 weeks old, and sleeps like an angel at night, only waking once.

I feel shite during the day though - I feel like I don't actively play with her enough, or even really know how. Between all the "wear your baby" and "help your baby settle into a routine" advice I don't know whether I'm ever getting it right for her. I try and eat right so that she gets what she needs from the milk but I know I'm not getting all the calories I need.

Last night she woke up screaming at 1.30 (which she's never done before) and through my utter incompetence it took me nearly ten minutes of her shrieking for me to realise her nappy had leaked and her babygrow was wet. This morning when we got up I was so knackered after her feed that her books etc. just ended up propped in front of her in the bed and I fell back to sleep. She was a star and carried on amusing herself with them for half an hour, but I felt bloody awful when I woke up! Then when she went back down for her nap this morning I still hadn't gotten things pulled round so she came to bed with me, rather than going in her cot so she's probably confused as hell now.

There is a logical side to my rapidly diminishing brain that says we're both probably worrying ourselves sick over things our LO's don't even notice. It doesn't take that sickening "not good enough" feeling away though does it?

Really hope you're feeling better. Just wanted you to know you're definitely not the only one feeling like this!

You cannot confuse a 3 week old baby. It's like saying a goldfish is confused - they don't have enough memory or expectations to get confused.

This "not knowing what's wring" goes on until they can talk, you know. You don't get a magic input of information telling you what they want. I still often don't know what my 21 month old wants - he just screams at me until I come up with the goods. In til they are properly articulate and can say "Mummy, my clothes are wet", why on Earth would you know? You found out eventually, well done!

Your baby will have forgotten about having wet clothes the very second he was dry. They don't care, you know - they just shout about what ever is bothering them right now. They don't remember.

it#'s not incompetence, it's normal. Would you think anyone else was incompetent if they had reacted with their baby as you had with yours? No? Then you are being unfair to yourself.

nappyaddict, we don't put him up earlier cos he sleeps in our bed cos I'm too lazy, basically, to sit up all night feeding so i put him in our bed and feed him lying down. And i don't know when his last feed before bed is. I really don't. When he looks hungry/cries/is upset (eg when he had his injections) I feed him. Everyone else seems to say 'oh yes, his next feed's at 5, then he has 1/2 hour of playing, then a bath and massage, then I put him down at 8 and he'll sleep to 11 when he's fed again...'
With us it's all so random. Stuff just happens, one after another. And I don't really want a strict routine etc, I like feeding him on demand, but then I think does that mean I'm not doing all the things I should or being organised enough... i mean dh and I don't even have a regular bedtime, so the baby sure as hell doesn't!
Colditz, I'm letting him down cos I drink more often than I should and sometimes don't talk to him etc even when I can see he's alert and interested - and probably even cos I'm on MN instead of doing one of the million things that need doing!
Thank you all for replying to my thread.

it's fine to feed him lying down ... lots of people do. but i do think you need some time in the evenings to yourself to relax. just put him up whenever his last feed before you go up is whether that be 6, 7, 8 whatever. then when you go up and he needs another feed fetch him out his crib/cot whatever and feed him in your bed and then put him back to sleep.

Sushi sleeping with him in your bed is not down to your laziness - it is the best option for you right now. I did this with DD2 until she was 8 months old as I was too physically tired to get up and put her back in her cot after a feed - it was so bad I nearly dropped her trying to put her back so I just let her sleep with us.

Who are these poeple who know when their babies next feed is 'due', then that the baby will want to play for 1/2 hour then have a bath and be massaged????? I just can't believe that is what actually happens, that may be the plan but I bet it rarely works out that way.

Your baby is far too young for you to know when he will want another feed, many people still can't work that out when the baby is 6 months and that doesn't allow for unexpected growth spurts, illness etc.

Feeding on demand is the best thing you can do for him. His body will tell him when he wants to sleep or eat. When he is older he will find his own routine and things will appear a bit more organised - this random bit doesn't really last all that long. Like shabster said, by summer this will all be a distant memory

You are doing exactly what I did with my two DCs and mine are now happy, contented, little ones.

Thanks Colditz.

Sushi - I'm so glad I came across this, I could have written your posts!
Only difference is my ds is 5 weeks old.
So I guess what are going through is pretty normal.
I do express enough for one feed on the night, it gets me one longer sleep during the night which is a big help as ds feeds every 1.5 - 2.5 hours. And every night is different.
The advice here given I think is very useful for me thanks ladies.
(Oh and ds and me have been watching Buffy and not Pearl Habour!)

Sushi

Some women are "naturals" when it comes to parenting

I, like MANY MANY (most?) others need to learn

You will get into a routine, you have had him for a blink of an eye, compared to the amount of time you DIDN'T have him

BTW, I remember not bathing ds for ages. Just seemed like there wasn't enough time in the day

It gets easier - trust us!!!

Sushi, give yourself a break. You've just had a baby. You're doing brilliantly.

It's all about finding your own way and what works for you. That takes a while and it can feel like you're fumbling around a lot for the way. But take your time. It took me at least 12 weeks to start a bedtime for my DCs

Don't worry. At 8 weeks, babies really just need to be loved, eat, sleep and look about themselves. You can chat to him whilst you get dressed, cook supper etc. That's plenty of stimulation. Really.

Even if you ate rubbish food, your breastmilk would still be fine for him. Very little alcohol gets through to the breastmilk. You need to unwind too.

I know it must seem hard to believe that you're doing well at something you've never ever done before and that is such a responsibility, but you are. You're not lazy. Or if you are, we all are.

Start relishing this time.

.

The very fact you're worried about it means you're a great mum, because you care about him! All he really wants is a mummy who loves him, honest!

You are doing fabulously well. I found after 8 weeks it got a little easier (well less hard) and more fun. After 4 months a little less hard after 7 months a lot less hard and actually really good fun and after a year I actually started to feel like myself again IYKWIM.
He is now 2 and a half and I still regularly beat myself up about things that are really of no consequence. Just off the top of my head...fussy eater and NO veg passed lips today...slept in our bed last night (woke up with a horrible cough and temperature and it was the quickest way to get him back to sleep after administering a slug of Calpol) did not go out of the house all day despite rare instance of sunshine due to sick child/waiting in for Amazon delivery/visit from father in law...Monday is hair washing and nail cutting day-didn't do either as couldn't face battle with ill and grouchy toddler-despite all this he is bright funny loving and adored by all. Don't bother about trying to be perfect-try and be happy-much better for you baby and DH.

I think at 8 weeks old, putting him to the breast is interaction enough, so tick that box.

Not having a routine is your choice and neither good nor bad.

Not bathing or changing him enough - well, I do think baby hygiene is important, but dh can help with that, it doesn't always have to be you. That's what he should be doing - not interfering with the bf relationship.

Re eating properly: please please do that! For you more than for the baby. Some one needs to make you a cake and a square meal. You sound a bit depressed to me. Who mothers the mother?

Instead of beating yourself up, be good to yourself with a few green veg and good quality protein.

Thank you everyone who replied to this thread. I'm feeling a lot better now and have got things in perspective a bit better. I think I was feeling a bit depressed (but didn;t actually have depression) but the sunshine and going out a bit has mde things look a lot less bleak. Thank you all for your kind encouragement.