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Original poster

The sadness of bringing home DC2

68 replies

LoveYouHoneybear · 17/12/2022 21:11

Did anyone else feel an overwhelming sense of sadness when bringing home DC2? Along with the happiness of having another baby, I can't help but feel so sad I will never have the same time for my DD1. She is only 20 months old and adjusting so well to her new little sister, but I am basically crying all day long thinking about how our lives have changed forever. I know they have changed in so many good ways, but I can't shake this sadness too! Would love anyone else's experience with this. Thank you.

OP posts:

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Sleeepdeprived · 17/12/2022 22:12

I’m glad to read all of these reassuring comments! I have a 2y/o and an 8 week old and I struggled so much with the mum guilt to begin with. I still do, but it is definitely getting better. I hate how I can’t give my eldest 100% of me and I hate how I can’t give my youngest the same version of me that my eldest got. I’m doing the best I can but it’s not enough really. I wish I could split myself in two to give them both 100% but I’m slowly realising and accepting that this is not possible.

Bluekerfuffle · 17/12/2022 22:12

The thought of how a second child would take time away from my first put me off having a second. I regret it now that it’s too late and think how much better off DS would be with a sibling.

StClare101 · 17/12/2022 22:16

I felt exactly the same. Our gap is 14 months (completely not planned, years of fertility issues made us complacent). I spent the whole pregnancy feeling guilty and that I was robbing DS of his babyhood.

It was hard. There were some very tough moments. But they are now best friends and look out for each other. I would do it this way again!

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KickHimInTheCrotch · 17/12/2022 22:18

I remember so clearly being in labour with DC2 and thinking I was going to die (there were complications) and only thinking about DD and leaving her without a mother and trying to focus on staying alive for her. It was my only strong memory of how I felt during those few days. I realised once DS was born and I was fixed up that I had done the best thing in the world for her by giving her a sibling. The 12 months after DS was born were the best 12 months of my life. I was on mat leave when she started reception so was there for every drop off and pick up. We had the whole of the school holidays together. DS was a dream baby and happily fitted in with our routine. He has never had so much of me and probably never will.

KylieKangaroo · 17/12/2022 22:23

I felt this massively, all the way through pregnancy and when my labour started I was crying as it meant it was no longer just me and DD! Needless to say it all worked out fine. Those first few weeks and months are tough 💜

LoopDiL00p · 17/12/2022 22:27

I felt the opposite, that DS2 will never have our undivided attention the way DS1 has had so far. So we asked MIL to keep DS1 an extra night so we could cherish those moments with DS2 before big bro returned home.

But 8 months on, I can't imagine having one without the other. They're an absolute team. DS1 won't leave for school unless he's given DS2 his goodbye cuddle and kiss, and he always looks for his baby brother first when he gets home. DS2's eyes light up the moment he sees his big brother and he's just in awe of him. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 17/12/2022 22:28

I felt exactly the same. It sounds dramatic but going from spending all my time with my eldest to being tied up with a newborn, I missed him so much. I felt like I was grieving my relationship with my first born. It was really, really hard for a few weeks but eventually that feeling started to lift. Try to spend a few minutes each day just you and your eldest, I think it really helps you both to adjust and eases the feeling of distance between you.

WimpoleHat · 17/12/2022 22:31

I know what you mean - but, honestly, the relationship that my DDs have with each other has been one of the most amazing parts of motherhood and is something that hugely benefits both of them. I’m sure you will see this develop over time with your girls too - and will forget these initial worries.

Juliejuly · 17/12/2022 22:35

One day, in the not too distant future, you will look at your two little girls and realise they have fallen in love with one another, and that you helped two little humans do that.
in the meanwhile, try to rest when you can and accept any offers of help, and of course, congratulations.

MissVantaBlack · 17/12/2022 22:48

I felt like this too OP, and I was a bit ambivalent to poor DD2 for the first couple of weeks. DD1 (who had just had her second birthday) was generally very good with DD2, although she did occasionally get frustrated when I had to stop to deal with DD2. Dd2 has always adored her big sister, and from 18 months they were the best of friends and played together all the time. They're teens now and still incredibly close. I hope they will always have this bond.

Congratulations on your baby. You've given your eldest child an amazing gift.

Yarboosucks · 17/12/2022 22:49

I can tell you what brings sadness, not bringing home DC2.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 17/12/2022 22:51

I was the exact same. I cried for nearly 2 weeks solid and felt so so guilty towards my eldest. It did pass though and it feels like it was never even an issue

WaddleAway · 17/12/2022 22:53

Yarboosucks · 17/12/2022 22:49

I can tell you what brings sadness, not bringing home DC2.

I’m very sorry to hear that.
The OP is still entitled to her feelings.

raspberrytinsel · 17/12/2022 22:53

ah @LoveYouHoneybear It will pass very quickly! you just need a small bit if a readjustment period.

WimbyAce · 17/12/2022 22:54

Not at all. Was the best thing ever for us. My only worry was how DD1 reacted as she had been saying she didn't want a baby! Thankfully she loved her immediately and has been the best big sister. She was 5 though so not sure if that makes the difference.

belwiz · 17/12/2022 23:09

Yes, I felt such a strong sadness for the first few weeks after DC2 was born, at what felt like the end of a special bond with my firstborn, and I hadn't anticipated feeling that way at all. I remember just sobbing, as I sat marooned on the sofa with my constantly feeding newborn, watching through the window my husband and DS1 walk off hand in hand up the street, and I missed being with him so much. He was only 20 months too when his little sis was born and despite all my plans to have lots of one to one time with him, it just wasn't possible for a while as DD had horrendous silent reflux and howled in pain for the first few months so I couldn't put her down much and didn't have any help till DH got home in evenings. As with so much things got better with time and fairly quickly too. Kids adapt, you adapt. Looking back 13 years later I still count it as one of the toughest times but have no regrets at all that I had them close together

belwiz · 17/12/2022 23:12

Yarboosucks, I'm really sorry for your loss

Twinmumandone18 · 17/12/2022 23:14

Yarboosucks · 17/12/2022 22:49

I can tell you what brings sadness, not bringing home DC2.

I’m so sorry xx

MrsJamin · 17/12/2022 23:14

Giving someone a sibling is the best present ever, just remember that.

Isthiscovid · 17/12/2022 23:24

Bakingdiva · 17/12/2022 21:23

Yes, I sobbed on and off for a few weeks before DC2 was born about how cruel I was turning poor DC1s life upside down, she hadn't chosen this, she wasn't going to be my only baby any more, how could we be so awful to her (on repeat in my head over and over).

There is 3.5 years between them and from the moment DC1 saw her little brother she has utterly adored him and he thinks she walks on water (excluding the bickering). DC2 is 3.5 now and they are the best of friends.

I blame the pregnancy / post natal hormones!

Exactly this, same age gap too. I took them to a Christmas music class today and they sat next to each other holding hands and dancing with each other the whole time. Their relationship is honestly the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed!

Just make it through the fog of the first few days/weeks, it will be OK I promise!

Hugasauras · 17/12/2022 23:30

I had this a few days after coming home. DH had popped to the shop and I was trying to feed a screaming DD2 while DD1 was trying to tell me something. She disappeared then I heard a scream, so I basically dumped my 3 day old baby on the floor and ran. She had been asking me to help her put sun cream on but had gone to do it herself when I was busy and sprayed herself in the eye I felt dreadful and when poor DH got home, we were all in tears, and I felt like I had let DD1 down so terribly.

It does pass. DD2 is 6mo now and they absolutely adore each other. They light up when they see each other.

Salome61 · 17/12/2022 23:47

I'm a 50's baby and my parents 'planned' the five year gap so I'd be at school while my Mum was at home with the baby. We never really became friends, I left infants when he started, etc. Your gap is great and they'll be friends for life x

Remaker · 17/12/2022 23:52

Yep! This was me. 17 months between my two. It passed fairly quickly. I just made sure that I had one on one time with DC1. When DC2 was having a nap we would do something fun together. I didn’t recruit DC1 into being a helper with the baby as it felt unfair to change their lives. Just kept treating them like the babies they both were!

LemonsAndCherries · 18/12/2022 00:27

A bit but mine are 9 and 8 now and each others best friend.

They are brothers and each others top defender. If one is hurt or sad, they are there.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

To give you the flip side, we had them so close together as I didn't want an only child and was worried about getting pregnant with no 2. I'm an only child and I missed (still do, perhaps more now that I see what a sibling is like) having a brother or sister. It was quite lonely at times. It's even worse now my parents are getting older and needing support and there's only me.

A sibling is an amazing gift to your first child.

DisneyChops · 18/12/2022 00:42

It's one of the reasons why I don't want a second. I would really, really struggle with this.

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