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Original poster

Abuse --trigger DV--

36 replies

Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 07:47

OK. Bare with me.

This morning I've been headbutted three times and punched in the face. Yesterday I was shoved and kicked and pinched.

Every single day I'm injured. This morning I'm crying as the final headbutt took me by.surprise and caught me on the cheekbone. Its now warm and throbbing but it's fine - I'll wear makeup to cover up any bruise.

Would any of you tolerate this from anyone? I picked myself up, made breakfast and chatted as normal. In what world is a woman encouraged to endure being physically attacked and then to.carry on?

I was tempted to do one of those reveal things. But it's pointless.

This is my son. In what world is it OK? Every single day I'm hurt and injured by him. This incident was because he's hungry. I love him fiercely with all my might but how is it fair?

OP posts:
DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 09/12/2022 07:49

How old is your son?

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 07:50

Nearly six

OP posts:
HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 09/12/2022 07:51

That sounds very hard @Blackeyesbluetears .
What support, if any, do you have?

RealBecca · 09/12/2022 07:54

Personally I'd be seeking support from a gp or health visitor. Cant remember if they go up to that age.

His behaviour is entirely unacceptable and usually dealt with by the time they are 2 or 3 years old. So he either has a health condition or behaviour issues.

You say you carried on as normal. Have you always done that? Like it was no big deal? What used to happen? Did you tell him off and naughty step him when he first started when he was little? Or just carry on making his breakfast like this morning?

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 08:00

We've tried everything. We've asked every single agency for support. School say to us "well yes, children do get quite emotional towards the end of the week/term."
We have resorted to paying 2k for an assessment

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 08:01

We've tried all the usual parenting tactics. If you put him in time out he soils himself, if you remove favourite items he simply breaks things, if you shout at him, he screams and dissolves into messy screaming tears

OP posts:
Everydaywheniwakeup · 09/12/2022 08:13

What is he doing and why is he doing it? All behaviour is a communication - what is his behaviour trying to tell you?
Rather than consequences that aren't working and are making him more distressed, what happens if you ignore the behaviour?

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 08:18

Ignoring escalates or results in smashed objects or self harm.
He struggles with the feeling of hunger. He wanted chocolate but I didn't have any. He didn't know what he wanted.

OP posts:
NEmama · 09/12/2022 08:29

School nurse or gp. This is urgent. Sending un mn hugs x

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 09/12/2022 10:23

School nurse discharged us. Gp has always been rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:22

Imo the sheer lack of replies suggests that it's somewhat acceptable. If I posted that my husband was hurting me I would be told to.ltb

OP posts:
Norriscolesbag · 10/12/2022 06:24

OP it’s clear to me he is neurodiverse.

when is his assessment? Get yourself referred to Early Help in the meantime.

WandaWonder · 10/12/2022 06:30

Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:22

Imo the sheer lack of replies suggests that it's somewhat acceptable. If I posted that my husband was hurting me I would be told to.ltb

What do you want to people to say that you don't already know?

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:34

We've been referred to early help. Haven't heard anything. Assessment is very very soon.

I don't expect anyone to say anything. I'm just satd and scared. What if he's Still like this when hes 10? Or 20? He is very strong

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:46

I agree about the ND. So do we just accept that it's OK for a ND child to attack their parents? It's just not talked about. I'm trying to.support him in every way possible but the violence is increasing, not decreasing as he gets older. How do I emotionally come.to terms with that?

OP posts:
gubbinsy · 10/12/2022 06:50

I have a child a little like this although not so extreme - he's 9 now and it's getting better all the time.
You don't mention what strategies you've tried (I'm sure you've tried many things). What helped us was the realisation that there is no magical 'fix' from any referral so we have to find things ourselves. Not sure we're quite there but one thing I've found amazingly helpful is The Explosive Child book, the Lives in Balance website and the The Plan B group on Facebook - all based on Ross Greene ideas. Central premise is kids do well if they can so it's about working out what skills they are lacking which is making things hard for them to meet expectations then managing your expectations and adjusting accordingly. Some of that will be trying to identify what triggers him to lose control. With my child, we realised early on that despite what he said, he was terrified when he had an outburst and felt terrible if he'd hurt one of us - that really helped me. It's so hard and you can feel so alone with it. I hope you get some support.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 06:54

Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:22

Imo the sheer lack of replies suggests that it's somewhat acceptable. If I posted that my husband was hurting me I would be told to.ltb

Yes, that is an option. But on the other hand when it cones to a child parents do have a certain level of influence in their behaviour, even if they have SEN. Does he not show any of this behaviour at school when he gets hungry?

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 07:17

I mean, it's not just hunger. It's change to routine, lack of control, being in a noisy/busy/bright place for too long, having too much demand placed on him. Basically anything to do with life triggers him.

I do believe I can help him but I also don't think we are responsible For these behaviours. A low demand lifestyle seems to help him the best. I don't believe he's getting appropriate help in school. He's such a good boy and tries so hard but its a nightmare.

sorry for any weird punctuation or formatting. Its all being weird when i type

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 10/12/2022 07:23

I know a few children with autism who have gone into residential because of their violence. It is an option, no one has to put up with it.

bubbleandsqueakk · 10/12/2022 07:27

Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 06:22

Imo the sheer lack of replies suggests that it's somewhat acceptable. If I posted that my husband was hurting me I would be told to.ltb

Not everyone is awake at this time.. give people a chance jheez

I think you should get back on to the GP or even social services for advice

Original poster
Blackeyesbluetears · 10/12/2022 07:37

My thread has stood for a full 24 hours 😂

I really hope that residential isn't the answer 😥 last year he managed to give me concussion.

We are waiting on social services but not a priority so it's only early help. Some of his more dangerous behaviours have resulted in a couple of social services referral from the hospital but we never heard anything

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 10/12/2022 07:42

What happens immediately after he's hurt you? what do you do? What are the consequences for him? Does he show any remorse or does it simply not register?

Whatafustercluck · 10/12/2022 07:47

Hi op, you're at the end of your tether and sound like me 12 months ago. My dd is 6 too. I've lost count of the number of times I've told people it's like living in an abusive relationship, one you don't have the option of leaving. Dd has clawed at me so hard she's drawn blood. Many times I have sat with my head in my hands and just sobbed. It feels utterly hopeless doesn't it? Her temper really scares me. I know exactly how you feel. I don't think AIBU is the place for you, it won't help you. You will find more empathy and advice on the SN boards.

Consequences will not work for your child. The 'usual tactics' won't work. Ask for an urgent gp referral to your county's children's mental health team. They may be able to provide more immediate support with strategies while you await assessment. Ours was great and we've seen huge improvements taking a different approach with dd. Our mh practitioner was fab, no judgement at all (we'd become so sick of hearing 'have you tried rewards and consequences, like it was OUR fault!) We are all much happier now. However we too are looking at private assessment options. Young Minds were also great and offered a free one hour consultation which helped us begin to see that dd is not NT and requires a different approach.

You are not as alone as you think. Try the sn boards. Dm me if you want. Good luck.

CookieSue222 · 10/12/2022 07:54

I think the reason why you've not had many replies is that for the majority of parents this isn't normal. I have children and have never been assaulted by either of them. The fact that this is happening to you on a regular basis is very worrying and there's obviously something going on, but most of us are just not qualified to comment as we may be doing more harm than good. I really feel for you, as a mum, and hope you can get the help you need soon. Take care xxx

Whatafustercluck · 10/12/2022 07:55

Also as another poster has said, there is no magic wand or quick fix. Self help and talking to others in a similar position is where it starts getting better. I also second the book The Exlosive Child and as there are clearly sensory issues too Raising a Sensory Smart Child.