Biological father wanting to see son after 6 years, need help

[thelionkinggonegal]

Hi everyone,

So to make it quick I had my son 6 years ago with someone who basically left me while I was pregnant when he really wanted to have a baby. He did not get involved whatsoever, so did not come at the birth or legally recognized my son I was left all alone to raise him. I have not heard from him in the past 6 years just knew he was living abroad.
Since then I've rebuilt my life and met the most amazing man that took me and my son and now we are growing our family. My life has been so good since I've met him and my son (even though he knows he's not his biological father) considers him his daddy. My plan was for my partner to adopt my son so we can be one happy united family.
However, I've been contacted by my son's biological father recently, saying he now wants to have a relationship with my son after 6 years of radio silence. He's obviously a complete stranger to my son and I'm scared it's going to mess up his stability as I know now this person can't be trusted. I would be so scared to have him around visiting and don't think it's fair either that he could just enjoy the "good stuff" aka have a nice relationship visiting from time to time like he's been asking for, when he does not bare any of the responsibilities I have been facing over the past 6 years. It is also unfair regarding my partner who has been a full on dad to my son for the past 5 years raising him like his own.

What do you think about this situation? What should I do and say to the biological father? Does he have any visits rights given that he did not recognize my son?

Thanks for your help

The rights are with your son, not your current partner or ex. Your son has the right to know who his father is. I would suggest that the ex starts with indirect contact only (letters/cards/photo/gift) once a month for 6 months and if he keeps that up could be introduced in person for short meetings to build up to proper time if and when the father proves he is consistent.
You can call the shots but what you shouldn't do is say a flat no because it will mess up your current arrangements.

This must be very difficult for all of you. I think you need to centre your DS in this and think only of him (as hard as that may be for you and your DP). You probably need to have a lot of conversation with your ex before going ahead with any contact.

Do you want him to go to Court, fight you and be awarded more than you are prepared to give? As that's what he can easily do if you try to prevent him seeing your joint son.

Whether your partner did end up adopting your son or not, at some point your son would have wanted to know who his biological father is.

I suggest you:

1. Tell the father the truth. That you are wary of him having a relationship with your joint son as you are scared he will just walk out on him again leaving the boy extremely distressed.
2. Tell the father as they don't know one another he and your joint son need to start meeting gradually. Then ask him how he proposes doing that.
3. Make it clear to the father if at anytime the 6 year old needs to take a step back in the gradual get to "know each other" plan it's because the child is 6, it needs to happen and is not a reflection on him.

It is possible for your son to have a happy relationship with his biological father and his step-father. It just means all adults have to remember the situation is not the child's fault and act like adults.

I think you need to find out what his motivations are for this.

It seems to be relatively common for an absent father to get into a new relationship with someone who has or wants children, and for him to then play up his dad credentials to try and impress her, only to then disappear again when the relationship doesn’t work out.

But he could have had an epiphany moment about what a terrible human being he is and want to change it

You need to speak to him first to establish what has prompted this and what research/prep HE has done about how to establish a relationship, to see if this is serious, or something possibly short term

Do not volunteer to give any contact even indirect as this will just enable him to ask for more in court. If he is serious about wanting a relationship, let him go through the court see if he really is ready to walk the walk or is he just going to mess up with your kid's head and your lives.

Is he on birth certificate? As pp said, let him apply through courts.

Have anyone close to you been through the Family Courts?

If they had you would know except in cases of abuse you have to go to mediation first and if either party refuses mediation it can work against them.

I agree with CloseYourEyesAndSee.

Although it's really hard to go through this and to set aside the injustice of it all and the worry that he might disappear again and hurt your son, this is ultimately about your son's right to know his father, regardless of how that might affect the adults involved and their previous plans.

Obviously it will take some time to come to terms with the fact that your family life might end up looking slightly different from how you've envisaged it over the past six years, so give yourself some time to process it all before refusing anything or changing anything. Obviously depending on how you've explained things to your son already, he will need some time to process this new information too, once you know what his dad is proposing.

It doesn't sound like you know all the details about how serious or genuine he is about contact and what's trigged this sudden change, etc, so it sounds like there's a lot to discuss with him and boundaries to agree before contact would be happening anyway.

Also, does your son already have a passport? If not, I would apply for it so that you have it, since his father lives abroad (to make it harder for him to be taken abroad without your knowledge).

If you can afford it, Op. it's probably worth paying to see a solicitor who is an expert in family law. They can spell out exactly what everyone's rights are and what the legal protocol is in a case like this.

It must be exceptionally difficult for you. Offering a handhold.

Yes they have (close family friend) but it was a long time ago; over 20 years. I assume things are different now. The person I knew was the DF. I can’t remember if they had mediation but they ended up in court after his ex breaking the order repeatedly.

IMO this is extremely poor advice

Making it adversarial from the get go on isn't going to help anybody, and the child may resent OP for it when he grows up

The child is the priority here

It's very different now. Refusing to negotiate over contact and forcing the other parent into court is a very bad strategy unless there are genuine and strong safety reasons not to enable contact.

Yes his dad is clearly a first class twat but unfortunately the right thing to do is allow him to see him - however with shit hot boundaries as other have stated and I’d def do something g like previous OP suggested, can he write a letter a month consistently for 6 months? I bet not!

This is because the child has rights while the parents have responsibilities.

The Courts don't actually want to see parents they want them to sort it out themselves.

Unfortunately if the OP tries a 6 month letter writing thing and the father doesn't agree, she could very easily end up in Court with the father arguing she is trying to block his relationship with their son.

I had this, except my DD was 10. Whilst she knew my partner wasn't her dad, she's never asked any questions and I had decided from her being little I wouldn't go into detail until she asked and therefore emotionally ready to discuss it.

I was randomly contacted by him via Instagram. He has a wife and two small children - my DDs half brothers. He seemed stable and genuine. But there was always that niggle of why now? What would it do to my DD knowing he had never reached out to her before. So knowing that when things like this go to court, mediation is organised and professional people who know how to deal with these kind of things would be involved. Ultimately, they would decide how best to handle this, and as a family we would also be guided by what my DD wanted. So I told him if he was serious, to go see a solicitor and do it via the right channels. She's 14 now and I never heard anything from him again. He disappeared just as quickly as he re-appeared.

And I would hope that in this case the court would see that OP was trying to build things up gradually for the sake of her son.

I know not all judges are the same but I’d say 80% of those in my local court would look at it that way.

I agree @AssumingDirectControl it's very sensible to do it gradually when there is zero relationship.

Absent fathers who reappear on the scene shouldn't expect the mother to bend over backwards to accommodate them, shifting the child back and forth. Nor expect the child to even want to see them.

You build up that relationship and acknowledge you screwed up before and this is what you have to do.

I imagine I this situation, op would have skilled legal representation anyway, so doubt a judge would look unfavourably. Why would they?

The "get go" passed six years ago when he decided to leave.. Her role is to safeguard her child, a human being, not a TV series for someone to dip in and out of as they please, leaving her to pick up the psychological damage of her repeatedly abandoned child.

How on earth is she going to know if there are any safety concerns if he cut contact for 6 years. That on it's own is a safety red flag. He has a lot of explaining and proving to do before he can claim any entitlement to contact.

Totally agree with this. Any decision made should be focused up on your sons best interests. Usually it is best to have some, even if minimal, contact with biological parents. He shouldn’t expect to just Waltz in and have weekly contact, but small contact building up like this poster suggests sounds very sensible to me.

If the court can get upset for a mum trying to protect her child after a father goes AWOL for 6 years than they are seriously demented and do not have the child's best interest at heart but pleasing families need fathers billionaire lobby pervs.

This would be my approach..

What sort of a man was he previously? Very young , drug user ?

The son had half of his childhood without his father giving a toss about whether he is dead or alive. She obviously miraculously managed the situation with a positive outcome for the child. Children need love support and routine. He is not a father, he gave up being a father 6 years ago.

Indirect contact to prove intention and consistency is commonly ordered by the courts so if he refused to engage that wouldn't reflect well on his motivation