I've totally failed at parenting and regret getting pregnant again

[glumhatebeingmum]

My three year old son is horrible and I just feel like I’ve totally messed up. There are moments of such a sweet kid but largely he’s really unkind, speaks to me like absolute shit, cries and screams and tantrums about everything, demands everything, hurts you when he doesn’t get his way, he’ll even deliberately piss himself to get what he wants. Some of this may sound like autistic traits but he stops if he gets his way which is one of the biggest things that makes me think I’ve just totally failed. We don’t give in but if you speak in a way he thinks you are he stops until he realises and then starts again. Just tonight he kept taking his seatbelt off his car seat and climbing out, so I had to keep pulling off and just sitting there because we couldn’t drive off as he would not get back in his seat. Screaming at us to shut up, go away, don’t touch him and take him back to the shop and buy him chocolate. The whole reason the tantrum started. We sat there for 40 mins at one point while he just went on and on with the screaming. My husband got out and put him on the pavement and said fine if you won’t put your seatbelt on you can stay here, he then pissed himself while looking my husband in the eyes saying shut up daddy. It wasn’t an accident, he does it during tantrums, I know it’s weird. We ignored it months ago and it stopped but the last two weeks he’s been especially difficult and started again. It got ridiculous to the point we’d Been trying to make a 20 minute car journey for 2 hours. I ended up having to hold his seatbelt closed while my husband drove and he scratched my hands so much they are ripped to shreds. It’s just not normal, he has so much power over us and I feel genuinely scared of his reactions. We obviously don’t let him be the boss but it’s just hell. That's the third day in a row we've been stuck in the car for hours due to him refusing to stay in his seat. I’m heavily pregnant and just think I shouldn’t be after we’ve fucked up so much with him. I'm having another little boy and I'm so worried this one will be angry and aggressive too. I don't know what I've done so wrong but I've massively failed at parenting. I don't know how people do it.

Gets home and has an hour of peace and now he's kicking off screaming again because he wants ice cream. It's just never ending. Every single no is a war. I'm so exhausted and done with it all. The last few weeks have been the worst of my life, if my 3 year old had been going through whatever horrible phase this is when I was earlier on I think I would honestly abort but I'm weeks away from my due date. I'm just not cut out for being his mum

Wow that sounds so hard, bless you. Has he always been like that? How does he behave at nursery? Have you looked into PDA?

He's fine at pre school and was fine at nursery, social, makes friends well, really advanced. He saves all the horribleness for home

Parenting course. Ask for one from council. Family suppport worker can help you. It was really valuable for me when my kid was 3. Being able to talk to other parents was sooo nice. You are doing your best. Its not easy. Your family will get through this xx

You have not failed as a parent! 3 year old boys are bloody horrible. Terrible 2s have nothing on terrible 3s! I once sat in an airport baggage collection area holding my 3 year old down while he screamed his head off, and it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life! I'm afraid I don't have masses of advice but I promise they do get better.

It's also possible he might be playing up because he knows something is happening with a new baby but doesn't fully understand it and it's making him nervous. That's what my 3 year old did when I was pregnant.

Things that (sort of) worked (occasionally) for us:

-Get one of his toys, put a voice on and make the toy ask him to do things, so that it's the toy asking rather than you.
-Threaten to throw toys away if he won't do what you've asked him to do (not ideal I know but sometimes it was the only way!)
-Naughty step occasionally worked, but the threat of the naughty step actually worked better.

If all else failed I just had to drag him kicking and screaming or hold him down. I promise this WILL pass though! At age 4 and once they start school they seem to calm down a bit.

Get a seatbelt lock. Ill try and find the link.
Then do a parenting course. Not becauae you are failing as a parent (you are NOT) but because it will almost certainly help you. Then look at advice for managing kids with Pathological Demand Avoidannce and use those techniques with him.
You, and he, will be fine.

If it's any consolation, deliberately pissing yourself is not that unusual. It's quite common for young kids to do this when mum has a new baby - it might actually be the pregnancy that's making him act like this. It sounds dreadful, but doesn't mean you're a dreadful mum. If he behaves fine at nursery, that's a good sign. If you're feeling so depressed you wush you'd terminated, you should definitely ask your midwife and health visitor for advice.

Definitely get a seatbelt lock. And come down hard on the behaviour. Ignore any crying (unless obviously unwell or in pain), any hitting and straight to the naughty step, privilege removal. He can yell, scream and say he hates you all he likes, until he is purple in the face. He will get it.
You're not a failure OP. One day he will be a nicer child.

I doubt you've done anything wrong - you are clearly aware of the issues and trying to do the right thing, but when it comes to toddlers, sometimes people get truly unlucky, no matter how good they are at being parents.

I know some families where the adult really are super-parents but they've still had a child who is really difficult with them at one stage or another. Hopefully he will learn to express himself more suitably soon, hang on in there, it will pass.

Some kids are harder than others- that’s luck. Do you reward good behaviour? How do you punish for bad behaviour- hurting you, screaming etc?
how’s his sleep and diet ?

The Instagram page Biglittlefellings has great advice for dealing with toddlers

He probably really struggling with you being pregnant and not knowing what changes are coming and feeling very unsettled. Please don't put him on the pavement and tell him he's going to be left there, that sort of thing is what will be causing the problems (and will only be worse when new baby arrives) rather than helping at all. Also please don't appear to be giving him his way and then taking it away again. He is feeling out of control and what he needs is to feel safe and feel that you are people he can trust and you know how to calmly and consistently deal with him when he can't deal with his emotions.

Try and look at it another way - are you sure he isn't saying shut up daddy and weeing himself because he is terrified his dad is going to leave him on the side of the road? When he has wet himself before is it because he has been threatened with something? If he is not doing it because he's afraid then he is probably doing it because it is the only thing he can do 'to get back at you'. It's the only thing he has control over - because he feels out of control. He needs to feel safe, liked and loved at all times, children that feel liked and loved are far more likely to want to please you and do what you ask.

Can you make car journeys more fun for him - cd's with children's songs that you sing along with him, or stories to listen to. If food is always an issue then perhaps you could always have bread sticks or some other healthier snack that he can munch on in the car.

You could also try stopping saying no and instead say 'we can't have ice cream today but we can x' or 'we can't have icecream today but we can have it on x day'. Then distract him with something, play something fun with him - what does he like doing? What does he like to play with? What does he like you doing with him? Make up some stories while you play cars with him, build some towers with blocks to knock down, build a train set together, read him a story, whatever he likes playing with or doing with you.

You could also talk to nursery, tell them you're finding him difficult and see what they do if he gets angry or upset. A parenting course will definitely be really useful - it's often difficult to see things from the point of view of a three year old.

I didn’t read past the ‘autistic traits’ bit! Thanks a lot OP for saying that being horrible is an autistic trait🙄.

Sounds like it’s a horrible phase and you are doing everything you can. Remember “This too shall pass” and don’t be hard on yourself

That’s not what she’s saying at all. Urination and defacation , and smearing are all known reactions to stress and over stimulation in SOME children or adults with autism.

3 year olds can be vicious, and it's so hard to not be the shouty mum sometimes but they mirror every little thing we do. Think of it this way, they push us to our limits to see how we respond. If we respond with anger, aggression, frustration then although to us it's that we simply hit our limit, to them it says that this is how we respond if someone pushes us to our limit, and their limit is a lot lower than ours, saying no to chocolate does feel like the end of their little world sometimes.

Violence, is simple. Remove yourself. Walk away, make it clear that you love them and want to help them but you can't whilst they are hurting you.

Screaming, crying, whinging, whining. Largely, ignore! Again, make it clear you love them and when they want to talk to you you're there.

Never make threats about not liking them, not loving them, don't put your emotions on them and tell them they've made you sad, don't threaten them with police/leaving at the road. These things can be traumatising. Our kids don't push us as far as they do out of spite, it's not his character, he's learning about the world and trying to grab control wherever he can, it's perfectly normal for him to push his boundaries, especially at home. If he was like this all the time then maybe it would be an indicator of autism, but the fact he does it with you is because he is LEARNING. Every single word you say and action you take is teaching him how to treat you, how to treat others, how to handle emotions. It's not too late, but you do sound like you're on a dangerous path of trying to 'win' against a 3 year old and trying to bully him into stopping. What he really needs is love, so much love and understanding, and positive behaviour modelling. There's so much talk of letting him get away with it, him feeling loved isn't him getting away with it, don't reward a tantrum for chocolate with chocolate, but don't take away your love and tell him he's nasty. I say this gently, changing you and your husbands behaviour and reactions is the way to change your sons.

The book “how to talk so that little children will listen” was helpful for my (now) four year old boy. Make sure you get the “little” one, as it’s aimed at toddlers.

Youre not a bad mum at all. You wouldn’t be here if you were x

Sounds like my three year old. Consistency and lots of exercise, and we got through it. He’s lovely now (most of the time!).

This is really helpful advice.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like all three of you are having a really tough time right now. I don't have anything useful to add but do make sure you seek help where you need it, for parenting help or for your own sanity x

Oh give over. Sensitive much. That's now what OP said.

🙄🙄🙄

I agree this is all really good advice. Try to avoid saying the word no, so say “we can have ice cream on Saturday when we go into town” for example. Try to give specific praise every day such as “thank you for putting your shoes on nicely” or “thank you for coming to the table the first time I asked you”. It has more affect than just saying he’s been a good boy. You might be able to access a parent course for free through your Health Visitor.
I also agree that your pregnancy is likely to be making him play up. You’re not doing anything wrong and having caused this at all. Parenting is bloody hard work and isn’t something we get trained to do. You might find the aha parenting website useful as well.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s obvious you love him very much and you’re both doing your best. Just keep looking for ideas for different strategies you can try and decide which you feel you can stick to and give them a good go before giving up. Sometimes new things will take a while to work.

We used a gadget called Houdini Stop. It doesn't actually prevent them getting the seat belt off, but it buys you time to get somewhere safe to stop.

I'm sorry things are so difficult. I expect he's mega anxious about the new baby.

It's hard, but try not to take it personally.

I'm slightly (cynically) entertained by the advice up thread to just "ignore and walk away from" a DC lashing out. When my DD was at her most disregulated, she would get right up in my face and really go for me, follow me from room to room, spit in my face, kick my shins etc. In a enclosed space like the car is worse of course.

Was the journey 100?% necessary? Could you have used public transport? That's safer for everyone at least, and there's more positive distraction. And you can get off for a bit if necessary.

DD is a mostly delightful 9 year old now, but solidarity.

Just wow

Firstly, this sounds really fucking hard to deal with so cut yourself some slack.

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour with the added bonus of him wanting to have power over you and to piss you off.

Remember that everyone wants to feel important and in control. But this needs to be experienced in a positive way rather than negative attention.

It’s not easy but you have to solidify your relationship by consistently showing your love and affection. You have to ignore the demands for negative attention and praise the hell out of positive behaviour. Create a reward system. When he does something terrible like weeing on the floor you have to diminish his power by just being really chilled out about it. If it has no reaction it has no power.

He is probably worried about the new baby coming. You will need to make him feel as included as possible.

Don’t be afraid to get help if you can’t cope anymore. Hope things improve for you.