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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband being unreasonable to 2.5 year old?

46 replies

AcademicMumWithTooManyPets · 04/12/2022 23:10

I really don’t know how to deal with the issues between my toddler and husband. To give very brief context; he worked every weekend until she was 18 months old, and because she was in full time childcare from 6 months, it meant he never spent any time with her until after she turned 20 months. They have a normal relationship but she prefers spending time with me, and I think that’s pretty normal (esp given she spent every weekend just me and her for such a long time). I work full time; but I still do everything with her - I take her to nursery, and pick her up everyday; I am the one who gets up with her in the morning whilst OH has a lie in (I would kill for one of those); I make all her meals; organise all the activities and very often end up doing this as just a duo (despite OH being available at weekends now). But increasingly there’s a big issue between OH and DD. She sometimes only wants me to do certain things, like help her brush her teeth, or feed her, or help her with things. When OH decides he wants to be the one to do them, he will forcibly remove her from me and insist she does them with him. It’s AWFUL. She screams for me, and he tells her angrily to stop crying, and that he his doing her teeth/nappy/dinner etc. He feels I don’t back him up, and I need to tell her she’s being “mean” to him, and it’s unkind, but I honestly feel he is being unkind to her! I don’t really know what to do because all it’s doing is pushing her further away from him, and making him angrier and more determined to force her to do things with him.

Should I let him carry on like this in the hope that it’ll create a relationship? Or follow my gut and intervene?

OP posts:

NotToBeShaked · 04/12/2022 23:13

Tell him you will support him when he gets up on the weekend and starts to build a relationship with her.

Otherwise, protect and support your child.

Snugglemonkey · 04/12/2022 23:20

I would be intervening. I think it is unlikely that this will lead to a good relationship. His suggestion that you guilt trip a baby into being compliant with him is emotionally abusive and sets a dangerous precedence. I feel this is a highly destructive pattern to establish for anyone, but especially for a daughter. He is bullying both of you. It is up to him to build a relationship with her, not to you to join in the bullying. Honestly, I am cross reading that as I feel he is doing a number on your judgement. Why is he not parenting anyway? Why don't you get lie ins? Did she go to childcare while he had days off or did he work 7 days a week? Why did he/does he not prioritise his relationship with his child?
Actually, I do not care about the answers, there is no excuse. He has failed to build that relationship. It is up to him to fix that. I would stay totally out of that, apart from intervening when he is being abusive obviously. Definitely do not tolerate that.

Tabitha888 · 04/12/2022 23:22

Ask him why's he bulling her? What a joke. Stop allowing her to be treated this way!

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MistyFrequencies · 04/12/2022 23:24

Fucking hell. Of course you intervene. For about a YEAR my boy wouldnt let his Dad do anything. Literally yelled if he came near him. Not once did my husband force him. Now they have a great relationship. Your husband is a prick.

beastlyslumber · 04/12/2022 23:27

He's abusing her. That is really disturbing to read about. Physically forcing her to let him change her nappy, what the fuck?

You said yourself, it's awful. Please protect your daughter.

Deadringer · 04/12/2022 23:28

God i heard that for years, you should back me up, sure i will dh, when you grow up and parent properly. Op trust your instincts they are spot on, and as pp said he needs to build up a relationship with her, not force her to comply with his wishes.

FuckMyLife2022 · 04/12/2022 23:35

She’s being mean? She’s being mean?

Who’s the 2YO here because I’m genuinely not sure.

He is physically and emotionally abusing her.

She doesn’t want him to change her nappy because he is a fucking stranger to her and you’re allowing him to physically wrestle her? Do you not grasp how fucked up that is?

Lunificent · 04/12/2022 23:39

He’s bullying a baby, horrifying. Move this thread to relationships. I imagine there’s more going on.

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 04/12/2022 23:44

This is the sort of thing that could cause mental health issues in your daughter later in life. She will grow scared of him if she's not already, and their relationship may never recover if he carries on. At the very least, you should both do these things together while she and he perhaps build a relationship. Your (frankly abusive-sounding) DH needs to understand the damage he is doing here.

LaughingCat · 04/12/2022 23:56

Oh, OP, I think you already know the answer to this one. It’s all across your post. No, he absolutely shouldn't be forcing it. If he wants a relationship with her it needs to be on her terms, not when it suits him.

I also keenly feel your frustration with his lack of partnership in your post. Of course you should sometimes get a lie in too. And he should be helping with all the daily things like taking to nursery etc. Those are the things that will build a relationship with her, not occasionally forcing her to let him brush her teeth.

He’s trying but in all the wrong ways. sighs

Clymene · 05/12/2022 00:08

He's a fucking arsehole. He thinks he deserves her time because he provided the sperm but he makes zero effort. If he wants a relationship with his daughter, he has to earn it. Get up with her. Make her breakfast. Spend time with her.

Also why does he not do anything?

TerraNostra · 05/12/2022 00:58

Why does he not get up with her in the morning?
Why does he never take her to nursery?
Why do you cook all the meals?
Why does he not organise activities?
Why do you do things as a duo and not a family when he is not working?

What the fuck does he actually DO other than upset her by trying to change her nappy once in a while?

SuperFly123 · 05/12/2022 09:29

Tell him to get off his lazy ass and build a relationship with his daughter in a loving and supportive way, not by being a raging arsehole and bully. And actually be a fucking parent by, you know, waking up and playing with her, taking her out to nursery and the playground. Fuck me. It’s not rocket science.

SuperFly123 · 05/12/2022 09:31

And yes, intervene FFS!! Protect your child.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2022 09:46

This has LTB written all over it, except from the huge but, that being he could potentially have her alone.
You have two choices.
If you think it's possible, you communicate to him the advice others have given above, spending time, doing stuff with her. It isn't rocket science.
If you think/discover it isn't, and I don't know how this all works, can you start gathering evidence so that he gets zero alone time when you divorce.

Grassisbluer · 05/12/2022 09:49

Of course you intervene!! You know this isn't right. Lots of small patient steps will be needed to build up their relationship.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 05/12/2022 09:59

Yikes, this isn't good at all. Intervene and have a chat with him once your DD is in bed. He needs to make efforts with her like getting up in the morning, playing with her, going on trips out just then two and as a family. Toddlers are notorious for having 'favourites' which can change fairly often so I'd be mentioning this to him too - but in order for him to rank as favourite, he needs to get involved more and build that relationship. If he shouted at an adult "I AM GOING TO HELP YOU WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT" I don't think he'd be shocked that the adult wouldn't want to be around him - same goes for your toddler.

Bemyclementine · 05/12/2022 10:02

Bloody hell. He needs to start being involved as a family before he can expect her to want him to do the day to day stuff.

JanglyBeads · 05/12/2022 10:03

What's he like if you have an argument with him OP?

AnyFucker · 05/12/2022 10:09

Should I let him carry on like this in the hope that it’ll create a relationship

Seriously ? You consider this as an option. Sort yourself the fuck out and protect your baby. Jesus.

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 05/12/2022 10:14

Ok it's awful of him not to get up with her in the morning, not to make her meals, not to join weekend activities, that's lazy parenting.
However, despite that, you say at the beginning that they have a normal relationship, it's just she often prefers you. All children prefer one parent at different times.
It's wrong for him to be so forceful in trying to clean her teeth or feed her, but you could help by encouraging her to do the things with him that he's trying to do. You don't need to tell her she's being mean, but a clear "Dad is cleaning your teeth today" and leaving them to it shows her that's normal. If you show her that you support him doing things then he will feel able to do more and you might get the balance you are hoping for.

MillyMollyManky · 05/12/2022 10:21

Jesus, yes, you must intervene! She's not an object to be picked up when he feels like it- she is a person with feelings who doesn't understand why this man she hardly knows is manhandling her and taking her away from her mum. This is not how to build a relationship- it sounds deeply traumatic for her (and for you, I imagine).

If he wants to bond with his daughter, he needs to be much more involved day to day and to take it slowly- this might mean he's there while she does things with you rather than staying in bed. He needs to spend time with her in a situation which isn't stressful, play with her, etc etc. It takes time. He missed out on the first 20 months and he needs to take that into account in dealing with her- she's a person not a thing.

He sounds awful- how are things between you generally?

liarliarshortsonfire · 05/12/2022 10:26

Jesus that's awful, how on Earth can an intelligent man think this is the way to forge a healthy relationship with another human.

Ask him if he'd be happy to spend time with someone who physically makes him do things with them?

He needs to be patient and spend time and effort with her.

I'd be suggesting family counselling and courses on parenting to him.

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/12/2022 10:26

He needs to stop this. It won't and isn't going to create a good relationship. As others have said he needs to start slowly, as he has avoided getting involved so far. He needs to be around with you, doing things together. So you both are involved with nappy changes, he can pass you things and entertain her to begin with until she's more used to him. You should both be involved with meals, all sat together enjoying a family meal. And so on and so on.

He can't just parachute into her life and start physically dominating her, that's appalling. He needs to build familiarity, consistency, trust, and a loving relationship with her. Not this aggressive bullying crap, with a side order of blaming you!

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 05/12/2022 10:28

This sounds awful OP, I'm sorry it's happening.
He needs to calm the fuck down. You don't build a relationship with a child by being aggressive, scary and bullying. You earn their trust. I am afraid that I have no idea how you can get him to change his attitude and behaviour, but he needs to be calm, kind, compassionate to both you and DD if things are to improve.
Bullying you and DD will only create a terrible situation.
He needs to do more actual parenting, he is getting away with doing nothing, then expects DD to want to be with him.
The only thing I DO know is you need to protect your child. Stay calm, but you need to intervene. You need to let him know that that behaviour is unacceptable, that he needs to change. If you let it continue without protecting her, she will likely resent you later in life.

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