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Original poster

How to tell your child

28 replies

horseshoe · 02/12/2004 14:25

that they have another sister, any suggestions????

My DD is 2yrs old but has a sister on her dads side.

She has to be told but how and when

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sparklynorthernstar · 02/12/2004 14:27

I would start talking about her sister now - as she's only 2 she won't really understands, but as she does get older it won't be an issue as it will eb something she always knew about. IYSWIM!

saintlysecur · 02/12/2004 14:28

with northerner, just use every opp to drop it into conversation and make it normal to her.

MarsselectionboxLady · 02/12/2004 14:28

agree with sparkly. Children are amazing creatures. If they know something from when they are little, it doesn't bother them when they get big. It will just be a part of her life.

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OnZephyrstdayofXmas · 02/12/2004 14:29

do you ever see her? Dp has a sonthat we never see due to a whole heap of family arguments and his ex being a b*h!! So I'm not going to tell our two until they are much older then if they want to see him off their own backs then they can.
Good luck!!! (do you think she's old enough to understand?)

ChristmasBOOZA · 02/12/2004 14:32

I agree with Sparkly. Have you got photos of her sister? Show photos of various family members, pets..... thats Mummy, thats Daddy, thats Fido, thats your sister XXX, thats Auntie Y, Grandad Z etc. My DS has a little flip photo album (about £1 from asda with Winnie the Pooh on the cover) with various family members in.

if you keep showing her that she will eventually start to ask more questions. My DS is 3.10 and has started getting interested in family relations now, largely because he has got a new cousin.

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 15:19

its a bit difficult really as before i found out i was pg, me and DP split up, In that time he had a one night stand. Me and him got back together when i was 6 months PG. 9 months later when DD was 6 months we get a letter demanding maitenance. The girl wants nothing to do with us and so we pay maitenance and thats it.

Obviously her sister is only 6 months younger and so that is gonna be hard to explain

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ChristmasBOOZA · 02/12/2004 15:23

Its going to be a long while yet before she starts adding the months up or even realises how long it takes to grow a baby. Really wouldn't worry about that side yet.

Is your DP wanting to have contact with the little girl? Or is he just paying up and accepting that he won't have anything to do with her?

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 15:39

thats a hard one really cause i still cant work out what he's thinking...The way we found out to begin with was the girl posted a letter through the door at 1am at his parents where we were staying while our house was going through..i know i shouldn't of but i was intrigued why a letter being posted to dp in the middle of the night so i opened it. In the letter it said that she now realised how hard it was and would he come and see the child and consider becoming a proper family etc....I spoke to him about it and he said he could barely remember the girl. Of course i was confused and hurt and didn't believe him so i called her myself. She was nice and confirmed it was a one nighter when i explained that we were together and we had a child she flipped....said she was gonna take him for everything and he was never gonna gonna have anything to do with her etc.... next thing we knew we got the letter from CSA. I think DP sees how much it hurt me and tries to brush it under the carpet. Of course i have had the conversation with him loads of time and asked him to contact the child but he wont. He says that we are his family and he doesn't consider this child as part of that. I think its probably more aimed at the mother tbh as if it's her fault or something. In a way i would like to see who this child is and i dont think he is being fair on me or DD for not giving us that opportunity but on the other hand i dont want to rock the boat in a sense. Part of me wants to brush it under the carpet and hope the DD never comes looking for her dad but i know thats an unfair expectation so i have no choice but to tell DD about her just how is the prob

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Tinker · 02/12/2004 15:40

Definitely agree with just dropping it into the conversation and treating it as normal. I'm in the reverse situation to you horseshoe (only I'm nice, don't demand maintenance and have done all the work to foster some sort of relationship between my girl and her dad [saintly emoticon] )

Mine kept begging for a sibling and one day, when she was about 3 or so, I just said well, you've got 2 already. Bit of brief explaining to her and then lots of boasting to her friends about it (who assumed she was making it up). She has now met her brother a few times and has a photo of her sister in her room. So far so good but am sure there will be some tricky times ahead.

Dophus · 02/12/2004 15:50

After a one night stand? Do you have proof of parentage?

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 15:55

Thats a bit hard too. The CSA sent him a form, all it asked him to do was confirm his details....pr*t didn't read the implications and thought that by sending that back the CSA would then ask him details about it, they then rushed payments through and when we queried it they told him that by sending that form back he had agreed he was the dad. There was a box that he asked him but on the form but he had left that blank as it was a straight yes or no answer and he didn't know. Anyway we now have no legal way to get her to take DNA unless we take her to court for access rights and tell the court that we are not sure which DP does not want. So I am also at a loss there.

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ChristmasBOOZA · 02/12/2004 16:04

You're in a bit of a tough situation because it sounds like your DP hasn't really come to terms with the situation yet. I think he really needs to get his head round it before you can decide what to do really.

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 16:17

It's been left for over a yr now, i think its very much a case that both parents are happy with it left like this so i really only need to consider my DD now and i think she needs to be told. i will start dropping hints early

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 16:18

But i think your right christmasBOOZA, DP is just brushing it under the carpet and has never actually dealt with it

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ChristmasBOOZA · 02/12/2004 16:21

Sorry about all the Reallys in my last post. I suppose for you Horseshoe your priority is your DD. So start dropping your hints and take it from there. Think you are being very thoughtful and reasonable about it all. It must have been a bit of a shock.

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horseshoe · 02/12/2004 16:38

Thanks ChristmasBOOZA, i just think theres not much i can do about the situation and if I dont accept it i'll go mad thinking about it..... My mother put it in context for me when she said that DD probably wont batter an eyelid as these days most people have extended families...

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Dophus · 02/12/2004 16:50

I never quite get this.

So you have a legal obligation to pay support but no legal right of access? It doesn't seem right.

I really don't envy your position. You seem to be dealing with it very well. My thoughts are with you.

One day the kid will want to know its father. Can you not get DP out of denial and sorting out some sort of access? Although hard I can't help but feel it will be better than trying to deal with this in 16 years time. I also think that you do need to address the paternity issue. Was it someone he knew well or had just met? If the latter then definitly need to srot it out.

Original poster
horseshoe · 02/12/2004 16:58

she was a friend of the girl his mate was sort of seeing scenario so he had met her a couple of times. I dont think theres any other way to sort out parternity unless he goes for access. Hhe doesn't want that and neither does the mother

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Dophus · 02/12/2004 17:08

What do you want?

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horseshoe · 03/12/2004 09:16

Honestly??? for her to phone up and say my mistake your not the dad....

I know thats probably not likely to happen . I think i would like everyone to be friends and for the little girl to know who her dad is!! He is a great dad and she deserves the chance to know him even if when she is older she says she doesn't want to know. The adults can sort themselves out and i would have to put my feelings aside for the sake of the kids the same as the other two would. The only trouble is none of them seem prepared to and it is really their decision.

I know nothing about the other woman...she might have a man acting as Daddy to her child in which case it's best left alone.....

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Dophus · 03/12/2004 11:03

That must be really tough for you .

The problem is that I suspect that one day the kid will want to know who her father regardless of whether she has a 'daddy' now. It would be better for everyone if she grew up knowing this rather than finding it out as a teenager (how hard would that be!).

However I guess there is nothing you do until your partner is ready to accept this and fight for access.

FrostyTheSurfMum · 03/12/2004 11:54

This is so hard for you horseshoe. My dh was in the position of being refused contact with his dd, but the x still wanting his money.

If I were in your shoes I think I would look further into getting a DNA test done. It must be possible, whether or not contact is happening.

I would also question her motives. It seems odd to me that she would write saying she wanted them to be a family, but react like she did as soon as she found out about you.

I wouldn't worry about dd's reaction to the fact she has a sister, but I think I might not say anything yet until things are a little more sorted. I would be worried that she would get excited about having one, then disappointed if she never got to see her. Difficult one.

joashiningstar · 03/12/2004 12:01

Whilst we were going through the courtcase with GS, I doscovered the location of two other children to GS's d*ckhead daddy and contacted them for various reasons. GS is around the age of your DD and I think far too young to understand this. After the court case, I sent a photo of GS to the parents of each child and a means of ensuring contact for the future should any of them decide that they want to meet their little brother. And we all agreed between us that we'll maintain contact through photo's, etc, even if it's just a Xmas card once a year.

GS is going to have enough to deal with once he startd asking questions about why he lives with grandma and grandad rather than mummy and daddy.

When he starts asking questions, then we'll introduce the idea of brothers and sisters (the once's we've traced as well as the ones we can't find). We make sure that we talk about his brothers and he does look at photo's. He dosen't yet understand, but he will as he gets older, and at least he will have always know.

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horseshoe · 03/12/2004 12:07

I found her reaction quite strange aswell. When I called her she said she had a friend that lived near DP and she had told her she had seen DP with a baby a few times but didn't know if it was his. I now know who the friend is and she had seen us on many occassions together as DP is rarely with DD and not me. So the story that she had no idea about me is probably not true. Also in the letter she was saying things like DD pulls a face and it reminds me of you....which i found rather strange. My only thoughts are that she already knew about me and by posting a letter like that she knew there was a chance i'd see it and she wanted to upset the balance. Why else would she write those things. I dont think her intention was ever to let DP into her life but more to inform me in the most spiteful way she could....

If i was in her situation would i do the same thing?????

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FrostyTheSurfMum · 03/12/2004 15:30

Probably jealous as he was with you and not her, but how spiteful. I've been on the receiving end of a lot of spitefulness from dh's x, so can sympathise.

What does your dp think about telling your dd about her sister?