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Original poster

AIBU- he pushed me whilst breastfeeding

45 replies

lovebeingamama · 01/12/2022 20:23

Me and my partner are generally super happy. He is a kind man and we have a 12 week old baby girl.

The other night I was breastfeeding at 3am and as I was adjusting my pillows to get comfy, a fluffy one tickled him by accident.

He said "why do you always lob pillows at me" and threw it across the room aggressively.

I was taken aback.... and said "are you serious? I'm BFing and obviously didn't mean to.... unbelievable"

To which he commented back and it escalated and turned into an argument.

He then picked up the pillow to "show me what I did" and aggressively pushed it in my face whilst I was nursing my baby.

In my protective instinct I hit his arm with the back of my hand and said "how dare you do that when I'm feeding?!"

Then with the pillow he pushed me in my head, hard and he left the room.

I ran through to the lounge to finish feeding my baby.

The next morning we discussed briefly and I have swept it under the carpet.

I have never before seen or felt any form of aggression from him.

I am horrified this happened in front of our baby and I also don't know if I'm overreacting- was it just a silly/ middle of the night argument....

Or ... should I take this aggression more seriously?

I can't stop thinking about it and I feel disconnected from him and very teary ever since.

Advice welcome. X

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2022 20:25

My advice is don't sweep it under the carpet.

IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2022 20:26

Posted too soon.
He should be devastated by what he did.
What did he say during this conversation?

chocsaucestrawb · 01/12/2022 20:28

Ah I'm sorry this sounds terrible

Not excusing his behaviour but you are probably both sleep deprived and you are not acting as if you were before baby

You definitely need to talk to him as this needs putting right, apologising to you - what if it was to happen again?

Nip it in the bud - these things can fester

X

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dizzydizzydizzy · 01/12/2022 20:29

Shortly after the birth of a baby is a common time for domestic abuse to start. This is what happened to me and Women's Aid told me this. Did he say sorry? If not, that is also
A sign of a domestic abuser.

Keep an eye on him and plan your exit if it continues. I regret not doing that when my children were young.

Keep an eye ion him OP and in the meantime inform yourself about domestic abuse.

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2022 20:30

Take it very very seriously. This is who your partner is.

Original poster
lovebeingamama · 01/12/2022 20:31

IncompleteSenten · 01/12/2022 20:26

Posted too soon.
He should be devastated by what he did.
What did he say during this conversation?

well I was very quiet the next morning and after a while of drinking our coffees in silence, he said do you want to talk about last night?

I said "I think we should... I'm horrified we acted that way in front of the baby. I want to feel protected by you and it couldn't be more opposite. We acted in way that I am not okay with"

Him- "well I think it was mainly demonstrative. And I accept what you say about feeling protected"

Me- "Thankyou"

Him-"love you"

Me- "love you too"

....... I didn't really tackle what he did. I think I'm scared of the conversation ending in another argument. It feels easier to sweep under carpet.... :(

OP posts:
Potterie · 01/12/2022 20:34

He accepts what you say? But no grovelling apology? He sounds like an abusive twat. I'm sorry.

Bisk · 01/12/2022 20:38

'mainly demonstrative'? What does that mean?

captncrunch · 01/12/2022 20:38

What does he mean by 'demonstrative' ?
You have let him off the hook by framing it as "what we did". It was all him and you did nothing wrong. But I do understand that it's really difficult to have this conversation and you're probably still reeling from it all.

Original poster
lovebeingamama · 01/12/2022 20:39

Bisk · 01/12/2022 20:38

'mainly demonstrative'? What does that mean?

As in he was "showing me" what I had done with the pillow....

OP posts:
captncrunch · 01/12/2022 20:40

Oh ok. By "mainly" then, is that him admitting it was partly him just being an aggressive twat? I would suggest calmly revisiting this conversation, saying that you are still struggling to process what happened

Original poster
lovebeingamama · 01/12/2022 20:41

captncrunch · 01/12/2022 20:40

Oh ok. By "mainly" then, is that him admitting it was partly him just being an aggressive twat? I would suggest calmly revisiting this conversation, saying that you are still struggling to process what happened

Yes I think I need to. I am really struggling to process it tbh

OP posts:
ICanHideButICantRun · 01/12/2022 20:42

Hang on, so he wasn't apologising, but accepted your apology?

How long have you known him?

ShutUpBaggyTits · 01/12/2022 20:46

"Then with the pillow he pushed me in my head, hard and he left the room."

That wasn't demonstrative - that was aggression.

He hasn't acknowledged his wrongdoing and apologised. This raises red flags for me.

Make sure he knows that any aggression towards you or your child will not be tolerated. And mean it.

ladymarmiteee · 01/12/2022 20:48

It's not great and I can see why you're upset by it. But if it's an otherwise happy and healthy relationship I would put it down to sleep deprived, out of character shittiness. It's not acceptable behaviour while you're feeding baby of course but if it was a one off it's not something I'd be ending relationship over.

Original poster
lovebeingamama · 01/12/2022 20:49

ladymarmiteee · 01/12/2022 20:48

It's not great and I can see why you're upset by it. But if it's an otherwise happy and healthy relationship I would put it down to sleep deprived, out of character shittiness. It's not acceptable behaviour while you're feeding baby of course but if it was a one off it's not something I'd be ending relationship over.

I appreciate this message. We are super happy otherwise hence why I was so shocked.

I

OP posts:
BringBackFoilWrappers · 01/12/2022 20:50

It's abusive sorry. He hasn't even apologised sincerely.
The fact that he said merely demonstrative is worrying, means he doesn't think he did anything wrong and will probably do it again.
If my husband did that he'd be grovelling or out on his arse.

VollywoodHampires · 01/12/2022 20:50

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/12/2022 20:30

Take it very very seriously. This is who your partner is.

This

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. please don’t ‘sweep it under the carpet’

dolor · 01/12/2022 20:51

Uhhh

No I wouldn't be having that.

I'd make him sleep on the fucking floor after making it clear in no uncertain terms that he is never to do anything like that again.

After a grovelling apology, of course.

AccioChocolate · 01/12/2022 20:53

Would you be happy to tell your mother and father what happened?

If not, why not?

Tillsforthrills · 01/12/2022 20:59

Abusive and aggressive to push a pillow into your face or head even without BF but even worse that you were BF at the time. Serious alarm bells.

RaRaRaspoutine · 01/12/2022 21:02

The pushing you in the head is vile behaviour. Couple it with you being vulnerable and feeding a tiny baby? Horrific. Is he jealous of the baby?

Icecreamandapplepie · 01/12/2022 21:02

I'm glad noone advised my husband to leave when I behaved irrationally and totally out of character in those first few weeks of a newborn.
Same the other way round too.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/12/2022 21:02

VollywoodHampires · 01/12/2022 20:50

This

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. please don’t ‘sweep it under the carpet’

Show quote history

I agree with the above. It is awful behaviour, spiteful and unkind when you are vulnerable feeding a young baby. Please speak to someone about this.

Sisisimone · 01/12/2022 21:03

You say he is a kind man but he is clearly not. Kind men are not violent towards their partners whilst they are breastfeeding their baby. He sounds awful and your exchange the next day sounds bizarre. Just demonstrative? What does he even mean by that? He is just minimising, expecting you to fall in line till the next time and it's worked. You're already too scared to mention it again in case you set him off. I'd be making it clear if anything like that ever happened again then its over, and I'd mean it

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