How do parents manage with toddlers/babies and no family support

[NC3435]

BG - my husband and I are both doctors. He works FT and I work 80% (one day off a week). We have a 1.5 year old DS who attends nursery 4 days a week. I am currently pregnant again. We live in a fairly expensive part of London due to shift work and difficulty managing nights, long days etc and commuting an hour but also because we pay for the nursery via the salary sacrifice scheme (the fees are taken from my salary prior to tax) as the nursery is run by the Trust. Our LL has given us notice for Jan and said if we'd like to stay on in our tiny flat it will be £900 more a month. It's a ridiculous amount to pay for such a small place but we can't afford to buy atm (not enough deposit and no family support financially). We are looking for cheaper flats. My parents live in another country and ILs live in another city so cannot help reduce the cost of child care. We are lucky in that we have stable jobs but we keep trying to save and it is just not possible. We go on one holiday a year usually to see my parents as that is the only way time I see them. I do not want to give up my job. I have worked very very hard to get to where I am with post graduate degrees etc and dropping more days will prolong my training even more. I just don't know what to do. There are no gym memberships to stop as we play outdoor sports or cycle. We don't eat out, go iut for movies etc as there is no childcare. I just want to know how other working professionals manage it all without family support?

I took a lower paid job ( not saying this is right), less hours and less stress that means I don’t have to put toddler in nursery as I work evenings. I feel like a professional failure though.

I feel your pain and not many can appreciate that doctors don’t choose their training it is national selection and you can be put anywhere. so all in all you and your partner are fortunate to both have training places in the same region.
I can’t really talk as I left medicine to work in pharma as I was struggling to conceive and a child was not compatible with my surgical specialty.
However could you consider LTFT training especially once the second is born, for whom ever of you has longer to go. Also west London now has Elizabeth line so could you consider further out with cheaper costs e.g Hounslow, Slough, Burnham etc just for a few years until one of you qualifies and get a nanny. I commuted from that area into CXH and CWH and it is doable.
I don’t know what specialty you are in but I wish someone had sat me down at 23 and told me this would be pivotal if I wanted a family.
Good luck x

@Scirocco thank you for your kind words! Yes we will hang in there and wait for it to get better.
@Justasec321 we are looking at good state schools and planning to move into a good catchment area but have to balance it with rental costs. My problem is very short sighted as I'm sure things will improve when my husband becomes a consultant and 30 free hours start!
Nursery works better than nanny/childminder as they only close for a week for Easter and Christmas but his current nursery is actually only closed on Christmas and boxing day, and other bank holidays over the festive period which means we can both go to work.

@Bex000 I'm sorry to hear about your struggles and that you ended up leaving but I hope you are happy with the outcome. We're both medics but my husbands specialty is heavily procedure based. I am planning to go LTFT at 80% so I don't prolong my training by too much as I'd quite like to finish now!

In your particular circumstances I’d just use debt / savings to get through the next few years and move somewhere cheaper if possible. The training is an investment in your future and you’re almost guaranteed to make a lot more with more options to move to a cheaper area later.

In the long term it doesn’t make much sense to me to be two doctors living in such an expensive area when you could have such a high quality of life elsewhere but appreciate that it depends on your specialties. If your specialty is going to lock you into living into an expensive area where you can’t buy and are in a small flat and / or a long commute long term I think it’s worth reconsidering if you can.

Plus if you can scrape together a small deposit buy a really cheap and easily saleable property somewhere in the country and rent it out so that you’re building up equity.

Hope you manage to find somewhere cheaper when the contract ends. Things will improve as you say when the 30 free hours kicks in for your DS. Eventually things will improve but the London housing costs are a weight around your neck.

We have always lived in cheaper parts of London and travelled to work - usually an hour by tube

If your commute by tube is an hour, you could live well out of London and still have the same length of commute by train, and less than half the rent, surely? I'm not even in the home counties and can be in London in 50 minutes.

How do you manage with 3?
To cut a long boring back story short that'll loose you're interest,

1. How on earth do you split or share your time?
2. How many clubs/classes do you get them to attend?

• and literally how do you manage this.. do you drag them all along to watch and try and entertain the other 2 without causing a scene.. while the other reluctantly joins in the class as they see you all doing "stuff" and want to join in with you, instead of the class you've brought them to?? 🤔

3) Do you socialise outside of your family unit on a regular basis? (We have the odd birthday, wider family event, occasionally see an old friend..but thats it) 4) How do you manage all of the above, work and keep ontop of a house without feeling absolutely exhausted!! Hoping I'm not the only one out there with no network to reach out to, feeling as I do and wondering how on eartg everyone else seeming does it looking fabulous at the same time 🤦‍♀️💪🤩

I worked for virtually nothing really, for the first few years. If I recall correctly, once we had paid for 2 nursery places, we only had an extra £140pm from me working (part time). Things improved a lot when my son went to school and my daughter qualified for some free hours.

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd move away from London. I'm now in central Scotland and it's sooo much cheaper. Less crime and gorgeous as well.

I don't find it bizarre to have two children even if you struggle with money. We've been super sensible, saved up, waiting, now trying for our second and struggling. Sometimes I wish we'd not been do careful as if we do want two potentially looking at spending thousands on IVF. Wanting children is a fundamental human desire. There's nothing wrong with having them whilst you're biologically able and then doing your best to fit your life round it, and asking for help and advice ❤️

In your position I would move to a less desirable part of London. If you don't yet need schools this will be ok. We lived in an area like that when our DC were tiny and that was the only way we could afford to live in London. By the time your elder child needs school, your H will have completed training, so more ££ and fewer shifts, and you will only need 1x expensive childcare, so you can move back to a more desirable area. Moving twice is a pain, but sounds the most practical way to solve a temporary problem.

Do either of you have enough energy to do the odd locum shift on days off or annual leave. Mate of mine is a staff grade with small DC and pulls in a significant amount extra doing this, but it is a bit of a killer. Either that or get a bit Zen about taking on debt knowing your earning potential will rise and expenses fall in a short period of time.

A £900 increase? What will that take your rent up to? That's awful OP.

We're in a similar situ but without shift work and fortunately own a home so we've had a big increase to the mortgage but less uncertainty. It's still very hard without family help. My dad is wonderful but too old to do childcare with toddler. DP's family are either too elderly too or don't make the effort.

It's tough. DC2 is due next month. We've reduced nursery to 3 days pw while I'm on mat leave. Not much advice but solidarity. You'll find a way.

Hi OP @NC3435!

I know this is an old thread but I’m wondering if you - or any other medics that reaponded on here - are still around? If so, how did things work out?

I’m trying to decide whether to abandon my specialty training as am struggling to see how it will work with children.

Thanks!