How much time with grandparents

[Emmamc93]

Hi I just came here for some unbiased opinions. I have a son who is 6 months and is a terrible sleeper if his routine is broke at all. My partners parents want to have him up to their house for afternoons / overnights but his routine is always broken and I end up awake half the night with him and exhausted. My partner thinks I should give in and let them take him more often, baring in mind they’ve had him two overnights within the last month, I’m still on maternity leave and rarely need childcare so don’t feel the need to get rid of him for the sake of it all when it makes my life more tiring and harder. I have explained to them they are more than welcome to visit whenever they like just call first to see if we’re sleeping ( still contact naps during the day ) but they don’t feel comfortable with this like they are not welcome because they have to call first to see if it suits. What do other people do about this situation and how do you make it work before I go crazy

Anyone any advice, they think even though we’re a couple he should take the baby up to theirs on Xmas for a couple of hours and then I’ll take him to my parents for a couple of hours separately which I don’t feel like leaving my baby on Xmas

Wtf that's bizarre

It doesn’t work for you so it’s a no from me.
on Xmas are they saying you leave the baby and go away or visit with the baby?

Wow, you need to make and maintain some serious boundaries. This is your baby, yours not theirs. If you don’t want them to have him on their own that’s fine! Likewise not having him away from you overnight.

There’s no benefit to a baby at all of a night away from mum and dad. If it benefits the parents and the baby and babysitters are happy that’s fine too but millions of babies don’t have overnights away, no grandparent is entitled to more time with an infant than the actual parents are happy with.

Just say you’re not doing it again until it’s your idea and if they push it put your foot down hard. You’re not happy being away from him, it unsettles him, it’s not just pointless but damaging, and you’ve changed your mind.

The Christmas thing is fucking batshit and very telling about what these people are really like.

You need to trust your instincts, you have them for good reason, and you need to stick up for yourself and your child.

Yeah for Xmas they mean my partner take the baby up to them for the morning and then me collect him for the afternoon. I just feel as if they want to play house with him and them and my partner maintain I have seperation anxiety from my child when all I want is to keep him in a good routine when they’re more than welcome to visit or we’ll call up and visit them. They see him about 2/3 times a week as it is

My partner thinks I should give in and let them take him more often

This is really worrying too. It suggests he’s prioritising their feelings over your and your son’s needs. Is he scared of them? Got form for being spineless for an easy life?

If he won’t stick up for you you’ll have to get pretty tough on your own. Not easy but essential and worth it.

Absolutely no need for children if any age to be farmed out to relatives unless you want to do it . Our eldest was very attached to my mum , we lived with her for about a year when he was about 9 months old , so when we moved into our new place he used to go regularly to sleep over . Our younger one never spent a night anywhere as a child because she didn’t want to . WRT Christmas get people to visit you or you all go to his parents for a couple of hours and then all go to your parents , in whatever order .

No way! That Xmas set up is insane, your child should be with you on Xmas.

I think they’re overstepping your boundaries.
I would not have been comfortable in letting my 6month old have two overnights away from me in a month at that age as I would have felt it was too young and would have had separation anxiety.
I think it is a bit of a red flag that they refuse to come to your house to see him - very unreasonable of them to say that they don’t want to phone to check first.
For Christmas Day - his 1st! - no you will not allow him to be taken from you. Are you not invited to theirs? If not that’s very strange behaviour and another red flag to think it’s acceptable for baby’s first Christmas to leave the mother at home without her baby!
Also surely baby can’t know them that well if they don’t come to your house - and then he’s spending nights alone in their company without his mum!
You need to put your boundaries in place!
He doesn’t do overnights or afternoons away from you in the 1st year unless YOU ask for it.

Sorry just seen your update that they see him 2/3 times a week so that cancels out my comment that baby doesn’t know them but raises another issue that they are there far too much!
Once a week is more than enough!
The Christmas thing is disgraceful on their part!

This is ridiculous and completely unreasonable.

Gaslighting is way over-used on MN, but suggesting you have 'separation anxiety' because you don't want to be exited from your child and partner's reality for random periods of time is gaslighty af.

You come as a package with your baby for as long as you think right and appropriate. No-one else decides that for you, and you don't have to justify it as being about his sleep or routine or anything else.

FWIW I think 2-3 visits a week is already completely mad, and my oldest is 3 and has never had a night away from us.

Never apologise, never explain - but do stand up for yourself. This sounds miserable.

I only asked for the two overnights as it was his christening so we were going out after and then the other one we asked them to take him as he was sleeping horrible so wanted a nights sleep to work on sleep training from the following night so they were on our part but they feel as though they should be able to ask for him when it suits them and when he goes there they never stick to my routine as they feel his own routine works best (he’s 6 months old and would happily not nap all day if I let him and then be a demon baby from 2pm to bedtime)

OK, good to hear the overnights weren't something you were asked for, but you may have made a bit of a mistake there. Why not ask for help at home?

Blurred boundaries are very useful to people who are inclined to overstep. In laws and others amongst them!

Not a chance it's your first Christmas as a family they can either come if they want on Xmas morning or you see them on boxing day.
Their grandson and your child is not a plaything and that much travelling about in 1 day is way to much for a baby!

Say no enjoy a Christmas as a 3! Also tell your DP that he needs to establish boundaries with his parents your child is not a bloody trophy item!

Don't be forced into anything you don't want to do. My baby is 6 months and my MIL is constantly asking to have the baby stay at hers and I am just not ready for it. She says it every time I see her, it drives me mad. The more she says it the less I want to.

She lives an hour and a half away from us and they visit usually every 2 weeks, it would be much more if she had her way but life is busy and it just doesn't fit in. I also don't see my parents every week so I'm not favouring them.

Just say no. My twins are 16 months now and PIL are only just having them for a few hours at our house.

My eldest has never had a night away from us and she’s 4. It just hasn’t felt right and she wouldn’t want to anyway. Although she does go to grandparents for the day sometimes.

6 months is tiny. I probably would have had some sort of panic attack being apart from my babies at that age. My in laws are great actually and have never pressured us into anything. I don’t think they’d cope with the twins anyway 🤣

I'm confused by this.
Surely - if that is what you want to do, all 3 of you would go to the one set of Grandparents, and then all 3 of you would move to the other Grandparents' house (presuming you are local and want to see them all).
This just sounds bizarre.

Christmas situation is just a straight up no and not sure why this would ever be a plan!
I'm on the same page as you re: phoning before visiting or arranging the visit, I hate unannounced visitors and it is nothing to do with people not being welcome!
As for overnight stays, I may be unusual but my first night away from my baby was at 10 months, but he was sleeping at our house with grandparents staying over. He hasn't had an overnight stay elsewhere, I'd be comfortable with it now, just there hasn't been a need for him to sleep elsewhere.
What it comes down to is what you want and what you are comfortable with, not what they want or what other people do. I have friends whose babies went to grandparents for sleepovers early on as that is what worked for them, maybe I'm just a bit odd but it would definitely not be happening at 6 months!

Be nice, but firm. Stick to your guns. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Thanks everyone for your advice, he’s my first baby so I didn’t know if I was being overly protective and they all like to claim I need to see a doctor as I’ve got separation anxiety and after hearing it a few times I started to doubt myself

I don’t want to get him watched and love to be with him so I just didn’t understand why I should be giving up my time with him for no reason when I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I think partner thought he would be up there a couple of times a week from birth so he feels I’m keeping him from them as some sort of grudge but I just think if they want to spend time with him they can visit. It feels as if they want their own family unit with themselves, partner and baby and to keep me out of it as much as possible

His family wanting to see your baby without you and separate you from him is actually very worrying. What if you were breastfeeding?

Stand firm and do what you want. Your partner should be supporting what YOU want, not what his parents want.

We had our parents look after our child sometimes from being an newborn, they got to see him and we got to have a break

He was happy with them and sure we missed him but he was safe and loved, I didn't feel I had to be attached to him 24/7

If it needs to spelled out it is up to others what they do but I find it odd when new parents complain they are exhausted and not coping and have loving parents to look after the baby why they don't take up the offer but each to their own

What do other people do about this situation and how do you make it work before I go crazy

My child, my rules and I prioritise my child above anyone else. I'd rather hurt inlaws feelings than my child being less comfortable.

The earlier you start doing this, the quickest they learn to listen to you instead of this bullshit. And I hate surprises so no dropping by.

OP keep your baby with you. Don’t feel under pressure to part him. I’ve seen this with some friends actually. The in laws (baby’s dads parents) push and push for extra time and get demanding because they assume the baby will have a closer bond with the mothers family.

Their actions usually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Hold firm on boundaries and make a stand. And most importantly of all don’t feel guilty!!

This all sounds too much. Too many visits. I wouldn’t even contemplate any overnights and no way would I even entertain the Christmas shit. Your instincts are bang on don’t let them bully you into thinking you are wrong.

If you were up to your eyes busy and wanted a break to sleep or to do X, Y, Z and if you asked your DH to please take your baby out for a walk for an hour or two on any other day and he opted to go there fine. But to deliberately want to plan ahead to split up your family intentionally on Christmas day deliberately leaving you out of the equation when your a couple and a family (not separated or divorced is plain weird/cruel and will pave the way for future Christmas expectations). It sounds like they PIL want you out of the way while they play at pretending its their baby not their GC. If it works for you and you may want this further down the line, then great but if it doesn’t work for you don’t feel brow beaten into agreeing something you don’t want, need or feel comfortable with.

I had no extended family support and I was shattered. I would have loved for my family who weren’t interested or IL’s (who lived to far away) to visit baby often to show a little more than either did and I would have been ok if they took baby out for a walk in the pram for an hour or if they occasionally babysat for an occasional hour or two at my house but I honestly couldn’t have coped with overnights away from my baby when they were still young babies.