How much time with grandparents

[Emmamc93]

Hi I just came here for some unbiased opinions. I have a son who is 6 months and is a terrible sleeper if his routine is broke at all. My partners parents want to have him up to their house for afternoons / overnights but his routine is always broken and I end up awake half the night with him and exhausted. My partner thinks I should give in and let them take him more often, baring in mind they’ve had him two overnights within the last month, I’m still on maternity leave and rarely need childcare so don’t feel the need to get rid of him for the sake of it all when it makes my life more tiring and harder. I have explained to them they are more than welcome to visit whenever they like just call first to see if we’re sleeping ( still contact naps during the day ) but they don’t feel comfortable with this like they are not welcome because they have to call first to see if it suits. What do other people do about this situation and how do you make it work before I go crazy

My kids love their grandparents (both sets) and see them fairly often, probably once a week or once every couple of weeks. Usually they come to us, sometimes they go over to them. They have never stayed overnight anywhere without me - though once I went away with my husband overnight to a wedding and Grandma came to watch them here at home. I know I go too far the other way, but I say that to say this. Your in-laws are doing to much. They need to chill and leave YOUR baby alone until you are comfortable to make these decisions. There is no need to rush, goodness, your baby is so little.

Oh yeah, my kids are 4 and 6 and still home with with mummy every night.

I feel your pain.

My partners family created this huge problem about how they don't see my DS enough, that I'm preventing them from having a relationship with him and sent me messages and messages of abuse.

Anyway - with massive reluctance I agreed they could have him every other Monday, and they've not once turned up.

They seem to think they have grandparental rights. I now avoid them as much as possible and see them at Christmas and birthdays (if I can't get out of it). Good luck OP x

Unless there’s a custody order involved, there’s no way in Hell my baby would be away from me on the holidays.

Totally unreasonable for them to expect you to leave your own baby on Christmas Day. How weird!

Your PIL are being absolutely batshit.

They've had their babies, they don't get to call the shots with yours.

If the overnights aren't helpful to you- say no. They've absolutely gaslighting you in making you doubt whether there is something wrong with you.

Most mothers wouldn't want their routine messed up.

Most mothers wouldn't want to be away from their small babies overnight or on Christmas morning.

This is your maternity leave with your baby, don't waste it pleasing these selfish people.

Be confident when you say no. 'No, that doesn't work for me; thank you for the offer, I'll let you know if I ever need a break again.'

Your DH needs a talking to.

I'm a loving grandma and get on well with my DD. But sleepovers didn't start until DGD was 2, and initially at DD's request. Now DGD at 3 will ask for them!

I've never heard of anyone's DH taking a baby to their parents (without their wife/partner) at Christmas. That's madness. You choose where the three of you having Christmas together, and visit or are visited, as a three.

You DH is acting as if your child belongs equally to his parents.

My youngest is over 7 months and only had two overnights away so far.

He goes to my step mums all day once a week and has done since 10 weeks when I returned to work and my DH sister has had him twice during the day when we both were at work. We usually both work 4 days so only the one crossover and no need for overnights.

I wouldn't let my children go overnight anywhere for no reason either, tell them you're saving their offers for when you're back to work and actually need it?

I think partner thought he would be up there a couple of times a week from birth

That's so weird. Where did he get that idea? Who does that?

Do you have parents around, OP?

Don't let them convince you that they need this to form a bond with your child. See this so much on here.

My DD is 12 and has an amazing relationship with her granny - stays with her on her own for a week in the summer, they FaceTime regularly etc. But she didn't stay overnight with her until she was about 7. Until then we went and stayed there together. Your child has years ahead to do this but when you and he are ready.

As for Christmas, that's just odd. Your DP should be backing you up, what they are suggesting isn't normal

They are really weird. My dd was nine (years) when she slept anywhere but at home without us. And she has a wonderful and close relationship with her grandparents.

Conversely, I never felt the need to 'have a break' from my own children.

The OP isn't exhausted or complaining. She's fine looking after her own baby.

Your partner thinks you have separation anxiety from your baby???!!

He's batshit and has missed the point. It's not separation anxiety (well not in a negative way anyhow) it's entirely normal and natural for a mother to want to be with her 6 month old child. To call it anxiety is silly.

Tell your in-laws you you're not doing overnights anymore. And don't let anyone dictate Christmas to you! This is your first Xmas as a family. They're over exited because they've got a new grand baby but really letting that excited make they forget to respect normal boundaries. You have be assertive without being aggressive, it's a skill but once mastered can make life easier!

Buy the idiots a Baby bloody Annabelle doll.
Your dp is a dick.

Just say no - they are demanding too much.

Tbh if they’re honestly suggesting you need medical help with a mental illness when you just want to spend time with your very young baby - normal, healthy, shows how well bonded both it you are - I’d stop seeing them at all. They’re trying to suggest you’re ill rather than normal.

Why did your partner want a baby if he was planning to ship it off a few times a week?

You’re a normal loving mum. You’re facing an uphill battle to get the very people who should be supporting you to respect that instead of undermining you and literally making you doubt your sanity.

FWIW my DD is incredibly close to my mum, they adore each other. We’ve seen mum one or twice a week since she was born, DH and I are both close to mum and she’s a big part of our lives. DD is 3 and often has a day at mum’s but hasn’t spent an overnight there. The reason we all have such a happy lovely bond is that my mum is completely respectful and considerate of what’s best for DD, and for DH and me, and that hasn’t been nights away from her parents. We don’t want a break overnight, when we do mum will happily have DD overnight but it’s not an essential part of a grandparent bonding with a child.

She isn't complaining and doesn't enjoy the break. In fact she copes a lot better without their interference as it disrupts the babies sleeping routine.

And it's not loving to gaslight and bully the OP into being apart from her baby.

What nightmare in-laws! How dare they put pressure on you to be away from your own baby on their first Christmas!

Sounds like they are trying to relive the experience of having a child - bit that’s not what being a grandparent is about. It’s about offering your support to the parents and being a loving, uncomplicated presence in the child’s life. Not parenting them and trying to take over.

You need to put your foot down or this will only get worse. You have been more than accommodating saying that they can come over for visits if they call ahead.

I don’t get what their problem is with that - if you give them a time they will end up coming over during a nap and be disappointed - you can’t win!

Bizarre behaviour, what’s the obsession with them having him alone and overnight - you’re on maternity leave and you want to spend it with your baby. Mines 2 and still not had a night away, and I don’t feel the need to have one either - it’s not separation anxiety, just normal parent behaviour to be near your children!