Are men really equal parents to women?

[FunLovinGal]

I honestly want to know if that is usually the case?

When wanting to name my child I was told it had to be DH’s surname and that he had just as much right as I did to have the choice of first name.

Every single parenting decision it has been assumed he will also have equal say. If we split up he will get joint custody if he wants it.

Yet I don’t feel things are equal. I grew the baby in my body, I went through all the changes, the pain and the restrictions.

Since then I have fed her, cuddled her, entertained her, been her whole world on maternity leave.

DH gets home late, has a quick cuddle then hands her back when she starts to cry. He goes to sleep in another room when she wakes us up at night.

How is that equal and how does it afford him equal rights over every aspect of her life and upbringing?

Perhaps some men are different.

My DH is a completely equal parent. Always has been from the moment they were out of the womb and continues to have his own bond with all 3 of our young adult children. I always encouraged that too. No competition or jealousy - just teamwork and the joy of co-parenting (and being in it together through the challenging times).

It isn't the same. Men want to be seen as equal as it's the only thing they absolutely cannot do. And that pisses (some of them) off.
Should be your surname.

Obviously women biologically do more, your husband can’t birth your baby! I have female friends whose children have their surname not their husbands but think that’s a bit unusual. I know my own Dad left naming the baby to Mum because ‘she’d put all the hard work in.’ But I know some Dads who have strong opinions on names. My DH always had a name in mind for a son and I agreed to go with it if we had one (we didn’t)!

Outside of the baby months I find equal parenting very different in each couple. My husband and I both work but actually he has one day off a week with the kids whereas I do 5 days.
I’ve expressed milk and he’s done nights with bottles when I’ve asked. Etc etc.
Then I have friends whose partners seem to do very little.
My daughters love their Dad and definitely spend the same amount of time with him if not more. I’ve never had a cross word from him saying things aren’t fair, only that he’s noticed other Dads doing a lot less.

Yes, some men are different.

I grew my children, birthed them and did the vast bulk of the feeding for the first 6 months. Everything else was more or less equal.

After night breastfeeds stopped, dh did the vast majority of night wakenings for the next year or so, and he certainly didn't go to sleep in another room (tbh we didn't have another room) - I can see why either parent might have to do this if they had a job where sleep deprivation would be a serious safety issue but this wasn't the case for us.

After early babyhood was out the way, childcare has been fully shared and our children have always gone to either of us equally for comfort in the main.

Dh took parental leave for 6 months with dc2, and was a SAHD for 3 years later on.

So yes, in our family we are equal parents.

Generally yes I think it SHOULD be equal.

Of course there’s no denying the biology of things initially, and often specific things cannot be equal eg. If you are breastfeeding exclusively than feeding cannot be equal.

It’s when ‘mum is the default parent’ seems to evolve from this initial stage, when men see childcare as the woman’s responsibility and anything they do is ‘help’ rather than just being a parent, there’s that cliche about men who say they are ‘babysitting’ their own children when the mum goes out.

My ex does as little as possible so I make all the decisions, but was also why I left.

He's been utterly immobile except in terms of paying half, for the last 14 years. It's a shame but he's chosen to make himself irrelevant. Nothing I can do about it.

Well, it's equal in that it is equally important to have a father child relationship/ bond. Personally I don't believe that that has to necessarily mean that the child is equally bonded to to their father and mother throughout all stages of their life. I know 100% that I was much more bonded with the children when they were little, without a doubt, but again, their father's role was equally important, in that he was supporting the family.
I know that during the teenage years my children's father is playing a fundamental important role in their lives, whereas my role, in many ways, is to step back. I am happy in this.
Equal doesn't mean everyone does the same, all the time, forever, but it can be one way of " doing" equal. It's not a job, where everyone is paid to do the same job though, it's a team effort.

Well you wouldn't have had the baby in there in the first place without him would you

And I'd like to say again, it's great if you decide to do "equality" as in dividing everything 50/50 for 18 years. It's also fine to divide it differently and change many times over the years, because different families suit different ways os doing things.

DH is military so in my case not at all.

I get all the veto on first and middle names as they have dhs surname. He gets up with them when I ask him to at night and does the morning wake ups on weekends for all the dc. He cooks a lot, does washing, and when we are both working does the school/childcare pick up and dinner. It’s been a journey getting here, but he’s going on parental leave shortly and I’m not going to bother much about what’s on at school or the swimming and sports schedules and presents for birthday parties or do much washing or tidy cupboards etc while he’s off. (I will still do a lot though - I’m our admin , organiser, financial planner person, do the birthday cakes although for the first time I’m going to tell him to do all the birthday presents) It would be a crime to try to keep his children from him or hog them if we split, hard as that would be.

My DH has always been an equal parent but being equal does not mean being or doing the same. I was a SAHP while he worked so obviously I did more of the day to day stuff. He was amazing at bed/bath/story time and was always happy to get up in he night or early in the mornings with them. We made all important decisions about them together. Now they are adults he is fabulous with financial support, in doing things around the house and chatting football (to DD1) while I am better at other things. If you asked my DDs they would tell you he is a fantastic dad even though I was around more physically. He was always at the end on a phone. He even read stories over the phone if he had to be away when they were little.

Of course we are not the same. Especially in the beginning, our bodies change. Our breasts get filled with milk, whether we choose to breastfeed or not.

It is not ment to be a competition, but a partnership. Where one person does their part and the other person does their part. It needs to be 100% / 100% effort from both sides.

I didn't see a need for both of us being awake for night feeding as I was breastfeeding, straight from the breast. However, with ds1 who would accept both bottle and breast, dh help me with some of the feedings. I easily got engorged so I reduced the amount of bottle feeding for my comfort. Life never stays the same, so it is best to welcome change and adapt to it to the best of your ability.

After few gruesome months with ds2 I observed he fell asleep in the car. So I asked dh to take him for a ride after work, while I slept. I understood we still needed money so I asked my brother (he had recently passed his driving test) to do this for me to and I added him to our car insurance.

Yes DH and I parent our child equally, and make decisions about him together.

I think men CAN be equal parents but not all men ARE equal parents. In the same way I expect some women are not stepping up as parents. The difference is that it seems more acceptable if a man doesn’t do his share.

DH took on things I couldn’t do when pregnant, is taking 6 months shared parental leave and takes on 50% of the not so exciting parts like night wakes.

The only things my husband didn't do were pregnancy and breastfeeding. He did everything else. We split leave and I went back to work full time at 4 and 6 months respectively.

My partner is as equal as he can be given he couldn’t grow our baby and is not on maternity leave. But having been pregnant for 9 months and had a c section there was no way on earth my son wasn’t having my name (he has both with mine last).

Can they be? Should they be? Yes absolutely.

Are they usually? No I don't think so.

I would say generally not.
However I don't think equal parenting is really something to aspire to in itself.
No two people or relationships are the same and it shouldn't be the case for parenting.
Maybe one parent really enjoys cooking and baking with the kids and the other likes going on long walks. It's not really equal..
Parent according to the needs of each unique relationship and you won't go far wrong. If you're looking down to how many nappies changed and how many meals cooked them it's equality for equalities sake.

Regarding naming and custody I would say look at it from the child's point of view. Their two most important relationships.
Naming is seen as a big deal, part of your shared identity with your children. But I think it will work out well if you focus on your relationship with your child.
Good luck, good questions to ask!

I think some men can be and are equal parents but they are the exception rather then the rule.
When you are a first time parent. Neither actually has a clue what they are doing, but I think for a lot of women maternal instinct kicks in. So many men need to be asked to ‘help’. Simple things like baby has a dirty nappy a dad shouldn’t have to be asked to change it, just do it. If a pattern establishes itself early on that the mother has to do everything or else she has to ask and remind the dad about what has to be done then she often just becomes the default caregiver and gets tired of trying to get the dad to ‘help’.
The dad doesn’t have to be equal from the start but over time he can be by getting stuck in where he can from beginning.

It sounds like your husband is not equal. It sounds like he is much more than equal and you are less than equal. You were told that it had to be his surname. That does not sound like equality, that sounds like it is his way or the highway.

No of course it is not equal, it is just society has really tried to ram this equal agenda down women's throats. A smart woman will know this is bullshit and will take the good with the bad and just get on with things without whinging about every little thing her dp didn't do.

A naive woman will really buy into this fake ideology and will spend her time huffing and puffing about her dp not doing his bit, and tallying up his short comings. So inevitably this will lead to resentment and even more energy spent arguing about a situation that will never change whilst already being tired from doing most of the hard graft so effectively shooting oneself in the foot.

Preserve your energy, be a smart woman, don't make yourself into a victim of societies false promises.

Yes like with everything else in life there are always always exceptions to the rule, don't look at the exceptions, look at real life.

A good one, yes.

That doesn't mean that each responsibility is 50/50, and not all parenting responsibilities are directly to do with the child. For example in the newborn days while I was trapped with cluster feeding and the night wakes, DH did all the housework and cooking to pick up his share of the slack
Nursery drops are 50/50.
I am better with hair brushing and teeth leaning, he is better with getting DD dressed.
As others said, its a partnership and both of you have strengths and weaknesses.

I think it depends on the couple. We are very much equal parents and very much share responsibilities and childcare etc.
However I've got friends whose partners do NOTHING - won't even hold the baby whilst mum goes for a wee or makes the dinner!!

I dont want to victim blame but why the fuck do women have children with men lilke this! Its so misogynistic and lazy.