Is this normal for a four year old?

[pompomsandtinsel]

I have a nearly 5 year old, very good speech, normal home life, gets on well at school but at home is very very difficult.

Lately she's started saying she hates us. She hates us and everyone in our family. She's angry a lot.

If shes tired she's angry. If she's hungry she's angry. If she's shy she's angry. If she's anxious about something she's angry.

I'm at a bit of a loss what to do with her.

This sounds oh so very familiar. My DD was a small ball of fury from about 4 until about 8. She's 11 now and it seems to have mostly burned itself out.

I recommend tea and, if necessary, your tipple of choice.

Things that helped us stay sane:
teach her words to explain. We talked about being angry for a reason or feeling angry and not understanding why.

If she didn't understand why we gave her an outlet. She'd scream at the clouds, or punch her pillow, or bellow il the chimney. Those helped get it out and often dissolved into laughter.

Not a universal cure but did help a little.

I also let her know that feeling angry is normal. But taking it out on the people we live is something we have to try not to do, and when we mess up we apologise. That worked well as the message sank in over time.

You have my sympathy though. It's rough!

My daughter was like this from 4 until 6...I don't know whether they go through some sort of hormonal surge or something at that age. We normalised anger and she had a 'calm' box with some sensory things in. Lots of other things we tried, sticker charts and the like didn't seem to help. I think it was something we had to ride out until she grew out of it. How do you respond when she tells you she hates you? We used to tell my dd that it was OK to feel that way now, that we were sorry she felt that way and love her very much.

When she says she hates us I normally say "ok well I love you anyway" and brush it off but it's wearing me down. I've put her in her room today as she's just being so vile and I needed a break. When I went up she's written NO on her door.

I'm glad I've done the thread as I will try the screaming into a pillow (me and her 😂)
A sensory box...what shall I put in it?
And wine. I'm going to definitely have wine now.

I actually came on to post a very similar thread. I'm at my wits end with my 4 year old. He's been absolutely vile to us all this weekend, hates us - punched / kicked / tried to bite. Also told me he wants me to go live on the moon (would quite happily oblige if I could)

He's such a lovely boy, and no other issues at all but he gets these moments of absolute anger and rage, where he is unrecognisable. It breaks my heart

So, no words of advice but solidarity as you definitely aren't on your own 

I am relieved I'm not alone.

Since staring the thread I showed her how she can scream into the pillow when she's really angry. She laughed her head off at me doing that.

My just turned 6yr old DS has been like this since he started school. It's mainly when tired or hungry with him - or when not getting his own way!
Haven't been told he hates us yet but we do get a lot of "no one even loves me" "you love her (his sister) more then me" etc etc.
I had also heard of a hormone surge around this age and he is a little better now in Yr1 than in reception.

I can't tell you how reassuring it has been reading the comments so far on this thread; my 4y 9mo is just the same at the moment-saying she hates us, shouting when we don't do things the way she has decided they should be done (in her head-we're apparently supposed to read minds too 😂)
Love the idea of shouting into a pillow or up the chimney.
Sending solidarity to you all x

I remember being glad when he turned 4 & waving bye the "threenager" thinking there's no nickname for the 4's so maybe it's all gonna be okay now, but one of my friends told me it's called the "fucking fours" and now I can 100% totally relate

Fucking fours 😂😂😂

That sums it up really.

What's hilarious is that I have an older child and I've spent years patting myself on the back for doing such a great job. I now know I didn't nothing and I can't believe they are related. It's pot luck. I had an easy one and now I'm being punished by reality.

End of first term in receptionanf exhausted? Totally over boiled with Christmas anticipation? 6 year molars starting to move inside her skull? Keep reiterating that anger is OK and normal but we have to find good ways of letting out.

@pompomsandtinsel my younger one has not had this at all so I got one of each too.

I'm glad she found the pillow screaming funny. Try yelling at clouds too. That's always good for a giggle. I remember her standing at the patio door of our old house looking out yelling "go away horrible clouds" in her cross little four year old voice 😂

Its so hard when they don't understand their feelings. All you can do is tell her that all feelings are valid. There may be a trigger. I recall being mad that my parents got to share a room and i had to sleep alone 🤣

Just curious to those with challenging 4 year olds - did they have bad stages at ages 2&3 as well? Or were they relatively ok as toddlers? And I mean relatively as we all know no toddler is easy.

My son was like this. He was later diagnosed with ASD. He's 16 now and is so, so lovely to live with, and so laid back, as long as he gets his alone time.

I should say I know plenty of small children who were like this and are not autistic! Anyway, this is a great website. Maybe some things from here for a calm box? www.sensorydirect.com/behaviour/mood-regulation

Look up Co-regulation.
Teach and practise strategies when she is calm to use when she is heightened. Lots of discussions about feelings again when she is calm.

She's always been very emotional so very much yes. As she's getting older now though she'll go off I to her own space and so her own thing to calm down.

She still has a tendency to get frustrated and angry at times but we handle it much better.

With my DS the 2's were a breeze, 3's less so - he's an amazing smiley, clever & chatty little boy but I'd say around 3.5 I started to see him getting very angry very quickly over such trivial things and then 4's... well he's such a ball of anger at times. And nothing seems to calm him down, I've tried ignoring, I've tried hugging it out, also tried to get him to tell me what exactly it is why he's so cross. It's so sad to see. I'm going to speak to his nursery this week to see what I can do to help him.

My god this is so relieving to see. My 3 almost 4 year old is like this. It's so hard. Made harder that she spews the I hate yous at her dad only and is very mummified. Don't know who it's worse for 🤣

Thanks. This is interesting. I currently have a 2.5 yo who just seems very much harder than her peers - just very angry, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around her as everything sets her off. I know she’s young just curious and hoping this is a phase.

@Nosecamera yes I think tiredness is a big part of it. School absolutely wrecks her. But also she was like this before school and she only did four mornings sat preschool a week.

@Cinnabomb 2 was easy and a total dream. 3 was awful and we had a new baby and lockdown. That was a year of helll. That's when she changed and became angry as hell.

@Cinnabomb walking on eggshells describes it perfectly

I think it's pretty normal. It's just an inability to deal with any of those feelings/emotions.

Do your best to avoid those emotions where possible. Learn her triggers and get ahead of them.

Help her to understand her own triggers, this kind of self-awareness is a massively important lifelong skill, the earlier you get it, the better. Teach her ways to cope with her triggers, verbalising how she feels and seeking help being the main one. But also, screaming into a pillow/leaving the room or a situation/counting to ten/getting some fresh air etc.

The trouble is there are so many triggers. My life revolves around making sure she has all her needs met immediately. So avoid being hungry ever, always have food at the ready, keep to a routine so she isn't tired but I also feel she has to just experience life the same as we all do.

I am really not a mollycoddling mother and I'm all for character building but I'm always on eggshells as I know she can't explode at any time. It's exhausting

Also her speech is excellent but I need to remember that just because you have a vast vocabulary that doesn't been you can articulate the emotions you are feeling. Obviously having the words helps but it needs something more.

Like having the ingredients doesn't give you a cake.

That's life with a lot of four year olds.

You either work to get ahead of the triggers or work to deal with the resulting meltdown.

In fact, I think that's parenting in general tbh! You're either trying to prevent a disaster or dealing with the fallout from one.

Sticking to a meal and snack routine and bedtime routine isn't really that much work though. Working to help her cope with situations where she feels shy/anxious is probably something you should do anyway, whether she's explosive or not.