Extremely worrying behaviour from DS

[pljftu]

My ex has our DS (age 4) on Thursday and Friday nights, however it seems to be his parents who do most of the work. He works away, but I do know he is often out with friends when he's back and meant to have DS. He lives with his parents.

I work/study full time, my parents help with childcare. They're long, funny hours. DS is perfectly fine for them and well behaved.

He is in full time childcare.

It has come to light that he has been having spectacular meltdowns at his childcare setting and when at his dad's house.

The last time he was there, he apparently threw his dinner across the room, repeatedly hit the dog, hit, kicked and punched his grandparents, said he was going to cut his grandad's stomach out and more. Apparently the meltdown went on for hours and reduced both grandparents to tears. They rang my parents to express their concerns. It's been going on for weeks apparently.

They at first said they want to now have him for three nights a week, but now say they want to drop it to just one night and see if things improve before building it back up.

He also made the childminder cry last week.

He is never like this for me or my parents?! Ever. It's like they are describing a different child.

What would you suggest? I am at a loss. I'm really concerned.

The arrangement is not working for him

nit sure if you’ve even picked up on it - but you’ve said that your parents help with childcare while his parents do the work that he should be doing

so I’d say it’s not working for you either and there’s a whole mess of adult emotions that he’s picking up on

id say try and sort that out and then see if he still has behavior problems.

I'd say he's desperate for more time with you. That's why he's losing it pretty much every where else. He's being passed around an awful lot by the sounds of it and he's only 4. It's all too much for him.

It's all well and good saying things like "it's all too much for him", "he's seeing too many people", "he needs routine", but this is modern life. It's how to cope in these circumstances.

The focus needs to be how to help those looking after him who are struggling by finding out what they are doing and giving tips to cope / improve the behaviour.

I agree it may all be too much for him.

When my Dd was about 3 we moved overseas, and I put her into a nursery 3/4 mornings a week. The nursery said she was fine, but her behaviour with me in the afternoons was very hit or miss. At first I thought it was tiredness. Then I was able to get her into another nursery that friends recommended.

The behaviour stopped straight away. I believe she was struggling at the first nursery, but was unable to voice her distress.

He sounds angry. Possibly because he rarely sees his dad and doesn't get enough time with you?

He's OK with you and your parents - do you live with your parents? If you do then it seems he's fine at 'home' and angry when not at home ie dads and childminder.

Could he be feeling abandoned by you and dad? Not saying that to be mean but looking at what big feeing he may be struggling with.

More is being asked of this child than of the adults around him. I expect they only spend their nights in one place, for example. This kid is almost an itinerant. Wherever he lays his hat is his home. It’s beyond his control and is not his choice. His behaviour is demonstrating his distress.

If he’s in full time childcare, and goes to dad/grans two days/nights a week, and he’s cared for by your parents the days he’s with you - on top of full-time childcare - so this is what, mornings and evenings? It sounds like that is just too many settings. Not enough routine.

Even if he is with each carer on the same
day each week. I have a four year old, they don’t understand days of the week enough to remember that e.g. mondays and tuesday grandad does bedtime, Wednesday it’s mummy, thursday and friday its other grandparents. To them, it just feels like a lack of routine and total chaos.

And I say that as a parent who has always worked full time, used childcare and grandparent care. So I’m not trying to shame you. But we notice definite deterioration in our DCs behaviour if they spend too many afternoon/evenings and weekends with their grandparets as well as being at school all week. At the end of the day, he wants to chill at home with mummy.

Could you re-arrange it so your ex has him when you are working - just guessing, eg if you’re a nurse and do three long shifts, can he have them those three evenings only , every week? And then you can have your child for a quiet routine at home every other day of the week?

I would like to offer some advice and reassurance because I went through the same thing with my daughter. I have also worked with children for years.

One thing I picked up on is that the child has a very tiring schedule being with different people. He may feel over stimulated and tired. My daughter at that age was a handful in different environments but much better at home & with the mum. One thing I can tell u is that it's normal for a child to become disruptive if there is different parental methods such as authority or discipline. But also observe the other environments if anything is triggering of the aggressive episodes. My daughter used to scream so much in other peoples houses because she hated crowds & too much noise. Even though she is not autistic. It was a case of being used to a quite home of just me & her. I hope this has shed some light. Plz don't worry too much but definitely just observe where he is lashing out. Sit with him & ask him to draw pictures of where he stays. It might help him communicate through play what the issue is.

Please be aware that young children being a model of compliance in one setting and then having aggressive meltdowns in another, generally means that they are masking as hard as they can to stay safe when they are being 'good' and can't keep it up any longer once they get home.

I would suggest that this child sees his grandparent house - where he lives with his Dad - as "home" and is trying very hard not to attract ire from adults when out of his 'own territory'/safe space at childcare provision or staying with you/your parents.

This doesn't imply that his setting or you are actually doing anything nasty or unreasonable to him (it often happens when a child gets burnt out by the demands of school then explodes at home) - but it does mean that for whatever reasons, this child is exhausted, stressed, and just does not have the resources to cope with being in so many different places and dealing with a variety of people 24/7. Possibly it happened today because he has been doing interesting things out of his normal routine over the last 10 days of Easter holidays? Lots of extra expectations and rules about the festivals, days out/multiple days spent in your house with you all day consecutively, etc?

Do NOT try to increase his time away from his safe space (=the place he feels safe enough to meltdown) and do NOT punish him or try placing extra demands (reward charts, naughty step etc) for being at the end of his tether. What will help is giving him a break with less to and fro/activities/social obligations and more time to unwind on his own or with a single close loved one at home.

Agree.

I wonder if this is partly a consequence of the Co-parenting relationship. I know it’s unavoidable to an extent but he is being shunted around between 4 care givers. That’s a lot. My son has an element of restraint collapse after nursery. He doesn’t sound like he would know if he’s coming or going.

I expect a more stable, predictable routine would help - even if week by week. Communicate who he’s with, for how long etc.

Have u spoken to the childminder to find out when it happened, if she knows what the triggers are and exactly what they were doing?
Have u asked the grandparents the same?
Sound like far too many different childcare providers for a child to have, why so many?

I was regularly told about having too many child carers which turned out not to be the case, so I wouldn't automatically assume this is correct and focus more on how the care is delivered and managed.