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Original poster

Logistics of looking after new baby and 4.5yo

62 replies

k80pie · 01/12/2022 21:32

My baby is 6 weeks old and I also have a 4.5yo DS.

I am genuinely baffled as to how to look after them both when DS is home from preschool...

Baby needs attention pretty much constantly - if I am not feeding her, then I am changing her nappy, interacting with her for playtime/tummy time etc, then attempting to get her to sleep which usually involves some combination of crying/rocking/feeding to sleep/attempting to transfer/failing at that/babywearing/contact nap on couch. Repeat.

There is no time to look after an older child in that equation! My poor DS is watching more TV than I would like and is becoming unhappy from me constantly trying to calm or tend to the baby. If I have the front pack on I can't play with him properly or get down on the ground to play trains etc.

Please help!

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Carbon12 · 05/12/2022 22:52

I totally understand not leaving your baby to cry whilst seeing to DS. A couple of minutes is manageable if you're getting them a snack or changing his clothes, for example, but I would never leave my baby to cry simply to play with my eldest.

DD1 screams when she hears DD2 cry constantly.

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 22:53

Baby needs attention pretty much constantly - if I am not feeding her, then I am changing her nappy, interacting with her for playtime/tummy time etc, then attempting to get her to sleep which usually involves some combination of crying/rocking/feeding to sleep/attempting to transfer/failing at that/babywearing/contact nap on couch. Repeat.
**
You need to get rid of the unnecessary stuff. Forget about interacting with the baby and tummy time-this can be done when the older one is at preschool. I'd also not bother with effort in getting her to sleep-at that age she doesn't need a set routine and will sleep when tired. You can do loads of playing with the older child while holding her, if she'll only contact nap, or at the least have the older child bring books/games to you on the sofa while you feed or she contact naps.

I have a 12 week old and two 3 year olds, none of whom are easy. It's non stop when I have them on my own but there's loads of things I can do with the older two, and they are my focus (obviously I feed and change the baby too). I focus on the baby when it's just the two of us.

Decafflatteplease · 05/12/2022 22:55

Hi @k80pie congratulations on your new arrival!

I've done this age gap or similar (4 children here) and one thing I found really useful was to have a "feeding basket" or bag whatever really that contains toys you only bring out when baby is feeding or needing your attention. Ideally something your older one can do by themselves or you can do one handed eg sticker books, simple puzzles, playdough, a mat and a cutter.

Or get older one to help you with a big emphasis on "now they are a big boy" etc so they feel useful. Things like fetching a clean nappy etc.

On non preschool days are there any playgroups you can go to? We used to do that in a morning then a cafe for lunch and then am hour or so of TV in the afternoon maybe 3 hours on a hard day 😂 and then it's nearly teatime.

One day at a time!

Also cbeebies.can be a great resource mine like things like Maddie's do you know which is educational, or graces amazing machines

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old 4 year olds Babies & sleep Families
TaraRhu · 05/12/2022 22:57

One tip. Get a baby sensory light. You'll get 15 mins or so entertainment for the baby out of this.

Mine have a similar age gap. You get used to it. There will be more screens than you'd like and whoever needs you more will get priority. You can't split yourself in two. So be kind to yourself.

Good luck and congratulations!

Original poster
k80pie · 05/12/2022 23:00

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 22:53

Baby needs attention pretty much constantly - if I am not feeding her, then I am changing her nappy, interacting with her for playtime/tummy time etc, then attempting to get her to sleep which usually involves some combination of crying/rocking/feeding to sleep/attempting to transfer/failing at that/babywearing/contact nap on couch. Repeat.
**
You need to get rid of the unnecessary stuff. Forget about interacting with the baby and tummy time-this can be done when the older one is at preschool. I'd also not bother with effort in getting her to sleep-at that age she doesn't need a set routine and will sleep when tired. You can do loads of playing with the older child while holding her, if she'll only contact nap, or at the least have the older child bring books/games to you on the sofa while you feed or she contact naps.

I have a 12 week old and two 3 year olds, none of whom are easy. It's non stop when I have them on my own but there's loads of things I can do with the older two, and they are my focus (obviously I feed and change the baby too). I focus on the baby when it's just the two of us.

If only baby would just fall asleep when tired! I need to help her - otherwise we all pay down the track with an overtired newborn screaming all evening

OP posts:
MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 23:08

Feeding to sleep is pretty easy though if that works and you can still entertain the older child while you do it?

I think you just need to lower your expectations of what can be done when you've got more than one. Neither will be parented with 100% attention 100% of the time but that's fine.

You've had a lot of excellent suggestions on the thread.

Original poster
k80pie · 05/12/2022 23:19

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 23:08

Feeding to sleep is pretty easy though if that works and you can still entertain the older child while you do it?

I think you just need to lower your expectations of what can be done when you've got more than one. Neither will be parented with 100% attention 100% of the time but that's fine.

You've had a lot of excellent suggestions on the thread.

Thanks - she doesn’t always feed to sleep though, that’s the problem - then I have a cranky crying tired baby and I can’t play with DS.

My original post was specifically about the times that I have to spend a long time settling, or when things aren’t easy.

OP posts:
jannier · 05/12/2022 23:19

Put baby down more. Your eldest will resent him if you push him out for baby. Read books or do puzzles while feeding. Ask your son to help fetch nappies pull out wipes. Sit on the floor baby one side son the other and alternate attention.. let's build this...turn to baby talk tickle etc back to son...set your son little tasks or set up some messy play ...a crafty pod or pop up ball pond to put messy activities in limits the spread of mess

Original poster
k80pie · 05/12/2022 23:25

Thank you sincerely to everyone who said they also found it hard when things weren’t going well. It is so hard having a fussing/crying baby when your child also wants your attention and you obviously have been there too.

A sling can be great but it is not a magic cure all and sometimes my baby just wants out and I have to work very hard to settle her.

I’m going to take a break from the thread now.

OP posts:
Blueberrywitch · 05/12/2022 23:29

tenbob · 01/12/2022 23:34

I had a 4 year gap and one of the most useful things I was told was to make an effort to say ‘sorry baby, you’re going to have to wait. I’m spending time with DC1 now’ (at a time when the baby is fairly settled and happy to sit and do nothing)

Obviously newborn dc2 was totally oblivious to it but DC1 appreciated it, as it balanced all the times I ended up saying ‘hang on a minute, mummy has got to feed/change/deal with the bay’ and made him feel like he still got some one on one time
Same at bedtime - sorry baby, you need to go to bed first because DC1 is a big boy and is going to have some stories now - made him feel like his special story time was still ‘our’ time and didn’t have to be shared

This is so cute 🥹🥹

Blondlashes · 05/12/2022 23:34

I think with baby 2 there is just more crying. And eventually they get used to waiting. I used a dummy. It was helpful.
6 weeks is early. It gets better.
I used to read to DS when feeding baby. we had a special basket with books/small toys that only came out at feed time
he did watch a lot more tv when the baby came. It got to the point when he could recite a well known insurance advert slogan
Hes 18 now. Well adjusted and intelligent

MarianneVos · 05/12/2022 23:46

k80pie · 05/12/2022 23:19

Thanks - she doesn’t always feed to sleep though, that’s the problem - then I have a cranky crying tired baby and I can’t play with DS.

My original post was specifically about the times that I have to spend a long time settling, or when things aren’t easy.

Show quote history

That's not really what you wrote in your original post - you said you didn't have time for older DC because you needed to interact with the baby and give her tummy time.

If you actually mean 'when baby is constantly crying and can't be put down, how do I deal with older DC? I've tried a sling but she hates it and it hurts my back' you would have got slightly different advice. However, you still need to accept that you might have to put a crying baby down occasionally, and persist in rocking a bouncy chair while playing with the older one or similar.

With a 4.5 year old there's not so much physical involvement, so it is possible to be chatting through a game etc or watching them in a playground even if both your hands are occupied. Or mine are fine with holding books and turning pages while I read now.

What kind of things do you need to do while settling and we can make suggestions?

Or if you just want reassurance that others find it hard too, it is. Lowering your expectations helps though.

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