Logistics of looking after new baby and 4.5yo

[k80pie]

My baby is 6 weeks old and I also have a 4.5yo DS.

I am genuinely baffled as to how to look after them both when DS is home from preschool...

Baby needs attention pretty much constantly - if I am not feeding her, then I am changing her nappy, interacting with her for playtime/tummy time etc, then attempting to get her to sleep which usually involves some combination of crying/rocking/feeding to sleep/attempting to transfer/failing at that/babywearing/contact nap on couch. Repeat.

There is no time to look after an older child in that equation! My poor DS is watching more TV than I would like and is becoming unhappy from me constantly trying to calm or tend to the baby. If I have the front pack on I can't play with him properly or get down on the ground to play trains etc.

Please help!

Agree with pp, put baby in a sling! Let them nap there too, whilst very little.

You can multitask by e.g. reading your older child a story whilst feeding the baby. Encourage your older child to be involved by fetching nappies or helping to bath the baby. Let them pick out a clean babygrow etc.

When the baby is a little bit older, you will probably be able to put them down for a time in a bouncer or on a playmat. Your older child might even be able to help entertain them!

The swinging chair was the biggest help for us I think. I would make time for my eldest when DD was settled in there. Then a walk with baby in the pram or carrier. The baby gym was a massive help too. I could be playing with eldest whilst DD was occupied under there.

Mine was in full time preschool. Literal life saver. Also did a lot of walks to the playground so baby would sleep in the pram whilst the older one could run around. Then since everyone has had a good airing then no guilt about TV later on in the day!

Honestly OP, your 2nd child will have to cry abit. You need to put them down to care for your older one. If baby is happy on a mat or in a chair you need to focus on your older one, at 6 weeka you don't need to be doing as much tummy time etc, anf surely you can do that when your older one is at pre school?

I have the exact same age gap and have found it relatively easy as 4.5yo doesn't need watching all the time, she can go play in her room ot wherever. I also don't 'play' with her much, she has toys to play with by herself, i don't entertain her as such. Pop baby in sling and sit at table and dojng drawing or play doh or something.

Essentially with the 2nd, you can't focus on them as much as you did the first, sometimes you have to put them down

My DS was also 4.5 when DS2 arrived. DS1 was at school so we had to do school runs and then I had them both before and after school as Dh works hours were long.

DS1 I would set up with some colouring or we'd do homework. DS2 just had to lie on his playmat or sit in his bouncer a lot as I wanted to make sure I had attention on DS1 to help with school bits such as learning his phonics. Tbh, there's no magic fix. You just get on with it. Often one of them is upset and you just have to juggle it.

Nothing wrong with just popping baby#2 in sling to comfort them and leave you hands free to deal with the older one.

I remember those days well and it was SO hard! My daughter watched so much screen time while I helped the baby sleep. It gets better but the first few months are so hard. Don't worry about the screen time, do what you need to survive. Magnetic tiles were a godsend toy and my daughter played with them a lot too. I eventually nap trained the baby so he was able to sleep independently in his cot from 3 months. I would have preferred to wait until he was older but I couldn't are for my toddler properly and do contact naps. It was really hard, but at 5 months it's so much better!

We have a 4 year 1 month age gap and it was really hard. (They are 7 and 3 now and it's fine).

Here are a few things that worked for us (though anything only works for a few weeks really as baby changes so fast)

• wear baby in a carrier (sling) on your front, play active games in the yard that don't involve too much stooping e.g football, bubbles

• take them to the play park

• use baby's naps to spend 1 on 1 time with 4 year old

• read to them while breastfeeding

• give baby mat time while playing with 4 year old nearby e.g. duplo, coloring.

But this was in covid and we had a bit increase in screen time too.

Ds2 (and then ds3) spent a lot of time in a bouncy chair whilst I sat with DS1. I would bounce him with one hand and play with the older one(s) with the other. For nap times I had the pram in the house and would rock and shush him in that if the timing didn't fit. However we also went on walks, went to the park, etc. I actually preferred ds2 (3) in the pram to being in the sling as I could be more 'hands on'. When I first had ds2 it was overwhelming but I worked out strategies for different times of the day and it got better.

Genuine question and asking as someone who had their baby over 35 years ago: what does "tummy time" involve for a 6 week old infant and why is it considered beneficial to a 6 week old baby's development? (There was no "tummy time" 35+ years ago.)

I sometimes used to park my baby in a bouncy chair in front of the washing machine; that would keep him entertained, when I needed to get on with something else in the kitchen. When he was at the stage when he could reach out for things, I made him an activity thing with dangling plastic and wooden spoons and other bits and pieces and he would lie on his back on a mat and kick and swipe at these.

@Fremdschämen 35+ years ago the advice was for baby to sleep on their tummy.

That changed because it was linked to significant increase in the chance of cot death.

Once babies all started sleeping on their backs they started to get problems with flat backs of head and weakened neck muscles.

Hence, tummy time to try and correct the issue.

I also wouldn't worry much about playtime or tummy time tbh at six weeks old. They don't really play at that age, it's enough for them just to see everything that's going on, hear new sounds, etc. DD2 spent huge amounts of time in the sling for first three months and at 5.5 months is crawling so it hasn't made any difference to her mobility/strength! Prioritise spending time with your elder child when baby's immediate needs have been met.

I had 3 in 5 years. Surely at 4.5years theyre in reception?? Regardless, the baby was usually in my lap/arms or next to me in the bouncer while I spent time with the older ones. It was basically a case of the baby gets their needs met (food/change/nap) then their entertainment was to lay near their siblings and watch them play. At 4, they should be able to help you too by fetching nappies etc.

Thank you for the explanation.

I had a high needs baby and an older child with a 4.5 year gap. One piece of advice the midwife gave me was that the older child needs you more than the baby. As someone else said they are aware of what is going on and the baby isn't. The baby won't care if you leave him/her on the mat for a bit while you do something with the older child. Also try and involve the older child with things you are doing with baby. My eldest loved helping me!

Just to add on getting DS to help you - it might sound odd, but can you get him a doll or a large stuffed animal which he can use as a pretend baby e.g. to feed, change nappies etc while you are doing the same for your real baby?

(Even though we aren't into the whole boy/girl toy thing, it honestly didn't occur to me until DS1 started doing this by himself with a big stuffed dog toy. He then asked to buy a baby doll set with a bottle/feeding plate/clothes etc to play with. So we did!)

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate all suggestions and will try lots of the tips.

To answer questions, yes DS4.5 is at preschool 5 days a week but he’s been home for two weeks post-op and we also have Christmas holidays coming up. DH works, so there are days when it is just me home with them both.

DD (baby) is still only 7 weeks so won’t stay on playmat for more than 10mins alone, so it doesn’t buy DS and I enough time to do much really. And settling her takes ages and he isn’t keen on sitting with me when she’s crying/fussing (fair enough!) so tv is easiest option. I wonder if lots of the babies in the other posts were a bit more chill than mine. Oh well! They’re all different :)

Baby would scream if I left her crying alone for more than a couple of minutes so not an option. I can’t imagine DS and I wanting to play a game while she just screamed in the other room.

Also DS doesn’t like to play by himself, even though he has lots of toys. I guess our kids just have different temperaments.

@k80pie You've been very polite in response to the "why don't you just let him play on his own, mine does. What's the problem?" posts and fhe "Why don't you just put her down? Mine doesn't mind it". My two have similar temperaments and it was very very difficult. Bully for you if you have easy kids. It's fine now they're older, but when they were little I tried very hard not to be on my own with both tbh

Yep this is the shit no one talks about until you've actually had the second child!

I found it really hard and still do even now my baby is 1 and the toddler is 3.5

We got a double buggy. That meant I could take them both out on a walk, go to the park and push ds1 on a swing whilst ds2 sleeps in the buggy.
The days the older one napped made it so much easier. He wasn't screaming mummy all over the house when I was feeding the baby!

I have them both on a Friday afternoon and it is my most dreaded time! I have ds1 on nursery 3.5 days a week and my parents have him one day too.

Apart from the buggy the other tip is to plan stuff like softplay to keep the older one occupied.
And also my last tip is: when baby sleeps make sure you give as much 1-1 time with the eldest as you can!
It's new for all of you but I totally understand it. It's very hard at times..once you get I to a routine it will be easier.

It sounds like you've completely pushed DS out. You have a large age gap. Your DS isn't a baby who needs you to be constantly there but he does need you to be there. You put the baby in the sling most of the time and bake with your older one, play a board game, or whatever else. Yes, you feed the baby, change the baby, play and interact with the baby but not all the time. None of my babies really wanted to be put down at 6 weeks, they are happiest cuddled in the sling.
You can't treat the baby like an only child / they are your first, it isn't one in one out. You have to find a balance and most mothers will tell you the sling was a lifesaver. Go to your nearest sling library or watch some YouTube videos if you need help with the sling.

No, I haven’t completely pushed him out - in fact I’m doing my best not to do that, would the fact that I’m posting about this for help on a forum not suggest this?

I am talking about the times when my very fussy baby doesn’t even want to be in the sling and is crying and it is very difficult to settle her. Yes there are times when she’s happy in there and we can bake/play games whatever. But the timing does not always work. Again, maybe my baby is just fussier than some. My first was too.

No need to get judgy at a mum with a new baby trying her very best.

You read a book whilst feeding baby. Or if he's reading, have him read you whatever is at his level. It is a nice stage when the baby is too young to be determined to steal and rip/ eat said book! You'll think this stage was easier for spending time with DS in another 6 ish months. And really it is - they are so happy to spend most of the time in the sling and they don't have the dexterity to try and get whatever you're doing with DS

I am giving your advice? You said he is becoming distant, a sign he is being pushed out.
This is coming from someone who has had entirely fussy babies who were napping in my arms until they stopped napping. I had small age gaps.
If baby is crying just stand in the sling sway, comforting taps, kisses, hair stroking as well as doing whatever you're doing with DS. That is what everyone I have ever met does and my advice to you.
Maybe unplug the television to make it less tempting as an option

OP I have an 18 month age gap between my daughters and it's HARD.

DD1 is nearly 2 and DD2 Is 3 months. Even in the winter, I find it easiest being out and about.

DD2 sleeps in the baby carrier whilst DD1 plays in the park. She loves being pushed on the swings or just running around in open field. If it's raining though, I'll take her out for a hot chocolate and a cake.

I understand what you mean by your baby just crying when you put them down. It gets better as they get older. You just have to ride out the first three months and do what you need to survive lol. If that means screen time then so be it.

Also, please no one come at me for this, but for naps I put DD2 on her tummy. It's the only way she sleeps independently. I have a video monitor so I can see her and I will occasionally go into the room to check on her. This way I can spend time with my eldest.

Orrrr another way you could get baby down is by feeding laying down. And then when baby is in a deep sleep, unlatch them from the breast and sloooooowly sneak away. That way you aren't actually moving the baby and therefore risking them waking up.

I didn’t say he’s becoming distant - he gets unhappy/frustrated if she’s crying and I have to calm her - which can take a while. Sling doesn’t always work.