Logistics of looking after new baby and 4.5yo

[k80pie]

My baby is 6 weeks old and I also have a 4.5yo DS.

I am genuinely baffled as to how to look after them both when DS is home from preschool...

Baby needs attention pretty much constantly - if I am not feeding her, then I am changing her nappy, interacting with her for playtime/tummy time etc, then attempting to get her to sleep which usually involves some combination of crying/rocking/feeding to sleep/attempting to transfer/failing at that/babywearing/contact nap on couch. Repeat.

There is no time to look after an older child in that equation! My poor DS is watching more TV than I would like and is becoming unhappy from me constantly trying to calm or tend to the baby. If I have the front pack on I can't play with him properly or get down on the ground to play trains etc.

Please help!

First of all, congrats on your new baby!

DS1 was 3.5 when DS2 was born. He is now 4.5 so I get the age.

I formula fed so feeding was probably less time-consuming. Otherwise - tbh DS2 spent a lot of time on me in a sling (awake or asleep) or a buggy while I got on with stuff around the house.

We did allow DS1 more screen time at that stage (we've cut down a lot since). But otherwise, there was really only a few hours in the morning and evening when DS1 was home at the same time and needed attention. The real struggle was at the weekends but my husband would be around then too to share the care.

Stuff which I found helped (other than babywearing)

• If your DS's preschool has wraparound care, can you send him for at least part of the week to give you a bit more space at home and keep him busy?
• If you are able to put baby down in a buggy/cot to nap, can you use the time to prep food for the evening meal in advance? That way you create more free time to spend with your DS around mealtime.
• Carve out stuff you can do with DS while holding/wearing a baby - reading books, helping with reading homework, watching him draw, play a board game on the table. Don't try to get too physical or down on the floor unless baby is somewhere else.
• Involve DS in baby care e.g. fetching nappies or other things you might need.
• Are you parenting solo? If not, where is your partner in all this? Can he help with the baby for breaks to let you spend some time with DS? Or alternatively spend a bit more time looking after DS until baby is a bit older and napping longer.
• Do you have friends or family nearby who can pop in when DS is home to either entertain him or help with the baby?

Hope some of this helps.

Ah, it's so hard. My youngest is one now and to be honest we've just muddled and struggled through. I can genuinely say each day is just HARD.

Someone at our NCT classes said to keep in mind that your older child will remember if they aren’t the priority or they have to wait for you but the baby won’t. So you might need to explain to the older child a lot more than usual about how thankful you are that they’re waiting etc

I know I felt guilty about feeling that I was no longer able to give DD 1-2-1 time, but I included her as much as I could and did that stuff when DD2 was with her Dad or napping or chilling on her mat. DD was 3.5 so in afternoon nursery but we kept going to morning toddler group that she enjoyed to keep her routine going.

The bit I felt hardest was not being able to hole-up at home and take my time with everything, but instead fit feeding and changing and everything else around the nursery school-run!

I have two year age gap and went out for walks / exploring quite a lot. DS1 is 4 in January but he was when DS2 was born.

Could set up craft areas before he comes home? Play trays with what he likes for imaginative play so independent play for some time without TV?

Letter games on the walls etc

When you pick up your son, what about going to the play ground? Charity shop, a walk etc He could go on his scooter bike and go through the park?

Does the baby settle in a bouncer or on a play mat for 20 mins at a time?

Congratulations on the new baby.

if you can’t play with your older child at the same time as using your baby carrier, maybe you need a different one? I had mine on most of the time when making food for my older one, feeding my baby when in it, sitting and playing with the bigger one, obviously when out and about etc.

having the baby close to you and interacting with the older one IS stimulating and interacting with the baby. They are watching you and your words and interactions and facial expressions and it’s all new and wonderful to them.

time in your arms and in a baby carrier are not the same as tummy time exactly but it’s time off their back, which is good, so you need worry less about that.

can you feed the baby in the carrier?

I used the carrier for bedtimes, feedtimes, school runs, walks, cooking, cr
rawling through soft plays and pretty much any time needing hands for bigger children.

Walks to the park, chatting on the school run, singing to music in the car, taking the bigger ones to gym, ballet and football, all times for interacting with the big ones and no need for guilt on the baby. Bedtimes I’d get all the children on my double bed and read stories whilst feeding the baby then deposit them in their beds after, and the baby would come back down with me.

the bigger children can easily take some of the job of looking after and entertaining the baby, read them stories, sing to them, wiggle toys at them, whatever they’d like to do. That happened a lot in our house, the babies thought the bigger ones were hilarious. My older ones would help with nappy changes and were generally useful at 3-4+ so get them on board.

im sure you are doing a great job. Babies just need to be along for the ride, really - fed and transported around

I had exactly this age gap with my first two. It's hard particularly given your 4.5 yo has had your undivided attention for so long.

I actually hired a local teenager as a mothers help from 3pm-7pm a few days a week. From 3-5 she would play with my elder dd or hold the baby while I focused on my dd, then she would make the kids dinner and finally do a bit of laundry or prep our hello fresh dinner. It was so worth it, and dd has really fond memories of her special time with the teenager.

It gets easier as your baby gets older, I promise! They play so well now (3yo and 7.5), so hope you get through this tricky part

This x100!

I agree that it sounds like you need a better sling! Do you have a sling library nearby who can help? My youngest lived in it when a baby as I had a just turned 2yo older child. We went to the park, did craft, played on the floor, cooked dinner etc with the baby in the wrap, often feeding at the same time.

With the age gap you've got, you can probably involve your older child, if they are happy with that. They can fetch things, help dangle toys, cuddle under supervision etc.

I tried to put a lot of emphasis that she had a new sister, rather than us having another child. I think that emphasis meant she felt like she was gaining something, rather than losing something. We held a little party to celebrate my eldest becoming a 'big sister' and so she could introduce people to 'baba sista'.

I had a 4 year gap and one of the most useful things I was told was to make an effort to say ‘sorry baby, you’re going to have to wait. I’m spending time with DC1 now’ (at a time when the baby is fairly settled and happy to sit and do nothing)

Obviously newborn dc2 was totally oblivious to it but DC1 appreciated it, as it balanced all the times I ended up saying ‘hang on a minute, mummy has got to feed/change/deal with the bay’ and made him feel like he still got some one on one time
Same at bedtime - sorry baby, you need to go to bed first because DC1 is a big boy and is going to have some stories now - made him feel like his special story time was still ‘our’ time and didn’t have to be shared

You do not have to constantly hold/wear the baby. Feed /wind/change baby then put her in a crib ; then spend a little time with DC1.

Hi @2bazookas , did your baby go into their crib with no crying/settling? At six weeks my baby is not happy to do this. And I’m not prepared to let her scream herself to sleep.

Thanks so much to everyone for their responses 😊

I have an ergobaby frontpack plus a stretchy wrap. Both have the baby’s head up on my chest which is nowhere near my boobs so unsure how you feed a baby in a carrier?

I find getting on the ground very difficult with either carrier - I am not in great physical shape after the pregnancy/delivery but also find it awkward for baby.

Not to mention I’m finding baby wearing exhausting! I’m on my second nap of the day (after carrying her asleep in wrap for 2.5hrs earlier) and my back is killing me. And yes they are both adjusted right. I just can’t carry 5kg around on my front all day! I’m so sleep deprived which makes it even more tiring 😴

If focus on getting her down into her moses basket once she's asleep OP. It'll help you physically too. hand on her head and tummy if she rouses and shush her back to sleep. Then at least you can get a break.

Is Dad not in the picture?

Thanks @SleepingStandingUp . I guess the issue is having the time to sit there while she reaches a deep sleep (without DS having interrupted us) then actually succeeding in getting her transferred (she is not easily settled/shushed once her eyes open) - that all generally takes at least half an hour. It's tricky enough without DS around!

Dad is in the picture - he's super helpful - but there are days where he is out at work and where DS is home from preschool and it's just me.

You kind of loosen it, so that baby is lower, shove tit up, plug her in, and tighten up a little. You'll have to keep one hand on it very best her, but if you can get the hang of it, it's very liberating!

Could you get her to sleep in the sling and plop her out? That saves you having to hold her for the whole nap. This depends very much in the baby though - I could do this result with my first but much trickier with my second.

The other option is when you have both children, try to be out a lot. Go to the park, or soft play etc. It's plenty of visual stimulation for the baby, and a walk in the pram might help her sleep, and something for your eldest to do. I always found/find it easier to be out.

I have a 11 month age gap and the youngest is 7 months so I totally remember how hard it was. I suggest letter your DD spend some time in a bouncer or swing chair which will allow you to spend 1-2-1 time with your other DC. Easier said than done as you’re probably exhausted but if you could commit to giving him 45mins/1hr of your time (maybe whilst baby is napping?), I’m sure he’ll definitely appreciate it. It does get easier as the youngest gets older

Can you switch his Preschool to 5 afternoons? Then you can all have the mornings together , then he can go into school for a few hours and you and the baby can nap.

Same age gap for mine. Honestly I used all the 30hr free childcare I could, and a bit more. I think my eldest went to nursery 3.5 days a week.

On the days she was home we were out and about. Baby is transportable in pram or sling. Even just a car drive to a new park, play in park for half hour with a snack, followed by a quick stop at a supermarket on the way home took to an entire morning. We all felt better for being out of the house and baby was fine just in car seat/pram/sling.

your back shouldn’t be hurting with a baby in a sling. I would suggest you get to a sling group to be checked. I carried mine until well over a year with no back issues. Never managed feeding but did pretty much everything else.

I recommend a baby sling or carrier ! They saved me !!! Plus it was easy to get out of the house and do activities!!

I used a baby carrier but sometimes he just had to be put down, as I had to attend to another childs needs. My older child needed a nappy change or lunch, for example. He wasn't pleased, but he quickly got used to it. Personal decision. His/her majesty the baby can't always be the centre of attention 😄

Had 16 months between DCs 1&2 and 2yrs between 2&3.
Whoever was the youngest at the time practically lived in a sling 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was the only way I got anything done. Once I figured out how to breastfeed in a sling, it was a total game changer!
Not sure I know how to parent without babywearing 😳😂

Nanny CBeebies.

I have 2 years between mine and I just had to put the TV on.

I loved nursery days as I just had baby to deal with.

I did look out for some toddler and baby groups to take eldest to which helped.

DD2 pretty much spent the first three months of her life in the sling! It allowed me to do pretty much everything with DD1.