Are men really equal parents to women?

[FunLovinGal]

I honestly want to know if that is usually the case?

When wanting to name my child I was told it had to be DH’s surname and that he had just as much right as I did to have the choice of first name.

Every single parenting decision it has been assumed he will also have equal say. If we split up he will get joint custody if he wants it.

Yet I don’t feel things are equal. I grew the baby in my body, I went through all the changes, the pain and the restrictions.

Since then I have fed her, cuddled her, entertained her, been her whole world on maternity leave.

DH gets home late, has a quick cuddle then hands her back when she starts to cry. He goes to sleep in another room when she wakes us up at night.

How is that equal and how does it afford him equal rights over every aspect of her life and upbringing?

Perhaps some men are different.

Yes, a father can be an equal parent

But in our current culture, they often are not. And it is up to each family to find something that works for them.

In the first year or probably first two years after having my daughter, I was very much the carer and we didn't split things equally. A couple of years on - and now that she's no longer as dependent on just me - I would say we have a fairly equal split BUT I know from the people we are around us that our situation is far from the norm.

So many people comment on what a fantastic dad he is - he is a good dad - but even he says that is because the bar is set too low for fathers. He does what I do (and is much better at playing) but in other people's eyes, that makes him stand out as something unusual.

That's what they have grown up to expect and have internalised.

It works both ways btw as when I was on post-natal the father next to me wanted to comfort his crying baby. His wife told him off for trying to pick her up. In the end a nurse intervened and told them to pick their child up when she was crying.

Of course they are

your issue is you decided to procreate with a twat.

Good point! I get what OP is saying as well, 100%.

They can be equal if both parents want it. My children are now teenagers, but DH would do everything but BF when they were little if he was in the house. We both went PT and shared the childcare and school runs as they got older. He really wanted children (more than me) and I earnt slightly more money which helped.

But a quick perusal of the relationships board shows that many men think doing their 'important job' is their contribution and they leave the mother to do all the childcare. That's not good for anyone, and particularly the children.

Hmm in my relationship we are on the face of it equal in that he does a lot of bath times, all nursery pick ups and drop offs etc. But he doesn't go to her in the night anymore as he 'doesn't hear her' or 'she needs to learn to sleep on her own', he also doesn't: buy her clothes, cut her nails, wash her hair, know what she needs for nursery, seemingly incapable of remembering anything, like asking nursery for our invoice, he avoids things like Dr appointments because he would apparently just forget what they say (!), if we go round a friend's house he will plonk himself down with a drink and enjoy adult chat, not really registering where DD is so I'm left to run round after her, he doesn't brush her hair, dresses her in dirty clothes, wouldn't notice if she'd outgrown her shoes and on and on. He will do all of the above IF I ASK but she just isn't on his radar like she is on mine and a lot of things she needs he just wouldn't think of. I'm very much the default parent mentally and he likes it like that.

@FunLovinGal

From your description, your DH doesn't sound like an equal parent.Don't assume all men are like him.
Mine is and always has been a wonderful father taking equal responsibility and care, right from birth through teens and still has their backs in (their) middle age.

If you are breastfeeding exclusively than feeding cannot be equal.

DH was a godsend at night BF's. I'd wake, plug the baby on; when done, DH would take the baby, change nappy and park it back in crib so I could slip back to sleep. With the bottle fed babies he did half the night feeds.

I gave my baby my surname and my exH could lump it - we were married at the time. I grew my baby and he never lifted a finger with anything. We both worked full time.
So why should my baby have his surname?
He wasn't happy.....but tough.
He hasn't seen DS for the last 30 years now, can't be bothered.

Some men do more than others for sure but imo in most cases men are not equal parents.

Men are always keen to have the surname. Stake the claim.
Not so keen to put their money where their mouth is, be equal and do 50/50 (in the majority of cases) when things go pair shaped.

Men are always keen to have the surname. Stake the claim.

Mmm mine and an acquaintance of mines weren't.

Then again if your last name is as common as muck...

I do not know any couples where equal parenting really happens. Not one, out of the hundreds of couples I’ve got to know over the last decade of parenting. With every couple I know the woman does most of the night wakings, nappy changes, snack making, school runs, cuddles, emotional coaching, managing relationships with school and playmates, homework coaching, etc etc. While also doing most of the housework and cooking, usually.

Are you serious? I only know one couple like that, and the man's a dick and she's leaving him.

I agree with this. My husband is currently abroad and is away for much of December so the day to day parenting falls to me during this time. What it does mean is that he earns a load of flexi time meaning that he covers most of the school holidays while I work.

He does get an equal say in the big decisions, he also took some parental leave while I was on maternity leave with both children so he can spend time with them.

You need to talk about what is important to you as parents and how to split things.

I know - it absolutely baffles me. To add as well, often their husbands are the 'wokey blokeys' you see on social media talking about 'women's rights' and how we should support women etc. Yet behind closed doors they're abhorrent to their female partners and family members.

I know plenty couples where one does more than the other but know none where the mum will always do 100% of what you have listed.

In my relationship it's equal - as it should be.

As a result DS has a wonderful relationship with both of us plus We've both managed to develop and progress our careers which was important to us both.

Of course men can be equal parents - equal doesn't mean the same. I know plenty of parents I'd consider equal - it's about how you operate as a family