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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband being unreasonable to 2.5 year old?

46 replies

AcademicMumWithTooManyPets · 04/12/2022 23:10

I really don’t know how to deal with the issues between my toddler and husband. To give very brief context; he worked every weekend until she was 18 months old, and because she was in full time childcare from 6 months, it meant he never spent any time with her until after she turned 20 months. They have a normal relationship but she prefers spending time with me, and I think that’s pretty normal (esp given she spent every weekend just me and her for such a long time). I work full time; but I still do everything with her - I take her to nursery, and pick her up everyday; I am the one who gets up with her in the morning whilst OH has a lie in (I would kill for one of those); I make all her meals; organise all the activities and very often end up doing this as just a duo (despite OH being available at weekends now). But increasingly there’s a big issue between OH and DD. She sometimes only wants me to do certain things, like help her brush her teeth, or feed her, or help her with things. When OH decides he wants to be the one to do them, he will forcibly remove her from me and insist she does them with him. It’s AWFUL. She screams for me, and he tells her angrily to stop crying, and that he his doing her teeth/nappy/dinner etc. He feels I don’t back him up, and I need to tell her she’s being “mean” to him, and it’s unkind, but I honestly feel he is being unkind to her! I don’t really know what to do because all it’s doing is pushing her further away from him, and making him angrier and more determined to force her to do things with him.

Should I let him carry on like this in the hope that it’ll create a relationship? Or follow my gut and intervene?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 05/12/2022 10:30

When OH decides he wants to be the one to do them, he will forcibly remove her from me and insist she does them with him.

THis sums up the issue - why does he get to decide this - and then look at how it handles it

He isnt just being unkind he is being abusive

HappinesDependsOnYou · 05/12/2022 10:30

Most kids go through a phase of preferring one parent. Reasonable people take the approach of saying something like "mummy/I loves doing xyz with you but tonight is daddy's turn and he/I am really looking forward to it. Mummys/I am really looking forward to my turn tomorrow."

Unreasonable twats bully a 2 year old by yelling at them and putting the responsibility for their emotions on a child. Tell him to read how to talk to kids so they listen, tell him to get his arse out of bed and start playing with his child if he wants a relationship with them. Until he steps up you need to protect her

thejadefish · 05/12/2022 10:39

Follow your gut and intervene. If you (not you OP, you're doing a great job) want a good relationship with a child you have to EARN it, by being there when they want/need you, caring for them generally and doing so regularly. His approach is counter productive he'll push her away and if she's really upset I'd be worried that my not intervening would make her feel worse than she already does/like her needs aren't important when Daddy decides xyz. I'm no child psychologist though I could be talking nonsense!

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watcherintherye · 05/12/2022 10:46

Or follow my gut and intervene?

100% this. She’ll grow up afraid of him, if that’s what he wants. The only way to forge a relationship with children is on their terms. He needs to be involving himself in doing nice things with her - being available to play/taking her to the park/ making cakes with her etc., not snatching her from you to enforce personal care. Who helps with that should be her decision. If it’s necessary for him to help because you’re doing something else, fair enough, but it shouldn’t be done aggressively, because she will remember his aggression forever. He should acknowledge her reluctance - “Sorry sweetheart, Mummy’s busy, so I’ll have to do it this time. You tell me what to do….” etc., remaining calm even if she’s upset. It’s not rocket science.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 05/12/2022 10:54

Your DH is vile to your child, but also to you. He is an unpleasant bully who is happy to see you work full time, do everything for DC and everything round the house. He sees himself as the boss and you as his maid. I'd protect your daughter as much as you are able and make plans to leave.

RandomPerson42 · 05/12/2022 10:58

He is an idiot - and expecting a 2 year old to have the mental capacity of a much older child - he is bang out of order and making things worse for his relationship with his daughter. Please stop his awful jealous behaviour.

Pearls1234 · 05/12/2022 11:06

She’s ‘being mean’?! I’m sorry, SHE is being mean?!
Get this abusive bully out of your home until he learns how to parent her properly. She is not physically or psychologically safe with him.

Autumntimeagain · 05/12/2022 11:20

So her Father thinks it's absolutely fine to engage in coersive control with a toddler ?

And he wants you to join in with doing this ?

Absolutely bloody NOT !!!!

This is not a simple case of a 'toddler tantrum' (which is what he seems to think it it ?).

She has never built a proper relationship with his own child, through his own damn laziness, and now he simply expects her to capitulate to his demands to suddenly play at being a Dad ?

Nah, he can fuck right off ! Protect your DD from this abuse, and put him straight about the effort and hard work required for him to build a proper relationship with his child !

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 11:23

He is not being unreasonable he is being a pathetic abusive bully because he is jealous of his child.

Endlesslaundry123 · 05/12/2022 12:33

Please have him read a parenting book..... that is no way to teach or build a relationship with a toddler.

Ihavekids · 05/12/2022 12:41

watcherintherye · 05/12/2022 10:46

Or follow my gut and intervene?

This. 100 times this. He needs to do some unforced fun and take it from there.

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 13:18

Endlesslaundry123 · 05/12/2022 12:33

Please have him read a parenting book..... that is no way to teach or build a relationship with a toddler.

I think parenting books are for good people who want to do their best. An abuser will gain nothing from them.

PorridgewithQuark · 05/12/2022 13:37

A preschool child can't be "mean" to their parent, and this is a good example of the "be kind" trope being massively misused and twisted.

A 2 year old should never be told to "be kind" to an adult when this means doing something they're unhappy about / putting the adult's feelings first regardless of the situation or his motivation.

That your husband is phrasing the issue in this language and in terms of a two year old being mean to him not to let him change her nappy is really uncomfortable.

In other circumstances of course it would be best if they developed a far better relationship and she started to understand that either parent can take car of her and you sometimes have other things to do when he is free to help her. But it sounds as though he has his priorities really twisted and this makes things harder.

SuperFly123 · 05/12/2022 14:43

The more I think about it, the more I think you should seriously consider if this relationship has a future. He sounds absolutely dreadful. Total lack of empathy for you and for his daughter.

MissyB1 · 05/12/2022 14:53

Ok I’m going to give a controversial opinion. It seems to me that the pair of you have never parented as a team. How much did you truly encourage him to be involved when she was a baby? Why did you take her to all activities when he was off at weekends? Why didn’t you insist he was involved? Why didn’t he want to be? You two haven’t been on the same page at all, you aren’t a team. Now your child suffers because you two can’t get your act together. And your Dh might have a very different side to this story, but to me neither of you look good in this.

Either work out how to parent as a team or split up, because what’s happening now is not fair on this child. Oh and in these scenarios the unhappy child just starts playing the parents off against each other because they don’t know where they stand.

Miriam101 · 05/12/2022 15:06

There's a lot of bollocks in society and on this site about how young children generally prefer their mothers, like the mothers have some divinely instinctive aura that kids just automatically respond to. BS. It's often the case that young kids have a preference for their mothers because it's the mothers- like you- that put in all the hard work that goes towards building a bond.

If he can't be arsed to do the very basics of childcare - picking her up from nursery, getting up with her in the morning (errr hello?), taking her out to the park on a Saturday morning just the two of them etc etc- then how can he expect her to want him brushing her teeth or doing anything else? It sounds as though she has the sort of relationship a toddler might have with a genial but slightly non-committal uncle not a dad.

So, obviously, he is being a massive dick. You cannot force closeness upon a child, just as you can't force it upon an adult, and attempting to do so is setting up a relationship with seriously off dynamics.

But, also, OP, it sounds as though - like so many women on here- you have to ask yourself what role you have played in this. Sometimes, in order for your partner to step up, you have to step back. I read this: "I still do everything with her - I take her to nursery, and pick her up everyday; I am the one who gets up with her in the morning whilst OH has a lie in (I would kill for one of those); I make all her meals; organise all the activities and very often end up doing this as just a duo (despite OH being available at weekends now)"- and just think: WHYWHYWHY? How did it get to this point? You work full-time: presumably you wanted an equal partnership?

Time to set your markers down. Insist he gets up every other day. Insist he does 50% of drop offs or pick ups. Insist he takes her out. ie the bare minimum of parenting.

If you don't do it now it'll be 100 times harder to do it down the line. And everyone will have suffered as a result.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 15:28

Wjat you have there is a man who takes the toy from you when he fancies a turn.

This man is jealous of the relationship his child has with you.

He doesn't want to put in the work that would be rewarded with willingness and trust on DD's part to spend time with him and let him take care of her.

He resorts to bullying you both instead, swooping in whenever the fancy takes him, and expecting instant gratification of his delusion that what he wants, he gets, and that DD owes him respect or obedience or gratification.

I don't think this man is cut out for parenting or partnering.

If he won't accept that his leisurely lifestyle has to change in every way in order for DD to see him as a parent and trust him, unless he is willing to step up and do daily parenting with her and partnering with you, he is going to find himself single.

You can't go on as a family if he insists on getting his way here.

What he's doing is abusive.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 15:37

@MissyB1

He chose to work and to prioritize that o er parenting and playing a role in the keeping of his own home until his child was almost 2.

It seems to me you're trying to make the OP feel responsible for that. Is that fair?

PatientlyWaiting21 · 05/12/2022 15:39

Your daughter is behaving the same way any other baby / toddler would if left with a stranger / someone they don’t know well. Trust needs to built up not demanded.

MissyB1 · 05/12/2022 15:55

mathanxiety · 05/12/2022 15:37

@MissyB1

He chose to work and to prioritize that o er parenting and playing a role in the keeping of his own home until his child was almost 2.

It seems to me you're trying to make the OP feel responsible for that. Is that fair?

Well maybe financially he was the main earner? In a way both parents are responsible when they don’t parent as a team. And if he’s that bad a parent, then as I did say, they should call it a day. But I tend to think it’s often six of one half a dozen of the other in these situations. Some mums like being the one that baby depends on, and don’t always allow dad much involvement, then they begin to resent it when it all becomes too much!

They need to get their act together.

MillyMollyManky · 05/12/2022 15:59

Some mums like being the one that baby depends on, and don’t always allow dad much involvement, then they begin to resent it when it all becomes too much!

Generally I think this is true- far to many posts on here from mums on mat leave grumbling that their partners do it all wrong and how much easier it is when the partner is at work. But I don't think there's anything here to suggest that this is the case, at least nothing OP has said.

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