I've totally failed at parenting and regret getting pregnant again

[glumhatebeingmum]

My three year old son is horrible and I just feel like I’ve totally messed up. There are moments of such a sweet kid but largely he’s really unkind, speaks to me like absolute shit, cries and screams and tantrums about everything, demands everything, hurts you when he doesn’t get his way, he’ll even deliberately piss himself to get what he wants. Some of this may sound like autistic traits but he stops if he gets his way which is one of the biggest things that makes me think I’ve just totally failed. We don’t give in but if you speak in a way he thinks you are he stops until he realises and then starts again. Just tonight he kept taking his seatbelt off his car seat and climbing out, so I had to keep pulling off and just sitting there because we couldn’t drive off as he would not get back in his seat. Screaming at us to shut up, go away, don’t touch him and take him back to the shop and buy him chocolate. The whole reason the tantrum started. We sat there for 40 mins at one point while he just went on and on with the screaming. My husband got out and put him on the pavement and said fine if you won’t put your seatbelt on you can stay here, he then pissed himself while looking my husband in the eyes saying shut up daddy. It wasn’t an accident, he does it during tantrums, I know it’s weird. We ignored it months ago and it stopped but the last two weeks he’s been especially difficult and started again. It got ridiculous to the point we’d Been trying to make a 20 minute car journey for 2 hours. I ended up having to hold his seatbelt closed while my husband drove and he scratched my hands so much they are ripped to shreds. It’s just not normal, he has so much power over us and I feel genuinely scared of his reactions. We obviously don’t let him be the boss but it’s just hell. That's the third day in a row we've been stuck in the car for hours due to him refusing to stay in his seat. I’m heavily pregnant and just think I shouldn’t be after we’ve fucked up so much with him. I'm having another little boy and I'm so worried this one will be angry and aggressive too. I don't know what I've done so wrong but I've massively failed at parenting. I don't know how people do it.

The only thing I want to add above the brilliant advice already is consider what influences he has with regards to how to communicate his feelings. How you and his dad speak to each other and share difficult or painful emotions etc.

hahahaha didn't read past that line but you made the effort to write a passive aggressive over sensitive post. hahahahahaha there's always one!

How long is he at nursery? Sorry to point out the obvious, but is he tired?

Also, I went on a course at work (quite a while ago) for what to look out for children that are being sexually abused, and wetting themselves was one of the signs…hate to ask but could he be experiencing anything like this? 😣

Thank you for the advice. I feel so awful reading some of this it feels like I've tried so hard and I've still gotten so much so wrong. It's so hard to respond with nothing but love when he's aggressive and rude and I've definitely gotten really angry with him. I feel so heavy about it all like I've done it all wrong and turned him into this angry, traumatised child.

I understand the feeling. I didn't have it as bad as you, but when I was pregnant my 3-year-old used to pick up every object in the room and throw it at my head. My second child was much easier. I often say if I'd had her first I would think I was a great parent! 😁