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Original poster

Extremely worrying behaviour from DS

37 replies

pljftu · 13/12/2022 10:59

My ex has our DS (age 4) on Thursday and Friday nights, however it seems to be his parents who do most of the work. He works away, but I do know he is often out with friends when he's back and meant to have DS. He lives with his parents.

I work/study full time, my parents help with childcare. They're long, funny hours. DS is perfectly fine for them and well behaved.

He is in full time childcare.

It has come to light that he has been having spectacular meltdowns at his childcare setting and when at his dad's house.

The last time he was there, he apparently threw his dinner across the room, repeatedly hit the dog, hit, kicked and punched his grandparents, said he was going to cut his grandad's stomach out and more. Apparently the meltdown went on for hours and reduced both grandparents to tears. They rang my parents to express their concerns. It's been going on for weeks apparently.

They at first said they want to now have him for three nights a week, but now say they want to drop it to just one night and see if things improve before building it back up.

He also made the childminder cry last week.

He is never like this for me or my parents?! Ever. It's like they are describing a different child.

What would you suggest? I am at a loss. I'm really concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
pljftu · 13/12/2022 11:13

Shameless bump

OP posts:
TalkToTheHand123 · 13/12/2022 11:19

How do they all deal with the kickoffs? Must admit I sometimes shout, but try calm myself asap after.

I was told by a few people kiss never hit their grandparents! My dd6 does and I agree it is totally unacceptable.

My advice would be to take him to a naughty step / mat, even just a few times if you don't have the energy for a full on battle. This seems to be the most effective way.

TalkToTheHand123 · 13/12/2022 11:20

*kids not kiss

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Original poster
pljftu · 13/12/2022 11:21

Thank you. He is absolutely fine with me and my parents.

It's his childminder and other set of grandparents who are worried.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 13/12/2022 11:22

My advice would be to take him to a naughty step / mat, even just a few times if you don't have the energy for a full on battle

This is terrible advice! Especially with the information OP has provided.

Exactly how do you think an extremely upset & volatile 4 yo will respond to this?

And it's a horrible isolating way to treat any child.

TalkToTheHand123 · 13/12/2022 11:23

Advise them to do it. Try find out a bit more info on what triggers the situations.

upfucked · 13/12/2022 11:23

4 different places is a lot of a 4 year old to be. Can this be reduced?

Tirrrrred · 13/12/2022 11:23

He's probably fed up being sent to his dad, both sets of grandparents, you then nursery.

I know it can't be helped and you have no other option but he's just come out of the toddler stage. Probably tired and having 5 lots of rules at 5 different places must be difficult.

Tirrrrred · 13/12/2022 11:24

@upfucked Ah your comment wasn't there when I wrote mine.

TalkToTheHand123 · 13/12/2022 11:24

No isolation needed. The chances are they won't stay there and you can stay with them at all times, just sometimes talking doesn't register.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/12/2022 11:25

OP, first of all you need to talk directly to your ex & his parents about what is going on. (Not through your parents).

Secondly, and I appreciate you've long hours & are doing your best, but it sounds like your DS is being cared for by others a lot - 3 nights a week with GPs? It might just be too much.

And finally, have you asked DS what is going on from his perspective?

RoseslnTheHospital · 13/12/2022 11:26

The childminder is not being helpful here, she should be keeping a record of when the meltdowns happen and what the circumstances are to try to see if there are any patterns in what triggers them. Ditto with the grandparents if they are able/willing to. Have you asked your DS what's upsetting him at the childminders and his grandparents?

SunshineClouds1 · 13/12/2022 11:26

I agree he's all over the place. I know it's not ideal with your hours but I think things need tweaked.

EarringsandLipstick · 13/12/2022 11:27

TalkToTheHand123 · 13/12/2022 11:24

No isolation needed. The chances are they won't stay there and you can stay with them at all times, just sometimes talking doesn't register.

You're not even making sense.

Yes, most likely they won't stay there. That's why it won't work; her DS will continue tantrumming so it won't help at all.

N4ish · 13/12/2022 11:27

Can you cut down on the number of days/nights he spends away from you? Sounds like he's very unsettled and needs more consistency and focused attention. Please don't encourage grandparents to try naughty step for a clearly distressed child!

Original poster
pljftu · 13/12/2022 11:28

I have spoken to him about it and can't get an answer, he says he doesn't know why he behaves like that.

His dad lives with his parents, so it's just one household.

OP posts:
colouringindoors · 13/12/2022 11:29

Have you talked about this with your parents?

Are you able to chat with your son about his feelings are childminders/parents in law? I could imagine that at pil he may be struggling/upset with fact his dad's not there and lashing out at gp? How often is he at childminders. Conversations around what to do when we feel angry - give him practical strategies as far as is poss with a 4 year old. I think trying to chat about feelings, you don't want him to feel so sad/angry etc is impt.

Being very clear that certain behaviour is not acceptable and has immediate consequences eg removal of something he likes (eg tech). Needs to be immediate so he can connect action with consequence. Talk to childminder and pil so they're clear how to respond to bad behaviour and its consistent across settings. He is split between your house, your parents, ex's patents and childminder which tho I know that's life, can be hard for some kids, unsettling.

💐

Beamur · 13/12/2022 11:33

A meltdown is a symptom of your son literally getting to the end of his ability to emotionally regulate. He's not happy.
Depending on the relationship between you and your ex, I would be trying to get to the bottom of what they are doing differently to you.

colouringindoors · 13/12/2022 11:34

As others have said, don't isolate/naughty step.

The chats need to happen closer to the event, when he's calmed fown and feels safe again.
This approach is very helpful:

Extremely worrying behaviour from DS
colouringindoors · 13/12/2022 11:37

As others have said I'd look at ways of significantly reducing time away from you and your parents as these are the places he's secure.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/12/2022 11:42

This is probably going to be too tricky - Can you maybe see each other together? Almost like 'settling in', do a few morninge with his other grandparents or something? If he's unsettled sometimes this might help with the places that he's struggling. You might also get to see what's going on.

I think you should ask both grandparents and childminders to keep a log of any meltdowns, what happened just before and when to see if there are any patterns.

4 is also old enough to ask him, has he said why he gets upset there?

Sugargliderwombat · 13/12/2022 11:45

Sorry just seen he doesn't know why he does it - maybe help with some calming down strategies ? Teaching him to notice when he feels angry and to take some breaths or drink some water. Sounds silly but naming and recognising the feeling and having one small strategy can help. The childminder and GPS can then use the same things you do

RoseslnTheHospital · 13/12/2022 11:45

It's interesting that both the childminder and the grandparents were "reduced to tears" in front of your 4 year old. It does seem to suggest that none of them have any effective strategies for managing upset and resulting poor behaviour. The childminder in particular should be telling you what she's doing to anticipate and manage any issues, rather than just telling you about the meltdowns with no apparent strategies to deal with them.

Do you know what strategies the grandparents and the childminder use for behaviour management?

Laisydaisy · 13/12/2022 11:46

It is very worrying that some of the adults looking after your DS have not kept you updated about his behaviour and distress. That gap in communication is an important issue in terms of his care and wellbeing.

The more everyone is connected up and talking the more secure your DS will feel. It’s important.
Do you drop him off at your ex’s parents and chat to them? it might be easier for your DS if you went to the house sometimes with him. Perhaps picking him up from there and chatting with them for a while - generally and also about how his time there has been - before you take him home.
it is a lot of change your DS is dealing with constantly. We might well find it hard as adults let alone as a 4 year old who has no choice in the matter.
Your DS is acting out in an extreme way. He is very angry and upset. And he may well be feeling insecure and anxious. It seems as if he doesn’t get to spend much time with either of his parents - at least during the week - and is also moved from one place to another frequently. Pretty tough.
Lots of chats and reassuring needed all round on a frequent basis.

ClaudiusTheGod · 13/12/2022 11:50

pljftu · 13/12/2022 11:28

I have spoken to him about it and can't get an answer, he says he doesn't know why he behaves like that.

His dad lives with his parents, so it's just one household.

Of course you won’t get an answer. He’s 4. He won’t have the understanding, he won’t have the vocabulary. Adults don’t know why they do things half the time, why would a 4 year old?

I know it’s difficult to hear, but I’ve seen this in children I’ve taught whose time is significantly split between different carers. He needs a secure, permanent base. He may not be able to explain it to you but his behaviour is telling you this.